Our family photo on Easter. I wish I had her to actually hold instead of having to hold the bear that carries her ashes. One day baby girl we will meet again, I really believe that.
Julian being a good big brother and holding Sami. He is so gentle with this bear, he really knows just how special that bear is. Yes, he is wearning green golashes, he refuses to wear any other shoes! It's been a phase I can't get him out of, one day he will look back and hopefully laugh. I love my son!
A little late on this Easter holiday post. I said I was never going to take Sami’s urn anywhere but we just felt the need to bring her along with us. This Easter was much harder than Christmas for me and for my husband. I suppose because last year she was growing in my belly already and I was sharing my pregnancy news with my family, how nice last year was! This year Marie was also missing and that just made it that much harder on me and my entire family. Our family is broken, things will never be the same no matter how much we try. I hate it when people say to give it time like if time is going to make our wounds heal. Yes, we will learn to cope better and move forward but time will never make “it” heal. Usually people that say that are people who have never had a loss like ours. Anyhow, we took Sami along with us for Easter. It was nice, everyone was happy to see her there. If it was weird for them they never showed it, which I am thankful for. She is in the background of many pictures and that makes me smile. Not in the way I ever imagined but she is there alright.
Last year I was imagining buying the cutest outfit and making the cutest basket for my child and this year I was holding a bear that carries my daughter’s ashes.
My husband had an emotional day as well. I am glad that he is not afraid to show his emotions in front of me. A few times he had to take a walk to the front yard because he didn’t want to cry in front of my entire family, I don’t blame him. Later on at home we cried together. We had not done that in a while, it was nice. He had been gone for work for the last two weeks and I missed having him there to listen to me. He such a beautiful person and I am so thankful for him. We speak of Sami everyday but this was different. I am glad to know that he misses her as much as I do and he also feels the same way in regards to how much things have changed. It is really nice to have those conversations just to see where we both are emotionally. We both agree that it is getting harder to be without her, it is really real that she will never come to us in this life. People are definitely back to their normal lives and here we are trying to figure that part out for ourselves. We should be getting excited because she would be starting to sit up and now there is no excitement just sadness in our hearts.
I asked my sister to bring me the rest of Sami’s blankets that she used at the hospital. She had taken them with to wash them and I wasn’t in a rush to get them back. I opened the bag and there they were along with her pink beanie. The last time I held them they were gently wrapped around her. Now they were nicely folded and showed no signs that they once warmed her little body. I looked for any signs of blood and there wasn’t any. I didn’t want to see the blood necessary but in a way I did because that would have been proof that she was there. I know it’s weird but I can’t help it. How I wish I would have other ways to remember her by. I wish I had more time with her, I wish I had more pictures but more than anything I wish she was here being spoiled by her daddy. She would have been such a daddy’s girl. I feel so bad when I see a dad hold his baby girl and my honey just looks at them with such sad eyes. I sometimes feel like I carry most of the heart ache but no my honey does too. Sami took a part of us with her. We miss her so much everyday.
1 year ago