Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Where is the time going?

Are we already into the second week of March? It doesn't seem real to me. First I would like to congratulate all the mommas who have had their rainbows. A few hick ups along the road but none the less they have arrived. Sending extra prayers for baby Carter who hopefully has a short stay in the NICU and for Kristin as she recovers from the birth of her twins.

I can't believe it's been so long since I have last posted. All is well with me besides the usual emotional roller coaster. I supposed my emotions are enhanced by this pregnancy. Almost 32 weeks now but I feel like I am already 40. Feeling blessed to have this little wiggle away but I would be lying if I said it has not taken a toll on my body. I am exhausted and chasing after Julian I am ready to hold this little girl. I am scared to death and as the weeks pass me buy my anxiety increases. How am I going to take care of this little being? I know I have some experience under my belt but still, I am terrified. I want to be so happy and excited like most mom's but I can't. I just can't because I know that at any point complications can arise. Not that I am thinking negative thoughts or that I don't have faith! Please don't say that to me, faith is all I have to get me through.
This weekend is my baby shower, I am scared. Not because I am going to jinx it but scared because I feel like people are going to not remember Sami. I want this for Emma, she deserves to be celebrated because her life is everything to me but Sami's life is too. I just feel so cheated because I never got to experience this stuff with her. How is possible to always feel happy and sad at the same time? Those emotions are always together now and I can't separate them. I am one of those girls now that can laugh hysterically and be crying at the same time. I do this quite often, sometimes I think I am really crazy. My husband keeps me grounded and I am so thankful for that. He really understands me without having show his emotions like me. It must be so hard to be a grieving man. I will have to post about that later. For now I will leave you with some pictures that were taken this past weekend.
Julian giving Emma kisses






The cord in front of her, kind of scares me






12 comments:

Kara said...

Hmmmm - I'm sure I will feel these same struggles as our rainbow gets closer and closer to birth. It's so hard! So up and down. Hugs!!

Franchesca said...

Beautiful tummy!! It's tough living with such joy and sadness in a single moment. I cannot wait for you to meet your little girl, what a special gift she will be to your family.

<3 Sami <3

Melissa said...

Nothing about a pregnancy after so great a loss is simple. The emotions are all over the place! Try not to feel guilty for your happiness or your sadness sweet mama. You are doing your best! You are going to be an amazing mother to Emma just as you are to your other children! HUGS!
I ♥ the ultrasound face pics. She is so cute!

♥Sami♥

Stephanie said...

LOOK at you ~ gorgeous mama!

Michele said...

I love the kisses photo! Gorgeous!

As Melissa said, nothing is simple in this situation. So very true. But she is right- you are an awesome mom and have nothing to feel guilty for.

Maggie said...

Hope your anxiety eases soon. Know that a lot of people are here to support you. Love the pictures! :)

Holly said...

Your little babe is precious! I hope that at your shower someone remembers your Sami and shows you how much she is still loved and thought of.

Hope's Blog said...

I wrote up a really nice comment...boom it's gone. You are an amazingly beautiful pregnant mommy. I hope you have a wonderful shower with lots and joy and some time for remembering.

Lori said...

Isn't she just beautiful???!!!! Those cheeks are sooooo sweet! Luke always seemed to have the cord in front of him on ultrasound pictures and it scared me, but the techs always told me that it looks a lot closer than it is because of the angle and that the fluid keeps it flowing...but I know what you mean!!!

Not too far...you look fabulous!!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Love the belly shot! I'll be praying for you, she already looks like a lil cutie! (((HUGS)))

WiseBursche said...

Lisette, the belly shot, and Emma's facial profile is cute.

Enjoy your shower. Even if you think that people may forget Sami, you know you will never give up on her. People tell it to me, that I will have more kids, and when they do, even if I don't correct them I always acknowledge Lola mentally.

Stay good.

Jessica said...

I can't believe how far along you are!! Time is flying!! It won't be long now that Emma is with you *hugs*

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