Sami's Blog

Your a lucky girl Sami

2012-01-12T17:48:00.000-08:00

Sami, you are one lucky girl to have Julian as your big brother. Not one day goes by that he doesn't think of you and mention your name. He loves you and I know he misses you. I love to hear him tell Emma that she has another sister but she lives with Papa Jesus. He isn't afraid to mention your name to anyone and I love that. He makes me so so proud of him. I would fear that he was to young you remember you but I was wrong, so wrong. Last week I was about to begin cleaning up Emma's room but she just looked so cute and I had to take a picture of her. While I was doing that Julian was next me making music (more like banging Emma's blocks) when I heard him sing a song to you. I wish I would have thought of switching my camera to movie mode earlier to catch him when he started but I was so taken back that I just sat there and enjoyed his song to you. I did get to record it but it's hard to hear him clearly. His lyrics went something like, "Sami is a baby, Sami is a baby, she lives in my heart, she lives in my heart" what a beautiful song huh? Did you hear it in heaven my love? I sure hope you did. Here is what I was able to get, listen carefully at the very beginning, before "twinkle twinkle little star"
Do you come into his dreams? Is that how he knows you so well? I love that he loves you so much. I love you too little one.

BEFORE WATCHING BE SURE TO TURN OFF MY MUSIC PLAYER AT THE BOTTOM.

Marie

2012-01-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had my brother and his family over, I love that they all visit me now that I am closer. Anyhow the day was peaceful as can be but I went to bed thinking about Marie. Well she came to me in my dream. I woke up this morning so excited because it has been a while since I had a dream of her. Well in this dream it was yesterday all over again even to the clothes everyone was wearing but Marie was there. It was a like a movie because only I could see her and talk to her yet no one was able to notice me. She walked into the kitchen and I almost knocked her down because I ran to hug her, that hug felt so darn real that I can still feel that now. I was telling her how much I missed her and she she said she missed me too. I asked for Sami and all she said was that she was nearby. I wish I could have seen her (sigh). Anyhow, I asked her if she had seen Emma and she said of course she has and she couldn't believe how fast she was growing. She said she loved the new house and knew how happy I was to be here. The entire time we were having this conversation was she standing next to my brother and she said she missed everyone very much but she is always near them never far behind. I remember feeling sad that they weren't able to feel her but she kept reassuring me that she is always with them and that hopefully they feel her from time to time. I didn't want the time to end but the next thing I knew she was gone and our conversations continued like nothing. She looked beautiful and radiant like always and this time she was wearing white not pink like she usually does. Marie was a beautiful woman but wow heaven has made her look even better. That one in a million smile is brighter, her laughter is bigger and she literally glows now. It brings me such peace when I have dreams of her, I can't wait to see her again.

Now that I am on this subject, on Saturday we went to celebrate my friend's daughter one year in heaven. Not sure if you guys remember but last year she left too soon because of cancer. Anyhow, the balloon release was held at her graveside and it was perfect. The weather was nice and most of all my friend was surrounded by many many people.

An S for Samantha Jordan!!!

Well you know how I mention from time to time that Julian is special? Well as we were getting Emma in her car seat my husband I heard him talking (he was in front next to us) and he said "stop talking to me little angel's" we were like what? So we stopped our conversation so we could him better and again he said "stop talking to me little angel's you are scaring me" then he got in the truck like nothing. We didn't want to mention it to him but he said he seen papa Jesus there so we asked him who he was talking to but he couldn't really explain to us why. Again, my son is SPECIAL!!!!

MIA

2012-01-03T17:37:00.000-08:00

That has been me lately, missing in action! I seriously cannot believe I have not posted anything in two months, yes that is right two months. So much has been going on and I just haven't had time or Internet.
We sold our house right before the holiday's so I have been packing, moving and unpacking all before Christmas while my husband was out of town for work. Things were hectic and I think they are finally starting to settle down. Great way to start 2012, happy new year's to everyone.

Recap.... Thanksgiving, it was nice, we shared it with my family. Emma and Julian seemed to like it so that made me feel better. Holiday's are always hard because I know someone is missing but thankfully this Thanksgiving wasn't as hard as last year. We went camping that weekend so it helped me stay busy.

Julian had a black eye from the weekend before : (

I love these two little one's they keep me grounded that is for sure.

Emma is a little character and knows how to get what she wants. She will reach high and low until she gets her target and if she doesn't get it you will hear her from a mile away, lol.

Emma and her crazy camping hair!

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All better after a bath

The move to a new city closer to my family is something I have been wanting for years and I couldn't be happier. I am sad we left our old house because we had so many memories there but those memories will always be in my heart and new memories are to be made at our new place so I try not to dwell to much on the change. The house is bigger and my husband will be able to keep his horse in the backyard so I cannot complain. Someone upstairs was looking out for us!!!! Moving right before the holiday's was challenging but we did it and still managed to put up a Christmas tree for the kids.

I LOVE MY KITCHEN!!!

The new Delgado residence

Christmas Eve

My 3 loves

Always in my heart

My new Sami ornament

Can't forget the picture with Santa, I still have to scan the one with her smiling but this will do for now...

Happy New Year's to you all

As you can see my days have been filled with lots of love and smiles, I am one blessed girl and I thank God everyday for it.

Recap of Sami's birthday

2011-11-02T23:45:00.000-07:00

I have been HORRIBLE at posting, I just can't find the time these days and that is because I am home! When I finally get a chance I am just so ready for bed.
Sami's day went great, we delivered our care packages, went to Disneyland (Emma's first time there) and then we did our sky lantern release. It was busy, emotional and beautiful. By the end of the night I was drained and I don't think I have fully recovered. I mean it was like all of a sudden my body shut down because now I feel a pretty bad cold coming on (great).
When we finally came home and sang happy birthday to her Julian just made me really fall apart. He in his little voice said "I miss Sami" it through me off because he has never said something like and then he went on saying "remenber (that is how he pronounces it) me gave her cheerios?" My goodness my boy was just a few weeks shy of being two, how could he remember? I lost it, completely lost it at that point thinking about that makes me want to cry again. I hope Emma knows her sister in a special way like Julian. He understanding of her life is so beautiful. I tell my husband that I hope Julian and Emma know the meaning and significance of October 26 to our family. I am sad that MANY people (family) didn't bother to call us or text us on her day but I am trying not to dwell on that, it is what it is. For everyone who did remember THANK YOU a million times because that is what really helped me get through that day.
November is another difficult day for me because that was the day of her actual service and the last time I physically held her last. So hard to get back on track. I know November is a month to be thankful and I am really trying to focus on that but right now my heart is still a little sore I will join that movement in a few days.
I will leave you with a few pictures of her special day, I wish I would have gotten better pictures of the sky lantern release but I was trying to record video, take pictures and taking it all in.

We stopped her brick

Emma amazed by Minnie Mouse

We bought our little angel her Minnie ears and below it was her name, it was meant to be.

Right before we did a balloon release at the castle

Off they went to her

Sami's Minnie ears

The sky lanterns

Couldn't capture the beauty of them : (

These didn't fly as easy as I hoped for

A gift to her from another angel mom

Wearing her ears

Julian holding her after we sang to her

Happy Birthday my love

2011-10-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!

Has it really been 2 years since I kissed that precious face? It seems like it was just yesterday because I remember every detail like it just happened. On October 26, 2009 at 5:04AM, my world was blessed by a precious 4 pound little angel. On that day I became a very special type of mom, a mom who cherishes each day and doesn't take one for granted. A mom who loves like crazy and a mom who can say she held her very own angel. That to me makes a special person and that goes for every mom out there who has lost a precious child.

It has been so long since I last wrote, October is not easy for me but I kept busy. I am happy to say I achieved my goal for Sami's birthday. I have finished 10 care packages that I am going to deliver on her special day. I do not want my packages given away because that means that there is another special mom out there but if and when it happens I want them to know that they are not alone. I remember feeling so lost when I left the hospital and that was because I had time to prepare so I can't imagine someone who goes in expecting a happy outcome but doesn't. Sami I hope you are proud of your mommy because you keep giving me strength to carry on. Everything I do is in your honor baby girl.
This past Sunday we had a birthday celebration for her and were going to release some sky lanterns but the wind had other plans. I hope that tomorrow night we will be able to light the sky so she can see that she is never forgotten along with many of her angel friends.

SAMI I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MY HEART ACHES EVERY MOMENT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT HERE BUT I KNOW ONE DAY I WILL HOLD YOU AGAIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME SUCH A SPECIAL MOM...

Here are some pictures of my care packages (THANK YOU to everyone who helped me)

Thank you Franchesca Cox for creating these beautiful cards

It's soon approaching

2011-09-29T00:25:00.000-07:00

Her day is soon approaching and the thought of it is weighing on me. I know her birthday is a day of celebration but it is also such a difficult day for me. I had been fine but as I look at the calender and see October just a few days away I am filled with such sad emotions. Two years have fast approached and I have many things to be grateful for but still this void never seems to ease up. I am sure from the outside I look fine, I laugh, I smile but I am still broken. I will be forever, I except that now but it still isn't easy. I had a whole year to prepare you would think it would be easier for me. Perhaps having Emma here with me makes it a little harder because I have realized how much I missed out on Sami.

I feel really bad that I neglected this blog lately because I really need it and I miss following up with everyone but I just have had no time. I am officially a stay home mommy and I am yet to find a routine. I have realized going to work is sometimes a little easier. I am not complaining because I LOVE my new job I just need to learn to manage my time better and allow a little bit of me time here and there. This space is comforting to me, I still need it. Like I said time has passed but that doesn't mean that I still don't feel lost from time to time.

Right now the kids are sleeping as I should be but I just want to take in the quietness. My husband is out of town again this week and it always seems to be like my real emotional moments are when he isn't here. I just need to let out a good cry and prepare myself for October. What is that saying "take the bull by the horns" that will be me for the most part of October but I know I will fall flat on my face with grief and emotion at some point. I feel like someone needs to take the lead and I will just follow. Last year I was so consumed with her birthday memorial party and being newly pregnant with Emma that I guess I was just not allowing myself to deal it emotionally. This year my plans were to have the care packages dropped off at the hospital on her day but I am a little behind and I also want to do something special celebrate her with my close family and friends. I just feel stuck, I need a little push to get out this little pitty party that I am having right now. I need Sami to send me her love and strength, I need it more than ever right now.

Hello blog world

2011-08-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

Is August almost over? Hard to believe how fast time passes. Having to care for two little one's I suppose will help speed up time.
Julian is funny as ever and so sweet and well Emma is a little chunker full of toothless smiles. Being at home with them this whole time has been a real blessing. I am sad I missed so much with Julian but he was always in good hands.
Sami's birthday is almost here and I finally got the OK from the hospital to drop of care packages for other loss mom's. I am really excited about this and now trying to figure out a budget and how I am going to get this really going because I don't want it to be just be once a year thing but one step at a time. I am also trying to figure out how and what other celebration I am going to do for her. For sure a remembrance mass so I can share with family and friend's but not sure what else. I love celebrating birthday's and just because she isn't here doesn't mean I can't celebrate right? People might see it as weird but I really don't care what they think. I can't believe two years are approaching and I am still living. I was talking my hubs a few nights back and we both agree that the first few months felt like there was no way out. Now we still hurt but we handle it differently. Emma for sure has helped us grow, again I will emphasize that she is in no way a replacement but my heart once again has joy in it. I am sure many of you loss mom's can relate to those early days where it felt like there was no sun in sight and as time passes and rainbow's born you find yourself alive again. It is a great feeling!!!
I love being comfortable in saying I have 3 kids when people ask. I don't feel weird saying one is in heaven because it is not weird, it is my new life. I don't even give them a chance to give me that pitty look because I am not saying it for sympathy. So be careful when you ask a parent how many kids they have because you never know who you are asking. There are days of course that are still difficult to cope with you of course but I know that will be for the rest of my life. I will wipe the tears as I have done all these months and keep moving forward. I want to make Sami proud that her mama is a survivor and she keeps going.

I have not had a chance to really follow everyone's blogs but that doesn't mean that I don't pray for you guys and wish all the best. Thank goodness for facebook because I keep up there as best as I can. So from now until October I will be busy with making care packages and figuring out a way to remember Sami on her birthday. ((HUGS)) to everyone.

Do you see her?

2011-08-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

On Friday I was excited because Emma was getting her first shower so I had to snap a picture. Once I looked at it I was so shocked to see a profile on the wall behind Emma... Lets see if you are able to see it too....

Things like this make me smile. Oh and this morning out of the blue Julian said Sami likes chocolate, lol.

Recovery

2011-07-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had surgery because I had an umbilical hernia that needed to get fixed. I got this hernia after I had Julian, they say it can be caused by a long labor and well after 33 hrs I guess it was a given. It has just gotten worse throughout the years. I am in pain but I will be fine, the pain I was in after I delivered Emma was worse. The only thing is that I am not supposed to lift more than 10lbs for 6 weeks!!! How is that going to be possible with 2 month old at home? I could go stay at my mom's but that means I won't be able to see my husband during the week and I can't handle that and there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed. For the next few days he will be home with me so I will not worry about anything until I really need to. I am glad I got it fixed now because it was really bothering me and it was only going to get worse. The Dr said it was worse than she thought : (

So now I sit here getting pampered by my husband and it feels so weird. I HATE just sitting around doing nothing. I could handle that for an hour or two. I guess we will have to make it a movie day today. I just hope the pain starts to ease soon. I really don't want to take the pain meds for much longer. I was still breastfeeding but now I really can't. My milk supply was already dwindling down but I was still able to give something but now with the meds and not being able to lift her I just can't. I know Emma doesn't mind she is not a picky eater she takes the bottle really well. We have her on soy formula like we had Julian, both have a sensitive tummy. Julian out grew it so I hope Emma does to eventually.

Emma is so talkative these days, she is going to be a little chatterbox!!! She fills our home with so much love and laughter. She still makes those facial expressions that resemble Sami's and I love it. I get sad knowing I missed so much of this with Sami. I know Sami is watching us from above and perhaps making Emma smile.

Love

2011-07-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

Julian is the only person who speaks of Sami all the time and I love it. He loves his sister's. We went camping last weekend and as we drove onto the beach he remembered her name written on the sand. He kept saying "like Sami mommy" he is seriously so adorable. I have even heard him tell Emma something about her like he was trying to tell her something about her sister.
When Sami passed one of her nurses gave us a pink teddy bear with wings. Julian never plays with it because he knows it is for Sami but for some reason last night he wanted to hold the bear. He kept saying her name but I couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me about her. Anyhow, he fell asleep with his monkey friend and the bear. When I walked into the room this is how I found him, I just had to take a picture of this.

How sweet is this?

Emma is so blessed to have big brother like Julian. Sami may not be here with us but she is never far from our thoughts and always lives in our hearts and Emma will definitely know about her big sister.

We baptized Emma a few weeks ago and of course Sami bear joined us.

I loved that our priest included Sami in our ceremony. To me when anyone mentions her name I just instantly smile. It doesn't cause any sadness in my heart that is for sure. When it happens it just validates that she was real and existed even if it was for a short while.

Monday blues

2011-06-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

Sami at Emma's baptism

I woke up today with such a huge void in my heart, I miss her. I miss her so much and I find myself wondering what she would be doing today even though I normally don't allow myself to do that. 20 months have gone by since I held her, smelled her and felt her breath on me. So much has changed in my life for the better of course but still there is a void within me. Emma has filled my life with so much joy and happiness, I smile more because of her and I love her more because of Sami. I am a different mom now compared to when Julian was little. I guess you can say I do not take anything for granted. Emma is what most people would consider spoiled but I don't. Emma is a different child, only a parent with a rainbow baby would understand what I am trying to say. Every breath she takes I soke it in because I am in constant fear that she will also be taken from me. I hate that every little thing that I notice different on her freaks me out and I think that she is going to get sick. It is kind of morbid and I HATE it. I wish I didn't have to live this way but on a positive note I love my kids more than ever. With Julian, I hold him extra tight and tell him I love him a hundred times a day because you just never know.

How I wish she was here running around while I try to tend to Emma thinking to myself that I am crazy for having my kids so close in age. Days like today I have tell myself that she is safe in God's arms and with Marie who is taking the best care of her. One day I will hold her again and see her precious face.

Sami visits

2011-06-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

I have been horrible at keeping up with this blog lately : ( I have had a few visits from Sami but haven't had the chance to write about them.

When Emma was only 1 week old her and I were in the living room and I guess we both dozed off when we were both awaken by the sound of the softest music. I even had to get up and look around for what I thought was a toy or like a mobile for a crib! It was insane, I thought I was going crazy but we heard it because we both woke up at the same time but she peacefully when back to sleep. I just started crying because something like that had never happened to me and more so because I knew it was Sami. I had such a warm feeling come over me. I wish I could experience that feeling more often. Then later that week Julian was playing in his room when he ran into our room with a frantic look on his face and I asked what happened then he was calm again, he said "there was an angel in my room" I said "what do you mean an angel?" He again said "an angel on my pillow and SHE was walking like this" (arching his arms out and moving them as if there were feathers while walking slowly) my husband came out of the restroom and started to ask him if he was scared and he said "no daddy, I not scared" then he went on to talk about Sami and Papa Jesus of course at this point we were both in tears. Twice in one week how amazing

Sunday at my mom's once again the butterfly was flying by me. It is weird that it is always at my mom's house where I spent my last weeks of her pregnancy there. I know I have posted a picture (another visit) before of this little butterfly but here it was once again looking so beautiful.

This was when I got to my mom's in the morning

Then again in the afternoon!

It's been so long

2011-05-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted but I have been busy and tired. I am now adjusting to my new routine with a new baby. Julian continues to be amazing and only once he called Emma Sami. It pulled at my heart but I nicely corrected him and he sweetly said "sorry Emma". My husband and I are afraid of doing that especially once she is older. There is a particular face she makes that makes her look just like Sami. It has made me cry plenty of times. The baby blues are going away and I am glad because I was tired of crying for no reason. I would see her and just start balling. Having this little girl is such a blessing that I cannot say thank you enough to the Lord above.

I am so sad that I never had the chance to hold and kiss Sami all the time like I can with Emma but I know I will one day. There is no doubt in my mind that she is waiting for me. Everyday that passes I am thankful that I got another day with Julian and Emma and at the same time thankful that I am one day closer to Sami.

There is a hungry little one calling out for me so this is a short one but so far in 2 weeks she has grown an inch and has gained 13 oz... Not bad at all if I say so myself.

