Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!!! I know it is extremely difficult for many of us to find much joy however I know God is walking with us all. To the many angels, Merry Christmas in heaven!!! You are all dearly missed.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I hadn’t done that in a couple weeks. I have been feeling so lonely and I cannot console my aching heart. This morning when I woke up I really wanted to believe it was going to be a better day but, no today has been by far the worst day I have had in a long time.
My husband has been working long hours and I really have not had the chance to spend time with him. I am not used to that because ever since Sami was born we have pretty much been together all the time. Being home without him has been so hard, not sure if it’s because the holidays, I have just been feeling so blue. When he is home I just feel like we are on different pages. It is making me really sad. I suppose I can go somewhere to distract myself but I just do not feel like it. All around me I see happy people and it makes me so angry. I am angry that I cannot be like them. I just want for one minute to feel “normal.” I do not even know what that means anymore.
Today I seriously had a meltdown and I feel horrible because I know I took it our on Julian and he has no fault in this. I scolded him out my own frustration. He was having a bad day too and I could not handle it. He was crying because he just wanted me to hold him I lost it. I couldn’t stop myself from crying, poor thing he just looked at me so helpless. I am the parent here I am not supposed to loose it like this. I just feel like I am drowning. I cannot find my way back to shore. This whole time I thought I was handling this so well but I guess I part of me was still feeling numb or just in denial. It is so hard to really come to terms with this. It has almost been two months and I feel like I just now starting to realize what has happened. How was this beautiful child taken from me? It’s not fair and I am having such a hard time with this. Right now I feel like the way I did when I had to hand her over. I feel like I cannot breath and I cannot control these tears. God help me!!! I am back at square one and I am scared. I want to have the strength to get through this. Maybe I am trying to rush my feelings and not allowing myself to really feel this pain.
This is horrible, Christmas is a few days away and I should be feeling some sort of warm feelings. I have not even bought Julian anything! Again, I feel so bad that I am not been a good mom to him. It is just so hard for me to ask people for help. It is hard to admit that I need help. Again I am drowning, I feel like I am trying to get up but people cannot reach me. Perhaps they don’t know what do once they get me out. For people who have never been through this it’s a helpless feeling.
It’s raining just what I needed to add to my much depressing mood of the day! I decided to start cleaning my closet to put away my maternity clothes and the feelings of being pregnant just came over me. As painful as it was I miss it. Have I mentioned I hate Mondays? In my horrible mood I realized that my days have been crappy because…
Sami is not here with me.
I feel like I am not being a good mom to Julian.
I do not have the same kind of patience that I once had.
I try to do things like before that would bring me joy and now they just don’t (trust me I try).
Christmas is around the corner and I and not the Jolly mood.
I am stressed about going back to work because I am really not ready yet.
I am constantly tired and there is no reason why physically I should be.
My house is a mess and I just don’t care.
Seeing new little babies makes me so sad and jealous of their mother’s.
I know there are so many kids in foster homes just because their parents don’t want them, what I would give to be able to hold Sami for just one second longer!
I hate when people tell me I am strong because feel like I am just letting them down by putting up a front, I am at the weakest point in my life.
I am way too over protective of Julian now because I feel like at any point he can be taken away from me too and I would not be able to handle that.
For the reason above, I feel like that will come between my husband and I, which will not be a good thing.
I resent people for not talking about Sami, like if she never existed even though I know they don’t mention her because they feel like I will start to cry or something (FYI, mention her it will make me feel so much better!)
People that should have shown some support have not and that makes me hate them which in turn makes me feel bad about myself because I should not hate or hold a grudge on anyone.
I feel fat and not so pretty these days.
My stomach is covered with stretch marks and I hate it! (I should be proud of them because my body did so well in taking care of Sami.)
I guess I could go on forever with how crappy I feel but at the end of the day I have to give thanks to God for the things I do have like a roof over my head, a loving family and wonderful friends who have been there to support me these past few months. I hope the days to come are followed by sunshine so that I can snap out of this mood because I feel so BLAH!
Tomorrow marks exactly one month since I held my daughter in arms. One month since I felt her breath on me and heard her soft angelic whimpers. I remember seeing her for the first time and how instantly I fell more in love with her. I was blessed to not take a single day for granted while I held her in my belly. Since I was twelve weeks and they told me something might be wrong, I went to bed thanking God for giving me one more day with her and I would also tell Sami how much I loved her. Without a doubt she knew how much I loved her. Now I cannot feel her, I cannot read to her like before. She is physically not here with me and I am just having such a hard time with that. I cannot put into words how much my heart aches right now. The pain is so big that I feel it physically. My body does not know how to react to the emotional pain I am in. The pain I feel now reminds me of how I felt when they came to pick her from me at the hospital. Oh gosh I will never forget that moment. Looking back now I am not sure how I managed to get through that. I was holding her and that sudden knock on the door just made my heart sink. There were many knocks on that door but that particular one was different, I just knew who it was. That was when I totally fell apart that day because having her there brought me so much joy that I really made it a point to not cry all over her. But having her no longer there was just excruciating. I was crying so much, holding her tighter than ever, telling her I loved her time and time again while trying to remember every detail about her. Watching my husband put her in the car seat just broke my heart because he was also crying so much while trying to do that. I wish I did not have that memory because it was such a beautiful day until that moment. It was a beautiful day indeed, it was sunny and warm. I sat by the window and let the warmth of the sun touch Sami’s face while I held her. I am so glad I did that now, I am also glad that I got to take a little nap with her too. I wish I could have had more time to make more memories but that just wasn’t God’s plan for us.
This whole week has been pretty bad for me. I just feel so sad and in a way very alone. I know I have many people who I can talk to but I just have not had the energy to do so. I even feel like my own husband does not get me and I know he is feeling just like I am. We all have different ways of dealing with this and I understand that. I have been lucky to have him home with me this past month but starting Monday he will be back at work and I am scared. I have not been alone this whole month, which has been very nice and much needed. However in the past few weeks I have noticed how differently we both deal with our loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but when it is two people dealing with such a big loss at the same time it is so hard. I say that because I need him like never before and he probably feels the same, however it is at different times. I could be having a good day and he might not and vice versa. With him going back to work I am scared because I have not had to deal with this while being really alone and dealing with Julian. Julian of course keeps us busy but dealing with him and the terrible two’s can at times be a little overwhelming for me right now. I just do not always have the energy to run after him and play all day! Oh we will see how it goes for me; I have to deal with it at one point or another. Oh gosh how this month has been such hell for me! I know I have to take it day by day but some days I just want to hide under a rock. I want to pretend that this is not real; I want to pretend that what happened to Sami really didn’t. I feel like I am living someone else’s life right now, I life that I never even thought about before.
So tomorrow I am going to try to put a smile on face and make the best of it even though my heart is aching. I am going to just think about the wonderful moments with Sami and thank God for giving them to me. I will not be selfish and ruin this holiday for everyone; I know I will get through it. For all of the loss mama’s out there I wish you much strength to get through these holidays. I know you ache as much as I do. May God bless everyone!
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I found this poem on Holly's blog, I thought I would post it on my blog because I now walk in these shoes! I read this a few months back and it really touched me but now it has a new profound meaning.
Another Monday, this marks 3 weeks that my little girl is no longer with me. Will it always be this way, will I always dread Mondays even more than I did before? I feel like as the days go by it gets harder for me to deal with and it kind of scares me because I want to be able to have much happier days. I try so hard, I try to get out of the house more often so that I am not at home feeling sad and yes it works for a while but there is always that sadness in me. I always feel like there is something missing.
I do the family get together's and as much fun as they are I want to sometimes just get away and hide in a room because I get this sudden feeling to just cry. Cry because I just miss her so much. I can still feel her in my arms and hear her little sounds that I just cannot get it out of my head. Everyday passes and it seems like my tears do not have an ending to them. I do not feel like I have to cry all day but like I have said before anything can trigger the tears. I am a broken soul right now and I am really hurting. At times I do not know how to share that with people because I am not sure they now how to deal with me because they have not been through this. My husband and I of course have gotten closer than ever now which has been wonderful. He has been off of work since Sami was born because his work is wonderful (thank you to all his co-workers who gave him vacation hours) but what is going to happen when I do not have him with me? I am a little worried about that and I have really considered going to a few counseling sessions just for my own well being. I figured that cannot hurt me one bit and I might be able to get a little better insight into this whole grieving process.
