I feel like I have not blogged in forever. I start to but something comes up and I never finish! So the other day I had to go to emergency because I had been having a really bad pain in my stomach for 3 days. Thank goodness it was nothing serious it was just an ulcer, gastritis and a bladder infection. They gave me meds and I will survive. I felt like a big baby but really the pain was pretty bad. Anyhow, I was back at the hospital. Another side of it that I had never seen, I sat there waiting to be called just people watching like I always do. There are some weird people at hospitals, lol! Anyhow, I was filling out forms and of course one of the questions was “number of live births”… Why does it have to say “live”? What about the mother’s who give birth to a still baby? Do those births not count? That is a question’s that needs to be revised on all the hospital forms. I hate that so much. They carried a child for goodness sake, why don’t they count? It’s not fair…. See things like this make me mad and that is why I got this stupid ulcer, lol!
They finally called my name and it was time for an ultra sound, uugghh did I really have to do this? I had to really talk myself into not crying. I feel like I was going through post traumatic syndrome or something. I was all hot and breathing pretty fast even before I laid down on the table. I knew there was no baby to see, no heart beat to hear so I don’t understand why it affected me that much. I think the tech noticed something was up because she told me not to worry because it wasn’t going to hurt. I felt like telling her I had a million of them I know they don’t hurt but the last time they did this, Sami was kicking away pushing that Doppler away. 7 months ago I had one and she was still alive! Is it going to be like when I have another baby? I get scared thinking about it, nothing is certain not even a rainbow baby. Then that got me wondering about how I am going to feel being pregnant again, will my fear allow me to enjoy it? It’s not going to fair to future baby that I will constantly be worried but I guess that only comes naturally to someone who has already been through a loss before. I keep reading about happy stories about children after a loss and of course that gives me hope but it’s always in the back of my mind, what if? There is no way I can say good bye to another one of my children, my heart really couldn’t handle that. I talked to my doctor a few weeks ago (never finished that post). He said what Sami had was pretty rare and he really believes it will not happen again but still. He was really nice and said he is looking forward to delivering a healthy baby for me to take home. I hope he is right, I want that too. So from this point on, if it happens I will welcome it with open arms. I just hope that I don’t hear from anyone that having another baby is going to help me “move on”. I will punch someone if they say that to me. Moving on is not an option, it’s just adjusting my life without her.
Sami, I really miss you. I have started to get things together for your memorial service. I want it to be perfect just like you! I want the world to know how much you have touched our lives. Tomorrow you will be 7 months!!! Time has gone by so fast sweetheart but I haven’t forgotten anything about you. All the memories are still so vivid in my mind, even down to your scent. The other day another butterfly came and landed on me, I knew it was you again, thank you I really needed that. This is the butterfly, I set it on the flowers in my mom's backyard to take a picture of it. I wish I had my camera with me (this one is from my phone).
On a good note, my nephew graduated this weekend from Cal State Fullerton. Marie’s dream was always to see him graduate. I know she was watching from above. As I sat there for hours at the graduation I was wondering if Marie was looking down below.
I looked up and I seen this…. I knew she was there with us celebrating his accomplishment. He put this on his cap for Marie, so cute!!
1 year ago