May 6, 2011

2011-05-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry I wasn't able to post anything but Friday was a busy day for us. My day started early as we had to get Julian to mom's early enough for me to give him lots of extra hugs and kisses and it worked because he knew something was happening. He didn't cry and he held me extra tight when he hugged me. It was hard not cry in front of him. I was already nervous and anxious to get to the hospital. We arrived at 9am and I checked myself in, not how I imagined Emma's birth to be but it all worked out.
I was trying not to shake and control my emotions because the last I was there well it was a whole lot different. I was sent to room 206, how I wanted room 212 so bad. I wanted to feel her presence in there like the last time but I knew that no matter what room I would be Sami would be there with me. I was contracting on my own and I believe still at 2 cm so we just waited. We had a wonderful nurse with such a happy personality, she is what I needed at that moment. Around 1pm or nothing really changed so I was given some pill, sorry can't remember the name. It is just to help thin out the cervix if I am correct. Then we walked and walked some more. I walked passed room 212 and couldn't help but cry, it was just instant tears. I wanted to knock on the door just to peek in there but of course I didn't.

Around 4pm, I was at 3cm and pitocin was started. The contractions were getting stronger but nothing to make me feel to uncomfortable. I was still smiling and laughing wishing I could sleep but I just can't nap for the life of me.

As you can tell it wasn't bad at this point

Around 8pm or so I noticed the contractions were slowing down and more spaced apart so I kind of started to worry. I believe at this point I was 6cm. Forgot to mention 7pm nurse shift change... I got my favorite nurses who were with me when Sami was born. I think Sami knew how well they would take care of and Emma and had it worked because what are the chances that they both would be working? AMAZING!!!

Anyhow at this point I was debating on having an epidural or not since the contractions were strong but spaced apart but I didn't want not have the option. Around 9 I started to notice a spike in the contractions and asked for the epidural. It was a quick change because I was no longer smiling by this point. Angie (nurse) said I was going to go really quick so she called in for a delivery cart and here I was thinking I still had a few hours to go! I got my epidural, then my doctor came to check me and the by 10:15 I was pushing. It was HARD, Emma was sunny side up and doing a number on my back. I had to be given an episiotomy (ouch). I felt more tugging than ever while having a child. The NICU team had to be called because Emma's heart rate kept dropping. My husband and I were terrified and I was trying to concentrate on getting her out as soon as possible. I felt like I would be pushing for hours like with Julian but thankfully although still a while at 11:35 pm Emma Elliana came into this world. Weighing 7 lbs 11 oz 19 in. NICU checked her out first and gave a clean bill of health. THANK YOU LORD. While pushing I kept asking, God, Sami and Marie to give me the strength to do so because I felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

Daddy cutting the cord

Nurse Cheryl

My glow worm

Priceless moment

I feel bad that I was in so much pain after that I didn't get to enjoy the first few hours of her arrival. It makes me feel like such a bad mom because I had been dreaming of that moment forever but again her labor was short but it was hard. Her labor took a toll on my body. I am not sure what was causing my pain, my uterus was really hard and I don't know what happened. All I know is that I was given morphine and something else, I was still screaming in pain. I didn't even do that while pushing. Once I was taken to my post partum room it was really intense and morphine was given to me again. It was bad, it wasn't until about 8am that I finally started to feel OK. I finally got to enjoy my little one and stare into her eyes (I can't keep my off of them now). Having her is such a wonderful feeling and I see Sami in her yet she has her own look which I love. It has been a roller coaster of emotions that I can't really put into words at the moment. I am blessed and I feel the love from up above. Here are more photos I wanted to share.

Julian meeting her for the first time

Matching booties like her big sister Sami and rainbow pants

Getting ready to go home

Daddy getting her all set to go with his daddy of an angel bracelet for Sami

I got my wish

May 6, 2011

2011-05-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow on my due date I will be induced. Pray that everything goes well and that I get to finally come home with a baby in my arms hopefully on Mother's day! Today I had an NST done and she passed with flying colors. This week we have spent so much time bonding with Julian as his world is going to change so much. My son knows something is happening. Today he told me he doesn't want Emma to come because the doctor is going to hurt my tummy! I just love that little boy so much.

Last night I had a dream that I desperately needed this week... Marie was coming back to us and she seemed really tired and kind of not ready to face our world again but she did however stop to tell me about Sami. She said that she is very spoiled because Marie always had her in her arms, Sami laughs a lot and is a very happy little girl. She also said she always has on the prettiest dresses. I woke up and had a long good cry, I mean one where I couldn't catch my breath. It has been such a long road and as much as I want and need Sami here, I love knowing that she is happy in heaven. Knowing that Marie is holding her close just makes me so happy. I know they are both together and are both so happy. God is great and heaven is really real just like the book.

I will try to have someone update for me on miss Emma's arrival. Pray all goes well.
For now I leave you pictures from this week.

To many things around for Julian, lol.

Sami's brick with a Toy Story balloon

Real soon my belly will be gone

Julian with his HAPPY face

18 months

2011-04-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

Has it really been 18 months since I had Sami? Where has the time gone? She should be making a mess of my house by taking things apart and trying to put them back together or she should be trying to copy what i do more. Makes me sad that I do not get to experience those milestones with her. I was telling my husband last night how our lives be so different had we had her and being pregnant with Emma. He said I would drive him crazy since he knows everything annoys me right now, lol. As of today I am more than ready to have Emma, my body is beyond exhausted. Emotionally, I am all over the place. I think having another baby girl is really getting to me. Emma will never replace Sami but seeing all her clothes hanging makes me think of Sami even more and what I missed with her. I am super excited to be a mom to another baby girl but I am so scared. I don't ever want to make Emma feel like if it wasn't for Sami's passing that she wouldn't be here because that is so not the case. Thinking about that makes me cry because I love my kids so much and I never want to make them feel anything other than pure love from me. I know one day I will hold Sami again but the selfish part of me wants that now. I want to hear her baby babble and her adorable laugh, I just want her here with me.

Baby update: I went to the Dr yesterday and he said if she isn't here by the 3rd he will induce me. That made my day since that day is my birthday. What a special gift that would be right? I wonder how overwhelmed I will be once Emma is placed on my chest after delivery. I have never had the normal experience like I have mentioned before so this being my third will bring on so many new experiences for me, I can't wait for it! Our bags are packed and I am ready. I hope she comes on her own because I really don't want to be induced but we shall see what happens in the next few days.

I will leave you with a family picture from Easter Sunday.

I love how Julian holds Sami!

Take a guess

2011-04-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

Just for fun since my due date is so close....

Guess Emma's Birthdate

I am feeling ver ready to have this baby now. I am still scared out of mind because I live in a world now where babies die. I wish I didn't have to sound so morbid but it's something I have to live with everyday. I try not to think of everything that can go wrong but sometimes that is just not possible. I will be able to breathe normally once she is here healthy and safe in my arms. I think it is going to be so weird to have a baby in my room right after birth that is healthy. Weird that this is my 3rd and have not had that experience, so please pray that I get to experience this once she is born.

Today I went to the doctor and he said any moment now, I have started to dialate so we shall see when she will arrive. I guess I should start getting my bag ready just in case right? I remember packing my bag after my water broke at home with Sami (not fun). I was exactly 38 weeks pregnant with her when she was born, tomorrow I will be 38 weeks with Emma. Now it's just a waiting game. I hope to be able to post soon that she has arrived.

Don't forget to take a guess, a little prize will be in store for the winner.

Where I am today

2011-04-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a while to get to read post and actually write one. Being home I have not had a chance to relax or sit for a second. Julian has me busy, rearranging everything at home and cleaning up has had me exhausted but I know it will all be worth it. My body is tired, the last weeks of pregnancy are hard. I ache pretty much everywhere but I will do it again, I love being a mommy. My belly is huge and I bump it everywhere these days (sorry Emma). Emotionally I have been a little bad. I miss Sami more and more as the birth of Emma gets closer. I find myself wondering more and more who she would be like or how she would be at almost 18 months old. I have much happier days now but that pain is still so present in my heart. Just when I think I am used it to it creeps back like it was just yesterday.
Hopefully I will have more time on my hands by the end of the week to keep everyone up to date with my life. I feel so lost when I am not reading blogs or writing a little something. Hope everyone is well ((HUGS)).

Almost at the finish line

2011-04-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it, almost at the finish line. I can see it ahead of me and I am so excited. In a few weeks I will once again be blessed by giving birth to a beautiful baby. I keep telling myself that because I can't imagine how much my life is going to change once again. From this I am going to learn and grow so much more, looking forward to it. This will be my last week at work and I couldn't be happier. I am so exhausted and I want to be home to get my house ready (still haven't done anything from my last post).
Julian is getting more and more excited, not a day goes by that he doesn't hug and kiss my belly. I think he must of had a dream of her or something because he woke up one day pretending to cry like Emma and telling me that he is going to give her a bottle and pacifier to make her stop, lol. He has no idea how much his life is going to change but I am sure he is going to be the best big brother ever. He still mentions Sami and hugs her blanket all the time especially at night. It brings comfort to him like it does to me. I miss her, I miss her more than I show but I try to not let my hurt stop me from smiling. I often wonder how I am going to react when Emma arrives. I wonder if she is going to resemble Sami in some ways, in a way I hope not because I feel like it will be harder for me. I know Emma will help me with my healing process although I will never be completely healed.

Wish me luck

2011-03-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have been so lazy to write lately and I feel like I have left out so much of what I have been feeling lately. Last night for no reason at all I was just so emotional. I sat in my living room and just cried staring at Sami’s pictures. I miss her so much. In a few weeks I will have a healthy baby in my arms but Emma isn’t Sami and she will never take her place. I always play back the moments that we had with Sami and I can’t believe it happened to us. Most people are so fortunate to never be in our place. Having to watch your baby take her last breath, seeing the color of her skin change and the worst having some strangers take her away from your arms. I wish I could sometimes block some of those moments from my life but that means I would be forgetting her and the good and bad times I had with her. This just sucks!

Emma will be here in a matter of weeks and I am terrified. I want to experience her homecoming like most “normal” moms. I want to believe that her birth will be something I have been dreaming of all my life. With Julian he had a rough start so I walked out without a baby in my arms. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t! I had a great pregnancy with him but a horrible labor, one that almost cost him his life. My son was blue and not crying, not what I had expected at all. With Sami I obviously walked out with empty arms again so Emma has to come home with me. I don’t want a NICU stay no matter how short it may be. I am jealous of other moms and just want a normal birth experience this time. Sami, if you are listening can you please put in a good word for your baby sister and I?

This weekend we picked up Emma’s crib, exciting for most terrifying to me. It is still in the box in my garage, will be it ready before she arrives we shall see. Besides some of Emma’s clothes being washed there is no sign of a baby coming home in my house. That is so not like me. I told my husband this weekend was going to be the weekend that we start getting ready but he has to be out of town for work so that will not happen. I want to change rooms around and I can’t do any of the heavy lifting. Hopefully I will be able to somewhat start. I am almost 35 weeks so I need to get my butt in gear! Does anyone want to volunteer and get my home ready? Lol, it will be done eventually. Oh yeah when we picked up the crib we bought a custom bear for a boy and bunny for a girl to give to mothers with empty arms when we go deliver Emma. I am excited to put something those care packages together. It will be my thank you to the wonderful hospital where I will deliver at. Like I said by Sami’s birthday I plan to have more.

Wish me luck with getting my home ready for Emma!!!

♥ I am so blessed ♥

2011-03-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

I had my baby shower this past Saturday. I was exhausted but I felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who cares for me and baby Emma. Emotionally I was all over the place all day. At times I wanted to just laugh and other times just cry. It was so weird to be honest because I didn't know what I felt. Even now I am still trying to process it all. In a few weeks there is going to be a baby girl in my arms.
Right now my living room is full of Emma's things and I just can't wrap my heart around the fact that this is really happening to me. I have nothing ready for her, I am glad I didn't go crazy and buy her all kinds of things because I wouldn't know where to put it all. We received so many things for her including a bib that says "I ♥ my big sister" that I just adore and it made me want to cry. Julian is getting more and more excited for her arrival, he just loves her. It is so sweet because he hugs and kisses my belly all the time but he mentions Sami being in his heart. I am so glad he is getting another chance at being a big brother. I know they are going to drive me crazy but I am really looking forward to it. Part of me feels like I am a new mom all over again. Maybe because Emma is a girl? I am used to boy things now.

This pregnancy is going by so fast as much as I want her here I want time to slow down because part of me feels so unprepared. I can't wait to go on maternity leave so I can be home and really get my home prepared for her. How my life is going to change again in a matter of weeks!! Here are some photos of our special Emma day!

Our Shower

A Different Child poem

Our rainbow cake

Centerpieces with Butterlfies remembering Sami

So many gifts!

Already spoiled by her God parents!

My friend went crazy on her gift!

I just love this!!!!

Where is the time going?

2011-03-09T10:07:00.000-08:00

Are we already into the second week of March? It doesn't seem real to me. First I would like to congratulate all the mommas who have had their rainbows. A few hick ups along the road but none the less they have arrived. Sending extra prayers for baby Carter who hopefully has a short stay in the NICU and for Kristin as she recovers from the birth of her twins.

I can't believe it's been so long since I have last posted. All is well with me besides the usual emotional roller coaster. I supposed my emotions are enhanced by this pregnancy. Almost 32 weeks now but I feel like I am already 40. Feeling blessed to have this little wiggle away but I would be lying if I said it has not taken a toll on my body. I am exhausted and chasing after Julian I am ready to hold this little girl. I am scared to death and as the weeks pass me buy my anxiety increases. How am I going to take care of this little being? I know I have some experience under my belt but still, I am terrified. I want to be so happy and excited like most mom's but I can't. I just can't because I know that at any point complications can arise. Not that I am thinking negative thoughts or that I don't have faith! Please don't say that to me, faith is all I have to get me through.
This weekend is my baby shower, I am scared. Not because I am going to jinx it but scared because I feel like people are going to not remember Sami. I want this for Emma, she deserves to be celebrated because her life is everything to me but Sami's life is too. I just feel so cheated because I never got to experience this stuff with her. How is possible to always feel happy and sad at the same time? Those emotions are always together now and I can't separate them. I am one of those girls now that can laugh hysterically and be crying at the same time. I do this quite often, sometimes I think I am really crazy. My husband keeps me grounded and I am so thankful for that. He really understands me without having show his emotions like me. It must be so hard to be a grieving man. I will have to post about that later. For now I will leave you with some pictures that were taken this past weekend.

Julian giving Emma kisses

The cord in front of her, kind of scares me

Missing Marie

2011-02-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

It seems like it was just yesterday that I heard her voice but it really hasn't. A whole year has gone by without her. Writing this the tears are flowing because this wasn't supposed to happen. Last year I was asking for prayers and a miracle but God had other plans. Marie was not meant to finish her life here with us. We are having her a mass and a lunch to celebrate her beautiful life but it is not the way we ever anticipated her celebration. Not a single moment goes by that I don't think of her. The only comfort I have is knowing that she is taking care of Sami for me. I know Sami isn't alone and I love knowing that. That was just Marie, taking care of everyone first.
I replay the 19th and 20th of February in my head all the time even though I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could block it out so I wouldn't hurt so much. This past year watching my brother and his kids learn to live a new life without her has been hard. He is doing such a great job but what choice does he have really? It is like me being a loss mom, I don't have a choice I just roll with it. I see him and he just looks so empty all the time. That was his best friend for so many years, they truly loved each other. Their story was just so perfect, high school sweethearts. I wish I had an answer for why she had to leave so soon. So many of us are just taken back by her loss. My family is different because she is missing. Sami was the first to leave us and that rocked us to the core and a short 4 months later Marie. It was just so sudden, none of us were prepared for that fateful day.
I miss her so badly, I miss her voice and I hate the fact that she is not going to be here to share in Emma's life.
Recently I was going through some papers and I found a card she gave me while I was pregnant with Sami. Here is what is said....

Amazing right? She is my guardian angel, she said it herself.

My niece started a blog (my mom, my superhero) a few months back, she doesn't write often but I like knowing that she is somehow expressing her feelings about the passing of her mom. If you get a chance stop on by and let her know that you are praying for her. She has been through so much this year. I don't think the days without Marie get any easier.

I miss her but I love knowing that Sami is with her. Sami is in the best care possible. My guardian angel is watching her for me until we all meet again. I can't wait for that reunion. As look back and remember Marie I realize how great she was, she did so many unselfish things for everyone. She was an angel even here on earth.
Marie, I love you and miss you so much. When I dream of you, you always look so happy and radiant. Thank you for letting me know that you are well and you haven't forgotten me. It fills my heart with peace.

Marie playing with Julian

Looking beautiful as ever here.

Hope

2011-02-18T14:25:00.000-08:00

I wanted to get an early start on this post. The wonderful Franchesca from Small Bird Studios has come up with a great idea for the 19th of every month. The point of this is HOPE!!! To encourage one and other in some way. It gives us all a chance to share our stories of encouragement. She is calling it Small Miracles. I think the title speaks for itself. Once we loose someone we put our faith in hopes of finding peace or something that will bring us comfort. I know so many of these woman (especially Fran) have brought my heart hope for a better tomorrow.

Hope means to wish for something with expectation of it's fulfillment. I really do hope her dream is fulfilled and we continue this and grow from the grief that lies within our hearts. I know I have grown in the past 16 months so much. I thought it wasn't possible to feel this way. Today I can smile without feeling guilty. I know no matter how much times passes that Sami will always be near me. I gave up on looking for signs from her but when I really need it she sends them my way. It could be from a comment from Julian or a butterfly crossing my path. I know in my heart she is there. Sometimes a simple breeze can make me feel like she is near. It is moments like that that give me hope. It is all I have to get me through sometimes. Looking back to where I was to now gives me confidence that my life is continuing in a positive way. I am living my life and embracing it no matter what challenges have be brought to me.

Holding Sami and telling her that I love her

This day I felt like I couldn't breathe. A piece of me was taken with her as she took her last breath. I was so happy to be holding her but so heart broken knowing that would be the last time.

27 weeks with Emma

Here I am now with my husband with a broken heart but with hope for a better tomorrow. Embracing the gift that God has blessed us with once again.

For some of you who are early on your journey of grief and you feel like you can't catch your breath trust in yourself and know that you will be able to some day. You will find yourself wondering how you made it this far without falling apart literally. I hope many of you join in on this, it doesn't have to be this month or the next just whenever you feel ready.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

I want to wish you each one of you a Happy Valentine's Day.

May it bring you more love than ever. I know for many this is just another day but I hope at some point in the day so are filled with warmth in your heart. For all of you on this loss journey days like today are not easy. Thinking of you all of your and your sweet babies.

Today I am home with Julian, he woke up with the stomach flu so not so much of a fun day for me. he is taking a nap at the moment so I got a little break. This past weekend we took Julian and Sami to take pictures. Julian did not like it at first but then he got into it, thank goodness because we got some really cute pictures. I was not going to take Sami with us but I just couldn't leave her home. My valentine's gift wouldn't be complete without her there with Julian. The girl taking the pictures must of thought I was a little off by wanting Julian to take pictures with a pink bear but she just put two and two together and her demeanor changed. She was so kind and gentle that it made me want to cry. I miss her and I wish she was here. I have been so emotional lately. Not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones or what.

I will leave you with some pictures of my love's.

Sami

He loves her so much

My handsome Julian

My favorite!

