Monday, September 14, 2009

Fear is really starting to get to me

There is really not much to tell these days besides fear is really starting to get to me. I have been scared but now, it is feeling that I cannot just set aside. I cannot get my mind away from it. I am mentally drained at this point and I all I want is get a good nights rest. These sleepless nights are not helping me one bit.

There are only a few weeks left and I am really not ready for it. Really, can anyone be ready for this? Perhaps it's just the fear of the unknown because I do not know what is going to happen. The thought of not being able to feel her just devastates me so much. Everyday that is what keeps me going, her little squirms and painful kicks! She is one strong little baby!

I know everyone is worried for me and I guess I did not really understand why. Now I am starting to understand why people are worried, I am worried about myself at this point. In matter of a few weeks my whole life is going to change. I am going to walk in the shoes of a mother who lost a child. I had never even thought of that before. Part of me wants to have some sort of hope because saying that I am going to loose a child just sounds wrong. It does not feel right to think like that, but perhaps that will be my reality. All I am going to have are a few moments with her. Gosh, that just breaks my heart. Will I ever be the same again? How am I going to be able to move on from this experience? I had so many plans with her in our lives and to have to go on without her is something that I know is not going to be possible. I think about having that last moment with her and I just start to practically hyperventilate. God, please give me that sense of peace that so many loss moms talk about!!! I want to be able to be strong where people do not have to worry about me. I want to know for myself that I will be OK.

It is really difficult to put into words what this journey has been like. So it is even harder trying to imagine what the future holds for me. I am not the first mother to loose a child and unfortunately I will not be the last, so I know somehow I will get through this but it is the initial feelings that scare me. Having that moment of finally being able to hold her in my arms and a few moments later having to give her to God forever!!! That is what I cannot fathom, that idea. I am really trying to get it through my head that Lauren Samantha will be with me forever but just not physically, she will always be my angel up in heaven and until the day we meet again I just to be patient. As the days pass, I have noticed that just about anything can bring to tears. I was emotional before but now it is pretty bad. I enjoy my long drive to work (never thought I would say that!) because it gives me a chance to cry and just let it out before I have to be at work and socialize with people. I have to prepare myself to be asked everyday by clients at work, when I am do and what I am having. It is getting old but I just have to go with it. Wow this was much longer than I expected, I guess there is more going on than I thought.


Becky said...

Hugs....I wish I could say something magical for you but all I have to offer are heart felt hugs and prayers.

Holly said...

I know the fear of the unknown. I was nervous before Carleigh's arrival. I did not know what was going to happen. I did not know whether I'd be able to see my daughter alive outside my womb. I can tell you the moment I saw her it was amazing. I didn't care that she had anencephaly. I didn't even care that she wasn't born alive. I finally had her in my arms. That's what mattered to me at that moment. I could not take my eyes off of her. I poured over her. Her little fingers and toes. Her chubby cheeks. So precious.

I pray that you will feel the same peace that many, including myself, have spoken of. After losing a child, you are never really the same person you were before. I am starting to see the old me again but I am forever changed. You will have hard days. There will be some good days and some days will just be ok.

One of the things that has helped me is to continue blogging. It's nice to have that outlet. I'd prolly be a whole lot messier if I didn't!

I know these times are hard and I'm praying for you. Sending you a (((hug)))

Once A Mother said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Once A Mother said...

Sorry... major typo on last entry.

I used to think that had I known ahead of time that Peyton was going to die, that it would have been easier for me. Reading your story, I realize just how wrong I was. It's never easy to lose your child. I am so very sorry that you are on such a painful journey. My heart is broken for you, and I pray that little Sami will be full of miracles.

Sara said...

I am sorry always feels so inadequate, but I am. I am sorry for the fear you feel now, for the dreams you have already altered, and for the anticipatory sorrow you must be feeling. I wish things were otherwise.

Heather said...

I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I knew I was going to lose my first of my twins for months before it happened, I know how agonizing that can be. Unfortunately, I also got the surprize (but what I knew was a possibility) of losing her sister too. My son is what has brought me the most comfort and given me the drive to go on, because I have to. Try to take comfort in your little boy. It also sounds like you have an amazingly supportive family. Let them help you, around your house, with your son, to give you time to yourself or alone with your husband, if you need it.
Hoping for a miracle for you and Sami, and praying for strength for you to get through whatever comes next.

Hope's Blog said...

You are still in my thoughts and prayers every day. I was thinking about you as I was having Hope. It was so hard delivering her and I know it will he hard for you as well. After she was born it was the most special feeling I have ever had. I can't describe it, but knowing that she might not make it very long makes those minutes so precious.

I know you are going through a lot of emotions right now and I am praying for you and your family every minute.

I know it is hard, but try and take care of yourself and your family. When they admitted me to the hospital early and I was away from them, it was the most painful time of my life. I had too much time to think about everything and I have never been that depressed in my life.

I wish we were closer because I would so love to give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on.



Laura said...

Thinking about you...keep walking one moment at a time.

Sending love,

Michelle said...

Dear Lisette, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Many of your emotions I also experienced. My daughter was born diagnosed prenatally with a congenital heart defect and remember fearing the worst. Being in this situation is so emotionally draining. Be kind to yourself. I remember always singing to my baby, rubbing my tummy with love. I will pray for a miracle for your Sami, and if that does not happen then I will pray for you to get to hold her alive and share the most memorable time of your life with her and she can know how much she is loved and wanted. God bless you.

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