Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I Worry

Can someone lend me their book on life? I need a manual that will assure me that I will make it through all of this. This past year has been so hard. I haven’t been married that long even though we have been together forever and married life can sometimes be a little complicated. Add a toddler in the mix, the death of a child and a house worth nothing thanks to our wonderful economy! That can test someone right? This month we have needed to do repairs to the house because our restrooms had never been upgraded since 1982, so it was time. Brakes and little minor stuff to our truck can also add up. Financially I was never worried, now I am. I know it will get better but I just HATE having that added stress to my list of things.

I had not posted in what seems like a long time but I just wasn’t motivated enough to finish a post. I started some but they never were finished, oh well. Nothing new, some days are good other’s not so much. I just want to run away, run from it all to a place where I can clear my head. I worry about everything and everyone even though I know they could less about me. It’s just what I do, worry! I worry that someone else close to me is going to die. Death is always in my head. I hate it, I wish it would just go away. This morning I had a scary dream that there was a deputy at my front door telling me that my husband was in a really bad car accident and he died. It was so real, I literally jumped out of bed and opened my front door, it was that real. My heart was pounding it scared the crap out of me. I had to call him to make sure he was ok, thank goodness he is. I miss being myself. I feel like this is someone else’s life not mine. This is not what I signed up for!

This weekend my honey is going away for the weekend with his friends and I am glad. I don’t mean that in a bad way, don’t get me wrong. We just all need a little break from life everyday. It can become such a routine and everything about it becomes a unwanted task. He tells me I need to do the same and I know he is right but I just cannot leave Julian for a weekend. I miss him like crazy being away from him while I am work as it is already. One weekend I will, I made a promise to myself that I have to keep. I hope he has fun and is really able to clear his mind. For the past few weeks we have not been as close as we normally are, I know we are both stressed over our home. It is just not worth anything yet we are paying like it is. Not sure what we will end up doing but hopefully soon we will decide. I always told myself that our home was not a permanent home because it is so far from my family but now that we might have to give it up I feel an attachment to it, go figure!  I hate this feeling so much. Economy please fix yourself soon, lol.

Enough of that on a sweet note, Julian continues to still my heart. I love him so much and he just fills me with so much joy. He is talking so much now, I love it. Last Thursday I was getting him ready for bed and he told me he wanted to go home. I was like we are home what are you talking about. He kept saying, “no mom, home”, he pointed up to the ceiling so I was playing along with him but then he said home with baby ouchie!!! Every time he talks about Sami he said baby ouchie. He always remembers her little head. I couldn’t believe it!!! I was just amazed, happy and sad at the same moment. Last night too he said something about that and that there is a door with baby ouchie, he even said "come on." My husband heard that and just looked over at me. He says it so innocently like he has been there with her or something. It gives me comfort to know he sees her there and she is safe in heaven. I want to cry just thinking about it. Heaven is real, like I said in my last post there is a part of me there. Everyday I thank God for watching my precious girl and for being such a strong presence in our lives. Julian always speaks of Him like he is part of our family. As a matter of fact this weekend my niece (10 yrs) was amazed that he kept saying that he wanted to go to Jesus house since we had passed by church on Friday. She was like what 2 yr old wants to go there! Saturday morning he remembered because he kept asking to go. We did end up going to mass that evening and he sat there and was so well behaved. He is adorable because he does the sign of the cross when he walks in and when it comes time to kneel he does and puts his little hands together. I wish I could have a photo of that, it is seriously adorable to see. I just think it would be weird to take a picture in the middle of a regular mass, lol. I hope he continues to grow with such strong faith in the Lord. It makes me proud that my son is so in touch with Him at such young age. When I feel at my weakest I just stop and look at Julian because he has defiantly assured me that He is real.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11


Franchesca said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time Lisette! Hoping things get better, it seems like when it rains, it pours. I hope you really do have a weekend getaway and get to clear your mind. I think we all need that sometime. Your son sounds adorable!!! Please picture... soon ;)

oh, btw... you did the sidebar scrolly thingy! :)

belle said...

my mom just sent me the book "6 big big big angels" by mary jo pennington

if it's the only $15 you spend before christmas... DO IT! :D it's about a 4 year old who falls and is caught by real angels and goes to heaven and she talks about things that a 4 year old could NEVER possibly know.... her mom/grandmom found Biblical proof of the things she says she saw.... you will cry the whole time and be so comforted!

i have no doubt in my mind that your sweet julian has seen sami and that he probably even talks to her and visits with her.


