Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Easter Sunday

Our family photo on Easter. I wish I had her to actually hold instead of having to hold the bear that carries her ashes. One day baby girl we will meet again, I really believe that.

Julian being a good big brother and holding Sami. He is so gentle with this bear, he really knows just how special that bear is. Yes, he is wearning green golashes, he refuses to wear any other shoes! It's been a phase I can't get him out of, one day he will look back and hopefully laugh. I love my son!

A little late on this Easter holiday post. I said I was never going to take Sami’s urn anywhere but we just felt the need to bring her along with us. This Easter was much harder than Christmas for me and for my husband. I suppose because last year she was growing in my belly already and I was sharing my pregnancy news with my family, how nice last year was! This year Marie was also missing and that just made it that much harder on me and my entire family. Our family is broken, things will never be the same no matter how much we try. I hate it when people say to give it time like if time is going to make our wounds heal. Yes, we will learn to cope better and move forward but time will never make “it” heal. Usually people that say that are people who have never had a loss like ours. Anyhow, we took Sami along with us for Easter. It was nice, everyone was happy to see her there. If it was weird for them they never showed it, which I am thankful for. She is in the background of many pictures and that makes me smile. Not in the way I ever imagined but she is there alright.

Last year I was imagining buying the cutest outfit and making the cutest basket for my child and this year I was holding a bear that carries my daughter’s ashes.
My husband had an emotional day as well. I am glad that he is not afraid to show his emotions in front of me. A few times he had to take a walk to the front yard because he didn’t want to cry in front of my entire family, I don’t blame him. Later on at home we cried together. We had not done that in a while, it was nice. He had been gone for work for the last two weeks and I missed having him there to listen to me. He such a beautiful person and I am so thankful for him. We speak of Sami everyday but this was different. I am glad to know that he misses her as much as I do and he also feels the same way in regards to how much things have changed. It is really nice to have those conversations just to see where we both are emotionally. We both agree that it is getting harder to be without her, it is really real that she will never come to us in this life. People are definitely back to their normal lives and here we are trying to figure that part out for ourselves. We should be getting excited because she would be starting to sit up and now there is no excitement just sadness in our hearts.

I asked my sister to bring me the rest of Sami’s blankets that she used at the hospital. She had taken them with to wash them and I wasn’t in a rush to get them back. I opened the bag and there they were along with her pink beanie. The last time I held them they were gently wrapped around her. Now they were nicely folded and showed no signs that they once warmed her little body. I looked for any signs of blood and there wasn’t any. I didn’t want to see the blood necessary but in a way I did because that would have been proof that she was there. I know it’s weird but I can’t help it. How I wish I would have other ways to remember her by. I wish I had more time with her, I wish I had more pictures but more than anything I wish she was here being spoiled by her daddy. She would have been such a daddy’s girl. I feel so bad when I see a dad hold his baby girl and my honey just looks at them with such sad eyes. I sometimes feel like I carry most of the heart ache but no my honey does too. Sami took a part of us with her. We miss her so much everyday.


lost--for--words said...

It is so hard going through these holidays without our babies. Our daughter died on Good Friday last year, so I found Easter to be incredibly difficult this year. Last Easter Sunday had to go pick her burial spot (and with my luck that day happened to be my birthday as well...) It was all so cruel. As soon as I noticed the Easter stuff out in stores, I felt sick to my stomach.
Thinking about you and Sami. It's wonderful that your husband is so open with his emotions and that you two can lean on eachother. Oh and yes, my two year old won't wear anything but her rubber boots too!

Holly said...

I think that's really nice that you took Sami with you. :) I wish she could've been here in person to celebrate Easter with you.

Julian looks cute in his green shoes!!

Once A Mother said...

what a beautiful set of photos. I think the teddy bear for her ashes is such a wonderful thing to have. I wish sometimes I had something like that to hold close. I know what you mean, sometimes we need to see things (like the blood) to make sure this isn't all some dream. as always, thinking of you xx

Anonymous said...

Its beautiful that you brought Sami with you. She is always going to be with you. You can't just get over her are right...unless you have lost a child, you just don't get it. *huge hugs*

Hope's Blog said...

I am so glad Sami got to spend Easter with all of you. What a wonderful way to spend time with her. Julian is great and I love his Cars basket. I don't think time can possibly heal what you have gone through...only being with them in heaven will fully heal your pain. Love you, Paula

Elena said...

I think the teddy bear carrying Sami's ashes is so beautiful. I'm glad you had a great Easter. I agree those that say time heals all wounds have never had the experience of losing a child. I think people just don't know what to say but want to say something so they just say what they feel is the right thing and it turns out its not. Thank you for sharing your Easter story with all of us. I don't think looking for blood was weird, if it is then I'm weird with you as I have not washed the receiving blanket that has some of Lilly's blood on it. So we can be "weird" together. As always your family is in my thoughts and prayers.


With Out My Punkin said...

You have a beautiful family, I am glad that Sami was able to be with you. Love the green boots!
((Hugs)) Thinking of you!

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