Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Missing her

Last year during the holidays I managed to get through them. I even mailed out Christmas cards but now looking back I was still in a daze. It had only been 2 months since Sami grew her wings so I guess I was still in a state of shock. This year getting into the holidays has been hard. I decorated my house because Julian is so into it this year. He is finally able to really understand the magic behind the holidays. I wish I still was able to see that. This year I am hurting, I miss my little girl so much. Last night I was uploading Julian’s Santa video on my laptop and noticed Sami’s video was still on there. I had to watch it again and of course the water works came on. I have not shared that video with many people even though I should because it shows her alive, breathing our air. Gosh, she was just so beautiful. It has Julian’s first encounter with her, he was staring at her like “what is that?” so cute. I am not sure why I don’t have more video from that day but whatever I have I will cherish that for the rest of my life.



Why is it so hard for me to understand why this happened to me? I never imagined being here, missing my daughter. I suppose no one who has lost a child ever imagined this for themselves. It is so darn hard, I hate it. I was reading Kristin's blog earlier today and she wrote so many of the feelings I have towards grief, I just had to share because her writting I just love. The title speaks for itself "I hate grief."  I hate that so many of have to walk through life feeling this way.

Santa would it be to much to ask for a moment with Sami? That is all I want even just a breif second.

Sami, please send me strength to get through these days without you. I miss you and love my little mama.

11 comments:

Antoinette said...

I just realized its *virtually* snowing on your blog..so cute!!

This month is so hard for me too Lisette...I just find myself blogging as much as I used to and it is helping...but I feel like I am repeating the same things...and it comes down to what you are saying too...Why us? Why anyone? How can we make it through this holiday....((hugs)) Im right there with you, holding your hand

Mattie said...

(((Hugs)))

lost--for--words said...

I know how you are feeling..... I've kind of been trying to ignore the fact that it is Christmas already again. I am just waiting to crack and break and be thrown back into that fresh grief which I'm sure is going to come back again at some point over the next week or so. Christmas is a time for family, but how are we supposed to be happy when a huge piece of our family is missing? I keep thinking how much Freja would be enjoying Christmas this year, as an almost two-year-old. My thoughts are with you and Sami... I'll be remembering her with you...

Crystal Theresa said...

((hugs)) <3

Hope's Blog said...

I have been thinking about you so much lately. I know this isn't the first Christmas without Sami, but I also know it is going to be just as hard. {{{HUGS}}} from snowy and cold Ohio.

Girl (running) in the dark said...

Thinking of you and hoping for some peace. I wish it didn't have to be so hard...

heathermohr said...

Many, many hugs.

croleyc69 said...

{{HUGS}} The holidays are hard , praying for you.

Caroline

PB&J said...

I know those moments.. that take you right back and you wonder how we got here.. Merry Christmas from those who "know" too.

Once A Mother said...

I am praying that Sami finds ways to show you she is with you my sweet friend. These holidays are just so cruel without ALL of our children present. People don't get that. Yes we are joyful for the other blessings in our lives, but that doesn't fill the void. One child is not the magical fix for missing another. Your daughter is beautiful, and you as her mother are beautiful. I am often times in awe of your grace. When I first met you through your blog, long before Sami came into this world and left it too soon, I was amazed at the courage and strength of character that you exhibited. That has always stayed with you. You are just a beautiful person Lisette. I am praying that you feel some moments of peace on Christmas, and when you do, I know that it will be the hand of your little Sami reaching down to bring it to you.
xx
Sending love.

Holly said...

I've been thinking myself I wish Santa would bring me my baby. That's my list.

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