Thursday, July 18, 2013

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it has been nearly a year since my last post. I feel guilty about that but I think I really needed the break. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of Sami but I think my thoughts were just too personal to share.
I am struggling with her up coming birthday, 4 years!!!! Lately anything can make me cry, seeing little kids her age give me anxiety. I can't explain it, I guess it's just part of me grieving and I am trying to understand it. Julian has been talking about her birthday for weeks now and I think it's cute but at the same time it crushes me because I feel like he has been cheated by our reality. Isn't he just way to young to understand death? This kid just amazes me, it started maybe about five weeks ago or so. We were having breakfast and he said so serious "mom, we need to start planning Sami's birthday already" I was taken back a little because we had not talked about this. Then he goes on about it being her 4th birthday which really shocked me because again we never talk about her age, I mean do but not with my five year old. So I asked him what he had in mind and he said lots and lots of balloons and cake he said everything pink of course. I love our Sami conversations because he is just so open about it. He asked me how I think she celebrates in heaven and if she knows he can read now. He always tells me he loves and misses her. Emma walked in the kitchen in mid conversation and he tells her in a sweet little voice about her big sister so then she is walking around saying "Tami" because that's just how she says it. I tried so hard not to break down and cry because I don't ever want him to feel like he can't talk to me about her without making me cry.
I just miss her so darn much and wondering how my life would be like with her sometimes just knocks me on my butt. I look at Emma and I can't help but wonder those things. It wasn't like that before but I think because she is getting older and getting her own little personality (feisty one at that) that these thoughts just start.
Through the years I have learned that time doesn't heal all wounds like most people think. I will always have an open wound in my heart and sometimes I guess it stings a little more. I have not decided how or what we will this year for Sami but what ever we do decide Julian will have the final say. I know it will be special to us no matter how we plan it.
I was planning on writing more but Emma is behind me making water puddles on the floor so I have to go. It feels good writing I must admit, it's been way too long.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Happy 3rd birthday

How quickly these three years have passed yet it seems like just yesterday I held her in my arms. Today has brought many tears and so many smiles because of how many people have reached out to us in rememberence of Sami. So many wonderful people that I have crossed paths with because of my little beauty. Three years ago I was angry, sad and lost. I couldn't see past a few hours let alone see myself three years later. How much life has changed more than anything how much I have changed. I have grown in so many ways and I have her to thank. Life is not always fair and that ok, life is not always wonderful and that is ok to because without those moments who would not be able to appreciate the little things. I am not always little miss sunshine here but I am able to take a moment during the difficult times and say to myself this shall pass.
Today we have a busy day planned, we are going to the cemetary and putting flowers at the babyland for her little friends then having yummy cupcakes oh we can't forget the balloons despite the crazy Santa Ana winds. My husband decided we should get away this weekend so we are going to do just that. October 26th is a day of celebration and that is just what we are going to do.
Sami, mommy loves and misses you. I am certain you are able to see and see my love.
Your alive in my heart.
Big brother hugs for you

Monday, October 15, 2012


Today I remember my precious daughter and all babies gone too soon.
It makes me sad that so many people have suffered the loss of a child but it makes me smile today knowing that someone out there is remembering them. Please do not be afraid to speak of this, I promise you it is not something that is not contagious.
Infant loss happened to me, never in a million years did I think of this but you know what I am stronger because of this loss. Because of my daughter I feel like I can conquer anything, I have already went through the hardest thing possible so now anything that comes my way I know I can over come it.
Thank you Sami for giving me the strength to continue on, I hope I am making you proud. I love you so much baby girl.
I leave you pictures from our Walk to Remember.

Sunday, September 09, 2012

I am sorry

I am sorry I have neglected your blog Sami. I feel horrible about it. In my head I have written post after post but I obviously do nothing, well I can't say that. I start a post but never publish it for some reason or another. So much time has passed and your birthday is just around the corner. It is hard to believe three years have almost passed.
I have to say I am in a better place now but the pain of you missing is always there. I guess you can say I have just learned to cope without you. I am sure you know that baby girl not a single day goes by that I don't think of you. Have you noticed Emma kissing your pictures? Julian still says good night to you and talks about you everyday. I love how you visit him often.
The memorial walk in next month and I am looking forward to it. I love hearing your name out loud so the world can here it. Of course balloons will be sent up for you. I hope you can see it and feel our love.
This post is short but I PROMISE I won't neglect this blog anymore. I need it more than ever as your birthday approaches. I love you so much my love.