I am not sure at where all this anger is stemming from but boy is it ever so present. I am angry at everything yet at nothing if that makes any sense at all. These past few days I just can't seem to shake it off and it is driving me crazy because I hate feeling this way. I hate being mad all the time and not knowing why. Am I angry for having people close to me not give a shit about what I am feeling? Am I angry because I want to run away and I can't? Or is that I am just angry that I do not have my daughter and I just can't understand why? I am not sure if I am confusing my feelings of sadness for anger. I try to tell myself to just let it go but for some reason this week I can't. I don't know if I am still angry about the picture thing or if I am angry that no one close to me really understands what I am going through. It is no one's fault and I cannot hold them accountable for not knowing what to do or say. I myself do not even know what I want of people. Do I want to be left alone or deep down inside do I just want someone to grab me and give me hug and cry with me? I can't be constantly telling people what I need or want all the time because for someone who has never been through this it can get annoying. For so long I have been one person and now I am this moody, don't care type of person. For people that are going through this, how do you handle having a person close to you not be there for you when you need it the most? I don't want to be resentful but I seriously can't help it. I am not sure how to go about those relationships. So if someone out there knows the answer please feel and share that with me.
Alright enough of that now... on a good note, I finally took a picture of Sami's bear (her urn) and I thought I would share. She is still missing her wings but I just ordered them today so I will update her picture when they come in. On another note I have been brain storming ideas as to how I want to help others in Sami's name. I have a few at the moment but nothing concrete so I will share that at a later time. I just have this feeling that I need to do something. Little by little I am starting to get motivated. Hopefully that will help me in my grieving. Oh gosh grieving that word sounds so weird to me, perhaps it is just part of my denial. I think I need to stop writting now before I drive myself crazy. My poor husband, I have been horrible these past few days! My mind is going a million miles per minute, it is going to short circuit soon. I just re read this post and boy is it out there!
It is only Wednesday and I cannot wait for the weekend. This week has been pretty bad, it is almost comical. Monday I should have just stayed in bed and pretended that I did not exist. It went from bad to worse as the day progressed, Julian having an ear infection and a pretty bad cough then to me setting the alarm off at the office and getting a virus on my computer. There was more but that pretty much summed up my day, it was bad. I tried to laugh it off but that did not work, crying felt much better.
I did not want to really talk about this on here but I have to remember that this blog is my outlet towards how I honestly feel at the moment. I tend to hold back on this when I really should not. Yes, I share many personal things on this blog but I only share what I want to share. Perhaps I should have made it clear on how I felt in regards to her photos and any momentos I have of the baby. Let me go back and explain what I am trying to say. For Christmas we received the beautiful canvas photo of Sami. On December 29th to be exact right before we left to go watch a play called the “Glory of Christmas.” I remember the moment because as I opened the box to see it, it really hit me that this was really real. My Sami is gone. Call it denial if you will, but having that photo in my hands made me realize that this is it, I get a picture of Sami to hold and that is it. Photos of her are the only physical thing that I can hold on to. It was a bitter sweet moment you can say. From that moment on it was so weird because I really realized how different things are. Maybe that particular picture got to me because I know that at the moment when that picture was taken she just received her angel wings. It is a beautiful peaceful picture but I know that is when she left us. I remember being in the long car ride with my husband crying and telling him it wasn’t fair that we only have pictures. God knows I want more but I can’t have that so in a way I think I felt angry. Not at anyone or anything just angry and I still feel that way now. I know anger comes from something deeper, an emotion that I am holding down and I can’t quite pin point it. The counseling sessions will perhaps get to the core of that.
