I have been so consumed with my feelings that I feel like I have somewhat pushed my honey aside and I feel really bad about it. He has been working such long hours at work that we hardly see each other and when we finally do get to see each other it's all about me! How I am feeling, how tired I am, how sad I am and so on, what about him? I know his heart aches just like mine does, I know he feels sad and angry and yet he still finds a way to hide that so that I can feel better, so I don't start to cry. I know when he sees me fall apart his heart breaks because he feels like he is the only one who can make me feel better. He always has to be the strong one in order to hold us together these days.
I was wondering last night how he really feels at times because people tend to always ask him only about me, "how is your wife doing, how is she holding up." I guess we all just assume that he is a guy so his feelings aren't spoken of as often as a my feelings are and that is not fair! I know everyone cares for him just as much and his feelings are just as important but I think it's just a general thing to do. He has been so supportive and he always has a way of making me feel better. I need to know that he is getting that support back. It starts with me because I know exactly what he feels when it comes to constantly being worried. Not only does he worry about Sami's well being but mine as well. I don't want him to feel like he is alone in all of this because Lord knows he isn't. He is a wonderful person and I thank the Lord above everyday for bringing him into my life. If I didn't have his unconditional love and support, I wouldn't be holding up as well as I am today.
By the way, we are excited because on Friday are going to go get a 3D ultrasound. Maybe we will be able to see her little face since she always tends to hide it. Then on Tuesday back to the Parenatologist... I don't look forward to those visits because I never walk out of there feeling good. Luckily, my honey has the day off so he will be able to be there with me for that. Going alone to those visits really sucks! I will keep everyone posted with how things are going with Sami.
If I don't say it often.. THANK YOU everyone for being so supportive! God bless...
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2 comments:
i have a 14 week old baby girl who was born with an undetected occipital encephalocele. i had an ultrasound every month and we never saw it; i also had amnio. from what i understand, encephaloceles aren't usually found in bloodwork etc because they are self-contained (unless they're leaking) so nothing escapes from them into the bloodstream. so there's no higher level of protein or anything else present in the blood to alert anyone to the fact that they are there. you have to see them, or be looking for them. which we weren't, because there's no history of any kind of neural tube defect in either of our families.
i was in labor for 18 hours and she didn't come down, so my ob finally decided to do a c-section and that's when we all saw the encephalocele, in the delivery room. i have to believe that josie knew a vaginal birth was a bad idea for her and that's why she didn't descend - and thank god she didn't, because the odds are the trauma to her head would have burst the encephalocele. as it was, she had an MRI the next morning and once they knew what they were dealing with, surgery the next afternoon. there was a minimal amount of brain tissue present in the sac; they pushed the tissue back inside her skull and sewed her up. then they monitored her with CT scans to see if hydrocephalus developed, which after five days it did. so then she received a VP shunt, which drains the spinal fluid into her abdominal cavity. other than the hydrocephalus, josie has none of the other conditions which can accompany an encephalocele. it was what the geneticist at the hospital called 'an isolated, nonsydromic event'.
anyway. this is to say, i know what you're going through. you might even be ahead of me in that you were told ahead of time, so you can prepare. also you already have a child, so you know how to deal with all the other things that come along with having a baby, and you can concentrate on what you have to deal with that might be out of the ordinary in this case. josie is my first, so on top of the diagnosis i was trying to learn everything else about just being a mom and it was rough. i can tell you that now at three and a half months, so far josie is doing well. she is hitting her physical milestones, she is smiling and laughing. she is very strong. you sound like you are too, so you will be fine.
but if you have any questions, my email is xandralex@aol.com.
good luck. it will be all right.
sincerely - alexandra.
I know how hard it is. It does tend to be all about "us", doesn't it. Lean on each other and the best advice I can give you is talk to him. Let him get his feelings out, even if it is just a brief conversation here and there. MY DH was away in military training when we got our prenatal diagnosis. It was horrible being apart and I was so worried that he didn't even have anyone around he was close to. He told me that being able to talk to me helped... Be gentle with yourself and each other. You are in my prayers.
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