Tuesday, April 26, 2011

18 months

Has it really been 18 months since I had Sami? Where has the time gone? She should be making a mess of my house by taking things apart and trying to put them back together or she should be trying to copy what i do more. Makes me sad that I do not get to experience those milestones with her. I was telling my husband last night how our lives be so different had we had her and being pregnant with Emma. He said I would drive him crazy since he knows everything annoys me right now, lol. As of today I am more than ready to have Emma, my body is beyond exhausted. Emotionally, I am all over the place. I think having another baby girl is really getting to me. Emma will never replace Sami but seeing all her clothes hanging makes me think of Sami even more and what I missed with her. I am super excited to be a mom to another baby girl but I am so scared. I don't ever want to make Emma feel like if it wasn't for Sami's passing that she wouldn't be here because that is so not the case. Thinking about that makes me cry because I love my kids so much and I never want to make them feel anything other than pure love from me. I know one day I will hold Sami again but the selfish part of me wants that now. I want to hear her baby babble and her adorable laugh, I just want her here with me.

Baby update: I went to the Dr yesterday and he said if she isn't here by the 3rd he will induce me. That made my day since that day is my birthday. What a special gift that would be right? I wonder how overwhelmed I will be once Emma is placed on my chest after delivery. I have never had the normal experience like I have mentioned before so this being my third will bring on so many new experiences for me, I can't wait for it! Our bags are packed and I am ready. I hope she comes on her own because I really don't want to be induced but we shall see what happens in the next few days.

I will leave you with a family picture from Easter Sunday.
I love how Julian holds Sami!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Take a guess

Just for fun since my due date is so close....

Guess Emma's Birthdate

I am feeling ver ready to have this baby now. I am still scared out of mind because I live in a world now where babies die. I wish I didn't have to sound so morbid but it's something I have to live with everyday. I try not to think of everything that can go wrong but sometimes that is just not possible. I will be able to breathe normally once she is here healthy and safe in my arms.  I think it is going to be so weird to have a baby in my room right after birth that is healthy. Weird that this is my 3rd and have not had that experience, so please pray that I get to experience this once she is born.

Today I went to the doctor and he said any moment now, I have started to dialate so we shall see when she will arrive. I guess I should start getting my bag ready just in case right? I remember packing my bag after my water broke at home with Sami (not fun). I was exactly 38 weeks pregnant with her when she was born, tomorrow I will be 38 weeks with Emma. Now it's just a waiting game. I hope to be able to post soon that she has arrived.

Don't forget to take a guess, a little prize will be in store for the winner.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Where I am today

It's been a while to get to read post and actually write one. Being home I have not had a chance to relax or sit for a second. Julian has me busy, rearranging everything at home and cleaning up has had me exhausted but I know it will all be worth it. My body is tired, the last weeks of pregnancy are hard. I ache pretty much everywhere but I will do it again, I love being a mommy. My belly is  huge and I bump it everywhere these days (sorry Emma). Emotionally I have been a little bad. I miss Sami more and more as the birth of Emma gets closer. I find myself wondering more and more who she would be like or how she would be at almost 18 months old. I have much happier days now but that pain is still so present in my heart. Just when I think I am used it to it creeps back like it was just yesterday.
Hopefully I will have more time on my hands by the end of the week to keep everyone up to date with my life. I feel so lost when I am not reading blogs or writing a little something. Hope everyone is well ((HUGS)).

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Almost at the finish line

I can't believe it, almost at the finish line. I can see it ahead of me and I am so excited. In a few weeks I will once again be blessed by giving birth to a beautiful baby. I keep telling myself that because I can't imagine how much my life is going to change once again. From this I am going to learn and grow so much more, looking forward to it. This will be my last week at work and I couldn't be happier. I am so exhausted and I want to be home to get my house ready (still haven't done anything from my last post).
Julian is getting more and more excited, not a day goes by that he doesn't hug and kiss my belly. I think he must of had a dream of her or something because he woke up one day pretending to cry like Emma and telling me that he is going to give her a bottle and pacifier to make her stop, lol. He has no idea how much his life is going to change but I am sure he is going to be the best big brother ever. He still mentions Sami and hugs her blanket all the time especially at night. It brings comfort to him like it does to me. I miss her, I miss her more than I show but I try to not let my hurt stop me from smiling. I often wonder how I am going to react when Emma arrives. I wonder if she is going to resemble Sami in some ways, in a way I hope not because I feel like it will be harder for me. I know Emma will help me with my healing process although I will never be completely healed.