Saturday, December 19, 2009

I am drowning


Last night I cried myself to sleep. I hadn’t done that in a couple weeks. I have been feeling so lonely and I cannot console my aching heart. This morning when I woke up I really wanted to believe it was going to be a better day but, no today has been by far the worst day I have had in a long time.

My husband has been working long hours and I really have not had the chance to spend time with him. I am not used to that because ever since Sami was born we have pretty much been together all the time. Being home without him has been so hard, not sure if it’s because the holidays, I have just been feeling so blue. When he is home I just feel like we are on different pages. It is making me really sad. I suppose I can go somewhere to distract myself but I just do not feel like it. All around me I see happy people and it makes me so angry. I am angry that I cannot be like them. I just want for one minute to feel “normal.” I do not even know what that means anymore.

Today I seriously had a meltdown and I feel horrible because I know I took it our on Julian and he has no fault in this. I scolded him out my own frustration. He was having a bad day too and I could not handle it. He was crying because he just wanted me to hold him I lost it. I couldn’t stop myself from crying, poor thing he just looked at me so helpless. I am the parent here I am not supposed to loose it like this. I just feel like I am drowning. I cannot find my way back to shore. This whole time I thought I was handling this so well but I guess I part of me was still feeling numb or just in denial. It is so hard to really come to terms with this. It has almost been two months and I feel like I just now starting to realize what has happened. How was this beautiful child taken from me? It’s not fair and I am having such a hard time with this. Right now I feel like the way I did when I had to hand her over. I feel like I cannot breath and I cannot control these tears. God help me!!! I am back at square one and I am scared. I want to have the strength to get through this. Maybe I am trying to rush my feelings and not allowing myself to really feel this pain.

This is horrible, Christmas is a few days away and I should be feeling some sort of warm feelings. I have not even bought Julian anything! Again, I feel so bad that I am not been a good mom to him. It is just so hard for me to ask people for help. It is hard to admit that I need help. Again I am drowning, I feel like I am trying to get up but people cannot reach me. Perhaps they don’t know what do once they get me out. For people who have never been through this it’s a helpless feeling.

8 comments:

Just Breathe said...

My heart is heavy with your sorrow. This has got to be so terrible for you. I am so sorry. I am going to pray for your comfort and for your strength to push forward, giving Julian a little bit of Christmas. All he really needs is your love. ((HUGS))

Mattie said...

I am praying for you right now. May peace and comfort surround you and your family and hold you tight through this sorrow. If we could, my son and I would like to send you some things for Julian. If that is ok, email me with your mailing address. mattie.wells@yahoo.com

Once A Mother said...

praying for you. i went through many months, still do at times, of drowning. my hubs and i totally grieved differently too. you will get through this. it will feel impossible, especially christmas, but you will get through. it is unfair though, you are so right about that. she was beautiful and i wish she was here with you.

Busy Momma said...

i just wanted to send big hugs out to you. just when you think things are looking up something happens and you fall apart again, i understand. christmas will be hard, you can pull thru. lean on those around you, try not to be scared to ask for help even tho it's hard.

Holly said...

Men and women can grieve so differently and that can be hard, especially when you want them to react a certain way and they don't.

You can think you're doing so well and then fall back and that is completely normal. Grief really is like the waves.

Laura said...

Keep writing...keep talking and asking for help. This is so hard, so painful and full of so many different emotions. You are an amazing mama...

Praying for you tonight

Malory said...

Everything you wrote about is very very normal. The shock is wearing off. That numb feeling is easing you into the pain. It will come in waves but you WILL make it through. This blog will help you, your son will help you, we will help you, time will help you. There will be days that you can breathe again. I just went out & bought my son some gifts. You have a double whammy dealing with Christmas so soon after your loss. I will be praying for moments of peace for you.

AnnaMarie said...

(((hugs)))

After the loss of your daughter it's no wonder that warm holiday feelings are absent. I'm so sorry your numbness surrounding Sami's death is wearing off just as it seems like everyone else is enjoying the holidays.

Lisette, everyone needs help sometimes and I imagine there are people around you who want to help but don't know what to do. Perhaps you can recruit someone to watch Julian while you and a family member or friend buy gifts for him.

And you are a wonderful mom to both of your children! They just are pulling you in different directions right now.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday.

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