Tomorrow we are supposed to go on a road trip and I am trying to force myself to want to really want to go. I keep telling myself it will be good for us to go and get away but I just cannot find any excitement in this trip. I hope that once we get going my attitude will change a little bit. I cannot be such a prude because I know my husband needs a little get away and I do not want to ruin it for him. I am going to make the best of it and like I said hope it turns out to be a good trip.
Yesterday was Julian's 2ND birthday which should have made me feel happy but I was having a really hard time with it. Perhaps because Sami's due date was supposed to be on November 15Th and all the should and could haves start to cross your mind. Months ago I was excited when I found out my due date because I was already imagining double birthday party's all the time. I have to admit I was a little sad at first that Julian was going to have to share his birthday but I got over that really fast. Julian was born on my sister's birthday and Sami was due on my dad's birthday so there was going to be much to celebrate.
When life throws a curve ball at you it is so hard to get back on track. I just cannot stop thinking of what could have been, how I would be handling life right now with a toddler running around and a newborn! I try to not let myself think of that but I think it is only normal. I think was is most difficult it just learning to live everyday with out her. I have to come to terms with that reality even though there are moments where I just can't. I have my moments where I am doing alright because I get so consumed with Julian but then he will do something or say something to remind me again that she is not here and then my mood will change so quickly. Thank goodness that most of the time when I think of her all I can do is smile because I have only good memories with her but of course I cry because I miss her so much. Julian will at times point up and tell me to look then he will either say "hi baby or I love you baby" I am not sure but I honestly think he sees something that we don't. I love those moments but then I get sad because I know he would have been such a good big brother to her. My goal now is to forever keep memory with us so that he can later remember her. I don't want her to ever be forgotten by our close family and friends because in my heart she will always live on.
I have been trying to figure out these days what it is that I am feeling. I know it is not anger, hurt does not seem like it is enough to describe it. Perhaps what I feel is so big that I am dumb to it. Almost like when you have a traumatic experience and your minds blocks it out, can that be? I know my mind cannot block out what has happened however in a way it almost does because I just cannot believe that I no longer have Sami with me. For so long I held on to her in my womb and now my body is longing for a baby that is no longer here, it does not seem fair. Forever she is in my heart but just getting over not having here physically is so much harder than I thought.
Last week we went to pick up her ashes and it was nice to finally be bringing her home but again so hard to come to terms with not being able to hold her again in my arms. My faith in God has never been so strong like it is now. I never really gave much thought to heaven because I honestly feared death, I knew it was a place that existed but now it is place I think about and a place that I do not fear because I know there is someone so special waiting there for me. I sometimes think maybe this happened to me so that God can get it through to me that heaven is real and that I should not be so afraid to leave this earth. I do not know everyday I try to think of a single reason why this happened to us.
My heart aches knowing that there are so many mothers out there that have been through this and are going to go through this. People can tell you it will be ok but will it ever? Ok means what? You move on and take things day by day but does that mean your life is Ok and that your heart will no longer ache? Does Ok mean that you will no longer want to hold your baby again? I know it is hard for people to say the right words but there are none. A simple hug I think sometimes says more than words can. Oh yeah for people who say “you are young you can always have another one,” think before you speak, especially when the wound is so new. That is so hurtful because my baby is not replaceable to me matter what. I know people mean well but sometimes no words are better. For all the mother’s who have left me messages THANK YOU so much because your words really do get to me because you have also walked this path unfortunately. Your support has been overwhelming and I am forever grateful.
Monday, we had to go to the mortuary (a place I really dread) to pick out the readings for the mass and to drop off the bassinet we were going to put Sami in. Since we wee there I was longing to see my baby so I asked if I could dress her since we were going to dress her Tuesday morning. Greg the person helping us was more than happy to give us as much time as we needed with her. Initially seeing her brought me so an uncontrollable sobbing but once I held her in my arms I was actually OK. Holding my baby felt so good but at the same time it was a little weird because I knew Sami was no longer with us. Her body was there but her soul was already somewhere else. I think that is what brought me peace, knowing she was already in a better place that we were not able to provide for her.
Before she was born we had bought her two gowns because we were not sure how big she was going to be when she was born and thank goodness we did because we got her first one a little dirty from the make up they had put on her. So we had to dress her in the second one, it was a little long but still it fit her so well and she looked so angelic in it. We had to remove the stitching from the back of the bonnet because her head had that mass on the side but it still looked so pretty on her little head. They had wrapped her little head so we were not able to see her gorgeous dark hair but that is OK. We have many pictures of that so that we cannot forget that. As were dressing her so many thoughts crossed my mind but I held up surprising well and we both must have told her we loved her about a thousand times! Walking out of there was so hard but I knew I would get to see her again on Tuesday. So again I had to talk to myself to keep it together.
Tuesday morning… I was up so early because I was not able to sleep so well. My husband and I got there really early because we wanted to spend sometime alone with her again and I am so glad for that time. The minute I walked in I picked her from her bassinet and held her in my arms. Part of me was in denial that I was there and really going through that. It almost does not seem real to be in that situation, I even had to ask my husband, “Are we really here?” It is cruel that parents have to go through such pain but for some of us it is our reality. Little by little people stared to show up and we had to move to a bigger room. I walked her to the other room and looking back now I really do not remember that, it is weird. Eventually I had to place her back into the bassinet and I just sat there staring at her. Keeping from sobbing out loud was a little hard but I managed to it well. I had moments of smiles but mainly tears. I do not how many tissues I went through. Again, it is a cruel thing to go through in life.
There were so many people at the service it was really nice to see how much my Sami meant to people. We had a friend of ours sing and play his guitar so that really nice, hard to not cry during those moments. My little nieces were there and I was not sure how they were going to handle seeing Sami since they are still very young. I was so proud of them because through their tears they still managed to go up and see her but it really broke my heart to see their pain. I cannot comprehend what happened so I can only imagine how in their young minds had to process that. Thank God Sami looked so peaceful in her bassinet. She looked like she was a very peaceful sleep, so I hope that helped them see she is in a better place. As the end of service was coming closer I really started to have a harder time because I knew the moments were near that I would have to forever say goodbye to my baby. As soon as everyone came by to pay their respects to us, it felt as I leaped over to her and held her once more. That is when I really had a hard time. I did not want to let her go. I held on to her so tight and kissed her so many more times. My husband was next tome telling me I had to let her go but I could not do it, my arms did not want to let her go. I was frozen and so much in pain at that moment. Everyone was outside waiting for us to release 100 pink and white balloons (100 minutes we had with her, here on earth). I knew I had to let go and I eventually did but walking out of there was devastating. Walking outside and getting some fresh air was nice and it felt good in a way, I think I really needed that. The balloons were released and one white balloon led the rest of the balloons. They all stuck together, I wish I had a picture of that. It was beautiful; the significance behind it reassured me again that Sami is home now. That put a smile on my face.
Before we left for my brother’s house for an early dinner, we stopped by the children’s burial section to put flowers on their graves. Sami received so many flowers that we decided to leave some there for other babies who have passed. It was nice to see Julian take part in that although he did take a lollipop from one grave! They had just had a birthday and the baby’s parents left little candy bags and of course Julian found them. Oh Julian, he keeps me smiling everyday. One funny thing he never wanted the lollipop opened he just held on to it, as a matter of fact just yesterday I found in it in our truck and threw it away! Anyhow, at my brother’s house we were again surrounded by so much love and support it was amazing. Thank you everyone for the support, you have no idea how much that means to us. This is a long one I said and I apologize for going on and on but I just had to share.
I cannot even sleep knowing that tomorrow will be the day I have to say goodbye to my little angel. Yesterday was a day of reflection since we were putting together some programs and some collages of the pictures that were taken. I am so lucky to have so many pictures. I also got a video and the picture CD from Michelle (NILMDTS). She was wonderful and got them back to me so fast, I cannot thank her enough because all the pictures came out beautiful and the video she put together just brings to tears. My little one is so beautiful!
