I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day. This year we decided we were not going to go all out like we normally do. We did however take Julian to the snow for the first time and that was really nice. He had so much fun so that made me really happy. We do not get that much snow in California so we had to take advantage of it and go. I also wanted to get away from the heat this past weekend because it was 80 degrees! So over all I had a good day.
On Saturday we were out for dinner at a restaurant and I had a mini breakdown. We were almost done with dinner when I heard the cry of a newborn in front of us. I seriously did not notice that there was a baby there. She was crying and crying and I tried to ignore her cries (impossible) but what got to me was actually seeing the lady pick up that baby to soothe her. She gazed into her baby’s eyes and you could just see the love she had for her. I was jealous, I will admit it. I want that so badly, I want to hold my baby and make her feel better. I was trying to so hard to fight back my tears. I was trying to talk to Julian and my husband to get my mind to think of something else. My honey noticed and he just looked at me with a helpless look. Thank God our bill came because we were out of there so fast. Either way I was going to walk out. I didn’t want strangers staring at me because I was crying. Of course I cried on the way home.
That was the first time since Sami passed away that I had actually been around a new baby. I avoid being around baby’s as much as possible and now I know why. I am just not ready and I often wonder when I will be. I feel bad because I still have not gone to see Larry’s cousin’s new baby and he was born in December. The thought of having to hold him is just too much for me to handle at the moment. I hope they understand and they don’t hold it against me for not visiting them. I also hope my co-worker understands if I do not go visit her right after she has her baby next month. It’s not that I am not happy for them because I am but it is such a harsh reminder that Sami is not with me. This month she would be turning four months, four month living without feeling her warmth. I wonder everyday what she would be like. Thinking of all the smiles I am missing out on and all of the usual milestones in her life, eating new foods, trying to sit up and oh that sweet baby babble. How I miss her so much!!!
1 year ago