Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Hello blog world

I feel like I have not blogged in forever. I start to but something comes up and I never finish! So the other day I had to go to emergency because I had been having a really bad pain in my stomach for 3 days. Thank goodness it was nothing serious it was just an ulcer, gastritis and a bladder infection. They gave me meds and I will survive. I felt like a big baby but really the pain was pretty bad. Anyhow, I was back at the hospital. Another side of it that I had never seen, I sat there waiting to be called just people watching like I always do. There are some weird people at hospitals, lol! Anyhow,  I was filling out forms and of course one of the questions was “number of live births”… Why does it have to say “live”? What about the mother’s who give birth to a still baby? Do those births not count? That is a question’s that needs to be revised on all the hospital forms. I hate that so much. They carried a child for goodness sake, why don’t they count? It’s not fair…. See things like this make me mad and that is why I got this stupid ulcer, lol!

They finally called my name and it was time for an ultra sound, uugghh did I really have to do this? I had to really talk myself into not crying. I feel like I was going through post traumatic syndrome or something. I was all hot and breathing pretty fast even before I laid down on the table. I knew there was no baby to see, no heart beat to hear so I don’t understand why it affected me that much. I think the tech noticed something was up because she told me not to worry because it wasn’t going to hurt. I felt like telling her I had a million of them I know they don’t hurt but the last time they did this, Sami was kicking away pushing that Doppler away. 7 months ago I had one and she was still alive! Is it going to be like when I have another baby? I get scared thinking about it, nothing is certain not even a rainbow baby. Then that got me wondering about how I am going to feel being pregnant again, will my fear allow me to enjoy it? It’s not going to fair to future baby that I will constantly be worried but I guess that only comes naturally to someone who has already been through a loss before. I keep reading about happy stories about children after a loss and of course that gives me hope but it’s always in the back of my mind, what if? There is no way I can say good bye to another one of my children, my heart really couldn’t handle that. I talked to my doctor a few weeks ago (never finished that post). He said what Sami had was pretty rare and he really believes it will not happen again but still. He was really nice and said he is looking forward to delivering a healthy baby for me to take home. I hope he is right, I want that too. So from this point on, if it happens I will welcome it with open arms. I just hope that I don’t hear from anyone that having another baby is going to help me “move on”. I will punch someone if they say that to me. Moving on is not an option, it’s just adjusting my life without her.

Sami, I really miss you. I have started to get things together for your memorial service. I want it to be perfect just like you! I want the world to know how much you have touched our lives. Tomorrow you will be 7 months!!! Time has gone by so fast sweetheart but I haven’t forgotten anything about you. All the memories are still so vivid in my mind, even down to your scent. The other day another butterfly came and landed on me, I knew it was you again, thank you I really needed that. This is the butterfly, I set it on the flowers in my mom's backyard to take a picture of it. I wish I had my camera with me (this one is from my phone).

On a good note, my nephew graduated this weekend from Cal State Fullerton. Marie’s dream was always to see him graduate. I know she was watching from above. As I sat there for hours at the graduation I was wondering if Marie was looking down below.

I looked up and I seen this…. I knew she was there with us celebrating his accomplishment. He put this on his cap for Marie, so cute!!


belle said...

ohhhh ((((hugs))))!!!!!! i've hated that question for 10 years!

rainbow babies are so amazingly sweet but they don't replace the ones in our hearts that we miss. people just don't get it but i've discovered that's what all my blog friends are for:) to understand and encourage me through.

sorry, this post really hits my "sweet spot" right now. i'm half way through a post on just this subject!

(((hugs))) glad you're feeling better.

Antoinette said...

Oh wow Lisette, seeing what he wrote on his cap brought tears to my eyes......i just do not get life and why things happen, why you had to lose your sweet daughter and why your nephew had to lose Marie?? It doesnt make sense to me why we all have to suffer so much....I agree with all the rainbow news i have heard as well..I even blogged that it brings a smile and a fear all at the same time...XOXOXO Sami, 7 months momma you are getting so big!!! The butterflies DO always come at the right times dont they

Holly said...

I hope you start feeling better and don't have to make any more trips to the ER.

Pregnancy is def different after loss. There's extra worry and fear but there's still joy too!

I love what he put on his cap.

Christy said...

Oh, Lisette :( I'm so sorry that you were sick but glad it was nothing serious. I remember having an ultrasound after I delivered the twins to see if there was any placenta left (and I was hemorrhaging-I cannot spell that word) and it was awful. I also had one to look for cysts and it's just so awful-definitely post traumatic stress disorder kinda stuff.

7 months is such a short time-although I know it seems like forever. Keep taking care of you!!!

Anonymous said...

*huge hugs* Pregnancy after loss is anything but easy. I do believe that we all find a way to get through it. Whats more important? We have each other.

Loved your nephew's grad cap.

Hope you are feeling better.

Franchesca said...

Oh wow, that is so sweet of your nephew to put that on his cap!!! And the butterfly is amazing! I hope you are feeling better after so much!

I know having that u/s must have been so emotional. You are right a rainbow baby doesn't mean we move on, like you said 'moving on' isn't an option. We just adjust.

I know what you mean about forms. On Joseph's pedi forms it asked 'have any siblings died?' or something like that - i wondered why it even mattered!? I mean I still listed Jenna as a sibling in a different section, but still, it was just emotional!

THinking of you, Lisette and it's good to read your blog again :)

Stephanie said...

I am so sorry that you had to go through that! It is just so unfair to feel so raw all the time. THinking of you! I hate bladder infection ~ they are the worst.

mrslinares said...

Thinking about you today (((hugs)))

Maggie said...

I have all those feelings too. I'm already worrying for next time and I'm not even pregnant yet! I think I would have the same anxiety if I had to have another ultrasound too. Hope you feel better soon! (((HUGS)))

croleyc69 said...

Thinking of you today and so sorry you haven't been feeling well. Praying for you always and I mailed your package today.

Hope's Blog said...

I am so sorry you were sick...an ulcer, gastritis, and bladder infection sound pretty bad to me (and painful). I'm glad you are feeling better.

The signs from Sami are amazing...she is watching over all of you. I'm sure Marie is with her and holding her tight.

Crying like crazy from the cap...what an amazing man Marie raised. She is so proud!

Love you and big hugs.

April said...

I understand what you mean about the ultrasound. I had one last week too to check on some things and it was really weird not seeing Adam in there. It kinda made me feel "empty".

I love signs from our babies. Sometimes I just know that Adam is sending me a message and it just makes me feel good.

That is so sweet about the graduation cap, a little bittersweet actually, brought a tear to my eye.

I hope one day you are able to hold your own healthy baby. I think another pregnancy will be very scary, but very much worth it! Goodluck!

Oh, and I agree with not "moving on", but learning to "adjust" your life without her. I feel the same way...

elena said...

I agree. I didn't even want to fill the census out cause it didn't count Lilly. I never got around to it with being so busy since she passed they sent someone to us and they asked how many people were living here as of April 1. She was living here just not on that day, but they didn't count her.

I hope you start to feel better.

What a beautiful butterfly, I love butterflies!

*hug* I share the same fears when thinking of a possible future pregnancy.

love and prayers

Mary said...

The fears for a future pregnancy sometimes make my heart stop. I don't think I will ever be able to go back to feeling totally secure about a pregnancy.

I was very touched by your nephew's cap.

Malory said...

What your nephew put on his cap put tears in my eyes & almost reduced me to sobs. I am sad for your family. Always thinking of you.


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