Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wish me luck

I have been so lazy to write lately and I feel like I have left out so much of what I have been feeling lately. Last night for no reason at all I was just so emotional. I sat in my living room and just cried staring at Sami’s pictures. I miss her so much. In a few weeks I will have a healthy baby in my arms but Emma isn’t Sami and she will never take her place. I always play back the moments that we had with Sami and I can’t believe it happened to us. Most people are so fortunate to never be in our place. Having to watch your baby take her last breath, seeing the color of her skin change and the worst having some strangers take her away from your arms. I wish I could sometimes block some of those moments from my life but that means I would be forgetting her and the good and bad times I had with her. This just sucks!


Emma will be here in a matter of weeks and I am terrified. I want to experience her homecoming like most “normal” moms. I want to believe that her birth will be something I have been dreaming of all my life. With Julian he had a rough start so I walked out without a baby in my arms. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t! I had a great pregnancy with him but a horrible labor, one that almost cost him his life. My son was blue and not crying, not what I had expected at all. With Sami I obviously walked out with empty arms again so Emma has to come home with me. I don’t want a NICU stay no matter how short it may be. I am jealous of other moms and just want a normal birth experience this time. Sami, if you are listening can you please put in a good word for your baby sister and I?

This weekend we picked up Emma’s crib, exciting for most terrifying to me. It is still in the box in my garage, will be it ready before she arrives we shall see. Besides some of Emma’s clothes being washed there is no sign of a baby coming home in my house. That is so not like me. I told my husband this weekend was going to be the weekend that we start getting ready but he has to be out of town for work so that will not happen. I want to change rooms around and I can’t do any of the heavy lifting. Hopefully I will be able to somewhat start. I am almost 35 weeks so I need to get my butt in gear! Does anyone want to volunteer and get my home ready? Lol, it will be done eventually. Oh yeah when we picked up the crib we bought a custom bear for a boy and bunny for a girl to give to mothers with empty arms when we go deliver Emma. I am excited to put something those care packages together. It will be my thank you to the wonderful hospital where I will deliver at. Like I said by Sami’s birthday I plan to have more.

Wish me luck with getting my home ready for Emma!!!

9 comments:

Caroline said...

Lots of luck & praying for you. When I was pregnant with Carly I didn't do anything til one week before than it wasn't much. I wouldn't buy much I waited til baby came. My hubby put the crib up after I had the baby that's what him and the kids did the night I was in the hospital. I just couldn't do it.

{{HUGS}} It's hard I know. Love you xxoo

Hope's Blog said...

Good luck getting everything together. I only got my house together for my first born...sad I know. My second came too quickly and I had run out of time. I didn't do anything for Hope because I was too depressed. I wish I were closer and could help. I would love to put a little girls room together. Maybe when Hope is 18 she will move out of our room and I can help her decorate her own (LOL).

{{{HUGS}}} to you!

JenJen said...

Good luck with preparing everything for Emma's arrival! I know it's exciting but so bittersweet because Sami isn't here...

((hugs))!

*Laura Angel said...

Lots of luck and praying for a picture perfect delivery for you! :)

Kara said...

Hope you can begin to get your home ready and that Emma will get to come home safe and sound with you when you leave the hospital!! HUGS!

Sarita Boyette said...

I pray you get your dream delivery and get to bring Emma home from the hospital with you. It is hard to get a nursery together after a loss - just take your time and if your husband has to get some things ready while you are in the hospital, so be it. I think of you often and I'm looking forward to hearing the good news, that Miss Emma is safely here!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Sending love and prayers as you prepare for Emma's arrival...

Once A Mother said...

No one should ever have to see their child leave this world. My heart breaks knowing what that felt like, and that you had to go through it.

I know your little Emma will be here soon, happy and healthy, and am sending you lots of good luck and prayers to get your home and heart ready for all the joy that she is going to bring.

Sending love to you
xoxo

Amazingrace said...

I live in California, near Santa Barbara. Is that anywhere close to you? I would love to help you prepare your nursery for Emma's arrival. I'm a mom and my girls have grown and live on the other side of the country. I won't try to say I know how you feel because what you have gone through is beyond the imagination of anyone who hasn't truly felt the loss you do. I will say I have a lot of love, and strength and friendship to offer. Tears don't frighten me... maybe I can dry yours and help you take a few steps forward. I stumbled on your blog by mistake but I believe some mistakes are meant to be and who knows...maybe this one was too. Please let me know if I can help you. I send you love, and light, and a hug. I'm here....

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