Life today

Life today is great, we have a new addition to our family. Christian Joseph was born in May 2014. I cannot believe that I have allowed once again for so much time to pass without writing in this blog but I have had my hands full.
Julian is currently playing baseball and kicking butt in school. Emma is not in school yet will be soon. Chrisian started to crawl so I am constantly chasing after him and I love it. He has brought us so much joy that I feel like my heart is going to burst at any point.

Julian and Emma feel the same way as they always tell him how much they love him. Julian of course always reminds that he is heaven sent because that is what Sami wanted. He made a wish for a baby brother and she made it happen. That boy still is still sweet and sensitive. Emma is a little fire cracker and makes me laugh daily.
Life is busy that is for sure but life is GREAT!

Feeling guilty about not posting

How did I let this happen again? I said I was not going to go so long without writing but well it is obvious that did not happen. I have gone so long and so much has happened.
First I want to start off by saying that although I do not need this blog as much as I did before does not mean that I no longer needed it completely. Now that I am a stay home mom I really just do not have the time like I did before. From sun up until sundown I am just constantly on the go and when I finally do have a chance to rest I am exhausted. I feel guilty because I should make more of an effort. Not a single moment has passed that I do not think of the reason behind this blog and that of course is my precious Sami.

I am happy to announce another rainbow baby is going to join our family soon. I am expecting another son on May 28th. This pregnancy has been really enjoyable. I have allowed myself the chance to really enjoy it unlike Emma's. I was so terrified with her pregnancy and I feel like I missed out on so much. This time around it is different, perhaps because I know this is my last time being pregnant ever. We have decided this is it, our family is complete. We are happy and content with our decision.

Sami is already four and half and I am starting to think of ways to celebrate her fifth birthday. It is a big milestone so I feel like I really need to do something big. I have a few things in mind but nothing for sure. For her last birthday we kept it low key and sent her some balloons. It is still weird that we have to celebrate her birthday that way but it is was it is and I accept and make the best of it. It is not easy by any means but I can handle it so much better. Those raw emotions are not so intense anymore although I still have my moments where something triggers me and it will knock me on my butt in second. Moments like the other day when Emma was acting out scenes from the movie Frozen and she asked me where her sister Sami was. That stung like crazy but all I can do is try my best to explain this to her and make her understand our situation is unique. Julian still talks about her so freely and so openly that I pray it never changes. For school recently her took her Molly bear to share with his class. I love that about him so much and it makes me so proud of him. He is never worried about strange looks or comments from anyone. I admire him so much for that and he continues to teach me new things everyday. I still feel weird when people ask me the dreaded question "how many kids do you have?" I always have to answer honestly especially when I am around Julian because he will correct me in a second.

Before I go for now here is a little update on our family.
Julian is already six and almost done with kindergarten. He is excelling in school especially in reading. There is nothing that kid cannot read, it's amazing. He is also doing so well in baseball, he LOVES it.

 

Emma is almost three and is finally fully potty trained. She is always singing and dancing around. She talks all day long and is my little sidekick. She is funny, feisty and so loveable. Her hugs and kisses just melt my heart and everyone around her. Julian loves her and protects her like crazy I pray she will be the same way with her new baby brother.

 

 

 

My husband is still my knight and shinning armor, each day he does something to just make me feel so loved and I can't ask for more. He is such a hard worker and takes such good care of us even when we get on each other's nerves.

