Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Mini breakdown

I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day. This year we decided we were not going to go all out like we normally do. We did however take Julian to the snow for the first time and that was really nice. He had so much fun so that made me really happy. We do not get that much snow in California so we had to take advantage of it and go. I also wanted to get away from the heat this past weekend because it was 80 degrees! So over all I had a good day.


On Saturday we were out for dinner at a restaurant and I had a mini breakdown. We were almost done with dinner when I heard the cry of a newborn in front of us. I seriously did not notice that there was a baby there. She was crying and crying and I tried to ignore her cries (impossible) but what got to me was actually seeing the lady pick up that baby to soothe her. She gazed into her baby’s eyes and you could just see the love she had for her. I was jealous, I will admit it. I want that so badly, I want to hold my baby and make her feel better. I was trying to so hard to fight back my tears. I was trying to talk to Julian and my husband to get my mind to think of something else. My honey noticed and he just looked at me with a helpless look. Thank God our bill came because we were out of there so fast. Either way I was going to walk out. I didn’t want strangers staring at me because I was crying. Of course I cried on the way home.


That was the first time since Sami passed away that I had actually been around a new baby. I avoid being around baby’s as much as possible and now I know why. I am just not ready and I often wonder when I will be. I feel bad because I still have not gone to see Larry’s cousin’s new baby and he was born in December. The thought of having to hold him is just too much for me to handle at the moment. I hope they understand and they don’t hold it against me for not visiting them. I also hope my co-worker understands if I do not go visit her right after she has her baby next month. It’s not that I am not happy for them because I am but it is such a harsh reminder that Sami is not with me. This month she would be turning four months, four month living without feeling her warmth. I wonder everyday what she would be like. Thinking of all the smiles I am missing out on and all of the usual milestones in her life, eating new foods, trying to sit up and oh that sweet baby babble. How I miss her so much!!!

8 comments:

Once A Mother said...

Oh Lisette, those moments are so hard, when we see/hear/are around other babies and know all that our little ones could/should be doing. I wish your little Sami was here with you. I am sure your co-worker and cousin understand. if they were in your shoes, it would be so difficult for them too. sending prayers for peace in your heart.
xx

Lisa said...

Big Hugs! I've had those moments as well. One of the hardest hurdles I had to break was when one of my co-workers gave birth and I went to visit her. It was only for a few minutes (I couldn't do any more then that) I had to fight to keep away the tears. My teeth where clenched and hands tightly in fists. I walked in gave her a hug said congrats, looked at the baby and left. I know she understood. Right after I ran to the bathroom and let it all out.

Jill said...

I totally get it. I remember the first time I saw a newborn and how I broke down. It too was in a public place and I could not fight back the tears. It is hard, I know. It has now been six months for me and it is still hard, however I think it is getting a little bit easier.

Franchesca Cox said...

I am so sorry. It is so harsh, this grief. I remember the first time I saw a newborn I just froze. I couldn't cry but I so wanted to. It hurt IMMENSELY to see another baby girl and healthy. I have to admit I still get jealous when i see other newborns and babies that would be Jenna's age. I am working through it, and I hope there is a day we can all have a piece our innocence back. Thinking of you xx

Malory said...

I remained secluded in my house in fear of coming in contact with any babies. The little boys didnt seem to bother me but the little girls put me in panic mode. I would go shopping & each time I returned home or in my car on the way would sob hysterically. The only thing I can tell you Lisette is that it does get easier. I can make it through a shopping trip & get all I need without running out the door. It still stings but not as strong. You'll get there. Promise.

The Blue Sparrow said...

First off, BIG HUGS to you! Being around a baby is hard still for me. In fact Im almost 7 months in and the other night while we were out to eat there was a boy about a year old, so not quite a baby, but I kept finding myself staring at him. I just couldnt stop. I was mesmerized. But yes, it does get easier to handle. I no longer panic and rush out in tears, I just see these babies and feel sad that I should have that and dont. Hang in there, youre not alone on this one.

crystal theresa said...

((hugs)). being around babies can be very difficult for me, too. Calvin's heavenly birthday is in a couple of weeks, and i still feel "ambushed" when i unexpectedly encounter a baby or even a pregnant women. it's gotten a little bit better - i don't start bursting into tears anymore, but i still have to hold them back. on very rare occasions i do okay.

Holly said...

Being around babies was difficult for me for many months. It was strangers' babies that bothered me the most. It's a lot better now. I hope that in time it will get better for you too.

BTW I like the new layout! And I'm donating to your walk right now!

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