♥Love♥

2011-02-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

I have been asked to be a part of this special celebration of love by Mattie. You can click here Beauty will Rise or you can also click on the button to the left of my blog. She doing giveaways this month so stop on over to her blog.Thank you Mattie for thinking of me!

What is love? Wow, that is a hard question to answer because love is such a complex emotion. Love is blissful, naive, exciting and it is painful in a sense along with many other things. I would like to think that we all have felt that spark of love that shoots down to the very core of us because of someone’s touch. Sometimes love can make us naive because we are afraid of letting go. Love is exciting because it is comes in all kinds of ways. Pain because we love so much that is hard to be apart from a person, like a child crying for their parent or a parent crying for their child.

In my lifetime I have been so blessed to be surrounded by love. I love to love and I love to receive it. I am spoiled because I have so much of it in my life. I come from a HUGE family (I am the baby of 10) and I know that both of my parents, my brother’s and sister love me in their own unique way. No love is the same and I completely understand that emotion. Love can go unspoken for a length of time but we still know that at the end of the day it is still there, how amazing is that? It is not always fun like when we do something that would not be beneficial to us and we get that stern talking to from a worried parent but it is OK because we learn from it. Love makes is grow into different people. If it was not for the love that my family has shown me I do not think I would be able to love as freely as I do.

As a wife and mother have come to know and see love in a completely different way, again making it so exciting for me. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, he is my best friend. I love him so much and I cannot imagine my life without him. Through the years the love we have for each other has gotten so much stronger and it is much more intense. I would say that our children had a little something to do with that. Watching him learn how to parent has been amazing, he so good at it. Of course there are times when I have to roll my eyes about something but I know he does the same about me. We have been faced with the challenge of being parents to a child in heaven and it does not seem fair in our young lives but through it all our love prevails and we keep moving forward one day at a time hand in hand. If it was not for his love and support I would be so lost. Now the moment Julian entered my life I really understood what they meant about true love. It was instant even before I held him in my arms. That tiny little being just rocked my world. Now that he is getting a little bit older his "mommy, I love you's" just make me feel like I am floating on cloud nine. Sami took my love one step further even though I thought that was not possible. I wish things were different but for some reason she was only meant to be here briefly in our lives. I know my precious Sami whispers her "love you's" to me too and that just warms my heart. Soon enough little Emma will be here and show me once again that my love can stretch way more.

I hope every single person has the type of love that goes on and on. It is the best feeling in the world.

Dreams

2011-01-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

Why can't I have normal dreams? My dreams are pretty wacky especially being pregnant but last night my dream was horrible. Why can't death escape me in my sleep? I had this horrible dream that we had a precious baby boy with the lightest skin color. The doctors told me he wasn't able to eat or breathe well so he was going to die. They didn't want to do anything to help my husband and I, we were desperate to save this little being. Julian was with us crying for the baby and here I was trying to save my other from pain. I felt so torn and desperate. The appeared to no longer be breathing and my husband held him and was crying so loud but then the baby awoke and looked at us with this look that I can't describe. I know this little being was going to another place by that look but it just left me broken. I felt the pain like I did when I had just learned of Sami's passing but this time I wasn't at peace with it. I felt so horrible that no one wanted to help him or us. We were so alone and scared. I don't think I have been OK with waking up so early but I was glad that I woke up and seeing Julian sleeping peacefully and my husband getting ready for work. I was just a really bad dream, a dream I never want to have again.
This has me thinking about the desperation we feel as parents when we can't save our children. I know that what happened to Sami was beyond my control but I can't help feeling guilty at times that perhaps it was my body that failed her and Faith. My body should have been able to split them and made both whole but it didn't. I hate that there was nothing I could have done.
I think I had this horrible dream because I was watching TV and watched part of a show (don't remember the channel) but it was about a boy in India that was born with extra limbs. His mother said that when he was first born she didn't want to hold him because she was afraid. Just found something online about him, see here. They were getting a lot of attention from people that made them really uncomfortable so they asked for help. Thankfully the boy was able to have the limbs removed and he is doing well now. The thing that got to me the most was the fact that they kept saying "parasitic twin"----A parasitic twin occurs when a twin embryo begins to develop in the mother but, ultimately, does not separate. This results in a semi-formed twin adjoined to the body of the developed twin. I know what they mean by it but it still bothers me because that was me, I had parasitic twins but never seen them that way. In my mind it seems like they are saying parasite or something and it gets me mad. Faith was no parasite in my eyes and even if they would have looked different my love wouldn't be any different.
Sorry about this rambling post of mine.
I hope I have a nicer dream tonight so that I don't have to relieve that pain and desperation again. Have a great weekend everyone.

Has it really been...

2011-01-24T11:01:00.000-08:00

Has it really been 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks since Sami was in my arms? I hate that time continues and days like today I am stuck. I am stuck with what should have been. I don't like to go there, I like to just see each day as a day closer to being reunited with her.

I miss her with every inch of my soul. I know she is safe, I know that she is taken care of better than I ever could have but I hate that I didn't get a chance to find that out for myself. I hate that I didn't have the chance to be up at night with a crying baby. In a matter of weeks God will bless me again with an opportunity however Emma isn't Sami. I hate that I feel guilty that Sami never had the chance to know me as a her mom. I feel guilty that Emma will be looked at by many as a replacement and she isn't.
Last night while putting on Julian's pj's he was playing and trying to get away from me, while he accidentally gave me a good kick in the belly. I froze, I just froze I couldn't help but think that Emma could be taken from me (thankfully she was kicking away after). I stood there Julian knew what he did and he said "sorry mommy, sorry Sami" but in a second he corrected himself and said "sorry Emma" he kept kissing my belly and he kept talking to her. I knew he felt really bad because he even went to tell my husband what he did. I hate that my 3 year is also scared. He is way to small to know about death. I am just heart broken right. This void in my heart is just so overwhelming at times.

Sami, sweetheart I miss you, I love you and I wish that you were here with me. Please continue to visit Julian, I just love how he feels you so close all the time. It brings peace to my heart. Do you hear him every time he says that you live in heart? It pains me to hear him say that but it's true, you will continue live in our hearts always.

New year, new look

2011-01-18T14:51:00.000-08:00

I am still hopeful that this year is going to be bring great things even though there are some stresses in my life that I could be without right now but I am not going to dwell on them at the moment. It is what is!
So how do you look my new blog look? Thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio for once again working so hard to create this beautiful design. She just keeps on amazing me.

So do you guys resolutions that you are sticking with or already gave up on? I did not make any resolutions this year but I am determined to be a better person. It seems like the past 2 years I have not been myself for obvious reasons. I kind miss me, the old me will never be but I would like to find myself again. I am tired of just living day to day. I want to be hopeful for the future like I once used to be. I guess I am off to a great start because I have allowed myself to enjoy this pregnancy and embrace every second of it without always having to worry if she is going to be ok or not. Step one was buying the crib and little by little I get things here and there. So many people have already gotten her things, she is so spoiled this girl! I am trying to work on my feelings of guilt since I wasn't able to do these things when I was pregnant with Sami. It is still hard but I tell myself this is how God planned my life and I will just run with it. He knows how it will all end and until then I will just continue embracing this life of mine. Sami is never far from my thoughts and my heart. Not one second goes by that I do not think of her. Being a mom to a child here on earth and in heaven is hard work.

The Wishing Tree

2011-01-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

So excited that Sami's name was added to the The Wishing Tree. I think this is such a great idea and it so simple too. I tell you some people are just so creative! I love seeing Sami's name everywhere, it just warms my heart to the core. If you would like to have your baby's name added stop by the site and make a request. She is so quick to respond.
Wishing everyone a good weekend!

A gift of a lifetime

2011-01-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

I have not given a proper mention to Laura Huene from String of Pearls as I should have. So I want to start off by saying thank you to her because she has been such a beautiful person to me on this crazy journey that I have been on. I seriously admire her so much and I want to be able to reach out and help others as she has done in the past and continues to do so now. Laura, if you are reading this I just want you to know how much I appreciate your support and your kind words. You are truly a remarkable woman!!!

She sent me a beautiful package (can't find the pictures of it) while I was pregnant with Sami filled with goodies that I cherish so much such as this ornament that is my favorite.

Last year for Christmas she sent me gift card so that I could a doll for Sami. Not sure why it took me so long to do it but I finally did this year and I love it.

Baby Be Blessed Dolls

With all that she has done for me she also allowed me and family to be part of a special project she was part of through Focus on the Family. They are providing brochures that will be distributed throughout hospitals everywhere. We were chosen to share our pictures along with other families that have lost their precious baby's. Laura of course was included, I just love her pictures. You can view the brochure here, I have to find a way to get my doctor's to have these on hand. They are so beautifully made.

GIFT OF A LIFETIME.

I always sit here and think that I need to be doing something and of course I can't think of any one thing because there are many ways to help a bereaved parent but something like this just makes me want to really get something going. I admire so many BLM that help and do things to our precious babes that I am inspired to do something in honor of Sami. Hopefully by her next birthday I will have something going. I tell you 2011 is going to be a better year for me and my husband. I wish that for all of you too!

Hello 2011

2011-01-03T15:26:00.000-08:00

I was so excited for 2010 to be over. 2011 will be better than the last two years of my life. We have a new little one growing and growing in my belly, I love it. She is moving so much more now, I can't seem to get enough of it. Yesterday with no intentions of buying furniture we ended up buying Emma's crib. I was scared to make such a purchase because there is always that "what if" in the back of my mind but I can't continue to be that way. Finally 22 weeks and I can say with confidence "she IS going to come home." I am excited about this new confidence I have. I felt so guilty feeling like I wasn't able to share my happiness with this pregnancy because the fear I have deep down inside. 2011 is going to be a new chapter in my life.

Us with Sami in my heart and Emma in my belly

Sometimes I feel so sad that I didn't get the chance to buy things for Sami while I was pregnant with her but I try not to think of that as much. I know that Emma will never replace her, people can think that I am healed but I am far from it. I still cry and often, I miss her so much. I am sad that I never had the chance to really be her mommy and show her how much love I had to offer. There will always be a void in my heart.

Sami, mommy loves you. Do you still hear Julian talking about you all the time? He misses you too sweetheart. Please continue to help your baby sister grow and grow. I can't wait to tell her all about you.

Me at 22 weeks

Having a GOOD day!

2010-12-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

Emma's heart is healthy and strong. I am so darn happy right now. I am not sure why but I am having a hard time uploading her photos since I am here at work. I will scan once I get home so I can share her precious face with you guys. She lookes like Julian so far!!!

Thank you everyone for the thoughts and prayers, it meant so much to me. Can't wait to see her again next month. Hopefully her belly will continue to look perfect too.

PHOTO UPDATE (not clear but just to excited not to share)

Christmas recap

2010-12-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

Christmas was pretty terrible this year. Much harder than last year for me perhaps because I am numb like last year. I really miss my little girl, darn it!!! Marie not being here was terrible too. Christmas eve my mom wasn't feeling well at all by late evening my sister decided to take her to the E.R. Glad they went because my mom would have never felt better had she not gone. She spend Christmas day there as well. We all decided we would open gifts once she was out, the kids didn't mind. They wanted their abuelita (grandma) home. She came home Sunday afternoon. Tomorrow she will go in to see a specialist, praying they figure out what is going on with her quickly.

Christmas eve we attended the children's mass, I always love going to that one. Standing room only but it's worth it. We decided to take Sami with us, so glad I did because I would have felt weird not taking her. I had to fight back my tears many times because I just didn't want to fall apart. Here are a few pictures...

The priest always calls the children to the front alter with him

Daddy, Julian and Sami outside of church

Add caption

Us at my mom's house. Julian didn't want anymore pictures.

Please pray for me tomorrow morning, I have an echo for little Emma's heart. Praying all is well. The other day at the U/S Dr. H mentioned she seen 5 chambers but then quickly said 4. I know she told me they would schedule an echo for later in the pregnancy just to be safe however the next morning they called me first thing to have me come in tomorrow morning to see the fetal cardiologist. I know they are just taking every pro caution possible so I am trying not to stress myself out. I am just being hopeful and I have been praying that all is well. I will hopefully be on here tomorrow posting good news.

Christmas stuff

2010-12-23T12:09:00.000-08:00

I have been so bad about posting lately. First I want to THANK EVERYONE who mailed a Christmas to us. It touches my heart so much. Sami has gotten more cards than us, I love it!!! I have not mailed out a single card this year to close family and friends. I have been so bad, better yet I have not even started my shopping! Umm it's the 23rd I know... It will get done eventually.

Sarita from One perfect Rose, sent me the most beautiful ornaments for Sami and Faith, there are two of these. I will cherish them forever.

Then for the ornament gift exhange I received this beautiful dragonfly that was made by Jessica. She doesn't have a blog but she is thinking of opening up her own Etsy store. I told her she should, if anyone is interesting in getting one for their angel let me know and I will give you her info.

I was also part of a gift exchange and I received the prettiest pink bracelet with Sami's initials on it. I have to take a better photo to share with you. Liseth doesn't have a blog but her and I have become new friends and I am so glad our paths have crossed.

Last but not least Katy from Delivering Hope for Hannah sent me this beautiful ornament for Sami's birthday.

This year of course my tree had to be pink again for Sami so here a few pictures I want to share with you.
This is Julian possing by the tree before going to a charity rodeo with his daddy this past weekend. He is such ham.

MY FAVORITE ORNAMENT

Had to add one for Marie

I want to wish everyone a peaceful Christmas. I know for many of you it is your first without your precious baby(s), please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

Missing her

2010-12-15T14:18:00.000-08:00

Last year during the holidays I managed to get through them. I even mailed out Christmas cards but now looking back I was still in a daze. It had only been 2 months since Sami grew her wings so I guess I was still in a state of shock. This year getting into the holidays has been hard. I decorated my house because Julian is so into it this year. He is finally able to really understand the magic behind the holidays. I wish I still was able to see that. This year I am hurting, I miss my little girl so much. Last night I was uploading Julian’s Santa video on my laptop and noticed Sami’s video was still on there. I had to watch it again and of course the water works came on. I have not shared that video with many people even though I should because it shows her alive, breathing our air. Gosh, she was just so beautiful. It has Julian’s first encounter with her, he was staring at her like “what is that?” so cute. I am not sure why I don’t have more video from that day but whatever I have I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

Why is it so hard for me to understand why this happened to me? I never imagined being here, missing my daughter. I suppose no one who has lost a child ever imagined this for themselves. It is so darn hard, I hate it. I was reading Kristin's blog earlier today and she wrote so many of the feelings I have towards grief, I just had to share because her writting I just love. The title speaks for itself "I hate grief." I hate that so many of have to walk through life feeling this way.

Santa would it be to much to ask for a moment with Sami? That is all I want even just a breif second.

Sami, please send me strength to get through these days without you. I miss you and love my little mama.

So darn emotional

2010-12-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

How do I calm my mind from thinking that the worse can happen at any moment with this pregnancy? I was really doing fine, I was happy and didn't let fear get to me but now it seems that it has gotten the best of me. I am scared! Lord knows that there is nothing more in this world I want than to bring this baby healthy into this world.
I still can't believe we are having another baby girl, since I was little I dreamt of being a mom to a little girl. I had the opportunity with Sami but my hopes and dreams were shattered. Now that it's happening again I am more scared that the chance will slip through my fingers again. I know, I know think positive well I have before and we all know how that ended. Having a baby after a loss is so darn emotional. Your happy, your sad, your hopeful and your fearful all at once. It is so exhausting for me!!!! I am tired, I wish I could just sleep through this pregnancy or be able to see into my belly to know that she is OK. I am so thankful for my heart doppler because I would go insane without it. Whenever I have any doubt I just put that little thing on my belly and listen to her heart. It is music to my ears, I just love that sound so much.

On the 21st I go to the specialist again and I am excited because I know I will get to see her again. My belly is getting pretty big but that is nothing new because I always get big belly's. With Sami it was ridiculously big but that was because I had poly. Last week my regular OB doc said I am measuring ahead so maybe she will decide to come sometime in April. I just pray she comes home to me. So far I have had nothing to be worried about but they haven't checked her heart yet so until I know that it's OK then maybe I will be able to relax a tiny bit.

In the last two weeks 3 mom's have lost their rainbows, please say a little prayer for them. I can't imagine how they feel.

Patches the bear

2010-12-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

I have been laging on blogging. Last week we were left out of town and getting everything ready always takes me forever. I did however have a visit from Patches the bear. It was a very nice surprise and he warmed my heart. The weather wasn't that great to we honestly didn't do much. He helped me decorate for Christmas. Julian LOVED Patches although he insisted that I remove his tag (I didn't of course), my son has a thing with tags.

Patches went to work with me.

Patches with Sami

Patches inside Sami's stocking

Patches on Sami's wall at my house

Getting kisses from Julian at Grandmas's house

Patches with a sleepy Julian on our way home from dinner

Now Patches is off to warm Tara's home. THANK YOU Patches for the lovely visit and sorry it took me so long to post about the sweet visit.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T13:31:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving it is going to be different. Second one I spend without Sami and now the first without Marie. It is starting to really hit how things are going to be so different during these holidays. Last year was seriously a blur to me. Marie always came with her ham and some other side dish and of course pies and always looked so pretty. She always had the girls dressed in their best. Why didn't I take more pictures of her? I miss her smile, her laugh and most of all just talking to her. Last year I remember sitting there with her on the verge of tears, she grabbed my hand and just made me feel better. She always did that and I miss that so much. I don't always talk to people about how much I seriously miss her because it just makes me want to fall apart and I hate crying in front of people.

When your heart aches it is so hard to look beyond that and see how blessed we really are. This thanksgiving I have many things to be thankful for even though my heart is grieving. A husband and son who love me without doubt and this little rainbow that is starting to let me know she is really here (loving her movements). My family who has shown me so much support and have really come together through our losses. Friends who have not let me fall and stand beside me all the time. It may be small but I have a place I can call home. A job that has been so good to me and has given me all the time I need. Last but not least everyone I have met through this blog who has helped me so much, all your kind words and gestures have really made me feel like I can and will get through this.

We are going away camping for the weekend and will not be checking in here so I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. For some of you it is the first big holiday without your precious baby, know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing all of you peace and joy, God bless!

So touched

2010-11-19T15:09:00.000-08:00

On Sami's birthday I received the sweetest letter from one of Sami's nurses. I have read that letter so many times and it still makes me cry. It really touched my heart. I asked her if I could share it and thankfully she said yes. Did I mention that I love my nurses? Cheryl and Angie will always hold a special place in my heart and as long as I can help it they will continue to be in my life. So if you both are reading this THANK YOU for being so wonderful, love you guys.