 

 

Easter 2014

 

 



 



 

 

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it has been nearly a year since my last post. I feel guilty about that but I think I really needed the break. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of Sami but I think my thoughts were just too personal to share.
I am struggling with her up coming birthday, 4 years!!!! Lately anything can make me cry, seeing little kids her age give me anxiety. I can't explain it, I guess it's just part of me grieving and I am trying to understand it. Julian has been talking about her birthday for weeks now and I think it's cute but at the same time it crushes me because I feel like he has been cheated by our reality. Isn't he just way to young to understand death? This kid just amazes me, it started maybe about five weeks ago or so. We were having breakfast and he said so serious "mom, we need to start planning Sami's birthday already" I was taken back a little because we had not talked about this. Then he goes on about it being her 4th birthday which really shocked me because again we never talk about her age, I mean do but not with my five year old. So I asked him what he had in mind and he said lots and lots of balloons and cake he said everything pink of course. I love our Sami conversations because he is just so open about it. He asked me how I think she celebrates in heaven and if she knows he can read now. He always tells me he loves and misses her. Emma walked in the kitchen in mid conversation and he tells her in a sweet little voice about her big sister so then she is walking around saying "Tami" because that's just how she says it. I tried so hard not to break down and cry because I don't ever want him to feel like he can't talk to me about her without making me cry.
I just miss her so darn much and wondering how my life would be like with her sometimes just knocks me on my butt. I look at Emma and I can't help but wonder those things. It wasn't like that before but I think because she is getting older and getting her own little personality (feisty one at that) that these thoughts just start.
Through the years I have learned that time doesn't heal all wounds like most people think. I will always have an open wound in my heart and sometimes I guess it stings a little more. I have not decided how or what we will this year for Sami but what ever we do decide Julian will have the final say. I know it will be special to us no matter how we plan it.
I was planning on writing more but Emma is behind me making water puddles on the floor so I have to go. It feels good writing I must admit, it's been way too long.

Happy 3rd birthday

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY SAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

How quickly these three years have passed yet it seems like just yesterday I held her in my arms. Today has brought many tears and so many smiles because of how many people have reached out to us in rememberence of Sami. So many wonderful people that I have crossed paths with because of my little beauty. Three years ago I was angry, sad and lost. I couldn't see past a few hours let alone see myself three years later. How much life has changed more than anything how much I have changed. I have grown in so many ways and I have her to thank. Life is not always fair and that ok, life is not always wonderful and that is ok to because without those moments who would not be able to appreciate the little things. I am not always little miss sunshine here but I am able to take a moment during the difficult times and say to myself this shall pass.

Today we have a busy day planned, we are going to the cemetary and putting flowers at the babyland for her little friends then having yummy cupcakes oh we can't forget the balloons despite the crazy Santa Ana winds. My husband decided we should get away this weekend so we are going to do just that. October 26th is a day of celebration and that is just what we are going to do.

Sami, mommy loves and misses you. I am certain you are able to see and see my love.

Your alive in my heart.

 

Big brother hugs for you





Remembering

Today I remember my precious daughter and all babies gone too soon.
It makes me sad that so many people have suffered the loss of a child but it makes me smile today knowing that someone out there is remembering them. Please do not be afraid to speak of this, I promise you it is not something that is not contagious.
Infant loss happened to me, never in a million years did I think of this but you know what I am stronger because of this loss. Because of my daughter I feel like I can conquer anything, I have already went through the hardest thing possible so now anything that comes my way I know I can over come it.
Thank you Sami for giving me the strength to continue on, I hope I am making you proud. I love you so much baby girl.
I leave you pictures from our Walk to Remember.

I am sorry

I am sorry I have neglected your blog Sami. I feel horrible about it. In my head I have written post after post but I obviously do nothing, well I can't say that. I start a post but never publish it for some reason or another. So much time has passed and your birthday is just around the corner. It is hard to believe three years have almost passed.
I have to say I am in a better place now but the pain of you missing is always there. I guess you can say I have just learned to cope without you. I am sure you know that baby girl not a single day goes by that I don't think of you. Have you noticed Emma kissing your pictures? Julian still says good night to you and talks about you everyday. I love how you visit him often.
The memorial walk in next month and I am looking forward to it. I love hearing your name out loud so the world can here it. Of course balloons will be sent up for you. I hope you can see it and feel our love.
This post is short but I PROMISE I won't neglect this blog anymore. I need it more than ever as your birthday approaches. I love you so much my love.

