The past few days have been pretty good. This past weekend we hung out with family and friends and I was actually able to enjoy myself. Of course never far from my mind is Sami. I couldn't help but remember last year and how on 4th of July she scared us because she wasn't really moving. We were at a friend's house and had to come home (I had forgotten to take my doppler) because there was no movement. I remember trying to enjoy myself but I really wasn't able to. I tried eating candy, drinking soda (that is bad) but I needed her to move for me and she wouldn't. I remember just praying and praying that everything was OK. We got home and couldn't get to the doppler fast enough. It took us a while to find her heartbeat but after sometime we finally got it. She was having a lazy day I suppose. I remember crying because I was so relieved. After that we went to my brother's and enjoyed the rest of the day. I was happy last 4th of July, this year was so different. I sat and was day dreaming about the cute little red, white and blue outfit she would have been wearing. I couldn't help it! Over all the weekend went well, I was even able to actually enjoy a Monday! That usually never happens for me.
Last night we needed to go to Target to get Julian some stuff. I have been OK lately seeing the little girl things but for some reason last night it got to me. I purposely walked on the other side to avoid that section because I just didn't want to see it. We were in the isle where they have the shampoo and lotions and right of front of me were the cutest little pink shoes, I cried. I didn't even think about it the tears just fell. My husband seen them too so he knew exactly what triggered my tears, he just just rubbed my back and quietly said "I am sorry." This really sucks you know? We were in and out of there in record timing, for me a Target stop is never quick.
While I was driving home I was still a little unsettled by what had happened. I was getting onto the freeway and this slow car got in front of me and there was no way to switch lanes at that time. I was cursing at the car at this point when my husband laughed and told me someone was telling me to slow down and relax. I was like no way they just don't know how to drive!!! He told me to read their license plate and well I couldn't help but laugh and cry a little because it said "LIL SMMY." I was like OK little girl, you made your point!!! I had to slow down. The car got off on the same exit just to get back on again. It was like it just got on to lead me to where I needed to go. It could have just been a coincidence but I took it as a sign from Sami. It was just one of those things that I needed last night.
I miss her so much! I feel like I have been cheated one being a mom to a little girl and it got me thinking about us TTC. I want of course a healthy baby but the way I feel right now, I really pray for a baby boy. I think I am scared to have a little girl because of what people are going to say such as "oh now you finally have your pair" or "you finally got your little girl." I am a mom to a little girl, a little girl in heaven! I don't want people to feel like I can replace her in any way. But then at the same time if I have a little boy again they are going to probably ask if I am going to try again for a little girl! I am scared, I am scared that by having another baby they will feel like I will be healed. I will never be healed. 8 months into this grieving process, I have learned to live a new life. A life that I am thankful for of course but at the same time a life that I never wanted. They say it gets easier with time, I don't think that is necessarily true but I do believe that we just learn to cope better. Really what choice do you have?
1 year ago