It has been one week today and the pain seems to get worse as these days go by. I wold have thought that after all these months I would have somewhat been prepared for this but I guess NO ONE can never be prepared for this heartache. I have to keep telling myself that she is a better place now and that one day I will see her again. I feel so bad for parents who have to go through this when the passing of a loved one comes as a shock, I cannot imagine that. It seems like my tears are endless and again it comes and goes. Everyday is different and everyday it is something knew that triggers my tears. It seems like Julian knows that his mommy and daddy are hurting because if he sees us cry he will always stay back for a little bit then come to rub our back with one of his gentle hugs. That little guys has gotten us through this past few days like you would not believe. With him I do not have time to sit and just cry. I want to just stay in bed and do nothing but he keeps me going. I still have to be a mom and care for him, he knows something big happened but as his young age not the full extent of it. As a gift someone gave him a book that is perfect because it helps siblings understand about a baby's passing. The book is called "We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead."
Today we have to go drop stuff off at the mortuary to get things ready, not looking forward to that either, I hate going to that place. Tomorrow morning we have to go and dress our little girl (my choice of course). I am actually looking forward to that because I get to hold her in my arms once again. How am I going to do for the rest of the service is beyond me. I know God will help me through this again because he has been with me the whole way.
Now a little message for people who are not sure what to do or how to approach us because of what we are going through... Please do not let us walk alone through this heartache. Most people assume we want to be left alone but it's the opposite, being alone just makes it harder at times. A simple phone call or a visit is always welcomed, if we need the space we will let you know. Feel free to talk about Sami, she is a part of us now and we never want her life to be forgotten. To us she will live forever.
I am still in a daze, is this really happening? There are moments when I feel like I cannot breath and then in a split second I get this calmness come over me and it makes me feel so much better. A true roller coater of emotions fill up my body.
Sunday, we decided to take Julian to Disneyland for a little bit. I really did not walk all that much, I sat and waited for them to get on the rides. Well that night while trying to go to sleep, I sat up somewhat screamed and then my water broke (11:20pm, same time my water broke with Julian). It was like my body knew it was going to happen the split second before it even happened. I started to panic and cry and tell my honey that I was not ready yet. He held my hand and told me I could get through this, I just needed to take a deep breath and relax. I rushed into the shower and really started to panic in there. Julian came in and was crying for the baby and he just wanted to hold and kiss my stomach, he knew something big was about to happen. That just added more to my non-stop crying. I was trying to rush out of the house but the fluid wouldn't stop! I had to change like three times. Finally, we were on the road, I called the hospital so they could be ready for our arrival. We dropped Julian off with my brother Ernie. We arrived at the hospital about 1 AM. Still fluid coming out of like crazy. Once I got there the contractions really started and so did a sense of calmness. My honey and I both felt it. Cheryl our triage nurse was wonderful. At that time I was 4cm and she said I would have the baby by 7am. I was in denial especially since with Julian I had the longest labor ever.
I decided to go with epidural and again it did not work like with Julian. I am not a good candidate for that stuff. Either way I did not need it. The pains were not as bad and it was not even pain I felt it was more pressure than anything. At around 3:45 I asked them to check me because the pressure was so bad and sure enough, Sami's head was visible, we were ready to go! I had to try so hard to not freak out at that time. They asked me if I wanted to try to push or just wait a little bit for the doctor, I opted to wait for a little more. I waited about one hour then I just knew I had to let go. My sister got there about the same time the doctor did. It was showtime and at that moment there was a presence in the room that I cannot describe. All of a sudden I had sudden strength and this overwhelming peace come over me. In about three pushes pure perfection came out of me. That part is still a little bit of a blur but the doctor's checked her so fast and placed my Lauren Samantha upon my chest. I could only cry happy tears, I was so happy and so in love in that instead moment. I could only describe that feeling as beautiful. I held her in me for 37 weeks and to actually have her in my arms is a feeling that I cannot put into words. There are no words to describe that feeling of perfect...
With all going on, the NICU doctors realized that Sami really never had encephalocele!! Sami was supposed to be a twin and the mass attached to her little head was that, a brother or sister, the egg must of never split correctly. On the mass you can clearly see another ear and an eye. It was so comforting to know that is what really happened. Either way it is a bad situation but I least I know she is not alone.
For one hour and forty minutes, Sami showed me what peacefulness really means. In that moment I was just overwhelmed by her strength and courage. I must of told her I loved her about a thousand times and it still did not seem like enough. At 6:44 am she left to be with God and I knew it. I did not cry at that time because she just seemed so at peace. My baby girl had left us physically but will forever be a part of me. These past few months have been so challenging but I would never take it back, I have been forever changed because of Sami. Now I know what the other loss mamma's talk about. I give it to them because this is so hard to come to terms with.
I have to say the hardest part is when the mortuary people knocked on that door and took her from me. I thought I was going to die, that hurt so much I wish I could block that out of my mind forever. Seeing my husband strap her into her car seat just killed me. He was so strong to do that with me crying uncontrollably. He was able to manage and then come comfort me. He has been so strong and wonderful in all of this, he hurts just as much as I do and still he continues to set his feelings aside to make sure I am OK.
We were blessed to have family and friends stop by throughout the day, I needed the company because being alone it still very hard for us. In the middle of the night I finally had my breakdown moment. I was was shaking, crying, my temperature was weird and my blood pressure was up and down. My nurse Maryann was very understanding and very concerned but she just knew it was my hormones. It was scary, I woke up Larry and scared him to death because he had no idea what was going on with me. I held up well during the day but at night it hit me hard. Sitting there at the hospital without my baby was so hard for me. They came to pick her up around 4pm so I had her for a long time. I wish I had longer but I knew I had to let her go before her little body started to change in color. I did not want to see that.
The next day I could not wait to leave that hospital and walk out with empty arms. My nurse Judith was so nice and she broke down too. Made me feel good that they too felt my pain and were not afraid to show it. I forgot to mention Angie the delivery nurse, she was amazing. So for all the nurses that made this experience as best as possible, THANK YOU! Your care and concern meant so much to Larry and myself.
I have gone and on but I wanted to right some of this before I forget. Again, thank you to EVERYONE for the wonderful love and support.
Services for Sami will be held on Tuesday, November 3rd. Viewing from 10am - 12pm and Mass will begin at 12:30pm.
Queen of Heaven Mortuary 2161 S Fullerton Road, Rowland Heights, CA (626) 964-1291.
I wanted to let everyone know that my angel from above arrived on Monday, October 26Th 2009 at 5:04 am and went to be with God at 6:44 am. In one hour and forty minutes she showed me what love, peace and strength are like no one has ever done. I am a very proud mommy! Sami weighed 4lbs and was 15.5 in long!!!
At this moment it is a little difficult to write in detail, however I will because I never want to forget this experience for my self. I am still walking around in a daze not really sure if I really comprehend what has happened.
My husband and I would like to thank everyone for their unconditional love and support these past few days.
Today I went to see my doctor and he said he thinks I should be having Sami in about a week or so. That really scares me because I feel I still need more time with her. Physically I am exhausted and ready to go but mentally I am so not there yet. There are days when I think I am ready but realistically I am not because I am so scared. In a few days all this will be over and my life will be forever changed. In these past few months I have seen so many changes within myself and to think there are so many more to come. Not knowing what to expect scares the crap out of me. I love this little girl more than life itself and the thought of having to let her go just kills me. It is not fair that I have to even think of letting her go. Call me selfish if you will but I am not ready to do that just yet and well I do not think any parent ever is. It is all in God's hands and I have to trust in him to get me through and I know that when she is ready she will let me know. In a way she is doing that now. I cannot wait to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her but at the same time I know that at that point I am also going to have to say goodbye. How do I do that? I have had so long to prepare for this you would think I would be somewhat ready for that. I really thought I was until the doctor told me it will be soon. Now I am starting to panic. I have to keep telling myself I will get through this and I will be OK. This is something that is just going to make me a stronger person.
Since last week I have given a lot of thought of the whole burial versus cremation and in my heart I think it is only right to go with cremation. I cannot imagine myself having to visit her at the cemetery. For some people it feels right but going to the cemeter the other day just did not feel right. I think she needs to come home with us. I have not thought of what I would do with her ashes, maybe one day I will find the perfect place for her or who knows maybe her perfect place will be at home with us forever. I figure one step at a time but as of now I think cremation will be best. My honey and I have discussed it over and over and we both agree so that makes me really happy.
