Tomorrow marks exactly one month since I held my daughter in arms. One month since I felt her breath on me and heard her soft angelic whimpers. I remember seeing her for the first time and how instantly I fell more in love with her. I was blessed to not take a single day for granted while I held her in my belly. Since I was twelve weeks and they told me something might be wrong, I went to bed thanking God for giving me one more day with her and I would also tell Sami how much I loved her. Without a doubt she knew how much I loved her. Now I cannot feel her, I cannot read to her like before. She is physically not here with me and I am just having such a hard time with that. I cannot put into words how much my heart aches right now. The pain is so big that I feel it physically. My body does not know how to react to the emotional pain I am in. The pain I feel now reminds me of how I felt when they came to pick her from me at the hospital. Oh gosh I will never forget that moment. Looking back now I am not sure how I managed to get through that. I was holding her and that sudden knock on the door just made my heart sink. There were many knocks on that door but that particular one was different, I just knew who it was. That was when I totally fell apart that day because having her there brought me so much joy that I really made it a point to not cry all over her. But having her no longer there was just excruciating. I was crying so much, holding her tighter than ever, telling her I loved her time and time again while trying to remember every detail about her. Watching my husband put her in the car seat just broke my heart because he was also crying so much while trying to do that. I wish I did not have that memory because it was such a beautiful day until that moment. It was a beautiful day indeed, it was sunny and warm. I sat by the window and let the warmth of the sun touch Sami’s face while I held her. I am so glad I did that now, I am also glad that I got to take a little nap with her too. I wish I could have had more time to make more memories but that just wasn’t God’s plan for us.
This whole week has been pretty bad for me. I just feel so sad and in a way very alone. I know I have many people who I can talk to but I just have not had the energy to do so. I even feel like my own husband does not get me and I know he is feeling just like I am. We all have different ways of dealing with this and I understand that. I have been lucky to have him home with me this past month but starting Monday he will be back at work and I am scared. I have not been alone this whole month, which has been very nice and much needed. However in the past few weeks I have noticed how differently we both deal with our loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but when it is two people dealing with such a big loss at the same time it is so hard. I say that because I need him like never before and he probably feels the same, however it is at different times. I could be having a good day and he might not and vice versa. With him going back to work I am scared because I have not had to deal with this while being really alone and dealing with Julian. Julian of course keeps us busy but dealing with him and the terrible two’s can at times be a little overwhelming for me right now. I just do not always have the energy to run after him and play all day! Oh we will see how it goes for me; I have to deal with it at one point or another. Oh gosh how this month has been such hell for me! I know I have to take it day by day but some days I just want to hide under a rock. I want to pretend that this is not real; I want to pretend that what happened to Sami really didn’t. I feel like I am living someone else’s life right now, I life that I never even thought about before.
So tomorrow I am going to try to put a smile on face and make the best of it even though my heart is aching. I am going to just think about the wonderful moments with Sami and thank God for giving them to me. I will not be selfish and ruin this holiday for everyone; I know I will get through it. For all of the loss mama’s out there I wish you much strength to get through these holidays. I know you ache as much as I do. May God bless everyone!
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I found this poem on Holly's blog, I thought I would post it on my blog because I now walk in these shoes! I read this a few months back and it really touched me but now it has a new profound meaning.
Another Monday, this marks 3 weeks that my little girl is no longer with me. Will it always be this way, will I always dread Mondays even more than I did before? I feel like as the days go by it gets harder for me to deal with and it kind of scares me because I want to be able to have much happier days. I try so hard, I try to get out of the house more often so that I am not at home feeling sad and yes it works for a while but there is always that sadness in me. I always feel like there is something missing.
I do the family get together's and as much fun as they are I want to sometimes just get away and hide in a room because I get this sudden feeling to just cry. Cry because I just miss her so much. I can still feel her in my arms and hear her little sounds that I just cannot get it out of my head. Everyday passes and it seems like my tears do not have an ending to them. I do not feel like I have to cry all day but like I have said before anything can trigger the tears. I am a broken soul right now and I am really hurting. At times I do not know how to share that with people because I am not sure they now how to deal with me because they have not been through this. My husband and I of course have gotten closer than ever now which has been wonderful. He has been off of work since Sami was born because his work is wonderful (thank you to all his co-workers who gave him vacation hours) but what is going to happen when I do not have him with me? I am a little worried about that and I have really considered going to a few counseling sessions just for my own well being. I figured that cannot hurt me one bit and I might be able to get a little better insight into this whole grieving process.
Tomorrow we are supposed to go on a road trip and I am trying to force myself to want to really want to go. I keep telling myself it will be good for us to go and get away but I just cannot find any excitement in this trip. I hope that once we get going my attitude will change a little bit. I cannot be such a prude because I know my husband needs a little get away and I do not want to ruin it for him. I am going to make the best of it and like I said hope it turns out to be a good trip.
