Has it really been 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks since Sami was in my arms? I hate that time continues and days like today I am stuck. I am stuck with what should have been. I don't like to go there, I like to just see each day as a day closer to being reunited with her.
I miss her with every inch of my soul. I know she is safe, I know that she is taken care of better than I ever could have but I hate that I didn't get a chance to find that out for myself. I hate that I didn't have the chance to be up at night with a crying baby. In a matter of weeks God will bless me again with an opportunity however Emma isn't Sami. I hate that I feel guilty that Sami never had the chance to know me as a her mom. I feel guilty that Emma will be looked at by many as a replacement and she isn't.
Last night while putting on Julian's pj's he was playing and trying to get away from me, while he accidentally gave me a good kick in the belly. I froze, I just froze I couldn't help but think that Emma could be taken from me (thankfully she was kicking away after). I stood there Julian knew what he did and he said "sorry mommy, sorry Sami" but in a second he corrected himself and said "sorry Emma" he kept kissing my belly and he kept talking to her. I knew he felt really bad because he even went to tell my husband what he did. I hate that my 3 year is also scared. He is way to small to know about death. I am just heart broken right. This void in my heart is just so overwhelming at times.
Sami, sweetheart I miss you, I love you and I wish that you were here with me. Please continue to visit Julian, I just love how he feels you so close all the time. It brings peace to my heart. Do you hear him every time he says that you live in heart? It pains me to hear him say that but it's true, you will continue live in our hearts always.
1 year ago