Sunday, January 31, 2010

I am so angry...

I am not sure at where all this anger is stemming from but boy is it ever so present. I am angry at everything yet at nothing if that makes any sense at all. These past few days I just can't seem to shake it off and it is driving me crazy because I hate feeling this way. I hate being mad all the time and not knowing why. Am I angry for having people close to me not give a shit about what I am feeling? Am I angry because I want to run away and I can't? Or is that I am just angry that I do not have my daughter and I just can't understand why? I am not sure if I am confusing my feelings of sadness for anger. I try to tell myself to just let it go but for some reason this week I can't. I don't know if I am still angry about the picture thing or if I am angry that no one close to me really understands what I am going through. It is no one's fault and I cannot hold them accountable for not knowing what to do or say. I myself do not even know what I want of people. Do I want to be left alone or deep down inside do I just want someone to grab me and give me hug and cry with me? I can't be constantly telling people what I need or want all the time because for someone who has never been through this it can get annoying. For so long I have been one person and now I am this moody, don't care type of person. For people that are going through this, how do you handle having a person close to you not be there for you when you need it the most? I don't want to be resentful but I seriously can't help it. I am not sure how to go about those relationships. So if someone out there knows the answer please feel and share that with me.

Alright enough of that now... on a good note, I finally took a picture of Sami's bear (her urn) and I thought I would share. She is still missing her wings but I just ordered them today so I will update her picture when they come in. On another note I have been brain storming ideas as to how I want to help others in Sami's name. I have a few at the moment but nothing concrete so I will share that at a later time. I just have this feeling that I need to do something. Little by little I am starting to get motivated. Hopefully that will help me in my grieving. Oh gosh grieving that word sounds so weird to me, perhaps it is just part of my denial. I think I need to stop writting now before I drive myself crazy. My poor husband, I have been horrible these past few days! My mind is going a million miles per minute, it is going to short circuit soon. I just re read this post and boy is it out there!


April said...

I think the anger is just part of the whole grief cycle. I have been going through it too. Some days I am not angry but maybe sad, happy or even numb and others I am so angry and just don't know why. I think what you are feeling is normal. I know that doesn't help at all, but I just wanted to let you know that many women feel the same way after losing a child.

Sami's bear is really cute. That is a wonderful way to remember her!

I know what you mean about wanting to help others. Some days I think about what I can do to help but before I even get started, the vicous grief cycle turns again and I lose all motivation. Goodluck! I hope you are able to find something to do that will help you grieve.

AnnaMarie said...

No, you feelings and thoughts written here are not out there, anger is part of grieving. And you are 3 months into missing Sami which is about when the numbness starts to wear off.

Well, how I handled anger may not work for you but you never know. Eventually, instead of feeling ashamed and upset with myself for being so hopelessly pissed off at everything and everyone I just let it flow and explored anger. Creating gardens really helped me release some anger, as did some boxing lessons, and screaming into a pillow when I was alone in the house. Solitary activities were good for me because I was seething so much of the time. I lost some friends, and that hurt at the time but now I see that I really don't want to be around those people anymore.

Explore ways to channel your angry energy into something non harmful. I'm very interested to hear what will help you. But don't get frustrated when it takes a long time to work through your anger, just keep going through it (ignoring it won't work). I promise you that you will feel peace again.

Sami's bear is so precious - thank you for sharing it :)

Jill said...

I have the battle against anger often. It all seems to be a part of grief and I think I feel anger for so many reasons just like you are mentioning. I know it is hard and frustrating. Grief is a process so be patient with yourself. I love Sami's bear. It is so sweet! ((HUGS))

Holly said...

Love Sami's bear! The angel wings will add the perfect touch to it! The anger is just a normal part of the cycle of grief. I know it doesn't feel nice but you won't feel the anger forever. It just sucks having to deal with it.

The Ramirez Family said...

I can honestly say I know how you feel. I will out of the blue just get so mad and not know why. Last night after some friends left our house it was a mess and I got so mad I started to cry. I see pregnant women and I have to run to get away from them because I will get the urge to go yell at them. What we are experiencing is normal and I know it will ease with time. In a way we were cheated so many experiences with our little angels. I try and remind myself that I was chosen by God to have this perfect spirit. He doesn't just choose anyone. It helps sometimes. I am so very sorry that you had go go through this. I wish no one did. Sami looks so beautiful in her pictures. I know she was very loved and wanted by you!
I personally think that the sooner you can start your projects in honor of her it will help turn you anger around into something more positive. Use all of the energy to help ease the pains of others and hopefully it will help ease your own. Thats what I am hoping for me. I feel like I am going crazy. I have lost the person i used to be and I want me back. Just make sure you take time for yourself and work through things at your own speed.

Sorry if I have contradicted myself, but I feel for ya and with ya. I'm here if you need to talk, vent or need a shoulder to cry on.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I wish i knew how to fill this void, all i can say is i am here with arms wide open. God Bless you I love Ya!Marisa

crystal theresa said...

Sami's bear is super cute. I think it's perfect for your darling girl.

As for the anger, one of the counselors in my support group said that we should honor our feelings, even that of anger. He pointed out that anger is a form of protecting ourselves. It's hard to see it that way when you're in the middle of being pissed, but it has helped me to be a little bit more accepting and forgiving of myself.

One day, we will find peace with our losses. I believe that now - though I didn't for a long time.


Once A Mother said...

I think that is beautiful, the bear urn. I wish I had something like that to hold close when I am really, really missing Peyton.

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