This is my point she is not here yet and I already to have think of this stuff. I cannot believe it sometimes. My head just cannot get used to that idea even though I know it is my reality. Today I am an emotional wreck and I am so tired tired.
So again another sleepless night, thanks to me being itchy. My doctor was at the hospital so he asked me to go straight there when I called him in the morning. Great another Monday at the hospital. I started having contractions on the way over there but I figured it was because I was nervous (hospital's make me nervous) well no.... I was getting some pretty good contractions and I have started to dialate. I am only at 1cm and there is no turning back now. The day is getting closer for us. I know it could take a while but still. I am closer to the finish line than I expected. Well there at the hospital they drew some blood and gave me a shot of something or other to help with the itching. It made me feel really drunk. I was given a prescription for cholestasis medication. I figured it had to be that, the itching is not normal.
I sat there in triage and could not help but laugh... who has itchy elbows and knees? My luck I feel like this can only happen to me. With all this stuff happening it is starting to make me laugh, what else can I do right? Sami was having fun, moving away from the heart monitor. The nurse was trying to get a good steady beat but Sami had her own plans. I asked them to remove it, she was not going to cooperate and I was just getting itchier.
So I was finally released, thank God it was not an all day event there. I am starting to feel a little better but it the itchiness is still there. I hope it will go away soon so that I can get some sleep. I am so tired...
Wow, what a week I had!!! First Monday I was completely at my breaking point. I had not slept; I was the worst pain ever. I called my OB doctor in the morning and he told me to go to straight to the hospital which we did. There... I was having mild contractions, I was not dilating (which is good), my breathing was little off but it was not bad. The nurse in triage was super nice and she was trying to help me as much as possible because she knew how uncomfortable I was. Once my doctor seen me he called the Parenatologists to come drain some of the fluid because it was way too much for me to handle. When he finally came back to tell me they were going to drain some fluid, I just sat there and cried, FINALLY!!!!! That took a while because the doctors were going at it but it worked out for me. I was moved to new room and finally I was closer to feeling better. I was annoyed because the parenatologists took forever and when she got there she asked why I had not come in sooner... did I not just see her on Friday? I had gotten there at 11 am, I had not really eaten and by the time she got there it was already 6pm!! I was not in the best of moods by this point. Finally after while she was able to figure out how to use the new kit provided for her for a Thoracentesis as she called it, it took a very long hour and half to drain out 4 litters of fluid from me. It was painful however I instantly started to feel better. I wish I would have ate something and probably had more fluids but the point was that finally my belly had some room and I hopefully going to be able to get some sleep!! Well the following two days were a bit challenging but thank God for my mom who was making sure I was resting and not having to run around after Julian. I was getting contractions, I was not able to control my body temperature which was really odd but it was not high enough to go back to the hospital. I was feeling better in a sense but at the same time not so much it was really weird for me. Then since my honey had taken the days off to be with me we decided we had to go the mortuary to finalize things. My brother had gone but they said they could not do anything until we, the parents went to sign. Why I decided to go this week is beyond me but I am glad that is over. Now I am torn between having to bury her or cremate her, I seen a casket and it absolutely freaked me out and almost gave me a panic attack so I really to need re think things. That is a whole other issue.
Now Thursday, I am getting home sick because there is nothing like being at home but at the same time, still not feeling well and feeling a little depressed I knew it was best to stay with my mom. Finally Friday.... I am feeling better but now I have a cold and I am itchy all over. I am still having trouble sleeping but I am feeling better which is good. Emotionally I am drained... this week has been so long. I have come to realize that these next few weeks are only going to get harder. Now that I can move better and get around easier I am starting to notice Sami moving so much more which makes me feel so much better. I cannot help touching my belly all the time.
Friday morning, I went to the doctor and all is well, thank goodness. My friend stopped to visit at my mom’s and the company was very much well received. A few hours to talk and just be normal was nice for a change. Being home feels so good and I came home to find that one of my brothers sent me flowers so that was really nice. My house smells fresh and I like it.
I have decided that from this point on I am going to concentrate on Julian's birthday party since that is coming up in a few weeks. No matter what happens in the next few weeks, my little guy will have his birthday party. It may not be big but he will have some memories of his second birthday. Now it is Sunday and I actually feel well rested for once, I actually got a good night’s sleep which my body desperately needed. I am still itchy like crazy especially my hands and feet however I am trying everything in my power to take control of that. It has to go away because I am not going to let that be the one factor that does not let me rest. So for today’s agenda…. Going to take Julian to the pumpkin patch. Thank you everyone for being to nice and understanding this week.
Well yesterday at the doctor's they were not able to drain the fluid. I am carrying over three times the normal amount! My breathing is fine so that is not a concern for them which made them decide it would be best to just make me wait. I was very sad by that because I just cannot tolerate this pain anymore however, Sami is not ready just yet so I have to give her her time. She is in position, so far down they were not able to even see her head anymore! Because I have so much fluid not much of her was even visible in the ultrasound. I did however get a good glimpse of the little foot that hurts me all day! I had to ask them "what the heck is here (top of my belly) because this hurts constantly" and sure enough her little foot... I have been having contractions more often but they are not consistent or that strong yet. The doctor was very surprised that I have not gone into labor yet. My blood pressure is normal, my feet are not swollen so in there eyes, I am fine. They understand the discomfort but they do not feel like my health is at risk.
As much as I want to hold on to her, I feel like I just cannot continue this for that much longer. It is all in God's hands but I pray everyday that it happens sooner than later at this point. Maybe my body is going through this so that I am able to be ready in some way. Right now at this point in time, I can say that I am ready. It makes me feel a little bad thinking that way but it is the truth.
I want to say THANK YOU to everyone for all the nice messages and for showing so much support. It really means so much to me.
I have been home now for a few days and it is so overwhelming. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough energy to get it all done. Julian has been sick with the flu and that has not been fun but thank goodness he is getting better now. I am totally sleep deprived and feeling the affects of it. I dread the nights because I am so unconfortable and in so much pain. I have to sleep sitting up and for me that is nearly impossible. I get in about two hours then it is time to switch positions and that takes me a while to get comfortable again, then it is time to repeat again... Horrible!!! I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I am crossing my fingers that they will be able to drain this fluid because I cannot deal with the pain any longer. I called this morning and I am waiting for a call back from them. I am exhausted, grumpy and ultra emotional so I need something that is going to make me feel better. Today I decided to really get everything ready, like washing Sami's clothes and packing her bag. Two weeks a go I did it in a rush but I have time now to really get it ready and make sure I have everything I will possibly need for myself and her.
Some days it just does not seem real to me. One day I feel like I am ready and the next I feel like I am not. My heart is so torn and I know that is normal but how will life be like after this? I wonder what is going to be my new normal, my new life! So many things to think about and take in. One good thing is that little by little I feel like I am not as scared as I once was. Perhaps because I do not have a choice but go through this, it is what is. I have put all my faith into this, although some people may differ with me on that. I will not mention any names but I have been informed of someone close to me who has said that this is all happening because they believe my faith is not strong enough, God is full of miracles but I just have to trust in him and obviously I am not! You have no idea how much that has hurt my feelings. I would not be able to do this if my faith was not strong enough and if I did not believe in God. God, works in my mysterious ways and for some of us it does not always mean a happy ending and I have learned to accept that. That does NOT have anything to do with how strong my faith or isn't! I know it is difficult for people to understand what it is really like to be in my shoes right now and I have to try to remember that because it can change my personal relationships with people and I do not want that. I tend to be the "I can do it myself" person and accepting help from people is usually hard for me but I know that in the days to come I will need that extra help. I do not know how to have people care for me especially in this situation because I feel that people will do it because they feel sorry for me. I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know that I am loved and people just want to reach out a helping hand but is so hard for me to just be accepting of that. Sometimes I just want to be left alone and at the same time I just someone to listen to me cry and tell me it is going to be OK. I have come so far now and I have been so strong but as the days go by I just feel like am losing that strength little by little.
As I sit here typing away, while listening to the radio of course Julian sees me crying and oh my little boy... He put his head on tummy, grabbed my hand and had me dance with him! I have just melted, he is the reason why I have to be strong, he is the reason why I have to be able to handle this and just the best person I can possibly be. So I will be on my way... my little guys needs his mommy right now. I will keep you posted with my appointment tomorrow.