Yesterday was Julian's 2ND birthday which should have made me feel happy but I was having a really hard time with it. Perhaps because Sami's due date was supposed to be on November 15Th and all the should and could haves start to cross your mind. Months ago I was excited when I found out my due date because I was already imagining double birthday party's all the time. I have to admit I was a little sad at first that Julian was going to have to share his birthday but I got over that really fast. Julian was born on my sister's birthday and Sami was due on my dad's birthday so there was going to be much to celebrate.
When life throws a curve ball at you it is so hard to get back on track. I just cannot stop thinking of what could have been, how I would be handling life right now with a toddler running around and a newborn! I try to not let myself think of that but I think it is only normal. I think was is most difficult it just learning to live everyday with out her. I have to come to terms with that reality even though there are moments where I just can't. I have my moments where I am doing alright because I get so consumed with Julian but then he will do something or say something to remind me again that she is not here and then my mood will change so quickly. Thank goodness that most of the time when I think of her all I can do is smile because I have only good memories with her but of course I cry because I miss her so much. Julian will at times point up and tell me to look then he will either say "hi baby or I love you baby" I am not sure but I honestly think he sees something that we don't. I love those moments but then I get sad because I know he would have been such a good big brother to her. My goal now is to forever keep memory with us so that he can later remember her. I don't want her to ever be forgotten by our close family and friends because in my heart she will always live on.
I have been trying to figure out these days what it is that I am feeling. I know it is not anger, hurt does not seem like it is enough to describe it. Perhaps what I feel is so big that I am dumb to it. Almost like when you have a traumatic experience and your minds blocks it out, can that be? I know my mind cannot block out what has happened however in a way it almost does because I just cannot believe that I no longer have Sami with me. For so long I held on to her in my womb and now my body is longing for a baby that is no longer here, it does not seem fair. Forever she is in my heart but just getting over not having here physically is so much harder than I thought.
Last week we went to pick up her ashes and it was nice to finally be bringing her home but again so hard to come to terms with not being able to hold her again in my arms. My faith in God has never been so strong like it is now. I never really gave much thought to heaven because I honestly feared death, I knew it was a place that existed but now it is place I think about and a place that I do not fear because I know there is someone so special waiting there for me. I sometimes think maybe this happened to me so that God can get it through to me that heaven is real and that I should not be so afraid to leave this earth. I do not know everyday I try to think of a single reason why this happened to us.
My heart aches knowing that there are so many mothers out there that have been through this and are going to go through this. People can tell you it will be ok but will it ever? Ok means what? You move on and take things day by day but does that mean your life is Ok and that your heart will no longer ache? Does Ok mean that you will no longer want to hold your baby again? I know it is hard for people to say the right words but there are none. A simple hug I think sometimes says more than words can. Oh yeah for people who say “you are young you can always have another one,” think before you speak, especially when the wound is so new. That is so hurtful because my baby is not replaceable to me matter what. I know people mean well but sometimes no words are better. For all the mother’s who have left me messages THANK YOU so much because your words really do get to me because you have also walked this path unfortunately. Your support has been overwhelming and I am forever grateful.
Monday, we had to go to the mortuary (a place I really dread) to pick out the readings for the mass and to drop off the bassinet we were going to put Sami in. Since we wee there I was longing to see my baby so I asked if I could dress her since we were going to dress her Tuesday morning. Greg the person helping us was more than happy to give us as much time as we needed with her. Initially seeing her brought me so an uncontrollable sobbing but once I held her in my arms I was actually OK. Holding my baby felt so good but at the same time it was a little weird because I knew Sami was no longer with us. Her body was there but her soul was already somewhere else. I think that is what brought me peace, knowing she was already in a better place that we were not able to provide for her.
Before she was born we had bought her two gowns because we were not sure how big she was going to be when she was born and thank goodness we did because we got her first one a little dirty from the make up they had put on her. So we had to dress her in the second one, it was a little long but still it fit her so well and she looked so angelic in it. We had to remove the stitching from the back of the bonnet because her head had that mass on the side but it still looked so pretty on her little head. They had wrapped her little head so we were not able to see her gorgeous dark hair but that is OK. We have many pictures of that so that we cannot forget that. As were dressing her so many thoughts crossed my mind but I held up surprising well and we both must have told her we loved her about a thousand times! Walking out of there was so hard but I knew I would get to see her again on Tuesday. So again I had to talk to myself to keep it together.