October 26, 2010

Dear Delgado Family-

Today marks the one-year anniversary to the day that we met. One year ago we were meeting under circumstances that were at the time stressful and full of anxiety. At the time we were both questioning what would the outcome really be and praying that this experience was exactly what you both had envisioned and prepared for. I remember that night, probably more than any other night I had experienced as a nurse. It was a Monday night and in the five years as a nurse I probably only worked a Monday night a handful of times because of my husbands work schedule. I remember dreading the drive in, thinking why did I schedule myself on this night, I can’t stand working Mondays probably because they are usually so busy and short staffed. I remember walking in to our mini shift meeting and seeing the patient board and to my surprise it was a rare slow night. I received my assignment on station two. I was working with two other nurses that night and there was only one patient there at the time and I was assigned to take her.
I had this patient for about 5 hours, which in those five hours I had been working so hard to manage her pain and get her settled with an epidural. I remember looking out at the station at the two other nurses that I was working with as they enjoyed their time without patients, just reading magazines and eating. At one point I walked back from getting ice chips for the patient and one of the nurses pulled me into another room. She told me I was getting a high-risk patient coming from triage. The assignment change was coming from our supervisor. I remember being so confused, why do I have to take another patient when I have been the only one working all night. Is my supervisor picking on me, I just did not understand. I gave report on my other patient and walked over to triage to talk to the nurse caring for the patient I would be receiving. Cheryl greeted me at the nurse’s desk, I could tell in her eyes that something was different about this patient. She handed me a pile of papers and said read. I remember Cheryl telling me, “Friend, I know you were the only one who had an assignment tonight, but this patient needs you and I was the one that had your assignment changed.” I looked down and I began to read the birth plan. The birth plan was probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read regarding the care of their unborn child. The details of how you wanted her to be pain free and got authorization to have pain meds given as needed, to having her baptized, and even just arranging a photographer there to capture those precious moments with her.
I felt so many emotions after reading everything. First, I felt honored that Cheryl thought so highly of my nursing care to choose me to care for you. Second, I questioned myself. How do I make this experience everything they envisioned? How do I fulfill their emotional needs? Am I going to be the caring and nurturing nurse that they had hoped for? How would I cope with this? I wanted it to be perfect, but I was so scared to let you down. I have taken care of many cases regarding infant loss and often left work feeling empty, questioning God and wondering why was this happening. Why? Why? Why? And of course no response was ever received. How can a beautiful, loving and deserving family experience such loss and grief? Little did I know that the answers to my questions would eventually be answered.
I remember getting the call from Cheryl that she was bringing you to your room, 212. I remember trying to place myself in your shoes and thinking how would I want my nurse to care of me if I was going through this experience. When we met I remember feeling so sad for you. I didn’t even know you but I wanted to just hug you and tell you how sorry I was. This was going to be one of the most difficult days in your life and you had complete strangers helping you along this journey. You must have been so scared.
After your epidural, you progressed so quickly and soon Sami was ready to come into this world. As the doctor arrived I remember being so scared for you. At this moment your daughter will have life and so quickly would it be taken from her. Sami was born and as expected her diagnoses were confirmed to be true. But through the sadness, beauty was found. Sami was beautiful! She was an ANGEL! She was and is a gift from GOD! She is always with me. I know she it. She is always with me at work, along with the other angels that have crossed my path.
I left work so sad that day. Just like all the other families that have crossed my path at some point or another in my career, I questioned if I would ever see them again. I always felt so connected to these families as if they were my own and then never had the opportunity to see them again. When you visited our work the night that both Cheryl and I were working, such joy and piece of mind was felt. I felt for the first time as a nurse I could express how this experience really affected me and how this experience has made me a better person and nurse. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
To see you all on the 23rd of October was a breathe of fresh air. Keeping in contact over facebook and reading your blog has really helped me feel the importance of so many things. Working with death and seeing it face-to-face has always brought questions that I wrote earlier, why? Why? Why? Lisette and Laurence, you are two brave and amazing people who have set a clear example to all those who question faith or God. And when faced with adversity, you broke through the mold and showed this world what strength, faith and love can really do. And even though Sami is dancing in heaven, she lives through you!!! Continue to spread your love, we can feel Sami shining through!

Much Love,

Angie

Julian's party

2010-11-17T10:11:00.002-08:00

Julian's birthday was a hit, he had a blast. I was exhausted but it was worth it to see him laugh and smile all day long. Such a difference from last year! He was spoiled like crazy, nothing new. Everyone was excited to see with a belly again but I will never get used to hearing "aww your going to have your pair now" really? I already do! I have learned to just brush it off but I would be lying if I said that comment didn't annoy the crap out of me. I always just smile and kindly respond that I already have my pair, she is just in heaven. Sometimes I hate having to remind me people that Sami still exist in my world she isn't just the past for me. This pregnancy makes me happy, very happy but it is very hard on me emotionally. One day at a time... Just wanted to share some of Julian's birthday photos.

His cake, it was yummy!

Bouncing away

Oh no!!!

Julian with his cousins

Candy table

A butterfly for Sami

Present time

His FAVORITE gift!!!

Pinata time

Cake time (He LOVES blowing out candles)

My little guy

2010-11-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

Today my little (well not so little anymore) turns 3, I can't believe it. The 33 hours of labor were well worth it. Some people say I would forget the pain but no not the case for me, lol. I remember it like it was yesterday. Anyhow, I am blessed for everyday that he has been in my life. Sometimes he drives me crazy but that never takes away from the love I feel for him. Today we are celebrating his birthday in a big way, perhaps because I feel guilty that last year his birthday was such a blur to me being that it was only two weeks after Sami's birthday. I don't even have that many pictures of his birthday and it makes me sad. I know he didn't know the difference but still it bothers me. This year he will have many pictures and this year I am not going to be crying randomly throughout the day. Today is his day and I plan on making it a good one for him. So Happy birthday Julian, mommy loves you.

Sami, send your brother some warm heavenly wishes. Surround him with your love. Yesterday he seen a baby girl on TV and he said 'I want that one" he misses you so much. Do you hear him at night when he tells you goodnight? I sure hope so baby girl. Mamma loves you too!

I can't believe how much he has grown and changed these years.

2010-11-11T12:35:00.000-08:00

This is Sami's memorial page that will be shared in Anchored by Hope, The sketchbook Project.
Many thank you's to Katy and Kristie for doing this. This just brightened my day.

Good news!

2010-11-08T11:03:00.000-08:00

So on Friday I called to see if my results were in from the CVS and yes they were. Little rainbow has no chromosome defect. No inverted chromosome like Sami and I. When I heard her say everything came back negative I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I just cried, the girl telling me was probably thinking I was drama but I didn't care, this test was really scary for me.
Let me go back to the actual day of the test, I was in the room trying to calm myself down because it was just so emotional for me, especially because it was on Sami's birthday. Anyhow, when all was done the Dr. H forgot to take some pictures of the baby for me so she asked the tech to take some more. I asked her if she can tell the gender of the baby yet and she said she believed she had already seen something that caught her eye. I have a picture with little arrows pointing to little boy parts! I was having a boy, OMG I thought of my dream with Marie. Could this be the Joseph she was talking about. I was so excited, Julian and Sami were going to have a baby brother. I told a few people my news and they were excited too.
So after we went over the results I almost forgot to ask her the gender of this little rainbow because it's a boy right? Well no.... Little rainbow is a baby girl!!!! I screamed "a girl" and she really thought I was crazy because she said, "two x chromosomes, makes a girl" it was funny. I was mentally prepare for a boy and since the 26th of October this baby was Joseph. I will have some explaining to do later, lol. I am honestly still in shock. I of course just want a healthy baby but I am just so excited that I get one more chance to be a mom to a real live baby girl. Sami cannot and will not ever be replaced in any way but I get another chance. In my mind I thought it was a boy even before this because I really never thought I would have another little girl and now since they said "it's a girl" I didn't realize how happy that would make me feel. Again, I was super excited about having a boy. I called my husband right away and he was just as shocked as I was. It was so cute, he thought he heard me wrong.
Hearing that everything so far is well with this baby gives me some relief but it doesn't still keep me from worrying about the test ahead of us. My due date is May 6th, my birthday is May 3rd, what an awesome gift right? I keep telling myself that this baby is going to come home. I hate it when people tell me "keep thinking positive" I did that with Sami and well that didn't bring her home with me. People sometimes think that being pregnant again is going to all of a sudden heal me. Yes, it has helped me in a way but it will never take away the fact that one of my children is in heaven and not here with me. How did this become an angry post? It's not, I am over the moon that so far all is looking great. I will post pictures later!

4 yrs ago today...

2010-11-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

I married the love of my life 4 years ago today. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. It took us 7 years to finally get married but it was worth the wait. I love my husband, he is such a wonderful person and don't know how I would manage without him. I love that even though so much has happened in our years married we have remained strong together. We have been together so long and he still calls me "girlfriend" and I still call him "boyfriend" it's funny but everyone is so used to it. Sometimes even Julian will call me "girlfriend". I think we will be old and gray and still call eachother that. Here are a few pictures from our big day, a trip down memory lane. It was a very traditional mexican wedding, my hubs was wearing a charro suit not a mariachi suit, lol!

Marie bringing up my dress

Gabrielle, my God daughter being bored as we got ready.

Our large wedding party

Me and my girls

My maid's of honor, Stella and Cassandra

Yes, I was wearing my boots!

Marie and I

Our 1st dance- I cross my heart by Geaorge Straight

Did I mention that I love my husband?

Such a hard day for me

2010-11-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

It seems like forever since I have posted but I have just been so lazy to be honest. I start a new post but never finish it.

So Sami’s birthday came and went and thank God I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be. I woke up at exactly 5 am, she was born at 5:04, weird huh? I cried instantly and just asked for God to fill my heart with peace. That was such a hard day but so beautiful at the same time. I had an appointment with the Peri but first we spoke to the genetic counselor again and she recommended that I do the CVS again because the chances of everything happening again are more in the 25-35% range. I wasn’t planning on doing that on her day but I just wanted to get it over with. We did the NT scan and this little one measured perfectly at 1.8 not 7.5 like Sami. I cried tears of relief. I was shaking and shaking and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my body. My husband felt the same too. My little one was moving so much, it was adorable. I think at that moment I fell in love.

I had been feeling so sad that I didn’t allow myself to love this little rainbow because my fear over powered every feeling within me. Hearing the heart beating, watching every movement just made me snap back and appreciate the little life within me. The CVS hurt like hell again but it was quick and I should be getting my results by the end of this week. I have been a nervous wreck just waiting and waiting. I am glad they haven’t called me since that is a good thing although they should call anyhow just to let me know all is well. I will call them AGAIN this Friday and hopefully get the answers I have been waiting for. I just want to fast forward time.

We had planned on doing something special on Sami’s day but since I had the CVS I was on bed rest so we really couldn’t do much. Julian sang happy birthday many times for her, broke my heart but I love that he loves her so much. Not many people besides BLM called me but that is OK. THANK YOU to everyone who sent us cards for her, it really made my day and week. I received the most beautiful email from one of her nurses that day that had me in tears but it was the sweetest thing ever. Sami will always be remembered and I love that.

On Thursday the 28th we attended a “walk to remember” at the hospital, it was very nice. I would love to be able to take part in that in more ways than just participating in the future. I have so many ideas to share with them. I finally got to see her name on the memorial wall. Walking through the hospital wasn’t as bad as I thought either. I try to block out all the bad moments and focus on the good. I know she doesn’t want to see her mommy sad all the time. Her life wasn’t a sad one and I refuse to make it that way.

Lauren S Delgado
(7th name on the right)

Today is harder for me than I thought, last year on this day we had her service. It was the last time I physically held her and kissed her. I knew it was just her body and that her soul was already in heaven but just being able to hold her again was such a great feeling. I hate that I remember these dates like it was yesterday. I remember EVERYTHING in detail. I remember getting there early to hold her before people got there. I remember telling her how much we loved her and how sorry I was that I wasn’t able to save her. In some way I still feel guilty that my body let her down. There were so many imperfections in her perfect body. I still wonder what if I could have done more for her. I remember wrapping her up in the blanket that my mom made for Sami, she was so pretty in pink. I could still remember my husband breaking down while holding her lifeless body. That was so hard to watch him and there was nothing I could do to make it better for him. We would have to say goodbye to our daughter forever that day. I remember taking a deep breath and pleading with God to let me make it through the day. I am so glad I got to hold her, I didn’t care what people thought. I walked her into another room and held her some more. Why is this day so hard? I hate this day.

Happy Birthday Sami

2010-10-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my precious daughter!!!

I am filled with so many emotions right now that it is so hard to type and put into words how I feel. As I watch the clock I am put back to every second that happened last year on this day. From me remembering how guilty I felt for eating an ice cream so late at night but I couldn't help it because I just had to have it. Sami was kicking away and we laughed because I kept telling my husband that it wasn't me that wanted the ice cream it was her. Julian falling fast alseep after a long day at Disneyland and waking up screaming baby the second my water broke in bed. I still can't explain that moment. Just every second, I remember like it just happened. 5:04 AM we welcomed Lauren Samantha Delgado into this world. I wish I could feel her tiny breaths against my cheeck again, I wish I could feel her tiny hand wrapped around my finger and I wish I could feel her velver curls again. It has been such an amazing feeling being her mommy. There has been so much pain yet so much beauty. I am sure many of you have heard Beauty from Pain, well that's how it really is. One day I will understand why this happened. I just can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Again, I will say that just means that I am one day close to her.

Sami, mommy loves and misses you so much. I hope you got to see all the balloons on Saturday. It was so special to see all them fly up together. I wish I could hold you once again, I wish I could look into your eyes and tell you how much I need you here with me. I am broken because you have a piece of me with you. I know you are in a better place but the selfish part of me wants you here. Julian has been singing Happy Birthday to you all weekend, can you hear him? Please send me a warm whisper to reassure me that you are happy and that you really do feel my love.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Sami Happy Birthday to you!!!!

I love you so much little mama!!!

Sami's celebration part two

2010-10-25T16:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we decided to go take some flowers to the babies at the baby land at the cemetery like we did after her service last year. It's bittersweet but it makes me smile. A lady was there and she came up to me and told me "I am not sure why you are doing this but I think it's a great, thank you" she had tears in her eyes. I told her it was in honor of my daughter, I guess she was there to see her parents and a brother who only lived one day. I guess I had already put some flowers at his sight by the time she got there. I think I am going to keep this tradition going.
Julian has fun doing that, he was cleaning of the plaques up too. He released his last balloon for his sister because on Saturday he wasn't ready to let go of his smiley face balloon but once we were there he wanted and let it go, he said Happy Birthday to her again and again. It broke my heart but I love that he loves her so darn much. He was hugging and kissing her so much.

Sami with the flowers for all the other angel's.

Julian giving Sami kisses

When we got there no flowers were in sight

I think we did an ok job of adding some color

Sami's celebration

2010-10-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

First off I want to thank everyone who sent me messages, cards and gifts for Sami's birthday. I am just overwhelmed by all the love and support we have received.

OK so Wednesday I finally received the shipment of all the balloons. I wanted to write the names on the balloons before I had them inflated so I started to do that on Thursday night after work. My family had to attend service for our neighbor so since I had my sister in law there I put her to work and started writing names. Well the markers I had bought were not really working on them too well. It was too late to run to the store for some more because it was already 10pm. Friday morning I had to get the balloons to the store early because there was 100 that needed to get inflated! I figured I would just write the names after they were inflated, I should have just done that from the start but oh well, I still had 50 to go. Thank goodness we have big cars in my family because it only took 4 cars to transport the balloons back to my brother's house. That was a project!!! By this time, I had tried to set up the tables and chairs at the house so that I wouldn't have to worry about it Saturday morning. I am so glad I did that. I was rushing because we had the walk to remember at the hospital at 7pm. Well we all rush there and my luck they messed up on my invite because it's on the 28th!!!!!! Fantastic.... well back to name writing on the balloons. I should have been taking photos of that so that you can see every name but at this point I was so tired I just wanted to finish so that I could go to sleep.
Saturday morning came, mass was early 9am but so worth it. Many people didn't go but there was a lot still there. It was great to turn around and see so many people. Sami's nurses were there and let me tell you, that just made my day. I love Cheryl and Angie with all my heart. They are nurses with the heart of gold and will forever be a part of my life.
I had my camera ready to go and I forgot it in the truck. By the time I noticed it mass had already began and I couldn't get to my camera. I could have kicked my own butt because I really wanted to record her mass. My friend Andrea sand and she has such a beautiful voice. She sang Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good and I will carry you by Selah. I don't think there was a dry eye in that church, it was simply beautiful. I actually got up and said something, not sure where that courage came from because I hate speaking in public. Through my tears I was able to thank everyone for being there. My husband said a few words too that just made me want to totally break down and cry. How he misses our beautiful baby girl, sigh!

Right after we went to my brother's, it started to drizzle so I really wanted to get to the balloon release before heavier rain came but thank goodness it didn't. During the release my friend Danny was singing Somewhere over the rainbow. Again with so much going on I didn't record it again. My husband explained to everyone there that every balloon had a name of other babies gone much to soon. Every balloon was in dedication to them and their parents who like us have experienced a loss like ours. It was so emotional for me to see all the balloons take off and stick together.

Well one balloon that was Riley's decided to stick around for a bit but we got it going and it soon caught up with the rest. Everyone applauded when that finally happened. So Megan if you are reading this that was a little stubborn one you had there, lol! I really think that was everyone's favorite part was seeing those balloons take off. For me it gave me so much peace, it's been one year of roller coaster emotions that will continue but I am getting used it. It's a familiar ride now not one with unexpected turns and I like it that way.

I am sorry I didn't get pictures of every single balloon but I promise every single one of you were included.

Delicious red velvet cupcakes made by best friend Jomie

Everyone getting ready for the release

Almost time

2010-10-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that Sami's memorial is this Saturday! I am almost ready, I just need to finish the names on the balloon for the balloon release that I am very excited for. I just got news that we found someone to play the piano during her mass, I didn't want it to be so quiet. We will also have a guitarist during her lunch. He is a good friend and last year he played at her service and I told he had to make us smile with his music again. I am sure my family will like that surprise.

I have been feeling way better this week, I hope this is just a sign for better days to come with this little rainbow. On Tuesday, Sami's actual birthday I get to go see the specialist for my NT scan. To say I am nervous is an understatement. That is the same test that let me know something was wrong. I haven't really thought about it because I will make myself sick so I will just let it be until that day. Please pray that all is well with this little one. I don't know what I will do if they find something wrong again. OK enough of that for now... This week I am have been smiling more even though I can't believe it's going to be one year since my beautiful Sami as here with me, sigh! In this year I have cried like never before, it's normal to me now yet I have smiled like never before because she has blessed me in so many ways. I am so thankful Sami came into my life, what a beautiful blessing from above.

Shine a light

2010-10-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Today is infant loss and pregnancy loss remembrance day. As many of you know today we light a candle at 7pm your local time in honor of all the precious little one's who have gone much to soon. This is such a bittersweet day for many of us. Thinking of all of you who have lost a child today.

