Sunday, August 23, 2009

One of those days...

Today is one of those days where I feel like I am the only one hurting. Everyone else gets to make the best of their Sunday and here I am writing down how terribly sad I am. Today I just feel so alone and I am not sure why. I was actually having a good weekend.
Sami is moving around a lot, reminding me of her love but I can't stop thinking of the future. I want to live in the moment but something always reminds me of what lies ahead of us. I wish the tears could just stop, everyday it is the same thing. I just feel so drained and tired at this point. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself anymore. I see this tired, sad little person looking back at me. I don't want to be that person anymore.
I know with time it will be different but right now I just feel like maybe I have taken on way more than I can handle. I have to somehow find the inner strength that got me to this point already. I know it is there, I just have to really dig deep within myself to get it back. So for starters maybe I should stop writing and get ready to go out somewhere with my family. It is not fair that I ruin their day because of my sad mood. Julian needs his mommy right now and I have to put my personal feelings aside for him. He is still so little and he doesn't understand what is going on.

4 comments:

Laura said...

Be patient with yourself...this is a journey that is exhausting on so many levels. You love so well...one breath at a time.

Praying for strength for you as well as rest for your aching heart.

Holly said...

Those days come and go. You're getting closer to meeting little Sami so you may have more rough days and that's completely normal. This journey you are on is not easy. It takes a lot out of you but in the end you are blessed. I know that even though my journey was/is painful and I lost my daughter that I am glad that I chose to take it. It's the single greatest thing I've ever done in my life.

(((hugs)))

Nickel Pickle said...

((hugs)) You will find strength to get through. I am not strong at all & I was able to get through it...I am not saying it is easy, but in the end you will see. I am sorry you are going through this sweetie.

Once A Mother said...

Be gentle with yourself, this is an impossible situation to be in, allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling.

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