Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Feeling guilty about not posting

How did I let this happen again? I said I was not going to go so long without writing but well it is obvious that did not happen. I have gone so long and so much has happened.
First I want to start off by saying that although I do not need this blog as much as I did before does not mean that I no longer needed it completely. Now that I am a stay home mom I really just do not have the time like I did before. From sun up until sundown I am just constantly on the go and when I finally do have a chance to rest I am exhausted. I feel guilty because I should make more of an effort. Not a single moment has passed that I do not think of the reason behind this blog and that of course is my precious Sami.

I am happy to announce another rainbow baby is going to join our family soon. I am expecting another son on May 28th. This pregnancy has been really enjoyable. I have allowed myself the chance to really enjoy it unlike Emma's. I was so terrified with her pregnancy and I feel like I missed out on so much. This time around it is different, perhaps because I know this is my last time being pregnant ever. We have decided this is it, our family is complete. We are happy and content with our decision.

Sami is already four and half and I am starting to think of ways to celebrate her fifth birthday. It is a big milestone so I feel like I really need to do something big. I have a few things in mind but nothing for sure. For her last birthday we kept it low key and sent her some balloons. It is still weird that we have to celebrate her birthday that way but it is was it is and I accept and make the best of it. It is not easy by any means but I can handle it so much better. Those raw emotions are not so intense anymore although I still have my moments where something triggers me and it will knock me on my butt in second. Moments like the other day when Emma was acting out scenes from the movie Frozen and she asked me where her sister Sami was. That stung like crazy but all I can do is try my best to explain this to her and make her understand our situation is unique. Julian still talks about her so freely and so openly that I pray it never changes. For school recently her took her Molly bear to share with his class. I love that about him so much and it makes me so proud of him. He is never worried about strange looks or comments from anyone. I admire him so much for that and he continues to teach me new things everyday. I still feel weird when people ask me the dreaded question "how many kids do you have?" I always have to answer honestly especially when I am around Julian because he will correct me in a second.

Before I go for now here is a little update on our family.
Julian is already six and almost done with kindergarten. He is excelling in school especially in reading. There is nothing that kid cannot read, it's amazing. He is also doing so well in baseball, he LOVES it.
 
Emma is almost three and is finally fully potty trained. She is always singing and dancing around. She talks all day long and is my little sidekick. She is funny, feisty and so loveable. Her hugs and kisses just melt my heart and everyone around her. Julian loves her and protects her like crazy I pray she will be the same way with her new baby brother.
 
 
 
My husband is still my knight and shinning armor, each day he does something to just make me feel so loved and I can't ask for more. He is such a hard worker and takes such good care of us even when we get on each other's nerves.
 
 
Easter 2014
 
 

 


 
 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it has been nearly a year since my last post. I feel guilty about that but I think I really needed the break. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of Sami but I think my thoughts were just too personal to share.
I am struggling with her up coming birthday, 4 years!!!! Lately anything can make me cry, seeing little kids her age give me anxiety. I can't explain it, I guess it's just part of me grieving and I am trying to understand it. Julian has been talking about her birthday for weeks now and I think it's cute but at the same time it crushes me because I feel like he has been cheated by our reality. Isn't he just way to young to understand death? This kid just amazes me, it started maybe about five weeks ago or so. We were having breakfast and he said so serious "mom, we need to start planning Sami's birthday already" I was taken back a little because we had not talked about this. Then he goes on about it being her 4th birthday which really shocked me because again we never talk about her age, I mean do but not with my five year old. So I asked him what he had in mind and he said lots and lots of balloons and cake he said everything pink of course. I love our Sami conversations because he is just so open about it. He asked me how I think she celebrates in heaven and if she knows he can read now. He always tells me he loves and misses her. Emma walked in the kitchen in mid conversation and he tells her in a sweet little voice about her big sister so then she is walking around saying "Tami" because that's just how she says it. I tried so hard not to break down and cry because I don't ever want him to feel like he can't talk to me about her without making me cry.
I just miss her so darn much and wondering how my life would be like with her sometimes just knocks me on my butt. I look at Emma and I can't help but wonder those things. It wasn't like that before but I think because she is getting older and getting her own little personality (feisty one at that) that these thoughts just start.
Through the years I have learned that time doesn't heal all wounds like most people think. I will always have an open wound in my heart and sometimes I guess it stings a little more. I have not decided how or what we will this year for Sami but what ever we do decide Julian will have the final say. I know it will be special to us no matter how we plan it.
I was planning on writing more but Emma is behind me making water puddles on the floor so I have to go. It feels good writing I must admit, it's been way too long.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Happy 3rd birthday


HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY SAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
How quickly these three years have passed yet it seems like just yesterday I held her in my arms. Today has brought many tears and so many smiles because of how many people have reached out to us in rememberence of Sami. So many wonderful people that I have crossed paths with because of my little beauty. Three years ago I was angry, sad and lost. I couldn't see past a few hours let alone see myself three years later. How much life has changed more than anything how much I have changed. I have grown in so many ways and I have her to thank. Life is not always fair and that ok, life is not always wonderful and that is ok to because without those moments who would not be able to appreciate the little things. I am not always little miss sunshine here but I am able to take a moment during the difficult times and say to myself this shall pass.
Today we have a busy day planned, we are going to the cemetary and putting flowers at the babyland for her little friends then having yummy cupcakes oh we can't forget the balloons despite the crazy Santa Ana winds. My husband decided we should get away this weekend so we are going to do just that. October 26th is a day of celebration and that is just what we are going to do.
Sami, mommy loves and misses you. I am certain you are able to see and see my love.
Your alive in my heart.
 
Big brother hugs for you



Monday, October 15, 2012

Remembering

Today I remember my precious daughter and all babies gone too soon.
It makes me sad that so many people have suffered the loss of a child but it makes me smile today knowing that someone out there is remembering them. Please do not be afraid to speak of this, I promise you it is not something that is not contagious.
Infant loss happened to me, never in a million years did I think of this but you know what I am stronger because of this loss. Because of my daughter I feel like I can conquer anything, I have already went through the hardest thing possible so now anything that comes my way I know I can over come it.
Thank you Sami for giving me the strength to continue on, I hope I am making you proud. I love you so much baby girl.
I leave you pictures from our Walk to Remember.