I need to vent today… What gives people the right to make comments about a pregnant woman size or what she is wearing? I think it is really rude and so annoying, especially when the comments are from strangers. They make stupid remarks or just feel that they can touch your belly without asking. The other day at work some client (never met him before) came in and asked me when I was due once I told him he was like “oh wow your huge, I thought you were going to say you are ready to pop any day now?” Well no, that is NOT the case. I was already having a bad day so I told my belly is big because I am retaining a lot of fluid because my baby is sick. He did not know what to say except for “oh but it will be ok right?” No, it is not going to be ok!!! I know he felt awkward but at that point I did not care. I felt bad after but I really get tired of people making comments. It is already hard to answer when people ask when I am due and basic questions, call me hormonal or something but I get really tired of people’s stupid remarks. You have no idea how annoying it is for me.
“Oh that shirt makes you look bigger, you walk funny or you really look like you are having twins!!!” Well I may look a certain way but please keep the comments to yourself! I hope I have never made a pregnant woman feel this way at any point because it is really hurtful. I would like to think that I am pretty good at thinking before I speak. I really hate to make people feel bad. One more thing, a rude person will make a comment and think it is funny and the people that around feel that it is ok to laugh along and agree. Oh I get so mad!!! Just stop, please…. Yes, I know I am big, I wish I could control it but there is nothing I can do about it. I am normally a small framed person so yes I look weird but that is just what my body does if you do not like it then turn away, it is that simple! I am not asking for a pitty party or anything I just want people to be aware of a pregnant woman’s feelings, especially for the people who know what my situation is. I am already extra sensitive to begin with. I feel so attacked at times and it really, really makes me feel bad about myself. I just want to be home hiding out so I can avoid stupid comments. It is hard for someone to get used to the extra weight gain in such a short time period and that is nothing, once the baby is born it is a whole new round of comments, “You are still carrying the extra pounds maybe you should try this or that!!!” I am so not looking forward to that either but I will worry about that later.
With Julian I was really, really swollen so I had to hear comments about that, now with Sami I am not swollen but my belly is extremely large, I can see that for myself, I can feel the difference but there is nothing I can do to make it any different, sorry people.. This is just the way it is like it or not! Only a couple of more weeks, I can do this…. Right now I am like the little engine that could….. I think I can, I think I can…
When I first started this journey, I knew it was going to be difficult but I never imagined it being like this. Like I mentioned in my last post, physically it is challenging which makes it that much harder emotionally. Last night as I laid awake I thought about the pain and discomfort which is fine because it will not last forever but the ache in my heart will be FOREVER. To have to go through this and in the end up still not be able to hold my child in my arms forever is really a hard thing to accept. I was telling Larry that I feel like we are having to give up our daughter to a closed adoption and not by choice. The only comfort in that is that she will be safe and happy in the presence of the Lord. I do not have to worry about giving her to someone who might not do as good a job as I would like for my daughter, but who better than to keep her safe? God of course... Maybe I started to look at this way since I was watching Adoption Diaries and I seen the turmoil that the mother's were faced with as they said goodbye to their children. I know it is completely different because I do not have a choice, the choice has been made for me but I am trying to find a way to bring me some comfort in this.
I now have realized that the only people that really comprehend what I feel have been the many woman that have also been through this. However I have to hand it my husband who has to watch me go through this. I know for him it is very frustrating to not be able to do anything to make this aches go away. Yes, he can help me move around and help me with Julian but it is still hard. These past few days have been extremely challenging but at the same time I feel this connection with him like never before. I do not know if it because at this moment I feel like only he understands me because he is the only one who sees on a day to day basis what I am really going through. I do not have to say anything, he just knows what to say or what to do to make me feel better. Sometimes we do not even have to say one word, we just sit and he wipes the tears away and that alone makes me feel like it is going to be OK. He is the rock that I need. I have to admit that I was so scared because I felt like he was not going to be that support I needed because he really did not show his feelings. I kept thinking that when the day comes it is going to hit him then and at that point I would be the one having to be strong for the both of us. I guess it just took him a little bit longer to really come to terms with everything that is happening and that is totally understandable. We talk about it a lot more now and I have the comfort in knowing exactly how he feels. That is another reason why I feel this connection between us. Having to go through this, I can see how it can take a toll on a relationship. You have to really be strong and willing to make some sacrifices along the way. So to my honey, I know you will be reading this.... Thank you and I love you so much.
A little update... Baby Hope will have her surgery after all... Wednesday, Hooray!
So Tuesday I came home from work with really bad cramps, I figured I would get home and they would go away. Well that did not happen, they actually got worse! I was up all night trying to find a way to get comfortable but no luck. By early morning, I got up started packing my bag, Julian's and Sami's. I was really scared and did not want to have to do that but I had to be prepared. It was really scary and the pain was so bad. I went to the Dr and thank God it was not early labor just pain caused by the poly. By mid-afternoon the pain eased up a bit, the Dr. gave the OK to take some regular strength Tylenol and that seemed to help me a bit. I was at least able to lay down and finally take a nap. A much needed one too!!!
I go back next week and see how and where we go from there. I know I am able to have the fluid drained but I am so scared to have to do that because I am so not ready to have her just yet. The possibility of going into early labor freaks me out! Might now happen either but either way there is a risk. Maybe in a few days I will change my mind, who knows! I am praying that my body will somehow work with me and get me through another few weeks, at least. I know in my heart I will not have her in November but we will see what is in store for us. One good thing is that I will finally be off of work now so I can be home resting. Not sure how I am going to pull that one with Julian around but at least I do not have to wake up early and make the hour and half drive to and from work everyday! That is much of a relief!!! I have to go buy some craft supplies to keep Julian entertained at home.
So as I was packing my bag, I realized I still need to get some stuff. I have been putting that off but this weekend that will be the goal, just in case. I still have to wash all of Sami's things, get her baptism gown and little things here and there for her. As for me, I still get to get all my toiletries and comfy clothes ready, oh yeah cannot forget some slippers like I did with Julian. Well not that I forgot with him, but I just could not fit into slippers because I was so swollen. I have not gotten that bad with Sami yet. There is still time for that I am sure. This heat that we are having right now is not helping either, when is fall weather supposed to kick in??? I am so ready for a big weather change. Well today, I am still cramping however it is not nearly as bad as yesterday, I will be OK. I will update later if there are any changes. I wish you just see how I walk... Makes me laugh!!!!
Completely off the subject, I need to ask EVERYONE to take some time and say a little prayer for Baby Hope. She also has Hypo plastic Left Heart Syndrome, she was born on 09/14/09 and is waiting to see if she will be able to have surgery to fix her heart. Her kidneys' are not doing so well so the surgery is pending. So please pray that she will continue to grow strong and be able to get past this hurdle. Her parents would really appreciate it. Thank you! You can see her mommy's blog and pictures of Hope from my blog on the left column.
I had a doctor appointment on Friday and the doctor seemed concerned over the size of my belly. He measured it twice as usual and he wrote down that it might be polyhydramnios, too much amniotic fluid. I was aware that might happen because Sami's swallowing reflexes might not be normal but I never gave it much thought. He seemed concerned but at the same time not so much because he did not do an ultrasound right away. I will see him again in two weeks and on October 9th I have another appointment with the perinatologist. We will see what they say then. I of course decided to google it(why do I do that?)and of course now I am really worried about it. Well at least that explains why my belly is so BIG... It is so uncomfortable, it constantly hurts me. I was no where near this umcomfortable when I was pregnant with Julian. I seriously dread the nights because laying down makes my body ache even more. Last night I laid on my right side crying because I could not for the life of me turn to my left side on my own. I did not want to wake up Larry because I every night I have to wake him several times during the night to help me out. I felt bad, he needs to get some rest too. I feel like my pelvis is broken, it is hard to describe just how painful and uncomfortable it is. I never realized how many muscles we use to just sit up or get out of bed. Once I am up it is not so bad but it is the initial movements that just kill me. I normally have a pretty good pain tolerance so this is just throwing me off. I am kind of scared to describe the extent of my pain to my doctor because I am afraid of him saying he would rather induce me early. I would much rather let Sami come when she is ready. I do not feel sick in any other way like my blood pressure being high or abnormal swelling so for now I can still keep going. I can do this only a few more weeks to go.