I have not posted much here, I have so many things to say yet no words to write. This past week has been pretty bad. I really, really feel ill all day long (so not like my other pregnancy's), it has been going on for quite some time but this week it just hasn't let up at all. I have no energy, I have spotting and I have a lovely UTI. I am always at the doctor's office, I feel bad for them. Baby looks good but since I haven't been feeling well I haven't been drinking and eating as I should so I am dehydrated. I am working on it but it's been hard. Some how I have managed to get things going for Sami's mass next week so I am not as stressed over that. Although the weather might change that since it might rain!!!!

One more thing, please pray for my friend's who lost their daughter Savannah Sara on 10/08/10. Last night I attended the service and boy was that hard!!! The doctor's said she would live one hour, well she proved them wrong and lived 9 precious days. Savannah had a severe gene defect that affected her breathing and her organs. My hearts just breaks for them. Please give them in your thoughts and prayers.

How I wish this could happen

2010-10-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that I went to my brother's house to tell them my pregnancy news. We sat there wishing Marie was here so that I could tell her myself. Well we turned and she was there in the kitchen cleaning up like usual. It was weird because we knew she wasn't supposed to be there but she explained that she was only there for a little bit and that after church she would have to return back home. It was on a Saturday and they always go to mass that day. She looked so radiant and beautiful. The girls were just so excited to have there mom hom again. She was making their lunches for the week. My brother was alive again, smiling yet sad because we all knew she had to return. In the excitement of it all I never told her my news but she knew because she touched my belly. Thinking of it makes me want to cry because she looked so darn beautiful and peaceful. This deam felt so real, her touch was so warm.

I wish they can visit us for a few hours at a time, wouldn't that be perfect? I miss her so much but I love knowing how happy she is being at home in heaven. This dreamed filled me with so much peace, thank you God for that lovely dream. I really needed that. No mater where Marie is she is still doing what she does best, loving us all and making sure we are taken care of. I wish I could always dream like that.

Thank you everyone

2010-10-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU everyone for all the well wishes. It is much appreciated.

Is it just me or has this week seemed like forever? I guess it's a good thing but I just want tomorrow to come. My honey will be coming home, he has been this work for work. I have been staying at my mom's so I don't have to make the long commute everyday and that has been nice. I could actually get an extra hour of sleep (so needed). I haven't been feeling all that well and I hope he goes away soon, I am just so darn tired. Sami's memorial is only a few weeks away and I haven't even thought of a menu yet! I have just been so out of it lately. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to pull it together and get things going. I don't have much of a choice because it's only 2 weeks away.

Warning, pregnancy mentioned

2010-10-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I am not sure why I have been so afraid to post this but I am expecting again. I am terrified but so excited at the same time. A pregnancy after loss is so darn different. As many others on this journey have said they feel "robbed" well I agree. I want to be jumping up for joy like before without having to be worried so much. October is such a hard month for me as it is and now adding those lovely pregnancy hormones to it just makes it a little more overwhelming. I have given it so much thought whether or not to do another blog for this new journey but I can't even keep up with this one sometimes so I am going to just keep this one. I know for some of you hearing about rainbow's isn't easy and I feel bad but everything I do in my life will always include Sami. I feel like this little one to be is a true gift from above. Let's see if the dream I had with Marie (telling me that my son Joseph will come home to me soon) is true.

I will have a lovely gift for my May birthday in 2011. Wish me luck and please pray that I will be able to come home with a live baby this time.

October

2010-10-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

October, you bring me a flood of emotions. Last year I was so lost and scared now I am just missing my sweet baby girl. I am proud of myself that I have come this far in my feelings. I never thought I would get here. I thought I would have that feeling of dying forever. I still hurt, that will never go away but I have learned to accept my fate and go with it. Sami's life has touched so many people, it makes me smile. I am still not quite where I want to be because I still haven't quite figured out how I am going to give back. So many things have crossed my mind but I am just stuck. I will let it go for now, let October pass and hopefully the little light will finally go on. I pray to God that this month is gentle on my heart. I didn't think it would be this month emotional for me and it's just day 1!!! Last year she was still with me physically and this year just her memory, sigh....

Birth certificate

2010-09-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Fall is here, I love the fall. The smells, the cool breeze on my face and the falling leaves. I love it all but these past days it has brought me so many emotions. I stepped out the truck yesterday and the smell in the air just brought me back to last year when I was trying my best to embrace everyday with Sami. I would pray to God to let me hold her as long as I could even though by this point I was already in pain from the poly. Everyday I would embrace those kicks and take it all in. It is weird how a simple smell can bring me back to those moments in an instant. I am happy for those moments but it still pulls at my heart. How I wish it would be different. It's almost 11 months, I can't believe it. Next month will be her memorial service and I am looking forward to it because I really want it to bring me peace. I need to do this for me and of course for her. I hope it all turns out to be OK.

So yesterday as I walked in I noticed the mail and there it is was... her birth certificate. It took me long enough to order it, not sure why to be honest. There in my hand was official proof that she really was born alive. I felt like showing it off to who ever just so they can really see for themselves that she really lived. It broke my heart to see on the bottom corner "date of death" but I just ignored that part. Even if she would have never taken a single breath I would still say she lived. Sorry for all you have had a still birth and have to deal with people believing your child never lived. Just makes me sad because they all lived within us. It is so sad that I received her death certificate before this one but it is what it is. Now I get to place another item in her memory box. I want to cry, I want to scream that this is just so unfair. I miss her so much, I ache for her every single day. For people who wonder if I have moved on, uumm no! Coping... yes, breathing... yes learning to live out her... yes. Some days are good, I smile, I laugh but the pain is never far away.

Sami baby please surround me with your warmth as the days to your birthday approach. It's starting to get a little more difficult for me. Time obviously isn't healing my broken heart. I need you more than ever, lots of kisses and hugs my sweet.

Angel wings

2010-09-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

I know I have posted before about Sami's angel wings. Well with her urn there were wings attached to it. When we seen them we just knew that on the day of her service she had to be wearing them. They fit her perfectly, we were so excited. My niece Victoria couldn't believe she really had wings that day, I love the mind of innocent children. My sister told her she was an angel so seeing Sami with wings she was taken back. Makes me smile thinking of that because I know she will always remember her cousin as an angel. A few days later when we had to go pick up her ashes (I hate the way that sounds) they gave me her blanket and rosary but no angel wings. She was creamated with them, she is such a girl and didn't want to wait in line I suppose. Why wait for wings when you already have them right? I don't know why it took me so long order them again but I did. Today they came in the mail, it made me happy but so emotional at the same time. It doesn't seem right that I have to go through stuff like this. I should be buying her clothes and bows not angel wings to put on her bear. Some days I feel like I am coping as best as I could then out of nowhere I get stopped right in my tracks. My life is different, I accept it even though I would much rather have another life. I life that doesn't involve so much pain in my heart, a life that was supposed be---complete.

These past few months I haven't really felt this pain so intensly as tonight. The pain is always there but it wasn't something that I couldn't handle. I can't really explain it but I am sure many of you can relate. I keep reliving the moments that most people NEVER have to think about such as dressing your dead child, calling the morturary to pick her because her skin was changing color. Those are moments that I will never forget no matter how much time passes. October is so near, it's really starting to hit me.

Happy Birthday Hope

2010-09-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOPE!!!!

What a journey it has been for Hope, please stop by her blog and wish her a happy 1st birthday.. Her mom Paula and I met on baby center over a year ago. She is the reason why I started this blog. We shared our fears because both of our little girl's had HLHS (hypoplastic left heart syndrome). Although our journey's took different paths I am so HAPPY for Paula and Hope. That little girl is something else. She has been through so much in just one year. It hasn't been an easy road but through it all she finds a way to smile and brighten everyone's day. I hope to one day meet her in person. I think she is just the cutest little miracle.
This weekend Hope will be celebrating her birthday with a Family Fun Day in Cleaveland. Procedes will go to a foundation that is dear to Paula, The Children's Heart Foundation.

Happy Birthday Marie

2010-09-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIE!!!

Forever loved and missed. I am sending you hugs and kisses. I hope you liked the orchids I got you. I know they were one of your favorites.

Alan Jackson - Sissy's Song

2010-09-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

Sissy's song by Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go

So young I just don't know why

Things happen half the time

Without reason without rhyme

Lovely, sweet young woman

Daughter, wife and mother

Makes no sense to me

I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind

Just trying to survive

And understand the why

Feeling so lost inside

Anger shot straight at God

Then asking for His love

Empty with disbelief

Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye

Her picture in my mind

Will always be of times I'll cherish

And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me

Don`t worry 'bout me

When I first heard this song it made me sad to think that song was written for someone who lost a loved one. I never in a million years would have thought that I would hear it and think of Marie. This stuff happened to other people so I thought. Now it's our reality, it's not fair. On Sunday it will be Marie's birthday. My heart hurts right now. Last year on her birthday we were smiling laughing and enjoying a beautiful day at the fair . If I would have known that would be the last birthday I would share with her I would have taken it all in. I would have laughed more, Marie had this beautiful smile. I need her now more than ever.
I need her words of wisdom, I need her tell me that I can deal with whatever life throws at me. I can't believe she isn't here with us. Sometimes I feel selfish for being mad that she was taken when I needed her the most. We all needed her in my family. Oh my gosh I can't stop crying, I will continue my Marie post later in the weekend. I am so emotional!!!

More photos to share

2010-09-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share more pictures with all of you

This was on the front of the card that Katy sent me since I was the winner of her giveaway (hooray)

I was lucky to win this beautiful prayer bracelet.

Then after I won that one I won this beautiful candle from Michelle

Aren't I so lucky? I just LOVE this candle. If you get a chance please stop by and visit Michelle's blog as tomorrow is her sweet Audrey's 1st heavenly birthday. Send some extra love to her wonderful mommy who wears a heavy heart these days.

Thank you ladies for creating such beautiful gifts to give, I am really honored to have won them ((HUGS)).

Happy 2nd Birthday Peyton!!!

2010-09-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2386/2254139180_d7195d6b1c.jpg

Happy Birthday to Peyton!!!
Please stop by her beautiful mommy's blog and send her well wishes on this day that is so difficult for her. Kristin, I pray for strength and peace today. ((HUGS))

Photos to share

2010-08-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

FINALLY the bricks are in!!! I am so excited.

Sami and Marie are forever a part of Disneyland!

Marie loved to take the girls there all the time and I was there in labor with Sami. Crazy I know but I was in denial that I was in labor! So I can say that was the last place where I held her. The happiest place on earth, what a beautiful memory to have huh? I love the fact that these bricks are right at the entrance of Disneyland too, not anywhere else. I didn't have a choice as to where they are placed so I guess it was just meant to be and I love it! They couldn't guarantee that they would be placed together and well just like in heaven they are together here as well. I just love knowing that they their names are there for everyone to see.

Just makes me smile.

So whenever any of you go to Disneyland be on the look out for the bricks.

This is one is Sami's

This one is for Marie

Feeling a whole lot better

2010-08-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

Well it's almost the weekend and I am quite excited. I am finally going to have a girls night with my friend's. My honey and Julian are going to have a fun Saturday too since they are going to go watch the PBR. I hope Julian stays put, lol. I am sure he will do just fine, he loves to watch bull riding.

I am still a little angry but I have decided that there is no point to that. It's a feeling I rarely have and I hate it so it's time to just get over it. It does no good to me. I figure if people want me in their lives then they will and if not oh well nothing I can do about it. I am sticking to my last post this time.

So now to real stuff that just makes me so darn proud of myself. I have taken 100 steps forward!!! I actually walked into a Babies R Us without wanting to burst into tears and I even helped one of my dearest friend's register for her baby girl!!! It was something that I needed to do for myself and boy am I glad I did because I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I am so glad that I did that. Then another giant step was I actually attended my first 1st birthday party for another friend's son. I remember us being pregnant together last summer. I attended her baby shower and was so jealous, how I love that feeling being gone. I am truly happy for both of my friend's as they both embrace being a mommy as it should be. Lately it seems like everyone is pregnant around me and in this blog world and it really makes me smile. It gives me hope that I didn't have before. I am scared for everyone because I know how quickly things can change but I am really hopeful that they will get to start a new chapter in their lives filled with diapers to change, bottles to feed and kisses to give. So to all mom's expecting their rainbows---CONGRATULATIONS once again. I often wonder how I am going to react to being pregnant again. Am I going to be scared to enjoy it for the fear that it can end so quickly or will be a peace and actually be able to enjoy it? There is no way that I can go into it like before. Again, I miss being naive at times. Who knows what is in store for our little family but for now I am just going to take it as it comes.

Lately I have noticed that I don't cry as often and although that makes me sad it also gives me some comfort. I know in my heart that Sami is in a better place and one day I will be with her again. Oh I read the book 6 Big, Big Angels by Mary Jo Pennington and wow is all I have to say. I recommend it to everyone. It was suggested to me by Belle at Beauty from ashes, THANK YOU so much. It gives a glimpse as to what heaven is really like. So this week is ending on a much better note, I hope it continues that way.

Today I am feeling...

2010-08-24T10:09:00.000-07:00

ANGRY!!!!!!

SAD!!!!

ANNOYED!!!

LET DOWN!!!

It never fails that when I really need someone my honey is out of town for work. This sucks, I hate it and I just want to scream. He is my best friend, the only one in my life that is stable and really understands me. My honey is the ONLY one that I can trust with everything and anything. Sometimes I tend to forget that. Days like this make me want to run to him and tell him thank you for being my best everything. I seriously need to make changes in my life. I always say that and never follow trough, now it's written so there is no going back. I will only disappoint myself if I do. I think it will only benefit me in the long run. I really hope there are better days ahead for me because I can't handle all of this at the moment. Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to tell everyone to F off? (Not to you fellow BLM's!!!) Well today is one of those days for me. UURRGGHH!!!!

August 19th A day of Hope

2010-08-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Today as many know is a day of giving and remembering. Carly has done such a wonderful job at making this day so special. August 19th is a special day for her because that is the first time she had a dream of her son Christian at the beach, his legacy began from there. She has touched many of our lives, and I am so thankful for her. This date is also inspired by a woman who reached out to Carly when her daughter Hope was born still on this day. They share a bond like so many of us do. A bond that without many words or actions we know is there. On this day I want to let all you know that not a day goes by that I do not think of you and your sweet angel's. It's a bittersweet day but a day to be embraced.

Sami, mommy is thinking of you!!!

I Worry

2010-08-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

Can someone lend me their book on life? I need a manual that will assure me that I will make it through all of this. This past year has been so hard. I haven’t been married that long even though we have been together forever and married life can sometimes be a little complicated. Add a toddler in the mix, the death of a child and a house worth nothing thanks to our wonderful economy! That can test someone right? This month we have needed to do repairs to the house because our restrooms had never been upgraded since 1982, so it was time. Brakes and little minor stuff to our truck can also add up. Financially I was never worried, now I am. I know it will get better but I just HATE having that added stress to my list of things.

I had not posted in what seems like a long time but I just wasn’t motivated enough to finish a post. I started some but they never were finished, oh well. Nothing new, some days are good other’s not so much. I just want to run away, run from it all to a place where I can clear my head. I worry about everything and everyone even though I know they could less about me. It’s just what I do, worry! I worry that someone else close to me is going to die. Death is always in my head. I hate it, I wish it would just go away. This morning I had a scary dream that there was a deputy at my front door telling me that my husband was in a really bad car accident and he died. It was so real, I literally jumped out of bed and opened my front door, it was that real. My heart was pounding it scared the crap out of me. I had to call him to make sure he was ok, thank goodness he is. I miss being myself. I feel like this is someone else’s life not mine. This is not what I signed up for!

This weekend my honey is going away for the weekend with his friends and I am glad. I don’t mean that in a bad way, don’t get me wrong. We just all need a little break from life everyday. It can become such a routine and everything about it becomes a unwanted task. He tells me I need to do the same and I know he is right but I just cannot leave Julian for a weekend. I miss him like crazy being away from him while I am work as it is already. One weekend I will, I made a promise to myself that I have to keep. I hope he has fun and is really able to clear his mind. For the past few weeks we have not been as close as we normally are, I know we are both stressed over our home. It is just not worth anything yet we are paying like it is. Not sure what we will end up doing but hopefully soon we will decide. I always told myself that our home was not a permanent home because it is so far from my family but now that we might have to give it up I feel an attachment to it, go figure! I hate this feeling so much. Economy please fix yourself soon, lol.

Enough of that on a sweet note, Julian continues to still my heart. I love him so much and he just fills me with so much joy. He is talking so much now, I love it. Last Thursday I was getting him ready for bed and he told me he wanted to go home. I was like we are home what are you talking about. He kept saying, “no mom, home”, he pointed up to the ceiling so I was playing along with him but then he said home with baby ouchie!!! Every time he talks about Sami he said baby ouchie. He always remembers her little head. I couldn’t believe it!!! I was just amazed, happy and sad at the same moment. Last night too he said something about that and that there is a door with baby ouchie, he even said "come on." My husband heard that and just looked over at me. He says it so innocently like he has been there with her or something. It gives me comfort to know he sees her there and she is safe in heaven. I want to cry just thinking about it. Heaven is real, like I said in my last post there is a part of me there. Everyday I thank God for watching my precious girl and for being such a strong presence in our lives. Julian always speaks of Him like he is part of our family. As a matter of fact this weekend my niece (10 yrs) was amazed that he kept saying that he wanted to go to Jesus house since we had passed by church on Friday. She was like what 2 yr old wants to go there! Saturday morning he remembered because he kept asking to go. We did end up going to mass that evening and he sat there and was so well behaved. He is adorable because he does the sign of the cross when he walks in and when it comes time to kneel he does and puts his little hands together. I wish I could have a photo of that, it is seriously adorable to see. I just think it would be weird to take a picture in the middle of a regular mass, lol. I hope he continues to grow with such strong faith in the Lord. It makes me proud that my son is so in touch with Him at such young age. When I feel at my weakest I just stop and look at Julian because he has defiantly assured me that He is real.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

And the winner is....

2010-07-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

I did this the old fashioned way... wrote all the names on a sheet of paper and had my husband draw a name out of a box. The lucky winner is Cathy from Running into my life, CONGRATULATIONS to you!!! I hope you enjoy this beautiful piece of artwork in your home. Please email me at lisarry99@yahoo.com so that I can get your info and get this wonderful gift out to you.

I wish I had a little gift for all you wonderful ladies. I want you to know that I admire each and every one of you. I am so glad that I have you ladies in my life. ((HUGS))

9 months ago today...

2010-07-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

My beautiful baby girl

9 months ago today, I held my beautiful baby girl in amazement. I felt her warmth on my skin, an emotion that is so hard to put into words. I was glowing, I was happy and I was in love. Today I am without her but today I am not feeling sad. I am happy that I was blessed to have her. I am thankful for the many people that have been touched by her life. I am proud of her and I am proud of myself because today I am a better person. It has been a bumpy 9 months to say the least but they have been a blessing as well. I feel closer to God even though my faith has been challenged. I know for a fact that heaven exist because it has part of me is there.