Valentine's Day

We love and miss you so much my love. This morning your brother woke me up and said we had to go buy you flowers and balloons because it was Balentine's day. He said it means love, thanks to the Sprout channel.  He is a day early but who cares, he thinks of you just like I do... ALL THE TIME. I miss you more than words can say. On this day and everyday we love you and send you millions of kisses to heaven.
I decided to take a picture of you three and wouldn't you know it, Julian leans over to kiss Emma and I got a perfect shot.

Happy Valentine's day!!!

How I wish we could all be together now....

I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT MY 3 LOVES!

Your a lucky girl Sami

Sami, you are one lucky girl to have Julian as your big brother. Not one day goes by that he doesn't think of you and mention your name. He loves you and I know he misses you. I love to hear him tell Emma that she has another sister but she lives with Papa Jesus. He isn't afraid to mention your name to anyone and I love that. He makes me so so proud of him. I would fear that he was to young you remember you but I was wrong, so wrong.  Last week I was about to begin cleaning up Emma's room but she just looked so cute and I had to take a picture of her. While I was doing that Julian was next me making music (more like banging Emma's blocks) when I heard him sing a song to you. I wish I would have thought of switching my camera to movie mode earlier to catch him when he started but I was so taken back that I just sat there and enjoyed his song to you. I did get to record it but it's hard to hear him clearly. His lyrics went something like, "Sami is a baby, Sami is a baby, she lives in my heart, she lives in my heart" what a beautiful song huh? Did you hear it in heaven my love? I sure hope you did. Here is what I was able to get, listen carefully at the very beginning, before "twinkle twinkle little star"
Do you come into his dreams? Is that how he knows you so well? I love that he loves you so much. I love you too little one.

BEFORE WATCHING BE SURE TO TURN OFF MY MUSIC PLAYER AT THE BOTTOM.

Marie

Yesterday I had my brother and his family over, I love that they all visit me now that I am closer. Anyhow the day was peaceful as can be but I went to bed thinking about Marie. Well she came to me in my dream. I woke up this morning so excited because it has been a while since I had a dream of her. Well in this dream it was yesterday all over again even to the clothes everyone was wearing but Marie was there. It was a like a movie because only I could see her and talk to her yet no one was able to notice me. She walked into the kitchen and I almost knocked her down because I ran to hug her, that hug felt so darn real that I can still feel that now. I was telling her how much I missed her and she she said she missed me too. I asked for Sami and all she said was that she was nearby. I wish I could have seen her (sigh). Anyhow, I asked her if she had seen Emma and she said of course she has and she couldn't believe how fast she was growing. She said she loved the new house and knew how happy I was to be here. The entire time we were having this conversation was she standing next to my brother and she said she missed everyone very much but she is always near them never far behind. I remember feeling sad that they weren't able to feel her but she kept reassuring me that she is always with them and that hopefully they feel her from time to time. I didn't want the time to end but the next thing I knew she was gone and our conversations continued like nothing. She looked beautiful and radiant like always and this time she was wearing white not pink like she usually does. Marie was a beautiful woman but wow heaven has made her look even better. That one in a million smile is brighter, her laughter is bigger and she literally glows now. It brings me such peace when I have dreams of her, I can't wait to see her again.

Now that I am on this subject, on Saturday we went to celebrate my friend's daughter one year in heaven. Not sure if you guys remember but last year she left too soon because of cancer. Anyhow, the balloon release was held at her graveside and it was perfect. The weather was nice and most of all my friend was surrounded by many many people.

An S for Samantha Jordan!!!

Well you know how I mention from time to time that Julian is special? Well as we were getting Emma in her car seat my husband I heard him talking (he was in front next to us) and he said "stop talking to me little angel's" we were like what? So we stopped our conversation so we could him better and again he said "stop talking to me little angel's you are scaring me" then he got in the truck like nothing. We didn't want to mention it to him but he said he seen papa Jesus there so we asked him who he was talking to but he couldn't really explain to us why. Again, my son is SPECIAL!!!!

