Feelings of guilt

It is only Wednesday and I cannot wait for the weekend. This week has been pretty bad, it is almost comical. Monday I should have just stayed in bed and pretended that I did not exist. It went from bad to worse as the day progressed, Julian having an ear infection and a pretty bad cough then to me setting the alarm off at the office and getting a virus on my computer. There was more but that pretty much summed up my day, it was bad. I tried to laugh it off but that did not work, crying felt much better.

I did not want to really talk about this on here but I have to remember that this blog is my outlet towards how I honestly feel at the moment. I tend to hold back on this when I really should not. Yes, I share many personal things on this blog but I only share what I want to share. Perhaps I should have made it clear on how I felt in regards to her photos and any momentos I have of the baby. Let me go back and explain what I am trying to say. For Christmas we received the beautiful canvas photo of Sami. On December 29th to be exact right before we left to go watch a play called the “Glory of Christmas.” I remember the moment because as I opened the box to see it, it really hit me that this was really real. My Sami is gone. Call it denial if you will, but having that photo in my hands made me realize that this is it, I get a picture of Sami to hold and that is it. Photos of her are the only physical thing that I can hold on to. It was a bitter sweet moment you can say. From that moment on it was so weird because I really realized how different things are. Maybe that particular picture got to me because I know that at the moment when that picture was taken she just received her angel wings. It is a beautiful peaceful picture but I know that is when she left us. I remember being in the long car ride with my husband crying and telling him it wasn’t fair that we only have pictures. God knows I want more but I can’t have that so in a way I think I felt angry. Not at anyone or anything just angry and I still feel that way now. I know anger comes from something deeper, an emotion that I am holding down and I can’t quite pin point it. The counseling sessions will perhaps get to the core of that.

Well back to the picture, we decided we were not ready to share it with everyone so I have it in our room next to Sami. Maybe one day I will put it somewhere else in the house but for now it with us in our room. I like to be able to have that as the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. That is not to say we do not have any photos up of her in our house because we do. The pictures we had up the day of her service are now in a scrapbook which Julian loves to see all the time. People have asked me for pictures of her but I am not quite ready to give away copies just yet, my mom does not even have a copy of one besides the Christmas card photo that I had sent out to a few people. Like I said the pictures are all I have and I will share them when I am ready. Not sure if anyone has felt this way but I would like to know that I am not the only because I feel guilty. Well the main reason to this long post is that the same picture given to us was also given to other people without my knowledge and it made me mad but it made me sad as well. Mad because no one has the right to just give away her pictures, I do not care who they are given to and sad because that is just so personal to me. Like I said the pictures are all I have. I know it is so hard for someone to understand my feelings because it does not make sense. I have a blog to share and keep Sami’s life alive yet I do not want to give away her pictures. It sounds like a contradiction in a way. That is why I removed the links to her photos, I guess I should have never posted them on this and perhaps I should have never held back on sharing my feelings on this topic. I feel really bad for feeling this way but I cannot help it. It was just such a blow to my heart. I know they meant well, I know that in my heart. To most of us a picture is just that, a simple picture, a memory but to me it is more than just that because that is all I have to hold on to Sami.