Sami, Happy 9 months in heaven, mommy loves and misses you so much. I promise today I will not be sad. Today is a happy day thinking of all the joy you brought into our lives. Did you hear Julian talking about this morning? It was so sweet, he loves you so much. I hope you can feel our love.

It’s not too late to leave a comment for the giveaway. I will leave it open until 6 pm today. Good luck to everyone!

Giveaway for you

2010-07-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

Hooray
100 followers!!!!!!!

Thank you guys so much for following my journey this past year. You have no idea how much of a blessing this blog has been. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be a "blogger." So because of your support I would like to give away a little something created by Franchesca at Small Bird studios. I hope you have a special place for this in your home or somewhere special. I know she puts so much hard work into these lovely pieces. The giveaway prize is will be four pieces - Faith, Joy, Peace, Charity Wall Art 6inx6in, can also be custom made with your verses.

I would like to know how the death of a loved one (doesn’t have to be your child) has inspired you to do something good for others. For me I would like to think that I have become a better mother to Julian and a better wife to my husband because I acknowledge how precious life is. I would love to hear from you.
To enter, you must be a follower of this blog, just leave a comment below. I will keep this open until Monday July 26, 2010. I will post the winner that evening.

Once again thank you so much for your support. Many many ((HUGS)) to each and every one of you.

I am weak

2010-07-21T14:13:00.001-07:00

Today seems to be going better, still emotional. It’s been a hard week for me. I am here at work (obviously not so busy) and I just had a lady come inquire about some insurance. She had her grandsons with her, one was handicapped. Bryston made my day with his radiant smile but at the same has me in tears (of course after they left). He is loved and is very happy but it makes me wonder how Sami would have been if she would have survived. They said she would be severely handicapped, I didn’t care I would have loved her just the same. His grandma said he just had a birthday yesterday and he turned 14, I would have never guessed his age. He is really small and has a sweet baby face. His brother is 2 and he kept hugging him so tight that she would need to ask him let go. It was cute because he was trying to tell me that was his brother. You can see the love they had for each other even from the little one he kept saying “brother”. They have been clients for a while but this was their first visit to the office, I hope they come again. Those are clients that I will never forget. In some weird way I feel a connection.

I keep thinking about those early days when they told me she was a very ill baby. I tend to block those moments out of my mind at times because it was such a hard time in my life. Especially when my first doctor told me she wasn’t going to survive or in his words “why are you still pregnant, IT’S going to die” ouch, how I felt so discriminated. My baby was beautiful to me no matter what was wrong with her we were going to love her no matter what. It makes me wonder how people with handicapped children deal with so many people not understanding the love they have for their children. I remember early on and people telling me that maybe it was best that I abort because she was not going to have a good life. How is that so because I know we would have given her everything she possibly needed, we would have been great parents. I know not one day would go by that she wouldn’t feel the immense love we have for her. I hate it when people say “well at least she isn’t suffering” yes it’s true but it doesn’t make her death any easier on me.

Everyday there is pain in my heart and today it is heavier than most days. I want her here, I want to hold her one more time, I want to see Julian giving her kisses and trying to hold her. I have been cheated. I don’t blame God at all, He didn’t do this to hurt me I know and really believe that. Somehow I know I will be stronger because of all of this but not just know, right now I am weak. Right now I am a mother in pain.

Emotional Monday is back

2010-07-19T16:13:00.001-07:00

Oh emotional Monday is back!!!!!!!!! I seriously don’t know what triggers this. I was at the store during my lunch break and it just hit me. I had to walk out of the store and call my honey so he can tell me silly and put me back in a good mood. He did and it worked for a while but it is still hard. I miss Sami, I miss Marie. Tomorrow will be 5 months since Marie passed away. How time flies, I can’t believe it has been that long. Yesterday I was at her house watching the girls swim and it just broke my heart. She is supposed to be here watching them, loving them and being the wonderful mother that she was. Life without has not been very easy for me. I miss being able to pick up the phone and talking to her. On a day like today I know I could call her and she would find a way to make me feel better.

Today I miss Sami more than ever. I feel like the more passes the more I miss her instead of me getting used to the idea that she is no longer here. It’s almost been 9 months and I have started really thinking of ideas about her memorial service that I have planned. Everyday I seem to change my mind about how I want to approach this. One day I want everyone there and the next not so much. I guess it depends on what mood I am in. Grieving is vicious cycle!!!!!!!! It consumes your life. It changes who you are indefinitely. I wonder if people can notice how much I have changed. Do they even care? Ok maybe today I am just feeling sorry for myself, don’t know what it is. The tears are starting to flow so I am going to end this now. I am going to try to make the most of my day. I am going to pick up Julian in a bit and I know he will do or say something to put me back on track.

Prayer request

2010-07-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

Please pray for Ashley and her family. Her 22 yr old brother tragically passed away yesterday in a car accident. It breaks my heart to know how much this family has gone through. Please stop by her blog and let her know she is not alone. Thank you!!!

I love little signs

2010-07-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been pretty good. This past weekend we hung out with family and friends and I was actually able to enjoy myself. Of course never far from my mind is Sami. I couldn't help but remember last year and how on 4th of July she scared us because she wasn't really moving. We were at a friend's house and had to come home (I had forgotten to take my doppler) because there was no movement. I remember trying to enjoy myself but I really wasn't able to. I tried eating candy, drinking soda (that is bad) but I needed her to move for me and she wouldn't. I remember just praying and praying that everything was OK. We got home and couldn't get to the doppler fast enough. It took us a while to find her heartbeat but after sometime we finally got it. She was having a lazy day I suppose. I remember crying because I was so relieved. After that we went to my brother's and enjoyed the rest of the day. I was happy last 4th of July, this year was so different. I sat and was day dreaming about the cute little red, white and blue outfit she would have been wearing. I couldn't help it! Over all the weekend went well, I was even able to actually enjoy a Monday! That usually never happens for me.

Last night we needed to go to Target to get Julian some stuff. I have been OK lately seeing the little girl things but for some reason last night it got to me. I purposely walked on the other side to avoid that section because I just didn't want to see it. We were in the isle where they have the shampoo and lotions and right of front of me were the cutest little pink shoes, I cried. I didn't even think about it the tears just fell. My husband seen them too so he knew exactly what triggered my tears, he just just rubbed my back and quietly said "I am sorry." This really sucks you know? We were in and out of there in record timing, for me a Target stop is never quick.
While I was driving home I was still a little unsettled by what had happened. I was getting onto the freeway and this slow car got in front of me and there was no way to switch lanes at that time. I was cursing at the car at this point when my husband laughed and told me someone was telling me to slow down and relax. I was like no way they just don't know how to drive!!! He told me to read their license plate and well I couldn't help but laugh and cry a little because it said "LIL SMMY." I was like OK little girl, you made your point!!! I had to slow down. The car got off on the same exit just to get back on again. It was like it just got on to lead me to where I needed to go. It could have just been a coincidence but I took it as a sign from Sami. It was just one of those things that I needed last night.

I miss her so much! I feel like I have been cheated one being a mom to a little girl and it got me thinking about us TTC. I want of course a healthy baby but the way I feel right now, I really pray for a baby boy. I think I am scared to have a little girl because of what people are going to say such as "oh now you finally have your pair" or "you finally got your little girl." I am a mom to a little girl, a little girl in heaven! I don't want people to feel like I can replace her in any way. But then at the same time if I have a little boy again they are going to probably ask if I am going to try again for a little girl! I am scared, I am scared that by having another baby they will feel like I will be healed. I will never be healed. 8 months into this grieving process, I have learned to live a new life. A life that I am thankful for of course but at the same time a life that I never wanted. They say it gets easier with time, I don't think that is necessarily true but I do believe that we just learn to cope better. Really what choice do you have?

Feeling lost

2010-06-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

Well I managed to make it through another funeral. Just 4 months ago I was at Marie’s and 4 months before that was Sami’s. I hope to go many years without having to attend another one. I can’t take them anymore. Briana was 10 yrs old and she looked beautiful in her Snow White outfit, she sure did look like a Disney princess. Vickie is one tough mama, she held up as best as she could. My heart aches for her so much. I pray they will be able to get through the days ahead.

These past few days have been really hard on me. I thought I was doing so well. I had been feeling like the sun was starting to shine again but today (of all days Monday) I just feel so lost. Today I just feel like my heart physically hurts. I tell myself that it will go away and that I will have better days again. I just hate this feeling.

This weekend one of my brother’s forgot I had a baby 8 months ago and it did not surprise me (sad to say). How can someone just forget? I guess people had to actually see her breathing in order to remember she really did exist. I could just imagine how crazy he is going to think I am when he finds out that I am going to have a celebration for her birthday. Oh well I really do not care, the people that truly loved her will be there and that is all that matters to me.

People often ask me what can they do for me and really it is simple, remember my daughter. I know it is hard for people to bring her up in conversation because they did not know her, so I’ve been told. Well they can ask me anything they want; I would love to answer any question they may have. I love to talk about her. Are they afraid to make me cry? Well to be honest they make me cry either way by never mentioning her. This is why this baby loss community means so much to me because they mention her name all the time. I love it, I love to open an email or see comments saying they are thinking of us. I am not asking for a pity party but a simple thinking of you message would be great, especially from family. People always say “we are here for you,” really? Well where you the first weeks after her passing? Not calling us or visiting us that’s for sure. I know I live far from my family but that has never stopped me from visiting them all the time. Now I just made myself angry thinking of all of this. I will just end this now before I really speak my mind and offend people. Pray that I have better days soon please.

I need a little help here

2010-06-24T14:50:00.000-07:00

My friend Vicky asked me to help her with the memorial programs for Briana's services, can you guys please help me? Any suggestions, pictures, poems or readings I will take. She is going to be having a butterfly release. Her service will be Saturday so I need to think quickly. THANK YOU in advance.

Prayer request

2010-06-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

Please pray for my friend Vicky and her family. On Saturday night her 10 year old daughter Briana passed away.

When I got the text this weekend, I just froze. This world is not fair!!!!!!! I remember visiting Briana at the hospital the day she was born. How fast time flies. Briana had cancer and has been battling it for a long time now. Please keep them in your prayers.

If anyone could write her name, I would greatly appreciate it. I would love Vicky to know that Briana is being thought of. You can send it to my email at lisarry99@yahoo.com

Thank you!

Blog anniversarry

2010-06-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Last year on this day I created my blog. My first blog post, it was simple. I didn't know where it was going to take me but I just needed to write. My friend Paula had just created one and told me I should do that same. I am so thankful that I did! Both of our daughter's had a heart defect. It has been a blessing to see her daughter Hope thrive and do so well. That little girl is really a miracle!

Last year, I said something good would come of all this and boy has it. Sami may not be here with me physically but she has made good things happen. I know she has touched many lives, more than I ever imagined. Because of her I have met so many wonderful women who have gotten me through the most difficult days. Recently I received an email from a girl in the Philippines who came across my blog. Her son was recently diagnosed with Encephalocele, so like all of us with a new diagnosis she googled it. With not much out there on that she stumbled on my blog. We have emailed each other a few times. Her most recent scan showed that he does not have any other problems and that is great news. Please keep her and the baby in your prayers. She is 26 weeks pregnant at the moment. I am sad that she has to spend so many weeks wondering what will happen. I was once there, scared beyond belief. I am praying for a great outcome for her and the baby.
I was going to have a blog giveaway for this but today came so fast so I will have to have the giveaway at a later date. Today for me is a day of reflection. I have not gone back and read any of my old post, perhaps because those emotions I felt are still so strong. I know one day I will be able to go back and read them. Today is just one day at a time, one foot in front of another.
THANK YOU for everyone who has been so supportive this past year, if I didn't have this blog I am not sure how I would have managed to cope. This has been such a wonderful blessing in my life. I never imagined how many doors would open for me because of this blog. So happy blogversarry to me!!! I am still not sure how long it will last or what other road it will lead me to but today tells me I will be here for a while. I hope that Sami's blog has helped you in some way and I hope you will continue to walk along side me.

Sami, this is all for you baby! I miss and love you so much. Julian thought of you last night but I am sure you already know that. I know you come and play with him often. He knows you are with Jesus and with your Tia Marie. Thank you for letting him be the messenger, brings me such comfort.

Happy 1st Birthday in heaven Nolan

2010-06-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

Happy 1st Birthday to baby Nolan in heaven today.
Please stop by and give his mommy Ashley (A ruby family) a few encouraging words since today is a really emotional day for her. When I first started this blog almost a year ago this is one of the first blogs I started following. Nolan's life really touched my heart and continues to do so. Ashley is just an amazing person. Ashley wishing and praying for strength today. I know Nolan is going to send you many hugs today that will warm with you with peace.

Today, I am feeling better. Monday's I swear just wear me out. I had a client call in to work. He was very happy to know that I am back and so on. He kept talking and talking, asking questions about the baby (he knew I was on maternity leave). I couldn't stop him and finally when I did I had to tell him that my baby girl was no longer with me, that in itself is already difficult. His response was "oh well at least you still have your son", WTF????? Excuse my language. Really? People really speak without thinking, I hate that. I always try to make the best of Monday's but something always has to happen to bring me down. I have learned to just ignore comments like that and do my job but from now on I asked to never have to speak to that client again. One day it's going to just set me off and someone is going to see the not so nice side of me. I feel it coming and it scares me.
Julian was also having a bad Monday too, thank God that by the end of the night he was able to calm down. He sweetened up my night by giving me kisses and talking about the baby. I have to record him one day and post it on here, it is just the cutest thing ever. I hope he always remembers her. Well Monday is behind me for the moment, today I am just going to count my blessings and hope for a much better day.

My wandering mind

2010-06-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have been everywhere these days. I am angry, sad, happy and all of the above. I am particularly sad to hear that there are new little angels in heaven this week. But I am saddened more because I could remember so clearly the raw emotions of the early days of grief. I pray for their mother’s and father’s.

Angry because I don’t always understand why God makes good people suffer. One of my dear friend’s is pretty ill with arthritis and lupus. Her son’s are still so young, it just doesn’t seem fair. She has such a strong faith in God. I am angry that He doesn’t catch my friend a little break. I know faith doesn’t work that way although I wish it would. I shouldn’t be angry with God because after all he is watching Sami for me and I should be thanking him.

Happy that people there are some ladies that I truly care about that are pregnant. I am really happy for them and praying all goes well. I am really looking forward to see all these healthy babies in 2010.

Thankful that Julian didn’t get electrocuted the other day while we were having dinner at a restaurant. He took out some keys from my purse and in a second stuck one key into the wall outlet. The restaurant should have had those covered but I can’t blame them for that. My son is 2 and extremely curious. There are memories of sparks and my honey shielding Julian from them. He had daddy super powers that day. Had he been there a second later I am not sure what would have happened. At the restaurant there is a black outlet now and I have a melted key but Julian is OK and that is all that matters to me. Of course it had to happen on a Monday. Monday’s suck by the way!

Scared but I think I am ready to start trying to add to our family. I know our family will never be complete but I do feel like I need to do this. No one will ever replace Sami of course and I am not trying to do that. I think after my dream of Marie holding a baby and telling me he will be with me soon, it gave me peace of mind.

Hurt because I feel let down by so many people with this whole grieving process. I DON’T expect people to go out their way for me but it would be nice to have non loss person call me once in a while to just ask how I am doing or better yet just send a text once in while. I feel like they feel I should somehow be better by now and I should my old normal self. I don’t even want to get into that at the moment. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Thank you to everyone that has stuck my side and shown me that I am really cared about. You have no idea how much that really means to me. Have a great weekend!!!

Hello blog world

2010-05-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have not blogged in forever. I start to but something comes up and I never finish! So the other day I had to go to emergency because I had been having a really bad pain in my stomach for 3 days. Thank goodness it was nothing serious it was just an ulcer, gastritis and a bladder infection. They gave me meds and I will survive. I felt like a big baby but really the pain was pretty bad. Anyhow, I was back at the hospital. Another side of it that I had never seen, I sat there waiting to be called just people watching like I always do. There are some weird people at hospitals, lol! Anyhow, I was filling out forms and of course one of the questions was “number of live births”… Why does it have to say “live”? What about the mother’s who give birth to a still baby? Do those births not count? That is a question’s that needs to be revised on all the hospital forms. I hate that so much. They carried a child for goodness sake, why don’t they count? It’s not fair…. See things like this make me mad and that is why I got this stupid ulcer, lol!

They finally called my name and it was time for an ultra sound, uugghh did I really have to do this? I had to really talk myself into not crying. I feel like I was going through post traumatic syndrome or something. I was all hot and breathing pretty fast even before I laid down on the table. I knew there was no baby to see, no heart beat to hear so I don’t understand why it affected me that much. I think the tech noticed something was up because she told me not to worry because it wasn’t going to hurt. I felt like telling her I had a million of them I know they don’t hurt but the last time they did this, Sami was kicking away pushing that Doppler away. 7 months ago I had one and she was still alive! Is it going to be like when I have another baby? I get scared thinking about it, nothing is certain not even a rainbow baby. Then that got me wondering about how I am going to feel being pregnant again, will my fear allow me to enjoy it? It’s not going to fair to future baby that I will constantly be worried but I guess that only comes naturally to someone who has already been through a loss before. I keep reading about happy stories about children after a loss and of course that gives me hope but it’s always in the back of my mind, what if? There is no way I can say good bye to another one of my children, my heart really couldn’t handle that. I talked to my doctor a few weeks ago (never finished that post). He said what Sami had was pretty rare and he really believes it will not happen again but still. He was really nice and said he is looking forward to delivering a healthy baby for me to take home. I hope he is right, I want that too. So from this point on, if it happens I will welcome it with open arms. I just hope that I don’t hear from anyone that having another baby is going to help me “move on”. I will punch someone if they say that to me. Moving on is not an option, it’s just adjusting my life without her.

Sami, I really miss you. I have started to get things together for your memorial service. I want it to be perfect just like you! I want the world to know how much you have touched our lives. Tomorrow you will be 7 months!!! Time has gone by so fast sweetheart but I haven’t forgotten anything about you. All the memories are still so vivid in my mind, even down to your scent. The other day another butterfly came and landed on me, I knew it was you again, thank you I really needed that. This is the butterfly, I set it on the flowers in my mom's backyard to take a picture of it. I wish I had my camera with me (this one is from my phone).

On a good note, my nephew graduated this weekend from Cal State Fullerton. Marie’s dream was always to see him graduate. I know she was watching from above. As I sat there for hours at the graduation I was wondering if Marie was looking down below.

I looked up and I seen this…. I knew she was there with us celebrating his accomplishment. He put this on his cap for Marie, so cute!!

Happy Birthday Janessa Marie

2010-05-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

Wishing Janessa Marie a Happy 1st Birthday in heaven today.

One year ago today you came and touched your mommy's life forever. Please send her a little sign to let her know that you are doing well and watching over her. Your mommy, daddy and big brother miss you so much. Janessa you have touched my life in so many ways so I want to thank you for that on your special day. Please stop by her Malory's blog today and send her some love as today is a difficult day for her.