Some info on polyhydramnios:
What You Need to Know About Polyhydramnios Polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) occurs in about 2 out of 100 of pregnancies. Most cases are mild and result from a slow buildup of excess fluid in the second half of pregnancy. But in a few cases, fluid builds up as early as the 16th week of pregnancy. This usually leads to very early delivery.
Polyhydramnios is diagnosed with ultrasound. Medical experts do not fully understand what causes this condition. In 2 out 3 cases, the cause is not known. Here are two of the best-known causes:
Birth defects in the baby that affect the ability to swallow. Normally, when the fetus swallows, the level of amniotic fluid goes down a bit. This helps to balance out the increase in fluid caused by fetal urination. Heart defects in the baby.
Women with mild polyhydramnios may have few symptoms. Women with more severe cases may have discomfort in the belly and breathing problems. That's because the buildup of fluids causes the uterus to crowd the lungs and the organs in the belly.
Preterm rupture of the membranes (breaks or tears in the sac that holds the amniotic fluid; also called PROM) Umbilical cord accidents Polyhydramnios may also raise the risk of pregnancy complications, including: Preterm delivery Placental abruption (the placenta peels away from the uterine wall before delivery) Poor growth of the fetus Stillbirth Cesarean delivery Severe bleeding by the mother after delivery
There is really not much to tell these days besides fear is really starting to get to me. I have been scared but now, it is feeling that I cannot just set aside. I cannot get my mind away from it. I am mentally drained at this point and I all I want is get a good nights rest. These sleepless nights are not helping me one bit.
There are only a few weeks left and I am really not ready for it. Really, can anyone be ready for this? Perhaps it's just the fear of the unknown because I do not know what is going to happen. The thought of not being able to feel her just devastates me so much. Everyday that is what keeps me going, her little squirms and painful kicks! She is one strong little baby!
I know everyone is worried for me and I guess I did not really understand why. Now I am starting to understand why people are worried, I am worried about myself at this point. In matter of a few weeks my whole life is going to change. I am going to walk in the shoes of a mother who lost a child. I had never even thought of that before. Part of me wants to have some sort of hope because saying that I am going to loose a child just sounds wrong. It does not feel right to think like that, but perhaps that will be my reality. All I am going to have are a few moments with her. Gosh, that just breaks my heart. Will I ever be the same again? How am I going to be able to move on from this experience? I had so many plans with her in our lives and to have to go on without her is something that I know is not going to be possible. I think about having that last moment with her and I just start to practically hyperventilate. God, please give me that sense of peace that so many loss moms talk about!!! I want to be able to be strong where people do not have to worry about me. I want to know for myself that I will be OK.
It is really difficult to put into words what this journey has been like. So it is even harder trying to imagine what the future holds for me. I am not the first mother to loose a child and unfortunately I will not be the last, so I know somehow I will get through this but it is the initial feelings that scare me. Having that moment of finally being able to hold her in my arms and a few moments later having to give her to God forever!!! That is what I cannot fathom, that idea. I am really trying to get it through my head that Lauren Samantha will be with me forever but just not physically, she will always be my angel up in heaven and until the day we meet again I just to be patient. As the days pass, I have noticed that just about anything can bring to tears. I was emotional before but now it is pretty bad. I enjoy my long drive to work (never thought I would say that!) because it gives me a chance to cry and just let it out before I have to be at work and socialize with people. I have to prepare myself to be asked everyday by clients at work, when I am do and what I am having. It is getting old but I just have to go with it. Wow this was much longer than I expected, I guess there is more going on than I thought.
The mass for Sami was yesterday, it was so beautiful!!! I was trying to hard to not burst out in tears throughout the whole mass because I really wanted to hear what Fr.Dennis had to say to us. I had my moments, trust me! I know that our family and friends are here to support us but to actually see them all together was just an amazing thing. To know that every single person (and were a lot) was there to show in some way their love to our family was truly amazing. Fr. Dennis shared our story and explained to everyone the many challenges that we are faced with. He shared my feelings about the situation and how I want Sami's life to be seen as a blessing, I want people to smile as they think of her and not be saddened. Once he was done he asked everyone to come and give us hugs and express their feelings, I wasn't expecting that but I am so glad he did that. That was overwhelming and impossible to hold back the tears. I had family there that I didn't even know they knew what was going with us! I took a moment to look behind me and was completely taken back, I can't describe it in words. It was so beautiful to know that we are loved and cared for so much, Sami brought all of us together. She is such a reminder of what it means to love.
After mass we went to my brother's house to have lunch. It was a happy occasion and that is exactly what I hoped for. I won't lie and say that at some point I didn't feel sad, The only reason for that was because I reminded myself that in a few weeks it will be so different. Different because there is still that huge possibility that I will not get to bring my Lauren Samantha home. So many people love her and I want her to see and feel that for herself. I want to be able to share her with everyone. For the most part it was a wonderful day, our angel shower was beautiful and by far exceeded my expectations of it.
My niece Cassandra had mailed out a letter to everyone and asked them to bring a letter with them for us. That was a wonderful surprise to us, we had no idea about that. When we got home and read them... WOW is all I can say!!! It was such a thoughtful and touching gift. I had a hard time getting through some of the notes because I could not stop crying. I know it is hard for people to really express their feelings but writing them out comes easier. To know how they really feel was the best gift they could have ever given me. To know how much Sami is loved is more than I can ask for.
I really want to thank everyone again for the unconditional love and support that has been shared with us over the last few months and especially these last few weeks. To me saying thank you doesn't seem like enough but I have yet to find a bigger word.
Today is a good day!!! I woke up in a really good mood today, I think Julian had a lot to do with it, he woke up so happy that it just instantly made me smile. Thank goodness for my little man!!!
Today I have a 3D ultrasound so I get to see Sami, I am really excited about that. I hope she lets us see her little face. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment too so I get to see her 2 days in a row and I love it. I am going to try to not let them get to me with bad news. I refuse!!! I cannot believe I am already 29 weeks, where has the time gone? I am starting to feel like I am on the downhill stretch of this pregnancy and although I want to make the time go by slowly I am also looking forward to not being pregnant. My body aches and I am really feeling tired and exhausted everyday. The extra pounds I have put on are finally catching up to me! I try to take it in day by day and thank the Lord above for this time with Sami.
I have been getting things ready for her mass this coming Monday and a BBQ to follow so that has kept my mind busy, it's been kind of nice. I made some candle favors to share and although it took some time to make them it felt good, kind of like therapy. It is weird to not be planning a baby shower at this time but I am okay with it now. I try to not really think about it. I go to the stores and see so many cute things for baby showers that I would like to buy but know I can't, that kind of makes me sad. It makes it easy for me to get emotional but these past few days I have been in really good spirits. I have been waiting for days like this and finally they are here!!! Let's see how long they last.
I think I am finally accepting and coming to terms that I have an angel in my belly. These past few months it has been so hard to fully comprehend that. In the last few days I have not felt sad on the otherhand I feel like I need to be celebrating her life. Now I feel like I want to share her. I want people to feel my belly and feel her kicks. I want to shout out to the world that I am carrying a beautiful angel in my belly and how blessed I really am. It is such a weird feeling to want to laugh, shout and cry at the same time. Being pregnant comes with so many emotions and well with this pregnancy boy have I had my share of different emotions! This is a crazy journey to be on, I do not wish this upon anyone but somehow, little by little I am finding the good in all of this. I have met some wonderful people along the way and made my relationships with others so much stronger. I know I have not said it in a while but for everyone who has been so supportive and understanding THANK YOU once again.
I will post new pictures of Sami soon, hopefully I will be able to share her beautiful face with everyone.
A really good friend of mine sent me an email with this little story and I wanted to share with everyone. Thank you my friend, it's a beautiful story!!!
There was once an Angel named Sami and she was playing with other angels in heaven. They where playing with a ball and the ball rolled off, Sami when after the ball. The ball when through a door and that door let her to you and Larry. She is still here with you and only you are getting to hold her at this time, she can feel your love and her dads love through you. Hold on to that until God looks for his missing angel and tells Sami she has to go back to Heaven to be an Angel. She will always be with you in so many ways.
