Friday, February 05, 2010

Thinking and thinking



My mind is constantly going, thinking and thinking and I am just so tired. I keep thinking about how my life would be like if both little ones developed correctly. How would I have handled Julian plus two more? I think maybe God figured I would not be able to handle it. Then I get mad because I am not able to see for myself. That choice was made for me so that gets me angry. This whole journey has obviously not been my choice. It has been out of my control. This really has really tested my faith. I have to take a moment every now and then and remind myself that my faith is what has gotten me through my most difficult days.

I keep remembering the day she was born, I can say I was truly blessed. Seeing Sami and seeing her conjoined twin. Her twin was never fully formed but I still still acknowledge her life. She had a perfect little eye, a nose and even a little ear. We actually named her Faith (I say her because I have a feeling she would have been another little girl). Together they made it 38 weeks in my belly. I feel a little bit more at ease knowing that it was not Encephalocele. It also helps me understand more the other complications that she had going on. Sami is not alone in heaven and that gives me some comfort. Again, I can say I am blessed because they both came and left this world in such a peaceful way. I did not see Sami in any sort of pain or discomfort. It was hard to have her in my arms and not do anything to help her get better but at the same time, I did not want to see her full of tubes and being poked by needles. That is no life for a tiny baby. I knew I had to give her up. God needed his angel back and knew I had no choice in fighting that. I got to hold her and cherish every second of it. I am glad that the hospital staff was very nice and they followed my birth plan. I had her with me for a total of eleven hours before we called the mortuary to come pick her up. That moment I wish I could just block it out of my mind. I am traumatized by that moment. Seeing my husband place her tiny 4 pound body in the car seat and watch two strange men walk out with my daughter was the so hard. I have never cried so much in my life. My body was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to give her one last kiss and say one more I love to her. I can’t help but cry when I think of that moment. I tried to remember every single detail about her at that moment. I can still hear that dreadful knock on the door when they came, before I even seen the two men I started to cry, I knew it was time to let her go. How can anyone do that job, to walk into a room and take a new baby from their mother’s arms. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of that moment. Why can’t I just remember the good things? Lately I have been having dreams of Sami’s funeral service. The last one I had this week, I was sitting in the back of the room watching everyone but I held another baby in arms. After a while I got up and placed this other baby next to Sami with everyone watching me. I woke up in a sweat, perhaps it is my subconscious thinking of her little twin. I normally don’t talk about that to people besides my honey.

This week I am not as angry and I think it is because I am just letting myself feel the true sadness in my heart. I have been crying more and just letting the anger go. That has actually made me feel better these past few days. This week has been much better than last week because I am not as angry. I could handle the tears much better for some reason.

I also want to ask everyone to pray and support all the heart babies with CHD and their families. This week is Congenital Heart Defect awareness. Have a great weekend everyone.

12 comments:

caitsmom said...

(((hugs))) Remembering Sami and her twin with you. Peace.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You are correct that her twin was a girl. Conjoined twins are identical, which means she has a sister in Heaven with her. What a beautiful tribute you have made to your daughters.

Franchesca Cox said...

Lisette, I am so sorry. For what seemed like an eternity I could only remember the moments that brought me immense sadness. having to hand my daughter over was one of them. I can't imagine having that job either. A charge nurse came and got Jenna. We sent her away the first time because I was not ready. It is just plain hard. I am glad you are giving yourself the freedom to cry. I believe tears can be healing. They need to come out. You are such a loving mother to your babies. Thinking of you. xx

Mattie said...

Lisette, I remember when my mind was in that nonstop mode. It was exhausting. It has slowed down some, but I still have days like that. I am constantly thinkging about you and praying for you. You have touched so many Mama's with your honesty and hurt. Thank you for being so honest.

Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Lisette, you are my hero. You are so willing to open up and express your pain, I wish I could do that. You said in your blog that you believe that God took your girls because he new you couldn't handel them, I think you are wrong, I think he sent you these two girls because he new they were not going to make it but they needed to make the trip and the reason why he sent them to you was because he new you would love them and be strong enough to let them go when they had to return to God. God does not give us or put anything in our lives we cannot handle, don't doudt yourself, you are a great strong women, with the ability to express your anger, pain, and broken heart with others that are going through the same thing. God new you were the perfect mom for these two girls and he also new you would be strong enough to let them go when it was time to do so. You are in all your right to be angry, and frustrated but don't doudt your abilities because another person wouldn't of handled it the way you have.

God Bless you and don't forget to count all your blessings!

AnnaMarie said...

You definitely could have handled Julian plus his sisters. I don't know why they were with you for such a tragically short time but it is not because God thought 3 small children would be too much for you to handle. Grief is so exhausting that I can see why you would doubt this but if you had Sami and Faith healthy and alive you wouldn't have to care for them plus your grief.

(((hugs)))

Once A Mother said...

Awww Lisette. I know how you feel. It is so, so hard when things are out of your control. Grief is such a vicious cycle, angry one week, sad the next, and on and on. I wish I had words to bring you comfort. Remembering Sami and Faith with you. Both precious and perfect in my eyes.
Peace xx

Anonymous said...

Dear Lisette- My husband & I are writing this to you together. We know there are no words that will lessen your pain. You, your family and your precious angels are always in our prayers. My husband wanted you to know that he's listened when you've sounded as if you didn't think your own family knew quite what to say to you or how to act during these last few months. You ARE in are hearts. We've not forgotten you or Sami. We only wish we could carry some of the pain for you. God grant us the wisdom and grace to show you the next time we see you. From my husband: Keep expressing your feelings so you can feel better a little at a time. We love you.

crystal theresa said...

((hugs)) i'm sorry for all the sadness you have been filled with as you miss your sweet Sami and Faith, but it's only because of the immense love you have for your two girls. i hope that someday i will have more joy and peace thinking on my two heaven-sent babies and that the pain will have dulled. something that has helped me and my husband is praising God for the sadness He has blessed us with - it is a blessing because it comes from the love of our children. of course, that is not always easy. and if i could have chosen to keep my babies with, i would have preferred that.

Kristine said...

Lisette- I cannot imagine the pain as your little baby was taken away. I am, too traumatized by some of the things I saw, so surreal. I am so sorry.

Malory said...

The moment we gave up Janessa to the nurse was the worst moment of our lives. The pain I felt in that moment is so excruciating there are not words to describe it. I never knew someone could survive such pain. I will never forget that moment as long as I live...

Holly said...

The worst moment for me was handing Carleigh over to the funeral director and walking away. I've heard other moms say the same. It is so difficult! Both Sami and Faith are so precious.

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