So many life changing events happen in a blink of eye. This week I was setting up my new laptop and I put in Sami's video footage from the hospital. I wish I had more of her but we really weren't thinking clearly that morning. I am blessed the video that I do have so I will not complain one bit about that. Julian meeting her for the first time, her movements, sounds and most of all her beauty. I feel like showing it to the world just to show that she was real, she was alive and she someone who danced on earth and not just in my belly. It seems like only days after that she was forgotten by many. I have proof that I held an angel in my arms, I can never get those moments out of my mind. She remains like a permanent fixture in my heart. I wish she would to many other's as well.

So many mother's are reaching this one year mark and it seems so unreal. Your one day further from that moment when they were in your arms yet one day closer to being reunited with them. Yet we are here stuck in the middle and that is the most difficult to understand. Living with so many shattered dreams and an ache in your heart that will NEVER go away. Life moves on for me it feels like it is a stand still most of the time, stuck in the middle trying to make my way through life. Lately I have been feeling so sad that I just want to hide from it all.

Sami, mommy misses you so much!!!

One year ago today

2010-05-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

May 6th last year I woke up so excited because I was going to go to the perinatologist for a special ultrasound. The first real peak at the little baby growing in my belly. I made sure I got to work on time so that I could leave early without feeling guilty. I got there, signed in and waited. They finally called my name and took me into the nice little room. It was a nice room with all new equipment. My husband could not go with me because of work but I was totally ok with that. I was 11 weeks at this point and was in the for the Nuchal Translucency test.

So it began... the young nurse started the measurements and was really talkative while doing so. Then she measured again and again. Then the room was quiet and she said the doctor would be in a moment. The doctor walked in and re measured the baby again, she was quite and looked so serious that I even asked her if everything was OK. She just said “I will go over everything with you in a moment", again the nurse was back printing and printing all the screen shots. I thought I was going to be able to start a new album just on this one visit. My heart was pounding and that 45 minutes felt like an eternity. The lights came on, I sat there waiting and waiting some more.

Then they said they seen something really wrong given the measurements that they took. This was new to me because this test was not given to me when I was pregnant with Julian. They were measuring the fluid in the back of the neck. (This is normally less than 2.5mm and when seen increased greater than 2.5mm, see image on the right may indicate the baby has Down syndrome or may indicate another chromosomal abnormality. 95% of measurements will indicate a reduced risk).

I was measuring at 7.5!!!! Right away they asked me to make an appointment with the genetic counselor. They asked me if I wanted I could have the CVS test done. At that point I was scared and confused. I just wanted to get out of there, I wanted to run away. I opted not to get that test done that day. I made an appointment for the following week to speak to the genetic counselor. So I walked out, crying, shaking with a new word in my vocabulary that I had never heard of or needed to use, hydrocephalus.

Just two hours before that I was such a happy pregnant person with no care in the world. In such a short time my life had changed. So many selfish thoughts crossed my mind, I hate to admit. How was I going to possibly raise a child with a defect? I hate myself for thinking those thoughts but I would be lying if I said that never crossed my mind. What about Julian I thought, he was still so little. We would have to give so much attention to this new little person and I thought he would be affected by that without having a choice in it. Never did it cross my mind that the defect that my baby had was not compatible with life, death was something I never thought of, not even at that point. I was just feeling sorry for myself that my life would be so different. I prayed to God to give me the strength to be able to accept my fate. I hate myself for thinking so selfishly!!!

I called my husband and cried and cried, I could barely speak. I wasn’t able to go back to work. I went to pick up Julian from my mom’s, I held him so tight and I cried some more. From that day on, my nightmare roller coaster began. My husband didn’t want to believe that there was something wrong. He looked and looked at the picture they had given me and he cried too. It was clear that there was a lot of fluid there. We were both so scared; our pregnancy was no longer full of blissful joy it was tainted with fear. I think from that point on I was no longer able to sleep well. The following week we had the CVS test done, waiting for the results was just nerve wrecking, horrible. I think I cried everyday for those 2 weeks. I didn’t enjoy those two weeks; I took my pregnancy for granted. At that point I had no idea what was really going on.

Jenna's 1st Birthday!!!!

2010-05-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

Happy 1st Birthday Jenna!!!!

Jenna, I hope you send some extra love to your mommy today, she loves and misses you so much. Please stop by and send her mommy Franchesca some love. I know today is going to a hard day for her. She just gave birth yesterday to her son Joseph. He is a little early, please keep those prayers coming for their family. Please visit Small Bird Studio blog today for a wonderful giveaway that will last all week. Franchesca, thank you for being to kind to us all, you are such a beautiful person. You always have the most beautiful things to say to me and I cannot thank you enough. Sending you many many cyber ((hugs)) today! May God above be gentle with your heart today.

I also wanted to say thank to everyone who sent me birthday wishes, it really meant so much to me!
Just want to share some adorable Birthday wishes I got from Antoinette (thank you so much)!

The BABIES Are Coming!

2010-05-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

I am sure a lot of you must have gotten this email from the March of Dimes. I love babies and I realize that they are just trying to document how different babies live throughout the world however around the world babies die, what about that? Why not do a realistic movie about that? It is not always cutesie and life don't always have a happy ending. I know they are not trying to bring people down but it's not about that, death happens and it happens to many babies, it's reality. I know they are trying to market and make money. Most people want to watch a feel good movie. I am sure proceeds will go to help them but on Mother's day weekend!!! You will not find me watching this movie. I am already dreading Mother's day like would not believe. Yes, I am blessed and I have many things to be grateful for. Julian is amazing and I am blessed to have him in life but this year Sami was supposed to be here with me too. I should be picking out the cutest little dress for her so we can take many pictures to add to my collection. This year I feel let down by own body who couldn't create a perfectly healthy baby again. Uuugghhh... I am just being a little bitter today.

Email from MOD:

The BABIES Are Coming!

In celebration of March for Babies, the March of Dimes is excited to announce a national partnership with the new Focus Features' movie BABIES!

BABIES opens in theatres May 7th, Mother's Day weekend. Directed by award-winning filmmaker Thomas Balmès, from an original idea by producer Alain Chabat, this film simultaneously follows four babies on an epic journey — from first breath to first steps.

The children are, respectively, in order of on-screen introduction: Ponijao, who lives with her family near Opuwo, Namibia; Bayarjargal, who resides with his family in Mongolia, near Bayanchandmani; Mari, who lives with her family in Tokyo, Japan; and Hattie, who resides with her family in the United States, in San Francisco.

Re-defining the nonfiction art form, BABIES joyfully captures on film the earliest stages of the journey of humanity that are at once unique and universal to us all.

Make plans to see BABIES with a group! Learn about group sales or call 1-800-4BABIES for more information.

Visit babiesthemovie.com.

Monday and 32!

2010-05-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

I am not big on Monday's then this Monday I turn 32, blah is all I have to say. Today should be a happy day, a day of reflection and accomplishments. Not this day... today I am reflecting on the fact that one year ago today Sami was still alive in me and today she is not. Last year I was celebrating with family and friends and life was good. People were touching my belly guessing if I was carrying a boy or a girl. I was happy a year ago, I was happy to have a baby in my belly. One year later, my life is filled with grief. Sami is not here, Marie is not here so what is there to celebrate. Maybe next year I will but not today.

I am really sad and feeling blue. Marie never forgot my birthday, she always called me, gave me beautiful card and always made me feel special on this day. It's not fair that I can't have that this year. I am supposed to hear her tell me that Sami is watching over me and that she misses me. Does anyone remember those monchichi dolls? Well for my 4th birthday Marie and my brother bought me one. It came in a huge white box with a red bow, I sat on the kitchen table and opened it. That was the best birthday ever!!!! My monchichi was like my child, I took her everywhere I went. 28 years later and she is still with me, funny huh? Anyhow, those are the birthday's I like to remember. Also my 30th, my husband had me a huge party, bar tender and all. Marie actually took a shot with me! Good times!

This year I am here at home angry at the world. I wish I could just fast forward today. My highlight was Julian singing his happy song to me and telling on his daddy that he bought me balloons, flowers and a cake. Julian is so cute! I should stop my pity party and count my blessings, I have been blessed for 32 years and I will continue to be as long as there is a breath in me. God has been great to me even though some days I don't always feel that way.

Yesterday was International Babyloss Mother's Day. I had a pretty busy day with a First Communion that I wasn't able to listen live on Anchored by Hope but I did hear it later. If you click on the link you can here it for yourself. It was beautiful, I was so glad to be able to hear the voices of people who have been so helpful to me on this journey. I wasn't able to send a message to everyone but I wanted to wish you each one of you a Happy Mother's Day to you.

6 months today

2010-04-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I hate Monday's? Especially today because Sami would be exactly 6 months. I am supposed to be holding her today and giving her tons of kisses. Julian should be saying happy birthday and singing his "happy, happy, cha cha" song for her.
This really sucks, today is a very emotional day for me. I feel so sad and angry because this is not fair! I know, I know "everything happens for a reason" well today that just sounds like BS to me. What is the purpose of making me suffer so much, what did I so badly in this life to deserve this? My anger is not towards God or anyone is particular. Death is part of life but I just wish it wasn't part of mine.
I wonder what Sami would look like today, would she have some of my personality in her? Would her hair still be wavy like mine? I hate having so many questions that will always be unanswered. I forgot to post last week that I had a dream and she was in it. Marie was holding her by the hand, she was a toddler. I knew it was her but I couldn't see her features or anything. They were far away from me. Marie had a baby in her arms in a light blue wrap, she looked so peaceful (that I remember clearly). Marie said to me "I have your son Joseph here with me but he will be coming home to you soon". I woke up right after that, so of course that has been in my head for the past week now. I know I am not pregnant but is she trying to tell me something? I still feel like I am not ready and I honestly I don't think I ever will. It is something that just has to happen and then I know I will do just fine. I hope the natural mom in me will come back. I do think it is weird that it was a boy in my dreams because I was telling my honey a few months back that when we have another baby I just have a feeling that it will be boy. So now if it does happen and it is boy his name will have to definitely have Joseph in it (Franchesca, I am not trying to steal your name, lol). That would just be so weird and again just confirms that babies are heaven sent. Before I was pregnant with Julian, my honey's uncle passed away (a month before or so) and he told I was going to get pregnant soon with a boy and well he was right! That is why Julian's middle name is Salvador after him, I just had to include his name because he sure did tell me my son was soon to come into our lives, amazing that things like that happen. We will just have to wait and see that my future holds but today I am at a stand still because I cannot believe it has already been 6 months.

Sami, mommy misses you so much. Happy 6 month Birthday! I wish I could hold you and kiss you today. Julian was thinking a lot about you yesterday, he even fell asleep with your blanket. He was crying for baby, held your blanket and was fast asleep for his afternoon nap. How I wish you were here so you could feel his love first hand. I know that he will always hold a special place in his heart for you. I get sad that he only has your blanket to hold but it makes me happy to know how much he loves you so. Daddy and I love you so much too. Daddy was really sad that he wasn't able to make to the walk the other day. You helped me make a difference and raise so much money for the March of Dimes. You still continue to touch so many lives.

P.S baby girl, please continue to walk along side your Tia Marie, tell her we love and miss her too!

March of Dimes walk

2010-04-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share my photos from the walk this morning. It was such an honor to be there walking amongst all those people. It was nice to see many survivors as well. The cutest little beings. I was really surprised about the whole dove release. They called me and asked to do that last week but I thought I was going to be doing it with others. I released one dove and another lady as well. Her husband just passed away a few weeks ago and he was a huge part of the March of Dimes organization. Sami's story was shared and it was very emotional. Looking out to the crowd and knowing I was there because of her it was so overwhelming to say the least. After that 21 other doves were released for all the other angel baby's. A few mom's who felt the same pain as me were also emotional. I understand, it was hard for me to hold it in too. I just wanted to reach out to them and tell them that I understand what they are going through.

It was a beautiful day and I was surrounded by my closest friend's and family, I couldn't have asked for anything more, wait yes I can .... for my honey to have been there to see for himself that Sami has touched many lives. I just wanted to share my photos with all of you, enjoy and have a great weekend.

Again THANK YOU to everyone for sponsoring our team "On Angel's Wings" together we raised $3060!!! Hooray!!! There are still some donations that have not been added to that total yet.

Photos: http://picasaweb.google.com/Lisette0503/20100424?feat=directlink

A nice little weekend

2010-04-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Finally we were able to get away for a few days. We spent a few days in Las Vegas which was really nice. My brother’s participated in the Baker to Vegas run that is for law enforcement officers. Talk about teamwork, 20 people to run 120 miles in the desert. It was hot during the day and cold at night, no matter what time they ran it was uncomfortable. It was nice to go and see them participate in such a big event. I know this year for my brother Carlos it was especially hard since Marie wasn’t there to cheer him on. He was able to get through and make the best of it. I am proud of them both. Hopefully next year my 2 other brother’s will participate as well. We attended 2 BBQ’s hosted by the homicide department and Carlos’s station as well. Very nice, very different, never seen those parts of Vegas. Julian did very well on the drive to there and back. He was throwing tic-tac’s at my head, laughing away on the way over there and sleeping on the way back. I could just imagine how he will be later on when he is 21! Excited to go there but tired on the way home.

This is a picture of my brother Carlos and his family before the run. It was pretty hot out (92) and he was running at 1pm. I don't have a picture to share of my other brother running. He ran when it was cold at 1am!

This is him finally done with his leg of the race, I believe he ran 6.8 miles. I really wish Marie was there to chear him on at this finish line. I know she was there is spirit.

Well the March of Dimes walk is going to be this Saturday. I am a little nervous only because I do not know how I will do emotionally. My honey might not be able to make it because he is out of town for work again. He is going to try but more likely he will not be able to get the day off, I will just cross my fingers and hope he does. On my way to Vegas I was called by some lady named Rita. She is the main person in charge for the Inland Empire chapter of the walk. She called to congratulate me on our teams fundraising, so far $2,395 I am beyond excited about that. She asked me why we were walking and I told her about Sami. She was very nice and she told me she would be honored to personally meet me that morning and asked me to meet her at a designated VIP tent. She said they would mention Sami’s name before the walk and give me a dove to release in her honor. I really hope that I am able to that without breaking down. I am happy that a few people have signed up to walk with me, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt about certain people not signing up. I didn’t get team shirts made because I really didn’t know who and how many were going to sign up so I didn’t want to just spend money that I don’t have. My best friend’s and her fiance came up with a team logo and I love it. I got a shirt made for myself, my honey and Julian. We are going to get some stickers made for the people that are walking with us to put on the day of the walk. I can’t wait to take a group photo to share with all of you. Again, I want to thank everyone who has donated money to our team “On Angel’s Wings”.

Our beautiful team logo, thank you to Jomie and Ricky. You guys are awesome for being so creative. Of course the pink halo with the daisy's came from Sami's little flower that she had one and that I now have on her bear. So pretty, I love this!.

To Anonymous...

2010-04-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone is able to voice their thoughts and opinions. I gave it much thought to have my comments reviewed before they actually appear but I decided not too, now I am a little conflicted about that. On my last post from earlier today I wrote how people just do not comprehend what it is like to have to say goodbye to your child forever.

Someone left this comment:

Anonymous wrote: "People realize that you have gone through something heartbreaking but how can you start the healing process if you keep reflecting on the past".

My response to that: Anonymous, for starters you are coward since you did not want to leave your name. YOU are the reason why I wrote that post, stupid people like you who say stupid ass comments like this! You helped me prove my point. The "past" that you are talking about is MY DAUGHTER that lived my womb. The daughter that kicked and squirmed in my belly for 38 weeks. The daughter that was breathing the same air as me for 1 hour and 40 minutes. The daughter that was taken from arms only to be taken to some mortuary while I cried my ass off like never before. So NO I cannot stop reflecting on "the past". I am so angry right now I could scream!!!!!

I will NEVER be able move on from this, how could you be so insentive? I am sure I my life will take on many different roads but that does NOT mean that I will not feel the this void in my heart forever. She can never be replaced or just thought of as "something" that could just be forgotten.

You obviously have not been through this so maybe you should think before you speak (or write)!!! If you thought in some way that your words were good words of advice, go back and read it over again. An intellegent person knows that people are made of their past, because of her I am who I am today. A woman who does not take life for granted, a stronger person in faith, a person who knows how to be compassionate, loving and considerate of other's feeling unlike you. As angry as I am, I still would not wish this upon you or anyone else for that matter.

This is real

2010-04-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Why are people so afraid to talk about infant death? It’s real and unfortunately it has happened too many of us. For us it is a reality that we are forced into and we cannot control it. It is ugly, it is painful and it hurts like hell. It is something most people block out of their minds and I get it. I was once one of those people that thought it cannot happen to me. Death was never a looming thought in my head, at least not about my own child. How I miss those days where I did not have to think of death. Now death is a like black cloud over me.

So people, it is real, it does happen and it is reality. It is a way of life that I will never get used to. The only thing I have to get used to now is people making stupid comments without thinking about how much they hurt. I have to get used the fact that my daughter will be forgotten to many people that I once cared about. Her name will not be spoken of, her birthday will not be remembered and I will continue to just be a mom to Julian, not a mom to two children in their eyes. For me on the other hand I will cherish the memories of holding her in my womb for 38 weeks and do whatever it takes to makes sure that she knows she will never be forgotten. The pictures I have that make many uncomfortable will continue to brighten my day. For those people, sorry it makes you uncomfortable to see my precious baby but there is nothing you can do about it. Turn around and continue to be naïve that things like this do not happen. I hope and pray that no one else has to say goodbye to their child but I am not God and I cannot control that. I really wish I could because this life is not easy.

Sami, mommy and daddy miss you so much. As the days goes by it seems like it gets harder to be without you. We are going to walk next weekend for you and so far we have had many people make donations in your honor. We have raised $2,075 as of today and we will continue to raise more in the days to come. I hope you will be smiling down on us that day. We love you baby girl!

Easter Sunday

2010-04-07T12:39:00.001-07:00

Our family photo on Easter. I wish I had her to actually hold instead of having to hold the bear that carries her ashes. One day baby girl we will meet again, I really believe that.

Julian being a good big brother and holding Sami. He is so gentle with this bear, he really knows just how special that bear is. Yes, he is wearning green golashes, he refuses to wear any other shoes! It's been a phase I can't get him out of, one day he will look back and hopefully laugh. I love my son!

A little late on this Easter holiday post. I said I was never going to take Sami’s urn anywhere but we just felt the need to bring her along with us. This Easter was much harder than Christmas for me and for my husband. I suppose because last year she was growing in my belly already and I was sharing my pregnancy news with my family, how nice last year was! This year Marie was also missing and that just made it that much harder on me and my entire family. Our family is broken, things will never be the same no matter how much we try. I hate it when people say to give it time like if time is going to make our wounds heal. Yes, we will learn to cope better and move forward but time will never make “it” heal. Usually people that say that are people who have never had a loss like ours. Anyhow, we took Sami along with us for Easter. It was nice, everyone was happy to see her there. If it was weird for them they never showed it, which I am thankful for. She is in the background of many pictures and that makes me smile. Not in the way I ever imagined but she is there alright.