Well back to the picture, we decided we were not ready to share it with everyone so I have it in our room next to Sami. Maybe one day I will put it somewhere else in the house but for now it with us in our room. I like to be able to have that as the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. That is not to say we do not have any photos up of her in our house because we do. The pictures we had up the day of her service are now in a scrapbook which Julian loves to see all the time. People have asked me for pictures of her but I am not quite ready to give away copies just yet, my mom does not even have a copy of one besides the Christmas card photo that I had sent out to a few people. Like I said the pictures are all I have and I will share them when I am ready. Not sure if anyone has felt this way but I would like to know that I am not the only because I feel guilty. Well the main reason to this long post is that the same picture given to us was also given to other people without my knowledge and it made me mad but it made me sad as well. Mad because no one has the right to just give away her pictures, I do not care who they are given to and sad because that is just so personal to me. Like I said the pictures are all I have. I know it is so hard for someone to understand my feelings because it does not make sense. I have a blog to share and keep Sami’s life alive yet I do not want to give away her pictures. It sounds like a contradiction in a way. That is why I removed the links to her photos, I guess I should have never posted them on this and perhaps I should have never held back on sharing my feelings on this topic. I feel really bad for feeling this way but I cannot help it. It was just such a blow to my heart. I know they meant well, I know that in my heart. To most of us a picture is just that, a simple picture, a memory but to me it is more than just that because that is all I have to hold on to Sami.
Wow, what a day I had! Yesterday was my first day back to work and of course it had to be raining like crazy. That is just what I needed for my wonderful drive to work. A very gloomy day for my very gloomy mood! I just wanted to stay home with Julian. He had a hard time getting up, which made it harder for me to get going. Leaving him was so heart breaking! I had a harder time leaving him now then when I went back to work after he was born.
Work was OK; trying to get back to a routine is a little difficult. I feel like I forgot how to do my job. With time it will all come back to me. There is one new face at work which is kind of nice because I know he will not judge my behavior since he did not know the old me. I felt like everyone else was trying to act like things were the same. Perhaps they just do not know what to say and that is ok. I was so glad that the day went by kind of fast and I am glad I started on a Wednesday so my first week would not seem so long. I am not trying to get overwhelmed by work.
It took me almost two hours to get home with traffic and the rain. I had to talk myself into not having a breakdown. Julian was not a happy camper either which only made it that much worse for me. I was so glad to be home even if it was for a little bit because my honey and I had our first meeting with the counselor and I am so glad we went. Perfect timing to go see a counselor if you ask me... after the holidays, a new year and getting back to work. I am looking forward to seeing her again. She asked us what the main goal was for us and I really had to think about it because I honestly did not know. My answer was to adjust to living this new “normal” life of ours. For so long we were one way and in a matter of months our lives changed so much. So much of me is gone now and it is going to be that way forever. The whole session was a time to really express my feelings without having any barriers up. I told her it is so hard for me to do that even in front of my honey because I feel like I bring him down with me. Like I said before I could have a good day and he can have a bad day or vice versa. She told us to let that barrier down because we are the only ones that really understand each other’s pain and she is right. Being able to tell each other how we felt without holding back was very nice and much needed. I just do not want our grieving to cause a wedge between us. That scares me because for the last ten years he has been by my side, he is my best friend. Together we have created a life and family and I cannot see us apart. I am not saying that it has all been bad between us but the lack of communication has really affected me. I need to work through so many issues because I see how much it is affecting my relationships with family and friends. I am feeling angry, resentful and that is just not me. I told her I feel guilty for having good days too! Gosh this whole experience has had me so lost. I need to get back on my feet. With time I know I will be able to cope better without my beautiful Sami. This really sucks… I miss her so much!
Today is a good day and I am not even sure why. I just woke up feeling good and I am not going to complain about that. I am looking forward to this weekend and we have no plans. This week I went and got a much needed hair cut. I felt really nice to cute my hair short, for some reason it made me feel relieved. Today I finally made our appointment to see the counselor next Wednesday and I am really looking forward to that. I really hope it helps my husband and I. I thought of doing group counseling but I decided I would try this first, I think this might be best right now. Maybe later I will try the other one.
