I had not posted in what seems like a long time but I just wasn’t motivated enough to finish a post. I started some but they never were finished, oh well. Nothing new, some days are good other’s not so much. I just want to run away, run from it all to a place where I can clear my head. I worry about everything and everyone even though I know they could less about me. It’s just what I do, worry! I worry that someone else close to me is going to die. Death is always in my head. I hate it, I wish it would just go away. This morning I had a scary dream that there was a deputy at my front door telling me that my husband was in a really bad car accident and he died. It was so real, I literally jumped out of bed and opened my front door, it was that real. My heart was pounding it scared the crap out of me. I had to call him to make sure he was ok, thank goodness he is. I miss being myself. I feel like this is someone else’s life not mine. This is not what I signed up for!
This weekend my honey is going away for the weekend with his friends and I am glad. I don’t mean that in a bad way, don’t get me wrong. We just all need a little break from life everyday. It can become such a routine and everything about it becomes a unwanted task. He tells me I need to do the same and I know he is right but I just cannot leave Julian for a weekend. I miss him like crazy being away from him while I am work as it is already. One weekend I will, I made a promise to myself that I have to keep. I hope he has fun and is really able to clear his mind. For the past few weeks we have not been as close as we normally are, I know we are both stressed over our home. It is just not worth anything yet we are paying like it is. Not sure what we will end up doing but hopefully soon we will decide. I always told myself that our home was not a permanent home because it is so far from my family but now that we might have to give it up I feel an attachment to it, go figure! I hate this feeling so much. Economy please fix yourself soon, lol.
Enough of that on a sweet note, Julian continues to still my heart. I love him so much and he just fills me with so much joy. He is talking so much now, I love it. Last Thursday I was getting him ready for bed and he told me he wanted to go home. I was like we are home what are you talking about. He kept saying, “no mom, home”, he pointed up to the ceiling so I was playing along with him but then he said home with baby ouchie!!! Every time he talks about Sami he said baby ouchie. He always remembers her little head. I couldn’t believe it!!! I was just amazed, happy and sad at the same moment. Last night too he said something about that and that there is a door with baby ouchie, he even said "come on." My husband heard that and just looked over at me. He says it so innocently like he has been there with her or something. It gives me comfort to know he sees her there and she is safe in heaven. I want to cry just thinking about it. Heaven is real, like I said in my last post there is a part of me there. Everyday I thank God for watching my precious girl and for being such a strong presence in our lives. Julian always speaks of Him like he is part of our family. As a matter of fact this weekend my niece (10 yrs) was amazed that he kept saying that he wanted to go to Jesus house since we had passed by church on Friday. She was like what 2 yr old wants to go there! Saturday morning he remembered because he kept asking to go. We did end up going to mass that evening and he sat there and was so well behaved. He is adorable because he does the sign of the cross when he walks in and when it comes time to kneel he does and puts his little hands together. I wish I could have a photo of that, it is seriously adorable to see. I just think it would be weird to take a picture in the middle of a regular mass, lol. I hope he continues to grow with such strong faith in the Lord. It makes me proud that my son is so in touch with Him at such young age. When I feel at my weakest I just stop and look at Julian because he has defiantly assured me that He is real.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.