It’s raining just what I needed to add to my much depressing mood of the day! I decided to start cleaning my closet to put away my maternity clothes and the feelings of being pregnant just came over me. As painful as it was I miss it. Have I mentioned I hate Mondays? In my horrible mood I realized that my days have been crappy because…
Sami is not here with me.
I feel like I am not being a good mom to Julian.
I do not have the same kind of patience that I once had.
I try to do things like before that would bring me joy and now they just don’t (trust me I try).
Christmas is around the corner and I and not the Jolly mood.
I am stressed about going back to work because I am really not ready yet.
I am constantly tired and there is no reason why physically I should be.
My house is a mess and I just don’t care.
Seeing new little babies makes me so sad and jealous of their mother’s.
I know there are so many kids in foster homes just because their parents don’t want them, what I would give to be able to hold Sami for just one second longer!
I hate when people tell me I am strong because feel like I am just letting them down by putting up a front, I am at the weakest point in my life.
I am way too over protective of Julian now because I feel like at any point he can be taken away from me too and I would not be able to handle that.
For the reason above, I feel like that will come between my husband and I, which will not be a good thing.
I resent people for not talking about Sami, like if she never existed even though I know they don’t mention her because they feel like I will start to cry or something (FYI, mention her it will make me feel so much better!)
People that should have shown some support have not and that makes me hate them which in turn makes me feel bad about myself because I should not hate or hold a grudge on anyone.
I feel fat and not so pretty these days.
My stomach is covered with stretch marks and I hate it! (I should be proud of them because my body did so well in taking care of Sami.)
I guess I could go on forever with how crappy I feel but at the end of the day I have to give thanks to God for the things I do have like a roof over my head, a loving family and wonderful friends who have been there to support me these past few months. I hope the days to come are followed by sunshine so that I can snap out of this mood because I feel so BLAH!
1 year ago