Monday, June 28, 2010

Feeling lost

Well I managed to make it through another funeral. Just 4 months ago I was at Marie’s and 4 months before that was Sami’s. I hope to go many years without having to attend another one. I can’t take them anymore. Briana was 10 yrs old and she looked beautiful in her Snow White outfit, she sure did look like a Disney princess. Vickie is one tough mama, she held up as best as she could. My heart aches for her so much. I pray they will be able to get through the days ahead.


These past few days have been really hard on me. I thought I was doing so well. I had been feeling like the sun was starting to shine again but today (of all days Monday) I just feel so lost. Today I just feel like my heart physically hurts. I tell myself that it will go away and that I will have better days again. I just hate this feeling.

This weekend one of my brother’s forgot I had a baby 8 months ago and it did not surprise me (sad to say). How can someone just forget? I guess people had to actually see her breathing in order to remember she really did exist. I could just imagine how crazy he is going to think I am when he finds out that I am going to have a celebration for her birthday. Oh well I really do not care, the people that truly loved her will be there and that is all that matters to me.

People often ask me what can they do for me and really it is simple, remember my daughter. I know it is hard for people to bring her up in conversation because they did not know her, so I’ve been told. Well they can ask me anything they want; I would love to answer any question they may have. I love to talk about her. Are they afraid to make me cry? Well to be honest they make me cry either way by never mentioning her. This is why this baby loss community means so much to me because they mention her name all the time. I love it, I love to open an email or see comments saying they are thinking of us. I am not asking for a pity party but a simple thinking of you message would be great, especially from family. People always say “we are here for you,” really? Well where you the first weeks after her passing? Not calling us or visiting us that’s for sure. I know I live far from my family but that has never stopped me from visiting them all the time. Now I just made myself angry thinking of all of this. I will just end this now before I really speak my mind and offend people. Pray that I have better days soon please.

12 comments:

April said...

I hope your days will become easier and the ache in your heart will start to lessen. I think about you and Sami often...

Maggie said...

I hope your days become better soon. I could have written this post myself today! You are so right when you say, the people that loved her will be the ones who are there for you and that is what matters. Sami is one special little girl and will never be forgotten here. XOXO

JenJen said...

It's so simple isn't it? Just don't forget our babies...why can't people get it?

I hope you have more peaceful days ahead of you ((HUGS))

Malory said...

I know that nager all too well. Hoping & parying for better days for you soon.

AnnaMarie said...

My heart goes out to Vickie who has to figure out how to live without her beautiful Snow White.

You really have been to a lot of funerals lately; I really hope you get a very long break from funerals.

Reading your post I was distracted by the photo of Sami under the "Perfection" heading - she is so stunning in that photo with her rosy cheeks. It is incredible that your brother forgot that you had a baby recently (I know what you mean about not being surprised though), and of course you must celebrate the day of her birth.

Wishing you peace.

Antoinette said...

Well my heart just BREAKS for this little girl who had to go to heaven at such a young age, her mother has been on my mind since you posted it on FB, but i didnt know how young she was....the disney dress hits home...you know how i love disney, and the fact that she wore that dress just breaks my heart =*(((((((

I gave you a shout out on my blog Sunday. I have been out of the loop for a few days packing but i needed to STOP and post about how YOU changed me with just ONE email...you made me see that family, friends strangers, NO ONE can truly know our pain until they walk in our shoes...I wish NO ONE ever had to walk in these shoes, but still was able to show compassion and caring for us... NOT remembering the baby is what hurts me the most...I just want everyone to remember her and love her and miss her JUST LIKE ME...but that is in a perfect world, in a perfect world your brother would remember, MY brother wouldnt tell me I was "using her death to get attention" and anthony's brother would not say that he "lost his mind" with anger...people would just KNOW what we feel and understand and be HAPPY we even shower and smile and wake up each day....those to me are miracles on their own after you bury the babies...I wish I lived close to you so I can come to her party..(im inviting myself) but I will be there in spirit and knowing Alyssa she will be there too with Sami, dancing it up...she likes her spanish music ;) I am here for you JUST like you were there for me last week....I love you Lisette.....you are a good friend to me and I am so sorry you have to have a down day...triggers I would say...but still valid feelings...be gentle with yourself tonight xoo

croleyc69 said...

I know what you mean you want people to remember. It hurts I'm like you I cry anyway even if people talk to me or not about my children I lost.
I hope you know I was so glad you and your husband enjoyed what I sent you. I just wanta try to put a smile there for a moment. I really care and you are such a sweet person.

{{HUGS}}
Caroline

Christy said...

You are so right-it really is quite simple. Just remember them. Call them by name.
I am remembering Sami, today, beautiful Sami!

Stephanie said...

thinking of you (((HUG))). I hate it when family lets you down in such HUGE ways.

antigone1022 said...

i read you post about another parent coming to your blog through google searching encephalocele and I did too, my daughter was born with an encephalocele and she's 16 now and I;ve never met or spoken to another parent facing the same fears. I wish blogging was around when she was small. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sure it will help other mums

Hope's Blog said...

I am praying your days are better soon. I am surprised about your family and hope they will reach out more often. I really wish we were closer and I could give you a big ((HUG))

Franchesca said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Grief really does work in waves. And those waves come so unexpectedly. I know it must have been huge for Vickie that you were there, that was so awesome of you to be a support.

I struggle with that too, people not mentioning her and saying 'we're here for you' - it's such a difficult thing. I had to make up my mind that I would bring her up in conversation even if it makes others uncomfortable. I am so thankful for this community too. It's a place I can retreat to and feel safe and 'surrounded' by women who WANT to talk about her and remember her with me.

Thinking about you and your precious Sami.

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