Today is one of those days where I feel like I am the only one hurting. Everyone else gets to make the best of their Sunday and here I am writing down how terribly sad I am. Today I just feel so alone and I am not sure why. I was actually having a good weekend. Sami is moving around a lot, reminding me of her love but I can't stop thinking of the future. I want to live in the moment but something always reminds me of what lies ahead of us. I wish the tears could just stop, everyday it is the same thing. I just feel so drained and tired at this point. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself anymore. I see this tired, sad little person looking back at me. I don't want to be that person anymore. I know with time it will be different but right now I just feel like maybe I have taken on way more than I can handle. I have to somehow find the inner strength that got me to this point already. I know it is there, I just have to really dig deep within myself to get it back. So for starters maybe I should stop writing and get ready to go out somewhere with my family. It is not fair that I ruin their day because of my sad mood. Julian needs his mommy right now and I have to put my personal feelings aside for him. He is still so little and he doesn't understand what is going on.
Last night I had the most realistic dream ever and it scared me to death!!! In my dream Sami was born and only lived for a few seconds. In those few seconds I was so overwhelmed by the love I felt for her but once I realized she was no longer with me the pain set in. It was a pain so deep in my body, it was something that I have NEVER felt. I wasn't even able to see because I was crying so much, yet there were no tear! I wasn't able to breath or even move in my bed. Almost as if I was paralyzed but everything and everyone around seemed to be moving. I could hear the nurses talking, my husband was trying to tell me something but it sounded like he was so far away, it felt so real. Thank God the alarm went off this morning.
I have been thinking and trying to mentally prepare for what is going to happen. I guess I will not know what it actually feels like until it really happens to me and now I am just scared because if it felt anything close to that dream, I am seriously going to loose it. How can anyone prepare for this? I had to let out a good cry this morning before I started my day and asked God to please give me the strength to get through this because I am really feeling like I can't. That dream really scared me and now I feel like I am not strong enough. I can't get it out my head, the pain throughout my whole body.
I know everyone tells me that I am strong and they admire that about me but really I am not. Some days I come off as I am but ask me and I will tell you that I have never felt this weak. I know I am not alone in this but I feel like I am, I have never felt this scared either. Days like this don't seem real, am I really going through this? Just a few months ago my life was so different.
I was so nervous going to this meeting but it wasn't so bad. I met with Dr. Rodriguez who was so nice. She wanted to know how well informed I was as to Sami's medical condition. She seemed to be relieved once she knew I was completely aware as to what was going on. She did an ultrasound per our request to see if Sami had changed her position and she did so that made us happy. She started to ask what I was expecting on the day of her birth and I let her know that we were prepared with a written birth plan. We went over it and she said in her 30 years of practice she had never seen a birth plan with that kind of detail, she was impressed. She took my plan and made copies for the other involved to see. We waited a few minutes and met with 7 other people. It was a little overwhelming to walk into that office. Everyone right away got up and introduced themselves to us. They had briefly read the plan and they too very kind and understanding of our wishes. I had written down that in case we see her in any pain that they can administer some pain medication. The NICU doctor said in that case they would have to take her out of our room because they are not allowed to that in a regular birthing room. Dr. Rodriguez stepped in and said given our situation she will ask for an exception for us. That means someone from NICU would come to or room to do that without Sami having to leave the room, they were so understanding!!! Over all the meeting was fast because the birth plan that we took summed it up for them. One really nice thing they said is that at any point in the remainder of the pregnancy if we would like to have an ultrasound done just to give them a call and they would accommodate us as best they can. I am glad we had this meeting after all because I really felt that they really cared about Sami and I. It was a little emotional but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was glad my honey was there next to me, I think if I would have gone alone I would have just broke down. As we walked out I really did let the tears flow, it wasn't so much of sadness either. I think it was just more of a reality check that I will not be walking out of there in a few months with my little Sami. I am at 27 weeks now and it just seems to be going by so fast. This pregnancy has not been an easy task but I do not regret deciding to walk this journey. There are some days that I am physically in so much pain but it is all worth it.
So I just got a call from the Gina the case worker from the parental center. She said the doctors were looking over my chart and they want to have a meeting tomorrow. I will meet a new doctor (Dr. Rodriguez) to do another ultrasound then go into the meeting. The meeting will be to go over our wishes on the day of her birth. So I guess I should be ready with our birth plan that I had started on. Project of the day!!! Anyhow, my OB will there, Dr. Rodriguez, the NICU Dr and Nurse and a social worker. I kind of knew this was going to happen just didn't think this soon. Kind of makes me a little nervous. On my last visit there, they said it would be up to me to have this meeting but now with them calling me just makes me wonder if they seen something that they hadn't seen before!!! Who knows.. There is such a big part of me that wants to believe that they have found something in that chart that will be positive and hopeful. Have all these prayers been heard? Then of course there are the other thoughts. I am going to try not to over analyze this, I will be there tomorrow and it will all be OK, it is just a meeting. I have to keep telling myself that. Wish me luck and I will let you all know how it goes tomorrow.
I have noticed that something is changing, not for the best either and that something is me!!! I am not sure what it is or why but I am becoming another person and I don't like it. I am starting to notice that I just don't care... I don't like that, I am normally not that person, I am very caring person. I think most people would say it's natural but to me it sure doesn't feel like it is. That is just not who I am!
I feel like lately I am just always angry and I don't even know why. Anything can set me off, I mean anything. I wish some people would just stay away and then others I want them to be closer. Everything is just a darn struggle these days. Having relationships with people is hard. I feel like I want to be alone but I know that is not a good thing because I know people care and are really worried about us. I know later on I am going to need everyone more than ever but right now I am just so torn. It's almost like I want people to just let me be but at the same time I don't want to be left alone. It is so weird and hard to explain. I hate not being able to control all these feelings. I am going to try to work on these emotions before I end up hurting someone by saying something I probably shouldn't. I will just leave it at that for now.
On a way more positive note... We are having a mass for little Sami at our church on September 7th. I think I definately need some positive energy... I hope by then I can be more like myself. Anyhow for the people that can make it will be at 10 am.
St. Denis Catholic Church 2151 S Diamond Bar Bl Diamond Bar, CA 92557
Thank you to all for being so understanding to my ever so changing moods.
Today I had another doctor appointment and again I was hoping for something good to hear but like my luck has it no!!!! Sami has more brain tissue on the outside than before on the outside. There is more fluid surrounding that brain tissue than before. Dr. Ross also noticed a slight hemorrhage too. She is in a breech position but no worries there since I still have a ways to go, she can position herself at anytime. Her head is measuring really small because of the brain tissue. Right now the size of her head is that of a 22 week baby in utero. On a good note, she weighs 1.5 pounds and she measuring a little over 12 inches now. So she is growing, which is a good thing of course.
I asked about being induced and she said it is a good thing but most of the time being induced will lead to a c-section and we are trying to avoid that. I think I will just let Sami tell me when she is ready to come into this world. I wanted to be induced but I really don't want to have to pick the date that my daughter will pass away if I don't have to. I did tell Dr. Ross I do not want her heart monitored while I am labor. She agreed that would be best. For me personally it will just worry me to much and while in labor worrying like that is the last thing I need. I have to believe she will be born alive. Another thing she mentioned was while I am in labor they will more than likely drain that extra fluid in the herniated sac outside her little head. They will do that like if they are going to do an amnio. I have not officially finished my birth plan yet, I will give the doctors a copy of it once I am done. That way we all agree with what I want during labor. She said given the severity of her conditions we might not have to have a meeting with all the doctors because the chances of her surving are not good. it is up to me to make that final decision, so we will see how I feel about that in a few weeks.
Today I questioned why I continue to go to these appointments for the first time. I never hear anything positive. I am not sure if I can handle another visit like this but at the same time if I don't go I am going to feel bad because I will feel that I don't care and I am giving up. I made another appointment in 4 weeks, we will see how I feel about keeping it. I suppose I will because I will only have next month and October. November is just around the corner when I look at it that way.
