My thoughts have been everywhere these days. I am angry, sad, happy and all of the above. I am particularly sad to hear that there are new little angels in heaven this week. But I am saddened more because I could remember so clearly the raw emotions of the early days of grief. I pray for their mother’s and father’s.
Angry because I don’t always understand why God makes good people suffer. One of my dear friend’s is pretty ill with arthritis and lupus. Her son’s are still so young, it just doesn’t seem fair. She has such a strong faith in God. I am angry that He doesn’t catch my friend a little break. I know faith doesn’t work that way although I wish it would. I shouldn’t be angry with God because after all he is watching Sami for me and I should be thanking him.
Happy that people there are some ladies that I truly care about that are pregnant. I am really happy for them and praying all goes well. I am really looking forward to see all these healthy babies in 2010.
Thankful that Julian didn’t get electrocuted the other day while we were having dinner at a restaurant. He took out some keys from my purse and in a second stuck one key into the wall outlet. The restaurant should have had those covered but I can’t blame them for that. My son is 2 and extremely curious. There are memories of sparks and my honey shielding Julian from them. He had daddy super powers that day. Had he been there a second later I am not sure what would have happened. At the restaurant there is a black outlet now and I have a melted key but Julian is OK and that is all that matters to me. Of course it had to happen on a Monday. Monday’s suck by the way!
Scared but I think I am ready to start trying to add to our family. I know our family will never be complete but I do feel like I need to do this. No one will ever replace Sami of course and I am not trying to do that. I think after my dream of Marie holding a baby and telling me he will be with me soon, it gave me peace of mind.
Hurt because I feel let down by so many people with this whole grieving process. I DON’T expect people to go out their way for me but it would be nice to have non loss person call me once in a while to just ask how I am doing or better yet just send a text once in while. I feel like they feel I should somehow be better by now and I should my old normal self. I don’t even want to get into that at the moment. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it.
Thank you to everyone that has stuck my side and shown me that I am really cared about. You have no idea how much that really means to me. Have a great weekend!!!
1 year ago