Thursday, September 29, 2011

It's soon approaching

Her day is soon approaching and the thought of it is weighing on me. I know her birthday is a day of celebration but it is also such a difficult day for me. I had been fine but as I look at the calender and see October just a few days away I am filled with such sad emotions. Two years have fast approached and I have many things to be grateful for but still this void never seems to ease up. I am sure from the outside I look fine, I laugh, I smile but I am still broken. I will be forever, I except that now but it still isn't easy. I had a whole year to prepare you would think it would be easier for me. Perhaps having Emma here with me makes it a little harder because I have realized how much I missed out on Sami.

I feel really bad that I neglected this blog lately because I really need it and I miss following up with everyone but I just have had no time. I am officially a stay home mommy and I am yet to find a routine. I have realized going to work is sometimes a little easier. I am not complaining because I LOVE my new job I just need to learn to manage my time better and allow a little bit of me time here and there. This space is comforting to me, I still need it. Like I said time has passed but that doesn't mean that I still don't feel lost from time to time.

Right now the kids are sleeping as I should be but I just want to take in the quietness. My husband is out of town again this week and it always seems to be like my real emotional moments are when he isn't here. I just need to let out a good cry and prepare myself for October. What is that saying "take the bull by the horns" that will be me for the most part of October but I know I will fall flat on my face with grief and emotion at some point. I feel like someone needs to take the lead and I will just follow. Last year I was so consumed with her birthday memorial party and being newly pregnant with Emma that I guess I was just not allowing myself to deal it emotionally. This year my plans were to have the care packages dropped off at the hospital on her day but I am a little behind and I also want to do something special celebrate her with my close family and friends. I just feel stuck, I need a little push to get out this little pitty party that I am having right now. I need Sami to send me her love and strength, I need it more than ever right now.


Hope's Blog said...

I know this time of the year is hard and I also know that you will plan a beautiful day for sweet Sami. I am heading to northern CA the week of October 10th...I so wish our office was in southern CA...I would love to visit you and meet Emma.

Many {{{HUGS}}} for you and your whole family.

Caroline said...

{{{Hugs}}} Thinking of you & Sami so much.
Love you

Sarita Boyette said...

Meredith's birthday is the 3rd, so you and I share this wondering what to do for our girls in October. I know whatever you plan will be perfect to remember Sami by. Hope you are able to get the care packages done - maybe some of your family can help? I'm doing one box to take to our hospital here (it's not the one where M was born) and since the chaplain told me they have boxes for baby loss, I am making a box of things to give to a mom who may not have the means to buy something pretty to take her baby home in. Sending hugs & prayers to you.

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