MIA

That has been me lately, missing in action! I seriously cannot believe I have not posted anything in two months, yes that is right two months. So much has been going on and I just haven't had time or Internet.
We sold our house right before the holiday's so I have been packing, moving and unpacking all before Christmas while my husband was out of town for work. Things were hectic and I think they are finally starting to settle down. Great way to start 2012, happy new year's to everyone.

Recap.... Thanksgiving, it was nice, we shared it with my family. Emma and Julian seemed to like it so that made me feel better. Holiday's are always hard because I know someone is missing but thankfully this Thanksgiving wasn't as hard as last year. We went camping that weekend so it helped me stay busy.

Julian had a black eye from the weekend before : (

I love these two little one's they keep me grounded that is for sure.












Emma is a little character and knows how to get what she wants. She will reach high and low until she gets her target and if she doesn't get it you will hear her from a mile away, lol.

Emma and her crazy camping hair!

Add caption

All better after a bath

  The move to a new city closer to my family is something I have been wanting for years and I couldn't be happier.  I am sad we left our old house because we had so many memories there but those memories will always be in my heart and new memories are to be made at our new place so I try not to dwell to much on the change. The house is bigger and my husband will be able to keep his horse in the backyard so I cannot complain.  Someone upstairs was looking out for us!!!! Moving right before the holiday's was challenging but we did it and still managed to put up a Christmas tree for the kids. 

I LOVE MY KITCHEN!!!

The new Delgado residence

Christmas Eve

My 3 loves

Always in my heart

My new Sami ornament 

Can't forget the picture with Santa, I still have to scan the one with her smiling but this will do for now...

Happy New Year's to you all

As you can see my days have been filled with lots of love and smiles, I am one blessed girl and I thank God everyday for it.

Recap of Sami's birthday

I have been HORRIBLE at posting, I just can't find the time these days and that is because I am home! When I finally get a chance I am just so ready for bed.
Sami's day went great, we delivered our care packages, went to Disneyland (Emma's first time there) and then we did our sky lantern release. It was busy, emotional and beautiful. By the end of the night I was drained and I don't think I have fully recovered. I mean it was like all of a sudden my body shut down because now I feel a pretty bad cold coming on (great).
When we finally came home and sang happy birthday to her Julian just made me really fall apart. He in his little voice said "I miss Sami" it through me off because he has never said something like and then he went on saying "remenber (that is how he pronounces it) me gave her cheerios?" My goodness my boy was just a few weeks shy of being two, how could he remember? I lost it, completely lost it at that point thinking about that makes me want to cry again. I hope Emma knows her sister in a special way like Julian. He understanding of her life is so beautiful. I tell my husband that I hope Julian and Emma know the meaning and significance of October 26 to our family. I am sad that MANY people (family) didn't bother to call us or text us on her day but I am trying not to dwell on that, it is what it is. For everyone who did remember THANK YOU a million times because that is what really helped me get through that day.
November is another difficult day for me because that was the day of her actual service and the last time I physically held her last. So hard to get back on track. I know November is a month to be thankful and I am really trying to focus on that but right now my heart is still a little sore I will join that movement in a few days.
I will leave you with a few pictures of her special day, I wish I would have gotten better pictures of the sky lantern release but I was trying to record video, take pictures and taking it all in.

We stopped her brick

Emma amazed by Minnie Mouse

We bought our little angel her Minnie ears and below it was her name, it was meant to be.

Right before we did a balloon release at the castle

Off they went to her

Sami's Minnie ears

The sky lanterns

Couldn't capture the beauty of them : (

These didn't fly as easy as I hoped for

A gift to her from another angel mom

Wearing her ears

Julian holding her after we sang to her