Monday, January 24, 2011

Has it really been...

Has it really been 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks since Sami was in my arms? I hate that time continues and days like today I am stuck. I am stuck with what should have been. I don't like to go there, I like to just see each day as a day closer to being reunited with her.

I miss her with every inch of my soul.  I know she is safe, I know that she is taken care of better than I ever could have but I hate that I didn't get a chance to find that out for myself. I hate that I didn't have the chance to be up at night with a crying baby. In a matter of weeks God will bless me again with an opportunity however Emma isn't Sami. I hate that I feel guilty that Sami never had the chance to know me as a her mom. I feel guilty that Emma will be looked at by many as a replacement and she isn't.
Last night while putting on Julian's pj's he was playing and trying to get away from me, while he accidentally gave me a good kick in the belly. I froze, I just froze I couldn't help but think that Emma could be taken from me (thankfully she was kicking away after). I stood there Julian knew what he did and he said "sorry mommy, sorry Sami" but in a second he corrected himself and said "sorry Emma" he kept kissing my belly and he kept talking to her. I knew he felt really bad because he even went to tell my husband what he did. I hate that my 3 year is also scared.  He is way to small to know about death. I am just heart broken right. This void in my heart is just so overwhelming at times.

Sami, sweetheart I miss you, I love you and I wish that you were here with me. Please continue to visit Julian, I just love how he feels you so close all the time. It brings peace to my heart. Do you hear him every time he says that you live in heart? It pains me to hear him say that but it's true, you will continue live in our hearts always.

13 comments:

lmpd0617 said...

You will always be able to tell Emma stories of her big sister and how she's watching out for the entire family from Heaven. No child is a replacement for a lost sibling, but she will help heal some of the hurt and loss that you have from Sami. Some days you may even be more sad as you think of the memories that you're making with Emma that you never had the chance to with Sami. But above all, you will always know that you are the type of loving mother that you are because of Sami and that will always benefit Julian, Emma and any other future babies that you may have!
Hugs

Trisha Larson said...

Sorry. So sorry that it's not all just complete and utter joy. Oh to be naive again.

Sending love and most of all prayers!!

Hugs,
Trisha

Michele said...

Oh honey... Prayers... Hugs...

heathermohr said...

Sending hugs...time can be so cruel...

KnottedFingers said...

Oh sweetie. Sending you hugs and love

Franchesca said...

Sending you giant hugs Lisette. Emma isn't a replacement and I think unless you are a bereaved parent people just don't get it. Wishing you peace through these next few weeks. Praying for you and Emma ♥

Caroline said...

Sending you lots of {{HUGS}}
I remember carrying my rainbow those feelings. Keeping you in my prayers.

Melissa said...

This post broke my heart. It is so hard to know our children have an understanding of death...they just shouldn't have to understand this stuff, not yet.

No one can replace your Sami.
Emma is her own sweet and wonderful gift. :)

BIG HUGS!

mrslinares said...

Hugs and prayers for you.

Holly said...

I wish our babies were here and could make our lives feel whole.

lost--for--words said...

It is all so difficult... Losing a child, pregnancy after loss, watching our living children struggle to grasp the concepts of life and death. I think that is so sweet that Julian knows that his sister lives in his heart. That is what my kids say too about their sister.

Mattie said...

Ethan say's that about Shyla and Jakin too "They're in my heart". Our kids do know more of grief and understand it better than many adults do...

Sarita Boyette said...

Lisette, it is extremely sad that you are scared and even sadder that a 3 year old is, too. We have lost our innocence & it is gone forever. Sending hugs, love, & prayers to you.

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