Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!!! I know it is extremely difficult for many of us to find much joy however I know God is walking with us all. To the many angels, Merry Christmas in heaven!!! You are all dearly missed.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I hadn’t done that in a couple weeks. I have been feeling so lonely and I cannot console my aching heart. This morning when I woke up I really wanted to believe it was going to be a better day but, no today has been by far the worst day I have had in a long time.
My husband has been working long hours and I really have not had the chance to spend time with him. I am not used to that because ever since Sami was born we have pretty much been together all the time. Being home without him has been so hard, not sure if it’s because the holidays, I have just been feeling so blue. When he is home I just feel like we are on different pages. It is making me really sad. I suppose I can go somewhere to distract myself but I just do not feel like it. All around me I see happy people and it makes me so angry. I am angry that I cannot be like them. I just want for one minute to feel “normal.” I do not even know what that means anymore.
Today I seriously had a meltdown and I feel horrible because I know I took it our on Julian and he has no fault in this. I scolded him out my own frustration. He was having a bad day too and I could not handle it. He was crying because he just wanted me to hold him I lost it. I couldn’t stop myself from crying, poor thing he just looked at me so helpless. I am the parent here I am not supposed to loose it like this. I just feel like I am drowning. I cannot find my way back to shore. This whole time I thought I was handling this so well but I guess I part of me was still feeling numb or just in denial. It is so hard to really come to terms with this. It has almost been two months and I feel like I just now starting to realize what has happened. How was this beautiful child taken from me? It’s not fair and I am having such a hard time with this. Right now I feel like the way I did when I had to hand her over. I feel like I cannot breath and I cannot control these tears. God help me!!! I am back at square one and I am scared. I want to have the strength to get through this. Maybe I am trying to rush my feelings and not allowing myself to really feel this pain.
This is horrible, Christmas is a few days away and I should be feeling some sort of warm feelings. I have not even bought Julian anything! Again, I feel so bad that I am not been a good mom to him. It is just so hard for me to ask people for help. It is hard to admit that I need help. Again I am drowning, I feel like I am trying to get up but people cannot reach me. Perhaps they don’t know what do once they get me out. For people who have never been through this it’s a helpless feeling.
It’s raining just what I needed to add to my much depressing mood of the day! I decided to start cleaning my closet to put away my maternity clothes and the feelings of being pregnant just came over me. As painful as it was I miss it. Have I mentioned I hate Mondays? In my horrible mood I realized that my days have been crappy because…
Sami is not here with me.
I feel like I am not being a good mom to Julian.
I do not have the same kind of patience that I once had.
I try to do things like before that would bring me joy and now they just don’t (trust me I try).
Christmas is around the corner and I and not the Jolly mood.
I am stressed about going back to work because I am really not ready yet.
I am constantly tired and there is no reason why physically I should be.
My house is a mess and I just don’t care.
Seeing new little babies makes me so sad and jealous of their mother’s.
I know there are so many kids in foster homes just because their parents don’t want them, what I would give to be able to hold Sami for just one second longer!
I hate when people tell me I am strong because feel like I am just letting them down by putting up a front, I am at the weakest point in my life.
I am way too over protective of Julian now because I feel like at any point he can be taken away from me too and I would not be able to handle that.
For the reason above, I feel like that will come between my husband and I, which will not be a good thing.
I resent people for not talking about Sami, like if she never existed even though I know they don’t mention her because they feel like I will start to cry or something (FYI, mention her it will make me feel so much better!)
People that should have shown some support have not and that makes me hate them which in turn makes me feel bad about myself because I should not hate or hold a grudge on anyone.
I feel fat and not so pretty these days.
My stomach is covered with stretch marks and I hate it! (I should be proud of them because my body did so well in taking care of Sami.)
I guess I could go on forever with how crappy I feel but at the end of the day I have to give thanks to God for the things I do have like a roof over my head, a loving family and wonderful friends who have been there to support me these past few months. I hope the days to come are followed by sunshine so that I can snap out of this mood because I feel so BLAH!