Missing her

Last year during the holidays I managed to get through them. I even mailed out Christmas cards but now looking back I was still in a daze. It had only been 2 months since Sami grew her wings so I guess I was still in a state of shock. This year getting into the holidays has been hard. I decorated my house because Julian is so into it this year. He is finally able to really understand the magic behind the holidays. I wish I still was able to see that. This year I am hurting, I miss my little girl so much. Last night I was uploading Julian’s Santa video on my laptop and noticed Sami’s video was still on there. I had to watch it again and of course the water works came on. I have not shared that video with many people even though I should because it shows her alive, breathing our air. Gosh, she was just so beautiful. It has Julian’s first encounter with her, he was staring at her like “what is that?” so cute. I am not sure why I don’t have more video from that day but whatever I have I will cherish that for the rest of my life.



Why is it so hard for me to understand why this happened to me? I never imagined being here, missing my daughter. I suppose no one who has lost a child ever imagined this for themselves. It is so darn hard, I hate it. I was reading Kristin's blog earlier today and she wrote so many of the feelings I have towards grief, I just had to share because her writting I just love. The title speaks for itself "I hate grief."  I hate that so many of have to walk through life feeling this way.

Santa would it be to much to ask for a moment with Sami? That is all I want even just a breif second.

Sami, please send me strength to get through these days without you. I miss you and love my little mama.