Friday, January 08, 2010

The new me...

It has been a while since I have written but I honestly just have not been in the mood to do so!
I am really glad the holidays are over. Christmas was actually really nice, I received some gifts for Sami that were very touching. We also received many letters for her that I have now put into a mini scrapbook for her. I loved putting that together, it made me feel happy. I love knowing mhow much she touched people's lives. For New Year’s we went camping. It took me a while to decide to go. I am pretty boring these days (my poor husband). I thought I was ready but most of the time I was there I just wanted to be alone and I really wanted to go home. I try to find joy in the things I used to love but it is so hard. I thought it would make me feel better to get on quad and just be free like I used to be however that did not work so I did not ride it much. It took a lot of talking to myself to really get it together and just go with it and enjoy it. With time I suppose I will feel differently. I felt bad because everyone around me was having fun and really trying to make me feel happy.It is hard for people to understand that I am a different person now. I cannot say it was a wasted weekend because now looking back I am glad I went. Getting away from home was nice and much needed for my husband and I. I plan on having many more camping trips this year.

I have officially realized that my life no matter how I try is never going to be the same. I just hope that my new life is not going to affect my relationships with family and friends. I say that because I see that happening now and it is sad to say but I just do not care. My resolution for this year is to just be the best mother and wife I can be because that is what keeps me going everyday. Other people come and go and I am not going to be sad if they decide to not be a part of my life at this point. I have so many issues to deal with that I am not going to feel bad if I offend anyone while I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life. My heart is so broken and it will forever be that way and I cannot make anyone understand why I am the way I am now. For some people they just cannot understand what I have been through this year and I understand that. Unless you have been through this you will never be able to comprehend how much it changes you. Everyone else’s life remains the same and they get to move on and go about their day for me on the other hand life moves on but it is with a totally different outlook. Things that would get to me before no longer do, things that did not bother me before now do! I am not as passive as I was before, I am not as judgmental and I am able understand other people’s feelings and lives in general. I am sad that it had to take all this for me to see life so differently. I cannot look back at my life with regrets because that will never help me heal.

My husband and I have decided that we really need to go to counseling, we are fine now but I know with time if we let things just go as they are we will regret not doing this early on. I have called a few places and I am waiting for them to call me back. I hope that we can go in soon for our first session. I love my husband so much and I know that together we can over come anything and if that means getting some help along the way I have no problem with that. We are still young and to be faced with the death of our child is just so hard to comprehend. 9 months is not a long time to have your life completely changed. Sami’s life was something that we dreamt about for years, she was going to help us complete our family and she has but just not in a way that we wanted. I am just having a hard time knowing that physically she cannot be here. I think we are both having a hard time, it’s almost been 3 months and yet it feels like it was just yesterday that she was in our arms. It breaks my heart to hear him cry for his little girl but I cannot help him because I do not know what to do, I hurt just as much. I really believe that this year is going to be better. I mean I cannot have another difficult year like 2009! I am going to come out stronger from all of this and hopefully be able to be happy with the new me.


Mattie said...

I hope you have a great 2010! I have been wondering how you were doing and am really glad to hear that your holidays went as well as they could.

AnnaMarie said...

It is both kind of difficult and kind of a relief when you realize that you can't return to who you were before. It's sad but also you don't have to keep waiting to feel like your "old self".

Good for you and your hubby for seeking counseling! I hope you find a great counselor soon.

Holly said...

There's a lot of things now that I just don't care about. Things or people that I may have cared about or that bugged me before. It all just doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. As long as I have my own family with me that's all that matters.

Karol said...

I just found your post and wanted to say that I ache with you. This pain of loving our little ones is incomprehensible.

Once A Mother said...

Lisette, hardly a day goes by that I don't think of you and pray for you. I know how difficult these first months are especially, and my heart breaks to know the depths of grief that you are in right now. If there is anything I can do for you, please call on me.

I wanted to let you know that I got your donations and posted them to today. Wow! Your generosity blows me away. Sami would be so proud of her momma offering so much help to other little babies. You are an angel.

Thinking of you xx

crystal theresa said...

I feel pretty "boring," as well. I don't like going out; I don't like socializing. Whenever I'm in a large group of people - even if it is relatives - I begin to feel awkward and misplaced. I'm starting to adjust to this "new me" after losing Calvin, and I also don't care if people choose not to be in my life because of how/who I am right now. I have my husband. I have God, and I'm definitely learning to lean on him more.

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