There is really not much to tell these days besides fear is really starting to get to me. I have been scared but now, it is feeling that I cannot just set aside. I cannot get my mind away from it. I am mentally drained at this point and I all I want is get a good nights rest. These sleepless nights are not helping me one bit.
There are only a few weeks left and I am really not ready for it. Really, can anyone be ready for this? Perhaps it's just the fear of the unknown because I do not know what is going to happen. The thought of not being able to feel her just devastates me so much. Everyday that is what keeps me going, her little squirms and painful kicks! She is one strong little baby!
I know everyone is worried for me and I guess I did not really understand why. Now I am starting to understand why people are worried, I am worried about myself at this point. In matter of a few weeks my whole life is going to change. I am going to walk in the shoes of a mother who lost a child. I had never even thought of that before. Part of me wants to have some sort of hope because saying that I am going to loose a child just sounds wrong. It does not feel right to think like that, but perhaps that will be my reality. All I am going to have are a few moments with her. Gosh, that just breaks my heart. Will I ever be the same again? How am I going to be able to move on from this experience? I had so many plans with her in our lives and to have to go on without her is something that I know is not going to be possible. I think about having that last moment with her and I just start to practically hyperventilate. God, please give me that sense of peace that so many loss moms talk about!!! I want to be able to be strong where people do not have to worry about me. I want to know for myself that I will be OK.
It is really difficult to put into words what this journey has been like. So it is even harder trying to imagine what the future holds for me. I am not the first mother to loose a child and unfortunately I will not be the last, so I know somehow I will get through this but it is the initial feelings that scare me. Having that moment of finally being able to hold her in my arms and a few moments later having to give her to God forever!!! That is what I cannot fathom, that idea. I am really trying to get it through my head that Lauren Samantha will be with me forever but just not physically, she will always be my angel up in heaven and until the day we meet again I just to be patient. As the days pass, I have noticed that just about anything can bring to tears. I was emotional before but now it is pretty bad. I enjoy my long drive to work (never thought I would say that!) because it gives me a chance to cry and just let it out before I have to be at work and socialize with people. I have to prepare myself to be asked everyday by clients at work, when I am do and what I am having. It is getting old but I just have to go with it. Wow this was much longer than I expected, I guess there is more going on than I thought.
1 year ago