Fall is here, I love the fall. The smells, the cool breeze on my face and the falling leaves. I love it all but these past days it has brought me so many emotions. I stepped out the truck yesterday and the smell in the air just brought me back to last year when I was trying my best to embrace everyday with Sami. I would pray to God to let me hold her as long as I could even though by this point I was already in pain from the poly. Everyday I would embrace those kicks and take it all in. It is weird how a simple smell can bring me back to those moments in an instant. I am happy for those moments but it still pulls at my heart. How I wish it would be different. It's almost 11 months, I can't believe it. Next month will be her memorial service and I am looking forward to it because I really want it to bring me peace. I need to do this for me and of course for her. I hope it all turns out to be OK.
So yesterday as I walked in I noticed the mail and there it is was... her birth certificate. It took me long enough to order it, not sure why to be honest. There in my hand was official proof that she really was born alive. I felt like showing it off to who ever just so they can really see for themselves that she really lived. It broke my heart to see on the bottom corner "date of death" but I just ignored that part. Even if she would have never taken a single breath I would still say she lived. Sorry for all you have had a still birth and have to deal with people believing your child never lived. Just makes me sad because they all lived within us. It is so sad that I received her death certificate before this one but it is what it is. Now I get to place another item in her memory box. I want to cry, I want to scream that this is just so unfair. I miss her so much, I ache for her every single day. For people who wonder if I have moved on, uumm no! Coping... yes, breathing... yes learning to live out her... yes. Some days are good, I smile, I laugh but the pain is never far away.
Sami baby please surround me with your warmth as the days to your birthday approach. It's starting to get a little more difficult for me. Time obviously isn't healing my broken heart. I need you more than ever, lots of kisses and hugs my sweet.
1 year ago