Wednesday, December 08, 2010

So darn emotional

How do I calm my mind from thinking that the worse can happen at any moment with this pregnancy? I was really doing fine, I was happy and didn't let fear get to me but now it seems that it has gotten the best of me. I am scared! Lord knows that there is nothing more in this world I want than to bring this baby healthy into this world.
I still can't believe we are having another baby girl, since I was little I dreamt of being a mom to a little girl. I had the opportunity with Sami but my hopes and dreams were shattered. Now that it's happening again I am more scared that the chance will slip through my fingers again. I know, I know think positive well I have before and we all know how that ended. Having a baby after a loss is so darn emotional. Your happy, your sad, your hopeful and your fearful all at once. It is so exhausting for me!!!! I am tired, I wish I could just sleep through this pregnancy or be able to see into my belly to know that she is OK. I am so thankful for my heart doppler because I would go insane without it. Whenever I have any doubt I just put that little thing on my belly and listen to her heart. It is music to my ears, I just love that sound so much.

On the 21st I go to the specialist again and I am excited because I know I will get to see her again. My belly is getting pretty big but that is nothing new because I always get big belly's. With Sami it was ridiculously big but that was because I had poly. Last week my regular OB doc said I am measuring ahead so maybe she will decide to come sometime in April. I just pray she comes home to me. So far I have had nothing to be worried about but they haven't checked her heart yet so until I know that it's OK then maybe I will be able to relax a tiny bit.

In the last two weeks 3 mom's have lost their rainbows, please say a little prayer for them. I can't imagine how they feel.


Jill said...

Pregnancy after loss is just so emotional. I don't know what I would do without my doppler. It has brought me reassurance so many times and like you said, it is music listening to the sound of that heartbeat.

Holly said...

It is a crazy mix of emotions and it can leave you feeling exhausted!! Praying for the mommas who lost their rainbows.

bir said...

I'm right there with you, my friend. Only so many weeks ahead of you, and expecting the same 'color' as the one I said goodbye to. I could have written your post myself. And much of it I probably have, in dribs and drabs.
You're not alone. I have no idea how I'm doing this right now. Sometimes I think I just can't. But somehow the days are getting by, and sometimes I look at the time that has gone past and wonder how the heck I got this far!
As for that doppler... oh! me too!!

Hugs x


croleyc69 said...

Praying for those that have lost. It breaks my heart.
I can remember when I carried my rainbow the fear that would go on day after day.
Praying for you so much.


Anonymous said...

I understand this so much - it is hard to believe that our rainbows will come home. For me, it seems to become more scary the closer I get. xoxoxo

Maggie said...

It is crazy and I do hope that all of us are able to bring our rainbows home. I also am scared out of my mind the closer and closer I get. :( ((((HUGS))))

Amanda said...

I go through the same swings. Most days I am ok. Some days I am hopeful. Some days I don't see how this could have positive outcome.

And I agree that I wish I could curl up and sleep for the next 7 weeks until it's time for the baby to come. Instead I am trying to do anything and everything to keep busy.

Stay strong and think positive. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I also am on the emotional roller coaster, hard not to be. Pregnancy after loss is definetly a lot of things- scary, exciting, taxing, a blessing, long...
Thinking of you!

Lori said...

As if all the emotions that come after loss are not enough...throw pregnancy hormones in the mix and it's just unbelievable sometimes, isn't it??

Praying for you...and all the mommies...and all of us begging God to bring our babies home!

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