Monday, April 26, 2010

6 months today

Did I mention I hate Monday's? Especially today because Sami would be exactly 6 months. I am supposed to be holding her today and giving her tons of kisses. Julian should be saying happy birthday and singing his "happy, happy, cha cha" song for her.
This really sucks, today is a very emotional day for me. I feel so sad and angry because this is not fair! I know, I know "everything happens for a reason" well today that just sounds like BS to me. What is the purpose of making me suffer so much, what did I so badly in this life to deserve this? My anger is not towards God or anyone is particular. Death is part of life but I just wish it wasn't part of mine.
I wonder what Sami would look like today, would she have some of my personality in her? Would her hair still be wavy like mine? I hate having so many questions that will always be unanswered. I forgot to post last week that I had a dream and she was in it. Marie was holding her by the hand, she was a toddler. I knew it was her but I couldn't see her features or anything. They were far away from me. Marie had a baby in her arms in a light blue wrap, she looked so peaceful (that I remember clearly). Marie said to me "I have your son Joseph here with me but he will be coming home to you soon". I woke up right after that, so of course that has been in my head for the past week now. I know I am not pregnant but is she trying to tell me something? I still feel like I am not ready and I honestly I don't think I ever will. It is something that just has to happen and then I know I will do just fine. I hope the natural mom in me will come back. I do think it is weird that it was a boy in my dreams because I was telling my honey a few months back that when we have another baby I just have a feeling that it will be boy. So now if it does happen and it is boy his name will have to definitely have Joseph in it (Franchesca, I am not trying to steal your name, lol). That would just be so weird and again just confirms that babies are heaven sent. Before I was pregnant with Julian, my honey's uncle passed away (a month before or so) and he told I was going to get pregnant soon with a boy and well he was right! That is why Julian's middle name is Salvador after him, I just had to include his name because he sure did tell me my son was soon to come into our lives, amazing that things like that happen. We will just have to wait and see that my future holds but today I am at a stand still because I cannot believe it has already been 6 months.


Sami, mommy misses you so much. Happy 6 month Birthday! I wish I could hold you and kiss you today. Julian was thinking a lot about you yesterday, he even fell asleep with your blanket. He was crying for baby, held your blanket and was fast asleep for his afternoon nap. How I wish you were here so you could feel his love first hand. I know that he will always hold a special place in his heart for you. I get sad that he only has your blanket to hold but it makes me happy to know how much he loves you so. Daddy and I love you so much too. Daddy was really sad that he wasn't able to make to the walk the other day. You helped me make a difference and raise so much money for the March of Dimes. You still continue to touch so many lives.


P.S baby girl, please continue to walk along side your Tia Marie, tell her we love and miss her too!

13 comments:

*Laura Angel said...

I hate tuesdays...I know how you feel :(

heathermohr said...

Remembering Sami with you today. (((hugs)))

With Out My Punkin said...

Thinking of you and Sami today. ((hugs))

Once A Mother said...

I spent alot of time last night talking to my hubs about you and Sami during a car ride home from my parents. I don't remember how you came up, but after reading this, think it is so amazing that here it is, a major milestone (6 months) and Sami has be SO ON MY MIND! I feel blessed to have gotten to know and love her through knowing you and think that dream about Marie holding the baby boy is just amazing. I think she, and Sami, are doing a lot of things on their end to help you here. Sending love and light today. I wish Sami was here with you, but know that she will find a way to make you feel her today.
Peace xx

Franchesca said...

What a beautiful dream!!! I LOVE that you would name your future son Joseph!! Oh, that is just so beautiful, I honestly cannot wait, I know you don't feel ready yet, but when the time comes I will be so thrilled for you!!! and that is so neat about your uncle! Some people just know, it's so strange. Like with Jenna, my dad KNEW the baby was going to be a girl, he can always tell.

On another note, I get that your heart hurts so much on days like these. Six months was rough for me too, and now coming up on a year, I just feel all those raw emotions resurfacing. My heart hurts for both of us, missing our girls and waiting until we can see them again. XOXO

Franchesca said...

Oh, and I hate Mondays too, Jenna flew to Heaven on a Monday :*(

Hope's Blog said...

Happy 6 Month Birthday Sami...you are so very missed.

You have been on my mind all day today Lisette. I knew it would be hard for you and I wish I could give you a big <>.

Maggie said...

Happy 6 month birthday to your sweet Sami, thinking of you both!

Jill said...

Thinking of you and Sami. I wish you could hold and kiss your girl too. xo

Antoinette said...

Happy 6 months Sami, what a big girl you are turning out to be!!!!

Lisette, I know EXACTLY how you feel about Mondays, I found out her heart has stopped on a monday, i can find something to not like about each day of the week actually, tuesday was when she was "born", wednesday i hate cause it was the day after the last time I ever held her, thursday i hate because it was the day before i buried her, friday i hate because it was THE day i buried her, saturday i hate because it was the last night she kicked me, sunday i hate because one i used to get my email updates on what she'd be doing in the belly that day, and the night i realized she didnt kick me.....unfortunately this is my damn life....and your life too....im also not a fan of "it happened for a reason" cause i sure as hell would like to know the reason why God has some babies be born into homes of neglect and molestation, and abuse....6 months is a long time with hurt. I am going on 9 weeks tomorrow and i feel like its an eternity...I dreamt last night that I went to the dr for stomach pain and they had the stethescope to my belly and heard a heart beat and told me i was pregnant and in my dream i said "what it cant be we didnt try it cant be" and when i woke up today i said THAT is how its going to happen, because i struggle with "being ready" for rainbow....its difficult for me to want to do it without thinking i forgot my sweet butterfly....i know i will never forget her, but i still wonder if there will ever be a "ready" time....you know what i mean?? (((hugs))) im with you today and always!!!

Jessica said...

Happy six months Sami!!

Michele said...

Thinking of you... My days are Fri, Sat, and Sun... Those are always rough.

Holly said...

Happy 6 months Sami.

6 months was a hard time for me so I'm thinking of you.

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