April said...

It is so hard to deal with more than the everyday stress when you are grieving and just trying to make it through each day. I'm happy that God has blessed you with such a sweet little boy to get you through this. Times will be better and you will be a stronger woman for surving through this. Although, I'm sure you would rather be weak and have your little Sami...

I hope you get your weekend away soon! Remember to take it all one day at a time!

Oh, and I completely believe you that Julian sees Sami! I think God allows our little ones to peak at the ones we have lost, to give us adults Hope and strengthen our Faith.

Hope's Blog said...

I am so sorry the everyday stresses and this economy are getting you down (added to all the other stuff). I was hoping it would have turned around by now too. Hopefully soon we can all breathe a little easier and know that our house values are not going to drop anymore.

I hope you do get a weekend away. I know it is hard to think of leaving Julian, but it will refresh you and hopefully give you a break from the 'normal' stresses of everyday life.

I know Julian sees Sami and I truly believe all of our little ones see angels all the time. I think they are so innocent that they get to glimpse into perfection.

Wishing you were closer and we could both get away for a weekend...a spa sounds great right now.

Lori said...

I can relate to a LOT of this!! I have always been a worrier...actually given the diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, lucky counselor is sweet and tells me that if all the things that have happened in my life had happened to her, she'd be a high anxiety person too!!

I never worried about John before Matthew died (and he's a military test pilot, for Pete's sake!)...but now, when he walks out the door, I wonder if I'll ever see him again.

We have not one but TWO houses that are WAY underwater (thanks military moves AND economy!) and may be looking at moving next year and not living in EITHER and still being so stuck with horrible mortgages!! It terrifies me.

And then I just think that I thought I would die the day Matthew died. I didn't. I thought I would die the day after Matthew died. I didn't. I thought I would die the next day and the next day, and by the grace of God, I didn't.

SO...I just tell myself that I cannot worry about things I cannot control and that I've already had the worst thing I can imagine happening and I survive. We survive. If we had to go bankrupt and lose our house, John would still have a job and we'd just make do. I guess I just try and think about what the WORST thing that could happen is and then realize that it's still not the worst that could happen.

I'm trying to figure a way out to find that perspective with John and now with Luke, because I lose one of them would devastate me and fall right in the category of losing Matthew...but as hard as it is to say that, I am surviving without Matthew, and I know that God would grant me the strength I'd need to survive still. This is the hardest to really believe, though.

Thinking of you.

Mary said...

I am right there with you Miss Lissette. Stress upon stress upon missing our little ones.

With Out My Punkin said...

What a sweet sweet boy you have! I am w/you, some days I want to throw my hands up in the air and disappear, get away from it all!

Holly said...

Things have seem to hit us all at once financially too. We know we'll get through it all and be ok but it sucks! We trust that God will provide but I can't help but secretly wish to win the lottery (even though I've never played lol)!

A wkend away sounds like a good idea! It's hard for me to leave Kyndra too so I can relate to that. Although I've let her stay with my mom for a week twice this summer! That's a big step! Esp when she had never been away from me before.

elena said...

I was a worrier before having Lilly so I understand the worry. And death is on my mind too. I want to enjoy every minute with everyone I am close to and I find myself thinking in "Ifs"

Financial stresses can be so frustratingly difficult.

I hope that you are able to get your weekend away. It is definitely hard to leave our little ones at home, I know that feeling as I do it every time I go to work.

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