Is it weird that I do not look forward to the weekends? Only because during the week it's the same routine, same people... they know the situation and no questions are asked. It's kind of like I am in a protected shell. However on the weekends it's going places, seeing new people and they do ask questions. "When are you due?" "Do you know what you are having?" BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... Just makes me want tp come home and cry.
I want to pretend that all is well because so many times that is how I feel but there is always that black cloud following me. A constant reminder. Perhaps I feel that way so I do not feel so attached but I think it is a little too late for that. I have a little baby moving in my belly and everyday she seems to be moving more and more. She doesn't let me forget about her!!! Lol
We bought a fetal heart doppler to listen for her heart. Gives me a peace of mind that all is well with her. I look forward to listing to heart everyday but because it sounds so normal it so hard to imagine something is really wrong with her. It's a big contradiction in my head and heart. I want to just enjoy the times I have with her without worrying but it's just not possible. Then I wonder would it be worse to just find out all the defects at birth with no prior warnings or my situation now? I guess my situation, although hard it is better in a sense because I don't take any moment of this pregnancy for granted. I have aches and pains but that doesn't even matter, she is still alive and growing and that what is most important. Sami has to be growing all right because Lord knows her Momma sure is!! (I am always hungry)
I have two birthday parties to go today, although I am not as excited as a should be I will go and face the questions and people touching my belly and just make the best of it. I should be proud of this belly of mine, it is a blessing in every way possible. With Julian I couldn't wait for him to be born, I counted the days down and this time... Not so much, I want time to slow down so that I can have this time with her. In a sense that sounds selfish of me but it's true, I don't want to share her. I want to be the one to protect her and give her what she needs right now. I am sure she feels all the love that I have for her and we have not even met face to face yet! God is amazing to let that happen.
1 year ago