So today I had another doctor appointment, I waited longer than usual for my 5 minute visit! Oh well, Dr. Wong said the baby is really big he even had to do a double take on how many weeks I am. Her heart was beating nice and strong today so that made me feel better. I will see him again in 2 weeks and next week another ultrasound with the specialist. Dr. Wong said it is possible to be induced a little early but we will talk about it in a few weeks. It is a pain going to the doctor all the time but even though I don't always get good news it gives me some sort of comfort to know she is still growing. I love to see her move around while they try to get a good glimpse of her. So for now I have decided to stick to my appointments.
I have been thinking lately about this "shower" that is planned for us for sometime in October and the more I think about it the more stressed out I get. It stresses me out because I am really afraid to break down in front of everyone and I know that is going to happen at some point during that day. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable because they won't know what to say. I don't like to see people hurt, it makes me feel so bad. I want everyone to be happy when they think of Sami not saddened by what is happening. She is not here yet and she has already made me so happy and I want everyone else to feel that way too. So I have decided that I am going to cancel it. I figure in October it will be closer to my due date and emotionally I think it will be a little too much for me to handle. The concept is nice and I would still like donations made to some organization (haven't found one exact one yet) if people want but I think I would rather just have a mass at church for us. I think prayer is all we need. I called and left a message for the priest to call me, hopefully I can get something set up. I will invite everyone to join us in prayer.
On to another subject... I need to go buy some little stuff just in case we do get to bring her home (that would be so nice). I have the big stuff (car seat, stroller, etc.) I made sure all of Julian's stuff stayed nice and neat for the 2ND time around and I bought neutral colors with that in mind. I need to buy her little pj's and receiving blankets, stuff like that. I have been looking forward to buying that stuff since the day I found out I was pregnant but at the same time I am sad about it because I don't know if she will get to wear them. I would rather be prepared then not be prepared at all. I am not going to go crazy on the shopping but just enough to get us by. Again, is this really happening to me???? I know going shopping for her is going to be emotional, I can't even go buy diapers for Julian without wanting to cry but I want to be the one to buy that stuff for her. I want to feel even if it's for a few moments that all is well and that I am shopping for my baby like most normal pregnant woman do.
Lately I have been dreaming of her so much and in each dream she is perfect. In my dreams I know something is wrong with her yet I see her so her normal. It feels so real. Those dreams play with my head because I want that so badly... I want to hold her, I want to kiss her and I want to see her grow. I want to see how Julian is going to be as a big brother to her. Thinking of that brings tears to my eyes because that might not happen and it's just not fair. I am going to stop writing for now because I feel too sad now.
1 year ago