Today was not a good day, I tried to be in good spirits but how do I do that when I hear that my baby is not doing well, I want to hear something good for once. I want to be able to go one day without crying, I want to go one day without having this pain in my heart. Just one day I want to be worry free and more than anything just really happy. Like I said in an earlier post... I have this black cloud following me at all times and I just want it to stop. I want to laugh and really mean it, I want to say I am doing okay and really mean it, but I can't. How am I going to handle being here on earth without my baby girl? Soon after she is born the holidays will be here, they are supposed to be joyful but I know that this year that will not happen. Of course Julian will make be smile and he will make me stay strong. I will have no choice but to put on a happy face for him. I have to promise myself that no matter what I am not going to give him anything less than wonderful holiday memories. I am thinking way ahead of myself and I need to stop..... Thank God today is almost over, I want to sleep and wake up to another day, hopefully it will be better than today, it just has to.
So today I had another doctor appointment, I waited longer than usual for my 5 minute visit! Oh well, Dr. Wong said the baby is really big he even had to do a double take on how many weeks I am. Her heart was beating nice and strong today so that made me feel better. I will see him again in 2 weeks and next week another ultrasound with the specialist. Dr. Wong said it is possible to be induced a little early but we will talk about it in a few weeks. It is a pain going to the doctor all the time but even though I don't always get good news it gives me some sort of comfort to know she is still growing. I love to see her move around while they try to get a good glimpse of her. So for now I have decided to stick to my appointments.
I have been thinking lately about this "shower" that is planned for us for sometime in October and the more I think about it the more stressed out I get. It stresses me out because I am really afraid to break down in front of everyone and I know that is going to happen at some point during that day. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable because they won't know what to say. I don't like to see people hurt, it makes me feel so bad. I want everyone to be happy when they think of Sami not saddened by what is happening. She is not here yet and she has already made me so happy and I want everyone else to feel that way too. So I have decided that I am going to cancel it. I figure in October it will be closer to my due date and emotionally I think it will be a little too much for me to handle. The concept is nice and I would still like donations made to some organization (haven't found one exact one yet) if people want but I think I would rather just have a mass at church for us. I think prayer is all we need. I called and left a message for the priest to call me, hopefully I can get something set up. I will invite everyone to join us in prayer.
On to another subject... I need to go buy some little stuff just in case we do get to bring her home (that would be so nice). I have the big stuff (car seat, stroller, etc.) I made sure all of Julian's stuff stayed nice and neat for the 2ND time around and I bought neutral colors with that in mind. I need to buy her little pj's and receiving blankets, stuff like that. I have been looking forward to buying that stuff since the day I found out I was pregnant but at the same time I am sad about it because I don't know if she will get to wear them. I would rather be prepared then not be prepared at all. I am not going to go crazy on the shopping but just enough to get us by. Again, is this really happening to me???? I know going shopping for her is going to be emotional, I can't even go buy diapers for Julian without wanting to cry but I want to be the one to buy that stuff for her. I want to feel even if it's for a few moments that all is well and that I am shopping for my baby like most normal pregnant woman do.
Lately I have been dreaming of her so much and in each dream she is perfect. In my dreams I know something is wrong with her yet I see her so her normal. It feels so real. Those dreams play with my head because I want that so badly... I want to hold her, I want to kiss her and I want to see her grow. I want to see how Julian is going to be as a big brother to her. Thinking of that brings tears to my eyes because that might not happen and it's just not fair. I am going to stop writing for now because I feel too sad now.
I am so blessed to have wonderful people in life who love me and show this amazing amount of support. Not a day goes by that I don't get a call from someone asking me how we are doing. It is really nice, so again thank you to everyone.
This week has been a little tough but hey I am still here right? I met with Michelle from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) and went over what she does and how this whole picture thing works once Sami is born. I swear they are a blessing, to go out of their way to take photos so that we as hurting parents can have such cherished memories. I wish I did not need their services but just in case I want to be ready. I don't want to regret not having photos taken of my little one. The thought of one day forgetting what she looked like scares me. I think they are such a great organization and I really admire them that is why I really want to donate money to them. I have been trying to find an organization to give back to and I think I found it. A shower of well wishes is in store for us (told you we are loved!) and well I would prefer people donate money to them instead of gifts. It would make me feel better knowing that parents who have to go through something like this will be able to use NILMDTS for a long time.
Another thing that happened this week... my brother Ernie went far beyond his call of brotherly duties. He went to the mortuary and started the process for our little Sami. I was dreading having to do that like you would not believe, no parent should ever have to do that, that is just so unfair!!! Him and I had discussed more or less what we had in mind so from that he went and asked if all my wishes were possible and thankfully they are. My biggest concern was that they pick her up from us at the hospital because I refuse to have her in the hospital morgue, not sure why but that thought really bothers me. This whole story is rather disturbing isn't? My gosh she is not even here yet and here I am talking about this. I am glad the process for that has been started only because now I can just not think about or worry about that for a while.
I have also started our birth plan rough draft, seems a little demanding if you really think about it but I just really want to make sure I make my wishes known for labor and delivery. I am not sure how medical staff feels about a person coming in with personal demands but in this situation I feel like I can be a little more demanding as to what I want during labor and after birth. With Julian it just did not go as planned and now I wish I would not have been so afraid to speak my mind, maybe he wouldn't have been in the NICU for a few days. The main focus of this birth plan is so that everyone that will be involved that day knows how important it is for us to have as much time with her as possible. I will post it one day to share with everyone. I have been making changes to it and reading it over and over seems to unreal. Everyday I have to question why this is happening to us.
Well here we are just about 24 weeks already, time is flying by and all I want is to make it stop. This morning I woke up because Sami was having party in my belly!! This little girl is getting way more active now and I am loving it! She is kicking me as I type right now! Larry was having fun touching my belly because he would push down and she would respond to his touch, he gets really excited when that happens. I am really trying to not stress out as much and just take things as they come, hasn't been easy but I am trying. Normally I dread weekends but today has started off so well, I am just going to enjoy it. I am in a happy mood and I have to take advantage of it.
So on Friday I had the echo done to check on Sami's heart. I can't describe the medical terms they used but they pretty much said the left side of heart is not growing as it should be. She has a low volume of blood going through her heart. She will be okay while she is in my stomach however at delivery she is going to be faced with her thoughest challenge yet because that is when she will have to work hard on her own without my help. I think this news really got to me because I really wanted to hear something positive. I really wanted to hear that it was something minor and maybe she will have on less struggle to deal with it. God, I am so sad!!! I think more sad now than before because I just did not want to hear more bad news. I am so sad because nothing seems to be in her favor and my heart just aches to bad. More bad news after another, it isn't fair!!! This weekend has been extremely hard for me maybe because now I know I really have to start getting prepared. As much as I did not want to I am gong to have to. Up until this weekend I thought I was mentally prepared to accept our fate but after hearing the news from Friday it made me realize maybe I am not. I feel like I am back to that first day when they found out something really bad was going on with Sami. I cannot describe this feeling I have right now because I feel like it's all new to me and it that is not so. I have known now for a while so I cannot explain this feeling. I was trying to explain to my honey but I just cannot find the words to describe it. It's really weird for me because I really thought I was ready. I rreally thought I was in control of my feelings. Yesterday we were my Niece's birthday party and I kept my composure there but that is not to say I wasn't crying all the way over there. There is just a sense of emptiness in me already and I hate it because Sami is still with me. I feel like that feeling needs to go away because it is going to affect her and I definitely do not want that. Is she going to feel like I have given up on her? Will that in turn make her give up? At this point there has to be some change within myself because I am determined to keep this little girl safe for as long as I can. I have not given up and I will not do so either. My sister Rachel and my niece Crystal came with me to the doctor and I am so glad they did because if I would have gone alone I just would have lost it there. Having someone there really helped me stay strong. It is really weird how I handle this emotionally because I usually only cry when I am by myself or in front of my honey (even that is hard for me to do) and I am not sure why. I feel like I have to always be strong and not show that I am hurting to other people. I know they all know that is not the case but for some reason it is so hard for me to show my emotions in front of others. Maybe it is because I do not want them to ever feel "sorry" for me. God had given me this challenge and he would not have given me this if he knew I was not able to handle it. I suppose that on this journey some days are just tougher than others, although I really need stop being afraid of showing my true emotions to others because I know they will not see me any different, on the contrary because they will finally see that this is not as easy as I make it out to be at times. I am hurting really bad inside.