When I first started this journey, I knew it was going to be difficult but I never imagined it being like this. Like I mentioned in my last post, physically it is challenging which makes it that much harder emotionally. Last night as I laid awake I thought about the pain and discomfort which is fine because it will not last forever but the ache in my heart will be FOREVER. To have to go through this and in the end up still not be able to hold my child in my arms forever is really a hard thing to accept. I was telling Larry that I feel like we are having to give up our daughter to a closed adoption and not by choice. The only comfort in that is that she will be safe and happy in the presence of the Lord. I do not have to worry about giving her to someone who might not do as good a job as I would like for my daughter, but who better than to keep her safe? God of course... Maybe I started to look at this way since I was watching Adoption Diaries and I seen the turmoil that the mother's were faced with as they said goodbye to their children. I know it is completely different because I do not have a choice, the choice has been made for me but I am trying to find a way to bring me some comfort in this.
I now have realized that the only people that really comprehend what I feel have been the many woman that have also been through this. However I have to hand it my husband who has to watch me go through this. I know for him it is very frustrating to not be able to do anything to make this aches go away. Yes, he can help me move around and help me with Julian but it is still hard. These past few days have been extremely challenging but at the same time I feel this connection with him like never before. I do not know if it because at this moment I feel like only he understands me because he is the only one who sees on a day to day basis what I am really going through. I do not have to say anything, he just knows what to say or what to do to make me feel better. Sometimes we do not even have to say one word, we just sit and he wipes the tears away and that alone makes me feel like it is going to be OK. He is the rock that I need. I have to admit that I was so scared because I felt like he was not going to be that support I needed because he really did not show his feelings. I kept thinking that when the day comes it is going to hit him then and at that point I would be the one having to be strong for the both of us. I guess it just took him a little bit longer to really come to terms with everything that is happening and that is totally understandable. We talk about it a lot more now and I have the comfort in knowing exactly how he feels. That is another reason why I feel this connection between us. Having to go through this, I can see how it can take a toll on a relationship. You have to really be strong and willing to make some sacrifices along the way. So to my honey, I know you will be reading this.... Thank you and I love you so much.
A little update... Baby Hope will have her surgery after all... Wednesday, Hooray!
1 year ago