I am weak

Today seems to be going better, still emotional. It’s been a hard week for me. I am here at work (obviously not so busy) and I just had a lady come inquire about some insurance. She had her grandsons with her, one was handicapped. Bryston made my day with his radiant smile but at the same has me in tears (of course after they left). He is loved and is very happy but it makes me wonder how Sami would have been if she would have survived. They said she would be severely handicapped, I didn’t care I would have loved her just the same. His grandma said he just had a birthday yesterday and he turned 14, I would have never guessed his age. He is really small and has a sweet baby face. His brother is 2 and he kept hugging him so tight that she would need to ask him let go. It was cute because he was trying to tell me that was his brother. You can see the love they had for each other even from the little one he kept saying “brother”. They have been clients for a while but this was their first visit to the office, I hope they come again. Those are clients that I will never forget. In some weird way I feel a connection.


I keep thinking about those early days when they told me she was a very ill baby. I tend to block those moments out of my mind at times because it was such a hard time in my life. Especially when my first doctor told me she wasn’t going to survive or in his words “why are you still pregnant, IT’S going to die” ouch, how I felt so discriminated. My baby was beautiful to me no matter what was wrong with her we were going to love her no matter what. It makes me wonder how people with handicapped children deal with so many people not understanding the love they have for their children. I remember early on and people telling me that maybe it was best that I abort because she was not going to have a good life. How is that so because I know we would have given her everything she possibly needed, we would have been great parents. I know not one day would go by that she wouldn’t feel the immense love we have for her. I hate it when people say “well at least she isn’t suffering” yes it’s true but it doesn’t make her death any easier on me.

Everyday there is pain in my heart and today it is heavier than most days. I want her here, I want to hold her one more time, I want to see Julian giving her kisses and trying to hold her. I have been cheated. I don’t blame God at all, He didn’t do this to hurt me I know and really believe that. Somehow I know I will be stronger because of all of this but not just know, right now I am weak. Right now I am a mother in pain.