Last night I cried myself to sleep. I hadn’t done that in a couple weeks. I have been feeling so lonely and I cannot console my aching heart. This morning when I woke up I really wanted to believe it was going to be a better day but, no today has been by far the worst day I have had in a long time.
My husband has been working long hours and I really have not had the chance to spend time with him. I am not used to that because ever since Sami was born we have pretty much been together all the time. Being home without him has been so hard, not sure if it’s because the holidays, I have just been feeling so blue. When he is home I just feel like we are on different pages. It is making me really sad. I suppose I can go somewhere to distract myself but I just do not feel like it. All around me I see happy people and it makes me so angry. I am angry that I cannot be like them. I just want for one minute to feel “normal.” I do not even know what that means anymore.
Today I seriously had a meltdown and I feel horrible because I know I took it our on Julian and he has no fault in this. I scolded him out my own frustration. He was having a bad day too and I could not handle it. He was crying because he just wanted me to hold him I lost it. I couldn’t stop myself from crying, poor thing he just looked at me so helpless. I am the parent here I am not supposed to loose it like this. I just feel like I am drowning. I cannot find my way back to shore. This whole time I thought I was handling this so well but I guess I part of me was still feeling numb or just in denial. It is so hard to really come to terms with this. It has almost been two months and I feel like I just now starting to realize what has happened. How was this beautiful child taken from me? It’s not fair and I am having such a hard time with this. Right now I feel like the way I did when I had to hand her over. I feel like I cannot breath and I cannot control these tears. God help me!!! I am back at square one and I am scared. I want to have the strength to get through this. Maybe I am trying to rush my feelings and not allowing myself to really feel this pain.
This is horrible, Christmas is a few days away and I should be feeling some sort of warm feelings. I have not even bought Julian anything! Again, I feel so bad that I am not been a good mom to him. It is just so hard for me to ask people for help. It is hard to admit that I need help. Again I am drowning, I feel like I am trying to get up but people cannot reach me. Perhaps they don’t know what do once they get me out. For people who have never been through this it’s a helpless feeling.