Friday, June 04, 2010

My wandering mind

My thoughts have been everywhere these days. I am angry, sad, happy and all of the above. I am particularly sad to hear that there are new little angels in heaven this week. But I am saddened more because I could remember so clearly the raw emotions of the early days of grief. I pray for their mother’s and father’s.

Angry because I don’t always understand why God makes good people suffer. One of my dear friend’s is pretty ill with arthritis and lupus. Her son’s are still so young, it just doesn’t seem fair. She has such a strong faith in God. I am angry that He doesn’t catch my friend a little break. I know faith doesn’t work that way although I wish it would. I shouldn’t be angry with God because after all he is watching Sami for me and I should be thanking him.

Happy that people there are some ladies that I truly care about that are pregnant. I am really happy for them and praying all goes well. I am really looking forward to see all these healthy babies in 2010.

Thankful that Julian didn’t get electrocuted the other day while we were having dinner at a restaurant. He took out some keys from my purse and in a second stuck one key into the wall outlet. The restaurant should have had those covered but I can’t blame them for that. My son is 2 and extremely curious. There are memories of sparks and my honey shielding Julian from them. He had daddy super powers that day. Had he been there a second later I am not sure what would have happened. At the restaurant there is a black outlet now and I have a melted key but Julian is OK and that is all that matters to me. Of course it had to happen on a Monday. Monday’s suck by the way!

Scared but I think I am ready to start trying to add to our family. I know our family will never be complete but I do feel like I need to do this. No one will ever replace Sami of course and I am not trying to do that. I think after my dream of Marie holding a baby and telling me he will be with me soon, it gave me peace of mind.

Hurt because I feel let down by so many people with this whole grieving process. I DON’T expect people to go out their way for me but it would be nice to have non loss person call me once in a while to just ask how I am doing or better yet just send a text once in while. I feel like they feel I should somehow be better by now and I should my old normal self. I don’t even want to get into that at the moment. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Thank you to everyone that has stuck my side and shown me that I am really cared about. You have no idea how much that really means to me. Have a great weekend!!!


Franchesca said...

Oh wow, I am glad your son is okay!!! I didn't know he was only 2! He looks like such a big boy in the pictures :) (he's adorable btw)

I think we are entitled to be all over the place emotionally, it's just so much to deal with.

On another note, I am so glad you have peace about trying again, I cannot wait to see what God has in store :)

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) Glad that Julian is ok! I am excited for you and that you are at peace to TTC.
People treated me like that too! Like I should be "over" it. Whatever there is to be over... The only people who really understand and those who have walked in our shoes, I have only had those ask me during this pregnancy how I am doing and not wanting to know when I am going to deliver or if I have... Sending you lots of love and missing your sweet babies with you. We stick together and look out for each other. ((hugs))

Kalialani said...

Tell me about it. I get REALLY upset knowing that these people who "love and care about me" (non loss people) haven't even once asked me how I am. It's ridiculous, but like you said I guess we can't do anything to change that :( I am here for you though (being a fellow Babyloss Mommy myself).


Maggie said...

Glad Julian is ok! It always frustrates me to think people think you should be okay by now. Hugs to you!

Antoinette said...

Oh Julian!! Kids can be so curious, and i know you said your husband had "daddy super powers that day" but I like to think SAMI made sure daddy saved her big brother.

Emotionally you know where I AM...and now I know where you are too. It is lonely when the real world can not except us for what we are now and how we cant go back to being ourselves. It is almost like they think we have the choice...WE DONT...because i am sure we ALL would go right back to being naive and happy and not aware of this whole underground BLM world we are now a part of.

As for getting ready for a rainbow and preparing yourself mentally for that so happy for you. It takes a lot i mean A LOT of courage to know you are going to put your heart at risk again...but the love we have to give to babies needs to be shared and you are such a loving mother!! My prayers are with you as you enter the next phase..may Marie and Sami protect you EVERY step of the way and bring you a peaceful pregnancy and healthy rainbow :)

croleyc69 said...

Glad your Julian was ok !!
It is good that you want to try again to add to your family. It takes time to get to that point. Sometimes people don't understand that everyone is different.
I'm praying for you so much.


Holly said...

Oh my goodness I am so glad that Julian is ok! That is scary! Thank the Lord he wasn't hurt! I'm sure the adrenaline was running thru your hubby to get there so quickly!

I've had those days when I'm all over the place.

If you guys think you are ready to add to your family I wish you the best!! It can be scary but it brings joy too.

Hope's Blog said...

I am so glad Julian is OK. Little boys seem to find the scariest stuff to get into all the time. I feel like I have little heart attacks every day.

I can imagine that your emotions would be all over the place. I don't like to think about it, but there are times when I dwell on the 'what ifs' and grieve for 'what might have been'. It is totally different than what you feel and I really wish I were closer to give you a hug and call you and visit you and let the boys play and drive us both crazy. The three of them would be able to get into so much trouble together!

I am keeping you in my prayers for a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful 'rainbow' baby. No other baby will be able to fully complete your family because you have a beautiful angel, but I know you are a great mom and Julian is a great big brother.

Big {{HUGS}} from Ohio!

Stephanie said...


I have a Julian too ~ his name is Oliver (he is 5) and I KNOW how fast they can do things without the slightest idea that it is dangerous. I am so glad daddy has superpowers, and that J is safe!

I am so sorry that you are not getting support. I was thinking about posting something along the same lines. I don't know about you, but all the non baby loss people in my world are the same way. We went away this weekend to see our families and a friend. Guess what ~ neither my sister or Steven's sister mentioned ANYTHING about Amelia, how we are doing, NOTHING! As if she never was. Our friends DID say something and were not afraid. But it is very rare that I even get that. Only the blog world seems to care and get it. I will pray that you are offered more support. We need it.

I think that it is wonderful that you are going to try and have a baby. Life is beautiful and WE all know (in the baby loss world) that another baby doesn't replace your sweet angel. That is something that could never happen. Each child is precious, special, and forever yours.

Anonymous said...

that must have been so scary - i'm so glad Julian is okay!

i'm so sorry for the hurt you've had to feel from those who've let you down. it's really hard for them to understand how life-changing babyloss is.

i pray you have peace as you try to grow your family and give Sami and Faith a baby brother or sister.

mrslinares said...

Glad Julian is ok!

I'm always thinking of you and praying for you!!!

elena said...

So glad to hear that Julian is alright.

I have definitely felt all the above this past month.

I wish you the best in adding to your family. I know it will be scary but I am sure as Holly said there will be joy too.

I may not always say it but pleas know that you are in my thoughts and prayers :)


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