First day back at work.

Wow, what a day I had! Yesterday was my first day back to work and of course it had to be raining like crazy. That is just what I needed for my wonderful drive to work. A very gloomy day for my very gloomy mood! I just wanted to stay home with Julian. He had a hard time getting up, which made it harder for me to get going. Leaving him was so heart breaking! I had a harder time leaving him now then when I went back to work after he was born.

Work was OK; trying to get back to a routine is a little difficult. I feel like I forgot how to do my job. With time it will all come back to me. There is one new face at work which is kind of nice because I know he will not judge my behavior since he did not know the old me. I felt like everyone else was trying to act like things were the same. Perhaps they just do not know what to say and that is ok. I was so glad that the day went by kind of fast and I am glad I started on a Wednesday so my first week would not seem so long. I am not trying to get overwhelmed by work.

It took me almost two hours to get home with traffic and the rain. I had to talk myself into not having a breakdown. Julian was not a happy camper either which only made it that much worse for me. I was so glad to be home even if it was for a little bit because my honey and I had our first meeting with the counselor and I am so glad we went. Perfect timing to go see a counselor if you ask me... after the holidays, a new year and getting back to work. I am looking forward to seeing her again. She asked us what the main goal was for us and I really had to think about it because I honestly did not know. My answer was to adjust to living this new “normal” life of ours. For so long we were one way and in a matter of months our lives changed so much. So much of me is gone now and it is going to be that way forever. The whole session was a time to really express my feelings without having any barriers up. I told her it is so hard for me to do that even in front of my honey because I feel like I bring him down with me. Like I said before I could have a good day and he can have a bad day or vice versa. She told us to let that barrier down because we are the only ones that really understand each other’s pain and she is right. Being able to tell each other how we felt without holding back was very nice and much needed. I just do not want our grieving to cause a wedge between us. That scares me because for the last ten years he has been by my side, he is my best friend. Together we have created a life and family and I cannot see us apart. I am not saying that it has all been bad between us but the lack of communication has really affected me. I need to work through so many issues because I see how much it is affecting my relationships with family and friends. I am feeling angry, resentful and that is just not me. I told her I feel guilty for having good days too! Gosh this whole experience has had me so lost. I need to get back on my feet. With time I know I will be able to cope better without my beautiful Sami. This really sucks… I miss her so much!