Next week I go back to work, I was supposed to go back last month but I got an extra 6 weeks which I really needed. Now I feel like I might be ready. I am sad that I will have to leave Julian because my goodness, he and I are attached at the hip right now! However I think it would be good for him to go back to his normal schedule. My parents take care of him so I have nothing to worry about because he loves to be with them. I think I am going to cry more than he will that is for sure. I am not looking forward to the hour drive to and from work but I did it before and I can do it again. I am a little scared because I know there are going to be some clients who will say something stupid that will probably make me upset but I cannot stay in my little bubble forever. I need to really get back to a regular schedule. I am scared because I have not seen my co-workers in so long and I know they are going to assume that the old me will be back at work. I know they will be a little cautious with me and sensitive of course but I know they do not realize how much I have changed in these past few weeks. Part of me wishes I was going to start at a new place just because I really do not want to go back. Not that I do not like my job but I just feel like I just need to keep moving forward. I feel so lost in trying to make sense of my life this past year. I want to have and answer or know the meaning to all of this. I feel like God put this in my path for a reason and not being able to pin point it kind of frustrates me. I know with time I will know but I just wish I knew right now. For now I will just continue to count my many blessings and let God lead the way. I am wishing everyone a great weekend ahead.
On another note: please take a moment to pray for the many victims of Haiti. My heart is broken for the many victims. They have a long road ahead of them.
It has been a while since I have written but I honestly just have not been in the mood to do so! I am really glad the holidays are over. Christmas was actually really nice, I received some gifts for Sami that were very touching. We also received many letters for her that I have now put into a mini scrapbook for her. I loved putting that together, it made me feel happy. I love knowing mhow much she touched people's lives. For New Year’s we went camping. It took me a while to decide to go. I am pretty boring these days (my poor husband). I thought I was ready but most of the time I was there I just wanted to be alone and I really wanted to go home. I try to find joy in the things I used to love but it is so hard. I thought it would make me feel better to get on quad and just be free like I used to be however that did not work so I did not ride it much. It took a lot of talking to myself to really get it together and just go with it and enjoy it. With time I suppose I will feel differently. I felt bad because everyone around me was having fun and really trying to make me feel happy.It is hard for people to understand that I am a different person now. I cannot say it was a wasted weekend because now looking back I am glad I went. Getting away from home was nice and much needed for my husband and I. I plan on having many more camping trips this year.
I have officially realized that my life no matter how I try is never going to be the same. I just hope that my new life is not going to affect my relationships with family and friends. I say that because I see that happening now and it is sad to say but I just do not care. My resolution for this year is to just be the best mother and wife I can be because that is what keeps me going everyday. Other people come and go and I am not going to be sad if they decide to not be a part of my life at this point. I have so many issues to deal with that I am not going to feel bad if I offend anyone while I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life. My heart is so broken and it will forever be that way and I cannot make anyone understand why I am the way I am now. For some people they just cannot understand what I have been through this year and I understand that. Unless you have been through this you will never be able to comprehend how much it changes you. Everyone else’s life remains the same and they get to move on and go about their day for me on the other hand life moves on but it is with a totally different outlook. Things that would get to me before no longer do, things that did not bother me before now do! I am not as passive as I was before, I am not as judgmental and I am able understand other people’s feelings and lives in general. I am sad that it had to take all this for me to see life so differently. I cannot look back at my life with regrets because that will never help me heal.
My husband and I have decided that we really need to go to counseling, we are fine now but I know with time if we let things just go as they are we will regret not doing this early on. I have called a few places and I am waiting for them to call me back. I hope that we can go in soon for our first session. I love my husband so much and I know that together we can over come anything and if that means getting some help along the way I have no problem with that. We are still young and to be faced with the death of our child is just so hard to comprehend. 9 months is not a long time to have your life completely changed. Sami’s life was something that we dreamt about for years, she was going to help us complete our family and she has but just not in a way that we wanted. I am just having a hard time knowing that physically she cannot be here. I think we are both having a hard time, it’s almost been 3 months and yet it feels like it was just yesterday that she was in our arms. It breaks my heart to hear him cry for his little girl but I cannot help him because I do not know what to do, I hurt just as much. I really believe that this year is going to be better. I mean I cannot have another difficult year like 2009! I am going to come out stronger from all of this and hopefully be able to be happy with the new me.