Monday, June 27, 2011

Monday blues

Sami at Emma's baptism

I woke up today with such a huge void in my heart, I miss her. I miss her so much and I find myself wondering what she would be doing today even though I normally don't allow myself to do that. 20 months have gone by since I held her, smelled her and felt her breath on me. So much has changed in my life for the better of course but still there is a void within me. Emma has filled my life with so much joy and happiness, I smile more because of her and I love her more because of Sami. I am a different mom now compared to when Julian was little. I guess you can say I do not take anything for granted. Emma is what most people would consider spoiled but I don't. Emma is a different child, only a parent with a rainbow baby would understand what I am trying to say. Every breath she takes I soke it in because I am in constant fear that she will also be taken from me. I hate that every little thing that I notice different on her freaks me out and I think that she is going to get sick. It is kind of morbid and I HATE it. I wish I didn't have to live this way but on a positive note I love my kids more than ever. With Julian, I hold him extra tight and tell him I love him a hundred times a day because you just never know.

How I wish she was here running around while I try to tend to Emma thinking to myself that I am crazy for having my kids so close in age. Days like today I have tell myself that she is safe in God's arms and with Marie who is taking the best care of her. One day I will hold her again and see her precious face.


Caroline said...

Thinking of you.
I can relate , I'm forever changed. XXXOOO

Melissa said...

Lots of love to you today....and everyday.

Hope's Blog said...

So much has changed in such a short amount of time. You are an amazing mom and Julian, Sami, and Emma are lucky to be your kids. Many {{{HUGS}}} to you and your family.

Sarita Boyette said...

What a sweet photo of Sami's bear! I understand all you have written - I know you miss Sami so much and you worry about your Rainbow baby and your son. Losing a child makes us a different person. Sending hugs & prayers to you. xoxo

Franchesca said...

Sending you big hugs Lisette. I totally understand that too. I think some people think that about Joseph, but like you said they just don't get it. I wish you three of your babies were with you too. I hope today is a much better day for you friend :)


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