Last year I was imagining buying the cutest outfit and making the cutest basket for my child and this year I was holding a bear that carries my daughter’s ashes.
My husband had an emotional day as well. I am glad that he is not afraid to show his emotions in front of me. A few times he had to take a walk to the front yard because he didn’t want to cry in front of my entire family, I don’t blame him. Later on at home we cried together. We had not done that in a while, it was nice. He had been gone for work for the last two weeks and I missed having him there to listen to me. He such a beautiful person and I am so thankful for him. We speak of Sami everyday but this was different. I am glad to know that he misses her as much as I do and he also feels the same way in regards to how much things have changed. It is really nice to have those conversations just to see where we both are emotionally. We both agree that it is getting harder to be without her, it is really real that she will never come to us in this life. People are definitely back to their normal lives and here we are trying to figure that part out for ourselves. We should be getting excited because she would be starting to sit up and now there is no excitement just sadness in our hearts.

I asked my sister to bring me the rest of Sami’s blankets that she used at the hospital. She had taken them with to wash them and I wasn’t in a rush to get them back. I opened the bag and there they were along with her pink beanie. The last time I held them they were gently wrapped around her. Now they were nicely folded and showed no signs that they once warmed her little body. I looked for any signs of blood and there wasn’t any. I didn’t want to see the blood necessary but in a way I did because that would have been proof that she was there. I know it’s weird but I can’t help it. How I wish I would have other ways to remember her by. I wish I had more time with her, I wish I had more pictures but more than anything I wish she was here being spoiled by her daddy. She would have been such a daddy’s girl. I feel so bad when I see a dad hold his baby girl and my honey just looks at them with such sad eyes. I sometimes feel like I carry most of the heart ache but no my honey does too. Sami took a part of us with her. We miss her so much everyday.

Beautiful Blogger Award X2

2010-04-06T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have been nominated by Malory and Jennifer for the Beautiful Blog Award! Thank you so much for the award, I am honored! Malory gave me this honor a few weeks ago but I just hadn't posted on it, a little late, sorry!

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

OK so 7 things about me...

1. I am the baby of 10! I have 8 brothers and 1 sister. My parents have 23 grandchildren, 1 grandchild in heaven and 3 great grandchildren. Family get together's are crazy and loud but of course always an adventure. I wouldn't change it for the world.

2. I totally have OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder). All labels have to be facing one way at my house and at work, especially the refrigerator. I have a thing with even #'s. The volume in the car when I get out has be on station #6 volume 4! When I go to sleep the volume also has be on 4 and channel 11 (that is an odd # but in my head 1+1=2 therefore it's an even #), my husband is a good sport and just goes along with me. There are more but I will stop there. It is really annoying but for me it's just a way of life.

3. Spanish was my first language, I speak Spanish fluently (although throughout the years I struggle more with Spanish since I generally only speak English).

4. I really enjoy camping and riding my banshee (quad). I haven't been out much lately but I do plan on setting up some trips soon and actually go riding. Although, I have to admit with my husband doing all kids of modifications to it, it kind of scares me because it is crazy fast now.

5. I really enjoy party planning. With such a big family I get to do that quite often. I did a pretty good job at planning my wedding on my own and there was over 350 guests.

6. My favorite color is green and that just happens to be my birth stone (emerald).

7. I definately do not match the car I drive... I am really short and I look really funny getting out of our huge dually Dodge truck or our lifted jeep wrangler! People always think it looks weird.

Now it is my turn to nominate 7 other great bloggers, and the award goes to.....

1. Michelle at Loving Audrey

2. Katy at In Hanna's Honor

3. Paula at Hope's blog

4. Nicolle at One who flys above and one who flutters within

5.Celia at Beauty from pain

6.Brandy at A mother's love

7. Ashley at Nolan's story

I did it!!!

2010-03-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

I survived the hospital visit. Walking in was a little weird. Room 302 where Julian was born was open and vacant. Thankfully the little nursery for sick babies was also vacant. That made me feel better to know that at that moment there wasn't a mom crying or worried for her baby. Everything was peaceful and calm and the nurses at the nurses station seemed to be in a jolly mood.

I held my breath as I opened to door to my friend's room and in a second I let out a sigh of relief. I feel a little bad that I didn't look at the baby instantly but went to give her a hug first. There he was a sleeping healthy baby boy. Something about seeing him just calmed my nerves, he just seemed so at peace. I sat and chatted with her and her husband and then it began, he started to fuss and cry. I wasn't planning on picking him up but they were not getting up either, it was awkward for a little bit until I convinced myself that I could do it. Maybe the feeling of being able to comfort him would bring me comfort and it did. I tried to get him as comfortable as possible but he was still not having it, he was one hungry little guy. He was like a little bird trying to find food, it was cute. I was going to hand him over to his mom but she handed me a bottle instead. So I grabbed it and started to feed him. I did just fine, he was eating away. It was nice to see such an innocent little being, nothing to worry about except for eating. He quickly finished his bottle and he burped away. I gently placed him back and said my goodbyes.

I am glad my visit was short and sweet. It actually felt good walking out of there knowing that I was able to actually hold a baby without crying my eyes out. It was easier I think because he is a boy, had it been a little girl I know I would not have the strength to be that brave. With time I am sure I will feel differently. It feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted of my shoulders. You have idea how much this was weighing on me. Who would have ever thought that holding and seeing a baby can take so much energy out of someone, especially since before I would volunteer to hold any newborn. I won't be taking care of babies anytime soon but I have taken one giant step ahead for now.

Thank you so much for all the support.

Wish me luck...

2010-03-30T10:33:00.001-07:00

I can do this…. My co worker just had her son yesterday and I am going to attempt to visit her today. I am a little scared only because she delivered at the same hospital where Julian was born and I did not have the best experience there. I think this little visit is just going to remind me how sad I was at that hospital but I am going to try to not think of that. I was devastated to see Julian being taken out of there by ambulance to another hospital. How helpless I felt because there was nothing I could do for him. Julian was not breathing well because he has meconium in his lungs. Sami’s apgar scores were better than his, Julian was blue when he was born and was breathing under 10 breaths per minute. It was a really hard to watch him struggle to breath especially when that could have been avoided if the doctor would have just done a c-section many hours before. I was terrified to say the least. After 33 hours of labor I don’t know how I managed to get the strength to get up and be by his side while they were trying to get his stable and find a hospital to send him to. It never crossed my mind that delivering at a small hospital without a NICU was probably not wise. I remember when we did the hospital tour and they showed us the room where they would put the baby in if there were to be an emergency. I am never one to speak up and ask questions but I did because it kind of scared to see such a small space for that. I asked where they would be taken to and what type of transportation would be used. I didn’t plan on needing those services. A hard lesson learned, thank God Julian is doing well now and nothing major happened to him. Soon after that I changed my doctors so that I could have one who would deliver my future baby at a bigger facility, maybe I jinxed myself because I picked one that specializes is high risk and well we all know that story. Why can’t I just come home with a healthy baby in my arms? One day, one day, I just need to think positive and remind myself that good things can happen to me once again.

I can do this, I can’t avoid babies forever. After last week I need to do this for myself. I need to face it, deal with it and be able to move on so that I can avoid another anxiety attack like last week. I managed to go into the store and walk through the baby section to get her son a little gift. It was not bad and I assume because it was a boy, had it been a girl I would have been crying. I was seriously in and out of there quickly, so fast that I did not even notice the baby girl stuff. That Target visit was the fastest I have ever done, my husband would be so proud. So back to the point, I am going to face my hospital fears and take her some lunch. Wish me luck!!!

Just wanted to share

2010-03-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to post these lovely pictures to show off my necklace that Heather made for me at In our Heart Pendants. I wear it proudly all the time. Heather Thank you so much, I have gotten so many compliments when I wear it.

Happy 5th month Birthday is Heaven my angels...

2010-03-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

I miss you everyday baby girls. I love you more and more everyday. Not a moment goes by that I do not think of you and remember that precious little face of yours. It feels like just yesterday I gazed into your little eyes. The past few months have been really difficult for me without you here but I know that today you walk along side Jesus and you are taken care of better than I could have ever taken care of you. You and Faith are together rejoicing in our heavenly kingdom with no pain and suffering and that brings me so much comfort. I often sit and think about the magical place you both call home, I can’t even begin to imagine all the beauty that you both are surrounded by.
There are days when the selfish part of me is angry that I do not get to see you laugh and play and then it seems like you find a way to let to me how happy and at peace you are and it calms me down. I know God loves you so much that he could not be without you. I have heard many people say “God always takes the good one’s first” and that is so true because you’re perfect in everyway, you are way too good for this world.

Sami, your strength just makes me so proud of you. For 38 weeks you carried the weight for you and your sister Faith and I know that was not an easy task for you. I am amazed that with your broken little heart and your hurt little tummy you managed to still be with me for 1 hour and 40 minutes. I can still hear those precious little sounds you made; it is still music to my ears. You never showed that you were in any pain or had any type discomfort. Perhaps you just did not want me to see you hurt because you know how weak your mommy can sometimes be. I honestly do not know how you did it, you were one strong little girl! You definitely showed me what it is to be strong. When you left to be with God you closed your little eye and peacefully went to sleep. At that time my heart knew you had received your angel wings but in my head I just could not accept the fact that you were no longer here. I am sorry that I cried so much over you when I should have just let you see and feel the joy you brought into my life. How I wish I could have done something to save you and cure all your ills. I am sorry I could not do more for you. You were here only for a brief moment with me but you filled my heart with so much joy and love to last a lifetime.

Thank you so much for always being with your big brother Julian. You always make sure he knows you are with Jesus and now with your Tia Marie. I love those days when he lets me know he can see you and feel you near by. Those moments always make me smile. I love you, I love you, and I love you! I can say that a million times but it will never be enough to prove to you how much I really mean that.

I promise you that as long as there is a breath in me, I will never forget you. I cannot wait for the day we can meet each other again my sweet angels. For now please continue to watch over us. Sweet dreams my little angels…

I love you forever,
I like you for always
As long as I am living
My baby you will be…

Why did you take her? I cry to God. He said, she wasn't yours to keep. But why her? Why did you have to choose her?” quietly I plea. I didn't choose her, I chose you” His answer boldly came. I don't understand” I replied. And He answered me once AGAIN; I needed a mother for an angel. Not just any person would do. I needed someone very special, and that's why I chose you. I needed someone with strength of heart, and courage beyond compare. I needed someone I could rely on who wouldn't be afraid to care. A person that sees beyond the pain, and understands the hurt. To be a mother to an angel is the grandest of My work.
I saw in you, all these things. You were perfect for the job. I didn't know quite what to say, and all I could do was sob. Don't cry, My child, I know this is hard, but it is all a part of My plan.
I've been with you along the WAY; I've never stopped holding your hand.
'This job is tough and not meant to be easy, even now that My angel is home.
And you've made Me so proud to see how in faith and love you have grown.
I will always be near and you have a special place,
for becoming a mother to an angel of grace.
My heart became still, my mind was at peace; the answer had become clear.
I finally understood it all; the reason I was here.
Thank you, God, for seeing in me what I could not.
Your will is done and my service to You, will never stop.' And God said, 'I know

Author Unknown

Back to square one

2010-03-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

I do not even know where to begin with post today. For starters this blog is my self therapy, my personal place to write whatever the heck I please. I am saying this for the people in the non baby loss world. If you do not like what I have to say or do not agree with something, sorry I am not apologizing for what I truly feel in my heart. Baby loss world is no easy task. You could say you understand what I feel when we talk but soon after we hang up you get to live your normal life again, I do not.

One of my brother’s and I are really close and we are able to share everything and anything, I love him so much. He has been my #1 supporter through out this crazy year of mine. A few months into my pregnancy he told me he was going to also have a baby but things were not looking good between him and the baby’s mom. Unfortunately for him he was not able to be a part of the pregnancy. I really hurt for him because I knew this really meant so much to him and at the same time he felt bad for me because of all the complications I was having. On October 16, 2009 my niece Camila came into this world, a perfectly healthy baby girl. It took my brother a while to actually hear of the news and actually get to meet his baby girl. Since then things have changed and he does get to see her now after a long wait. So on Tuesday after work he warned me that he was going to take his daughter over to my mom’s. This was going to be my first time meeting her. He has been really understanding in regards to me being nervous about seeing her since Camila and Sami were born only 10 days apart. On my drive to my mom’s I somewhat got myself prepared to meet her. There she was when I arrived, an adorable baby with the cutest little outfit on. I attempted to carry her but as I got closer I felt my lip quiver and I just could not do it. I really tried but I think if I would have carried her I would have made her cry because I know baby’s can sense people’s emotions. Making her cry was the last thing I wanted to do. I touched her little hand instead and because I felt so bad I busted out my camera and took tons of pictures of her. I was happy with myself because I was able to interact with her and I was completely ok with that. It was difficult because it make me think of all the things that I am missing out on. They are the same age and they would probably be doing the same little things right about now. I did not feel as bad because my brother did not take offense to me not being able to hold her. He was really understanding with it all. Did I mention that I love him? So Tuesday was a long day for me to say the least.

So yesterday I was still feeling a little blue but it was not as bad until… I decided to go visit my brother Carlos and the kids. I should have called before I went over there. My other brother’s ex wife was there for a visit with the kids. I have not spoken to her in a while but seeing her does not bother me for one bit. I have known her pretty much all my life. I seen her car in the driveway but I was not able to just go back home because the kids seen me, that would have just been really obvious. It was not her that I was avoiding at all but she also has a baby that is only 3 days older than Sami. I walked in and tried to make the best of my visit so I sat and chatted with my nice Melissa who was also there for a visit (our family is pretty close). Then I went and sat with my nephew and that it is when it stared to hit me. I tried to keep myself busy and check my email on my phone, well that did not help because there was an email from another loss mom describing how she felt two years after her son passed away ( not good). So gain I tried to make conversation but I really could not handle it. I was trying to control my breathing because I was starting to get hot and really shaky. Then my niece Cassandra came home and she went to pick up the baby and she was talking about how big he was. I know she did not do that to spite me in any way. It is just a normal thing to do when you see a baby. I think before I would have probably done the same thing. She came and asked me if I was ok, I think I was looking like I was not comfortable, I was honest and said no. At that point I felt like I was going to burst and it had only been a few minutes that I was there. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and I could not catch my breath. I was really having an anxiety attack and there was no stopping it. I literally ran out, I did not even grab Julian! I needed air and I could not get out fast enough. I am glad my nephew brought Julian out for me, poor Julian he was not even ready to leave yet. I had not cried like that or felt that way in such a long time it actually scared me.

Not having my honey close by did not help. I wanted to be able to go to him so he could hug me but instead I had to call him. He always has a way to calm me down and make me feel better but at this point nothing would have helped. I was really having a breakdown. He was in another place, away from all of this in some casino in Laughlin Nevada for work. He tried to calm me down but I just needed to go through this on my own. I want to be able escape like him to a place where I am not going to reminded that my five month old daughter is not here with me. I only talked to him briefly because I could here all this noise in the background since he was out having dinner with his co-workers. I just wanted to run, run to some place that was going to make everything better.

I am not very good at showing my emotions in front of people. I felt so embarrassed that I had actually caused a little scene. It is really not like me to do something like that. I am normally so composed and I seem to be living life like everybody else. Perhaps that is why people never bother to ask how I am doing huh? Or maybe by reading my blog they know I am not well most days so why bother to ask right? At this point I do not care. I do not expect anyone who has never lost a child to understand that things for me will never be fine. For the rest of my life I am going to live with this heartache. Yes, I have gone back to work, I have gone to family parties, I even smile and laugh every so often but that does not mean that I have moved on and that I am fine. Yesterday just reassured me that I still have a long way to go. I know that I cannot avoid seeing little babies but I was already having a shitty week and then seeing not one but two babies the same age as Sami just drove me over the age. The baby's mom's get to go home enjoy their son and daughter, they get to complain how tired they are because the baby did not let them sleep enough at night, they get to hold and kiss them whenever they want, what do I get? I get to come home and cry into the receiving blanket that once touched Sami's skin. Back to square one.

Julian misses Sami

2010-03-23T16:35:00.001-07:00

My honey is out of town for work, he just left yesterday and I am already sad. He will be gone for the month but he will be able to come home for Easter this time. I am glad because last Easter without him was lonely. Today I am having a real emotional day and it sucks because at work I have to hide my emotions. I don’t work with people who I feel I can really open up to. To them I lost a child, yes they feel for me but that is it. My child’s name is never mentioned, they never ask how I am doing. They just assume that I am still the old me. Little do they know, that will never be. In a way I don’t care that they don’t care either, is that weird? I guess it’s because I work with people who I know will not be in my life forever and that is OK with me.

I think what triggered by mood was this morning with Julian. I was packing some clothes to stay at my mom’s to avoid the one hour drive this week while Julian was watching his morning show on the Sprout channel. I was about to zip up the bag when he handed me Sami’s blanket that I sleep with and he told me “mom, baby.” It amazes me how much he pays attention to things. It’s not like we ever told him that the receiving blanket is Sami’s or anything he just knows. It just makes me sad because he remembers her and thinks of her so often. Just like her urn, he just knows that is the baby, never wants to play with it, as a matter of fact the few times he has come close to the bear he just kisses it. Weird because at the hospital he didn’t want to get to close to her, but he did get close enough to share his cheerios with her! It hurts me because Sami is not here with us to be able to feel the love he has for her. I could only imagine how all of this would have impacted him if he was a little bit older. Julian is only 2 and he so aware things are not the way they are supposed to be. He knows that there is someone missing for our family. It just breaks my heart that we don’t have her here with us. I miss her so much and Julian does too. He would be such a great big brother to her. I am sad that he doesn’t get to share his life with her. I had so many dreams for both of my kids.

Then at work today I was looking through my old emails and I found so many old emails from Marie. Then it reminded me that I had another dream of her and I was pregnant. I think she is trying to tell me something because I have had at least three dreams like that with her. I love having dreams of her but it makes me sad because that is all I have now. I miss her so much. I often catch myself forwarding emails to her like before or even wanting to call her, I can’t get myself to erase her number from my cell phone. It’s been one month without her and it feels like forever. So much heartache is such a short period of time, it’s not fair. I wish things could be so different. At mass this weekend I really felt her presence there and then they sang a song that just made me cry because she loved that song and they sang it at her service too. On Saturday it was exactly one month since she passed away. It just reminded me of the day she passed. As soon as we left the hospital we went straight to mass (Marie always attended Saturday mass and was a eucharist minister) and we felt her there so much. It was already an emotional day to begin with and then they sang one of her favorite songs from church. It just assured us she was with God already. Marie’s faith was so strong and she was such a he part of church. Is today almost over? I am just so sad today remembering Sami and Marie.