Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I am weak

Today seems to be going better, still emotional. It’s been a hard week for me. I am here at work (obviously not so busy) and I just had a lady come inquire about some insurance. She had her grandsons with her, one was handicapped. Bryston made my day with his radiant smile but at the same has me in tears (of course after they left). He is loved and is very happy but it makes me wonder how Sami would have been if she would have survived. They said she would be severely handicapped, I didn’t care I would have loved her just the same. His grandma said he just had a birthday yesterday and he turned 14, I would have never guessed his age. He is really small and has a sweet baby face. His brother is 2 and he kept hugging him so tight that she would need to ask him let go. It was cute because he was trying to tell me that was his brother. You can see the love they had for each other even from the little one he kept saying “brother”. They have been clients for a while but this was their first visit to the office, I hope they come again. Those are clients that I will never forget. In some weird way I feel a connection.


I keep thinking about those early days when they told me she was a very ill baby. I tend to block those moments out of my mind at times because it was such a hard time in my life. Especially when my first doctor told me she wasn’t going to survive or in his words “why are you still pregnant, IT’S going to die” ouch, how I felt so discriminated. My baby was beautiful to me no matter what was wrong with her we were going to love her no matter what. It makes me wonder how people with handicapped children deal with so many people not understanding the love they have for their children. I remember early on and people telling me that maybe it was best that I abort because she was not going to have a good life. How is that so because I know we would have given her everything she possibly needed, we would have been great parents. I know not one day would go by that she wouldn’t feel the immense love we have for her. I hate it when people say “well at least she isn’t suffering” yes it’s true but it doesn’t make her death any easier on me.

Everyday there is pain in my heart and today it is heavier than most days. I want her here, I want to hold her one more time, I want to see Julian giving her kisses and trying to hold her. I have been cheated. I don’t blame God at all, He didn’t do this to hurt me I know and really believe that. Somehow I know I will be stronger because of all of this but not just know, right now I am weak. Right now I am a mother in pain.

13 comments:

renfo82 said...

Lisette, Sami was perfect in every single way. While she may have had severe disabilities she was still your baby and you fell in love with her in spite of all of those things. When I did my student teaching, hald of my training was done at a special education early childhood center. I got a chance to be around some children with severe disabilities and they were the sweetest. How dare that Doctor say such a cruel thing to you. Your baby girl is not an it. She had a life and deserved to be love and you showed all the love that you could give. That shows your true strength. I pray that emotionally things will get easier.

belle said...

oh ((((hugs)))) i agree, sami is perfect in every single way! one day we will hold our babies and have play dates in heaven! i can't wait to meet her:) she is beautiful!

Mattie said...

Lisette, I can't believe that is what your doctor said that! Oh my...
((Big Hugs))

m said...

I wish I remembered the title, but I once read a (fictional) book about a doctor who delivered his wife's baby and when he realized she had down syndrome he gave her to his nurse with instructions to dispose. The story is about how the mother (who had been told her daughter was stillborn) doesn't get over the loss and the nurse who instead of "disposing" the baby raises her. It's beautiful--it reaffirms how you feel. Good luck and God bless.

Sarita Boyette said...

Sami is beautiful and I know you loved her from the very start, when you found out you were pregnant. I can't fathom people being as cold hearted as that doctor. Sami is not an "it." She has touched many peoples' lives. I can understand you feeling connected with the disabled child. Sami had great worth - she will always be your lovely baby girl with beautiful dark curly hair and soft skin. xoxoxo

Antoinette said...

You are a grieving mom...SAMI is/was/will always be a perfect little girl and NOT an it....I was in Stop and Shop (where i moved its a grocery store) and there was a handicapped girl who packed my bags...I tried my best to make her feel like everyone else was thinking "awww this handicapped girl is working by packing peoples' bags, how nice" instead we spoke about what she liked and disliked and then I thought..how many times has this poor girl been pittied, or worse..called an "IT" to her mother by the dr to encourage termination...She deserved her life, as did Sami...xoxo...let your emotions out and we are all here to lift you xoxo

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I'm so sorry for some of the comments people spoke to you about your precious, beautiful Sami. Her life has value and meaning as do the lives of others...however they were "packaged".

You know what the thing about being weak is? It's O.K....because He is strong. And, He will carry you...as He has and does even now.

Love to you...

mrslinares said...

I agree, sami was perfect in every single way!!! (((hugs)))

caitsmom said...

Ah, I'm sending lots of hugs. I've got nothing else, just that I stopped by and am sending hugs.

Misty said...

Feeling your pain right along with you. God be with you.

xo m.

Holly said...

We may be weak but we know of the One who is strong. I know I am thankful that He is when I am not. ((hugs))

Bree said...

Sami is amazing and beautiful, just like her mama. xo

Mary said...

I was shocked when I read what your doctor told you. I know that it is there job to suggest options but to be so forward in his reaction is just wrong. It was your decision. My mom too was given the option to abort my sister. She chose not to. She told me at the time that she would prefer to lose her own life. I have a vibrant "crazy" loving 22 year old sister. I can't imagine life without her had my mom agreed. You did what you felt was right. ((Hugs))

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