Friday, July 03, 2009

Miracles, why can't I believe in them?

Today we went in for a 3D ultrasound, I was dying to see her little face and I just couldn't wait. On the way over there a little part of me wished that I they could see a perfect baby girl but knew in my heart that was not going happen. I seen the tech trying to get a clear picture but her face seemed a little worried so I told her that I knew that something was wrong with the baby and I was aware of it. This place is just for parents to be able to get a sneak peak at what their baby is going to look like they do not give any medical input. Once I told the tech she was relieved because she was worried that I was not aware that something was wrong with my baby girl. She was very nice and understanding. She was really trying to get me some pictures and she gave me the DVD of all of Sami's movements which I will cherish forever. My sister in-law Janina and my mom joined us and they did a really good job of keeping it together. I didn't cry because I wanted it to be joyous moment and it was. Sami is still living, she was kicking like crazy trying to get the Doppler off of her. It was funny, she is a little feisty one!!! The tech advised us to come back in a few weeks once the baby is a little bigger to get some better photos of her. I hope that the sac of fluid won't be covering her face anymore. Seeing that worried me but I won't worry about that for now, on Tuesday I have a Dr. appointment with the parenatologist, so will see what she tells me then. I already have a lot on my mind.

I was telling my honey that when I first heard the news I prayed for a miracle and didn't want believe this was really happening (denial, denial, denial!!!) however I have stopped that. I stopped asking for miracles and just accepted our fate. I don't want to be angry with God once Sami is born and she isn't fine, then what? How is anger going to help me heal? I will be mad because I would have put all my faith into believing in this miracle and in the end the results are still bad like the Dr. had said. God knows I pray everyday, all day!! But now I pray that I get to carry her in my belly for as long as possible. It's not that I don't want her to be well because I do but I don't want to be disappointed. Perhaps it's fear that is holding me back, I am not sure what it is. I thank everyone for praying for us and wanting this baby to be healthy as much as I do but it hurts me to know that it is not going to happen. Maybe it's the "expect the worse, hope for the best" mentality that I have. At times I feel so mean thinking that way because it just doesn't feel right to me but that is my reality. Maybe I will feel different as time passes and it's gets closer to the end.

Oh I am so mad that I have to say in "the end", aren't births supposed to be beginnings? Beginnings full of hope.... I do believe in one thing and that is that through all of this God is going to help me be strong. I know that he will not let me down. A miracle might not happen but I will still have my faith that something good is going to come of this. Some how, some way it will, it just has to.


Laura said...

Hi Lisette. I completely understand how you are feeling. It was exactly the same way I felt as I carried Reagan. We said it exactly the same way, that we would prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It's been a month since she was born, and it is still hard. I wish you peace and joy as your pregnancy progresses. You are in my prayers.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

It is a difficult thing to wrestle with all of the "unknowns" after you hear a difficult pregnancy diagnosis and continue the journey...waiting for your little one. You want to hold on to believe that God can heal (and He can). And the feeling of wanting to protect yourself from prepare in case that miracle doesn't happen. All of those feelings are familiar and understandable to me. (And many others who have walked this path.) But...something I know now that I didn't know at first, (but learned) when I was walking in that "unknown" place is that miracles come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes there is the miracle of physical healing on this earth. And, sometimes God heals completely...body and soul by taking His child to heaven. Both are miracles. In both, there is life, whether on heaven or on earth. mommies, we want to see that physical ask for it and long for it. What I can promise you is that He will not leave you or forsake you. Whatever happens, you will not walk alone. He will carry you and Sami and your whole family through this. And we are praying for all of you...

In His Grace,
Kelly Gerken
Sufficient Grace Ministries

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