Thursday, July 08, 2010

I love little signs

The past few days have been pretty good. This past weekend we hung out with family and friends and I was actually able to enjoy myself. Of course never far from my mind is Sami. I couldn't help but remember last year and how on 4th of July she scared us because she wasn't really moving. We were at a friend's house and had to come home (I had forgotten to take my doppler) because there was no movement. I remember trying to enjoy myself but I really wasn't able to. I tried eating candy, drinking soda (that is bad) but I needed her to move for me and she wouldn't. I remember just praying and praying that everything was OK. We got home and couldn't get to the doppler fast enough. It took us a while to find her heartbeat but after sometime we finally got it. She was having a lazy day I suppose. I remember crying because I was so relieved. After that we went to my brother's and enjoyed the rest of the day. I was happy last 4th of July, this year was so different. I sat and was day dreaming about the cute little red, white and blue outfit she would have been wearing. I couldn't help it! Over all the weekend went well, I was even able to actually enjoy a Monday! That usually never happens for me.

Last night we needed to go to Target to get Julian some stuff. I have been OK lately seeing the little girl things but for some reason last night it got to me. I purposely walked on the other side to avoid that section because I just didn't want to see it. We were in the isle where they have the shampoo and lotions and right of front of me were the cutest little pink shoes, I cried. I didn't even think about it the tears just fell. My husband seen them too so he knew exactly what triggered my tears, he just just rubbed my back and quietly said "I am sorry."  This really sucks you know? We were in and out of there in record timing, for me a Target stop is never quick.
While I was driving home I was still a little unsettled by what had happened. I was getting onto the freeway and this slow car got in front of me and there was no way to switch lanes at that time. I was cursing at the car at this point when my husband laughed and told me someone was telling me to slow down and relax. I was like no way they just don't know how to drive!!! He told me to read their license plate and well I couldn't help but laugh and cry a little because it said "LIL SMMY." I was like OK little girl, you made your point!!! I had to slow down.  The car got off on the same exit just to get back on again. It was like it just got on to lead me to where I needed to go. It could have just been a coincidence but I took it as a sign from Sami.  It was just one of those things that I needed last night.

I miss her so much! I feel like I have been cheated one being a mom to a little girl and it got me thinking about us TTC. I want of course a healthy baby but the way I feel right now,  I really pray for a baby boy. I think I am scared to have a little girl because of what people are going to say such as "oh now you finally have your pair" or "you finally got your little girl." I am a mom to a little girl, a little girl in heaven! I don't want people to feel like I can replace her in any way. But then at the same time if I have a little boy again they are going to probably ask if I am going to try again for a little girl! I am scared, I am scared that by having another baby they will feel like I will be healed. I will never be healed. 8 months into this grieving process, I have learned to live a new life. A life that I am thankful for of course but at the same time a life that I never wanted. They say it gets easier with time, I don't think that is necessarily true but I do believe that we just learn to cope better. Really what choice do you have?

9 comments:

JenJen said...

I got goosebumps with the license plate!

I so understand about the praying for a baby boy...my heart was so torn when I found out that I was pregnant with my rainbow...parts of me wanted another girl but the other parts of me wondered if I would constantly be comparing Lily to the new baby...God gave me my boy!

Megan said...

I think you are so right - time doesn't necessarily make things easier, we just learn to cope better. We are TTC and I am on my second month of taking fertility medicine. Part of me believes that I will never have my rainbow, but I know that if it does happen, my emotions will be EVERYWHERE! I am so glad that Sami sent you a sign - it was def her!

Hope's Blog said...

I loved the license plate...she sure does know how to give you signs. What a beautiful feeling that must have been...I know you are carrying it with you all the time. I can't imagine your feelings as you think about TTC. Remember...it is your life and you know all you want is a healthy baby. Pray for that...boy or girl, your little one will be loved like crazy. Sami will always be his/her big sister and will watch over him/her as she is watching over Julian. (((HUGS)))

belle said...

(((((HUGS)))))

Michelle said...

I'm sorry you had to have a rough day, but wow that license plate was so neat! It gave me goosebumps!!! I understand the TTC part. I do happen to have 2 boys and a girl, but I am worried about having another boy, but the comments we will get if I have another girl. It is such a hard road, but at the same time I can't wait to travel it. Sending you HUGS!!!

Christy said...

That license plate made shivers go down my spine.
We lost boy/girl twins so it was very strange with this pregnancy-it was just weird all around with the gender and only being a singleton. It's just so, so hard.
Sending you so many hugs!!!

April said...

Happy to see that you were able to enjoy your 4th weekend. It gave me goose bumps when I read what that license plate said! I think she really was trying to tell you something. I love signs from our little ones!

Goodluck TTC again! I can see the issue with having another boy or girl. I guess it's a good thing that we don't really get to pick what we have, and you can leave it up to God with what he wants to give you!

I agree that it really doesn't get easier with time, you just learn how to cope with the pain. The poem you once posted about the "old shoes" really does explain it so well!

mrslinares said...

Always thinking about You an sami, lots of prayers for you. Good luck with TTC. i hope one day i can meet you.

Antoinette said...

ok WOW!!! I got the chills when you read the license plate!! OF course it was sami!! She did want you to slow down and just breath! It sucks when we get those triggers!! ugh...and it sucks more that the idea of TTC has to come with other thoughts of people and their comments...I can not say time heals as you know...but getting my answers has helped me for the past 2 days look at it all differently. I guess now I have a different kind of sadness...and fear is always going to be there. I never knew how common it was to have a doppler at home...And I am SO SURE, I will have one if there ever is a next time...oxoxoo...ps, I was glad to see you got to enjoy a Monday :)

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