Why can't I have normal dreams? My dreams are pretty wacky especially being pregnant but last night my dream was horrible. Why can't death escape me in my sleep? I had this horrible dream that we had a precious baby boy with the lightest skin color. The doctors told me he wasn't able to eat or breathe well so he was going to die. They didn't want to do anything to help my husband and I, we were desperate to save this little being. Julian was with us crying for the baby and here I was trying to save my other from pain. I felt so torn and desperate. The appeared to no longer be breathing and my husband held him and was crying so loud but then the baby awoke and looked at us with this look that I can't describe. I know this little being was going to another place by that look but it just left me broken. I felt the pain like I did when I had just learned of Sami's passing but this time I wasn't at peace with it. I felt so horrible that no one wanted to help him or us. We were so alone and scared. I don't think I have been OK with waking up so early but I was glad that I woke up and seeing Julian sleeping peacefully and my husband getting ready for work. I was just a really bad dream, a dream I never want to have again.
This has me thinking about the desperation we feel as parents when we can't save our children. I know that what happened to Sami was beyond my control but I can't help feeling guilty at times that perhaps it was my body that failed her and Faith. My body should have been able to split them and made both whole but it didn't. I hate that there was nothing I could have done.
I think I had this horrible dream because I was watching TV and watched part of a show (don't remember the channel) but it was about a boy in India that was born with extra limbs. His mother said that when he was first born she didn't want to hold him because she was afraid. Just found something online about him, see here. They were getting a lot of attention from people that made them really uncomfortable so they asked for help. Thankfully the boy was able to have the limbs removed and he is doing well now. The thing that got to me the most was the fact that they kept saying "parasitic twin"----A parasitic twin occurs when a twin embryo begins to develop in the mother but, ultimately, does not separate. This results in a semi-formed twin adjoined to the body of the developed twin. I know what they mean by it but it still bothers me because that was me, I had parasitic twins but never seen them that way. In my mind it seems like they are saying parasite or something and it gets me mad. Faith was no parasite in my eyes and even if they would have looked different my love wouldn't be any different.
Sorry about this rambling post of mine.
I hope I have a nicer dream tonight so that I don't have to relieve that pain and desperation again. Have a great weekend everyone.
1 year ago