Did I mention I hate Monday's? Especially today because Sami would be exactly 6 months. I am supposed to be holding her today and giving her tons of kisses. Julian should be saying happy birthday and singing his "happy, happy, cha cha" song for her.
This really sucks, today is a very emotional day for me. I feel so sad and angry because this is not fair! I know, I know "everything happens for a reason" well today that just sounds like BS to me. What is the purpose of making me suffer so much, what did I so badly in this life to deserve this? My anger is not towards God or anyone is particular. Death is part of life but I just wish it wasn't part of mine.
I wonder what Sami would look like today, would she have some of my personality in her? Would her hair still be wavy like mine? I hate having so many questions that will always be unanswered. I forgot to post last week that I had a dream and she was in it. Marie was holding her by the hand, she was a toddler. I knew it was her but I couldn't see her features or anything. They were far away from me. Marie had a baby in her arms in a light blue wrap, she looked so peaceful (that I remember clearly). Marie said to me "I have your son Joseph here with me but he will be coming home to you soon". I woke up right after that, so of course that has been in my head for the past week now. I know I am not pregnant but is she trying to tell me something? I still feel like I am not ready and I honestly I don't think I ever will. It is something that just has to happen and then I know I will do just fine. I hope the natural mom in me will come back. I do think it is weird that it was a boy in my dreams because I was telling my honey a few months back that when we have another baby I just have a feeling that it will be boy. So now if it does happen and it is boy his name will have to definitely have Joseph in it (Franchesca, I am not trying to steal your name, lol). That would just be so weird and again just confirms that babies are heaven sent. Before I was pregnant with Julian, my honey's uncle passed away (a month before or so) and he told I was going to get pregnant soon with a boy and well he was right! That is why Julian's middle name is Salvador after him, I just had to include his name because he sure did tell me my son was soon to come into our lives, amazing that things like that happen. We will just have to wait and see that my future holds but today I am at a stand still because I cannot believe it has already been 6 months.
Sami, mommy misses you so much. Happy 6 month Birthday! I wish I could hold you and kiss you today. Julian was thinking a lot about you yesterday, he even fell asleep with your blanket. He was crying for baby, held your blanket and was fast asleep for his afternoon nap. How I wish you were here so you could feel his love first hand. I know that he will always hold a special place in his heart for you. I get sad that he only has your blanket to hold but it makes me happy to know how much he loves you so. Daddy and I love you so much too. Daddy was really sad that he wasn't able to make to the walk the other day. You helped me make a difference and raise so much money for the March of Dimes. You still continue to touch so many lives.
P.S baby girl, please continue to walk along side your Tia Marie, tell her we love and miss her too!
1 year ago