Monday, December 07, 2009

Having a down day today!

It’s raining just what I needed to add to my much depressing mood of the day! I decided to start cleaning my closet to put away my maternity clothes and the feelings of being pregnant just came over me. As painful as it was I miss it. Have I mentioned I hate Mondays? In my horrible mood I realized that my days have been crappy because…

Sami is not here with me.

I feel like I am not being a good mom to Julian.

I do not have the same kind of patience that I once had.

I try to do things like before that would bring me joy and now they just don’t (trust me I try).

Christmas is around the corner and I and not the Jolly mood.

I am stressed about going back to work because I am really not ready yet.

I am constantly tired and there is no reason why physically I should be.

My house is a mess and I just don’t care.

Seeing new little babies makes me so sad and jealous of their mother’s.

I know there are so many kids in foster homes just because their parents don’t want them, what I would give to be able to hold Sami for just one second longer!

I hate when people tell me I am strong because feel like I am just letting them down by putting up a front, I am at the weakest point in my life.

I am way too over protective of Julian now because I feel like at any point he can be taken away from me too and I would not be able to handle that.

For the reason above, I feel like that will come between my husband and I, which will not be a good thing.

I resent people for not talking about Sami, like if she never existed even though I know they don’t mention her because they feel like I will start to cry or something (FYI, mention her it will make me feel so much better!)

People that should have shown some support have not and that makes me hate them which in turn makes me feel bad about myself because I should not hate or hold a grudge on anyone.

I feel fat and not so pretty these days.

My stomach is covered with stretch marks and I hate it! (I should be proud of them because my body did so well in taking care of Sami.)

I guess I could go on forever with how crappy I feel but at the end of the day I have to give thanks to God for the things I do have like a roof over my head, a loving family and wonderful friends who have been there to support me these past few months. I hope the days to come are followed by sunshine so that I can snap out of this mood because I feel so BLAH!


Holly said...

These moods come and I can definitely relate. You change when you lose your child. I don't have as much patience, I'm more protective of Kyndra and I 'baby' her more, I don't keep my house as clean as I once did-meaning some things I just don't care much about anymore. I'm trying to work on some things but that comes with time.

I'm sorry that you'll have to go back to work when you don't feel ready. The rain sure adds to a dreary mood, that's for sure.

Jill said...

I am so sorry. I have had all the feelings and emotions that you are having. It is so difficult. The best advise someone gave me (I didn't think it was good advice at the time though) was to be patient with myself and allow myself to feel. Grieving is a long process and I have learned to let my emotions out.

Thinking of Sami today. xo

Franchesca Cox said...

Lisette, I could have written this list myself a few months ago. It is especially hard that we long for others to talk about our children and all they want to do is run away and pretend they never happened. That still bothers me. I have come to the point where I just bring my Jenna up in conversation whether they get uncomfortable or not, and most of the time (to my surprise) they actually like to hear about her. It's like you said, they are afraid of making things "worse"...

Like Jill said, have patience with yourself. It is a long, tough journey. I wish your Sami was here with you this Christmas. I wish none of us knew this heartache. We are stronger together. I will be thinking of you and all of us babyloss mamas this Christmas season.


Mattie said...

These feelings can be so overwhelming sometimes and I know I felt such consuming guilt. I was afraid for my son to get out of my sight and just the sight of my closet would (and still does sometimes) get me really upset.

This is going to be a long road. I hate that any of us have to walk this road, but since we are, I am glad that others are not afraid to speak (or blog) what is on their mind and let me know I am not alone.

Thank you for your honesty.

HUGS and prayers.


Once A Mother said...

every one of those feelings is totally justified. i know how just awful the first months are, you still remember what it felt like to feel pregnant, it all feels so surreal and then hits you with a crash. I am so sorry that your little Sami is not here with you. It is totally unfair. please know we are all here for you. sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

pip said...

God bless you in your grief. Releasing in detail how 'crappy' you feel will help you through. Go with those moments and don't resist them, but go through them. It's ok :)

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