Tuesday morning… I was up so early because I was not able to sleep so well. My husband and I got there really early because we wanted to spend sometime alone with her again and I am so glad for that time. The minute I walked in I picked her from her bassinet and held her in my arms. Part of me was in denial that I was there and really going through that. It almost does not seem real to be in that situation, I even had to ask my husband, “Are we really here?” It is cruel that parents have to go through such pain but for some of us it is our reality. Little by little people stared to show up and we had to move to a bigger room. I walked her to the other room and looking back now I really do not remember that, it is weird. Eventually I had to place her back into the bassinet and I just sat there staring at her. Keeping from sobbing out loud was a little hard but I managed to it well. I had moments of smiles but mainly tears. I do not how many tissues I went through. Again, it is a cruel thing to go through in life.
There were so many people at the service it was really nice to see how much my Sami meant to people. We had a friend of ours sing and play his guitar so that really nice, hard to not cry during those moments. My little nieces were there and I was not sure how they were going to handle seeing Sami since they are still very young. I was so proud of them because through their tears they still managed to go up and see her but it really broke my heart to see their pain. I cannot comprehend what happened so I can only imagine how in their young minds had to process that. Thank God Sami looked so peaceful in her bassinet. She looked like she was a very peaceful sleep, so I hope that helped them see she is in a better place. As the end of service was coming closer I really started to have a harder time because I knew the moments were near that I would have to forever say goodbye to my baby. As soon as everyone came by to pay their respects to us, it felt as I leaped over to her and held her once more. That is when I really had a hard time. I did not want to let her go. I held on to her so tight and kissed her so many more times. My husband was next tome telling me I had to let her go but I could not do it, my arms did not want to let her go. I was frozen and so much in pain at that moment. Everyone was outside waiting for us to release 100 pink and white balloons (100 minutes we had with her, here on earth). I knew I had to let go and I eventually did but walking out of there was devastating. Walking outside and getting some fresh air was nice and it felt good in a way, I think I really needed that. The balloons were released and one white balloon led the rest of the balloons. They all stuck together, I wish I had a picture of that. It was beautiful; the significance behind it reassured me again that Sami is home now. That put a smile on my face.
Before we left for my brother’s house for an early dinner, we stopped by the children’s burial section to put flowers on their graves. Sami received so many flowers that we decided to leave some there for other babies who have passed. It was nice to see Julian take part in that although he did take a lollipop from one grave! They had just had a birthday and the baby’s parents left little candy bags and of course Julian found them. Oh Julian, he keeps me smiling everyday. One funny thing he never wanted the lollipop opened he just held on to it, as a matter of fact just yesterday I found in it in our truck and threw it away! Anyhow, at my brother’s house we were again surrounded by so much love and support it was amazing. Thank you everyone for the support, you have no idea how much that means to us. This is a long one I said and I apologize for going on and on but I just had to share.
I cannot even sleep knowing that tomorrow will be the day I have to say goodbye to my little angel. Yesterday was a day of reflection since we were putting together some programs and some collages of the pictures that were taken. I am so lucky to have so many pictures. I also got a video and the picture CD from Michelle (NILMDTS). She was wonderful and got them back to me so fast, I cannot thank her enough because all the pictures came out beautiful and the video she put together just brings to tears. My little one is so beautiful!
It has been one week today and the pain seems to get worse as these days go by. I wold have thought that after all these months I would have somewhat been prepared for this but I guess NO ONE can never be prepared for this heartache. I have to keep telling myself that she is a better place now and that one day I will see her again. I feel so bad for parents who have to go through this when the passing of a loved one comes as a shock, I cannot imagine that. It seems like my tears are endless and again it comes and goes. Everyday is different and everyday it is something knew that triggers my tears. It seems like Julian knows that his mommy and daddy are hurting because if he sees us cry he will always stay back for a little bit then come to rub our back with one of his gentle hugs. That little guys has gotten us through this past few days like you would not believe. With him I do not have time to sit and just cry. I want to just stay in bed and do nothing but he keeps me going. I still have to be a mom and care for him, he knows something big happened but as his young age not the full extent of it. As a gift someone gave him a book that is perfect because it helps siblings understand about a baby's passing. The book is called "We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead."
Today we have to go drop stuff off at the mortuary to get things ready, not looking forward to that either, I hate going to that place. Tomorrow morning we have to go and dress our little girl (my choice of course). I am actually looking forward to that because I get to hold her in my arms once again. How am I going to do for the rest of the service is beyond me. I know God will help me through this again because he has been with me the whole way.
Now a little message for people who are not sure what to do or how to approach us because of what we are going through... Please do not let us walk alone through this heartache. Most people assume we want to be left alone but it's the opposite, being alone just makes it harder at times. A simple phone call or a visit is always welcomed, if we need the space we will let you know. Feel free to talk about Sami, she is a part of us now and we never want her life to be forgotten. To us she will live forever.