Thursday, April 15, 2010

This is real

Why are people so afraid to talk about infant death? It’s real and unfortunately it has happened too many of us. For us it is a reality that we are forced into and we cannot control it. It is ugly, it is painful and it hurts like hell. It is something most people block out of their minds and I get it. I was once one of those people that thought it cannot happen to me. Death was never a looming thought in my head, at least not about my own child. How I miss those days where I did not have to think of death. Now death is a like black cloud over me.

So people, it is real, it does happen and it is reality. It is a way of life that I will never get used to. The only thing I have to get used to now is people making stupid comments without thinking about how much they hurt. I have to get used the fact that my daughter will be forgotten to many people that I once cared about. Her name will not be spoken of, her birthday will not be remembered and I will continue to just be a mom to Julian, not a mom to two children in their eyes. For me on the other hand I will cherish the memories of holding her in my womb for 38 weeks and do whatever it takes to makes sure that she knows she will never be forgotten. The pictures I have that make many uncomfortable will continue to brighten my day. For those people, sorry it makes you uncomfortable to see my precious baby but there is nothing you can do about it. Turn around and continue to be naïve that things like this do not happen. I hope and pray that no one else has to say goodbye to their child but I am not God and I cannot control that. I really wish I could because this life is not easy.

Sami, mommy and daddy miss you so much. As the days goes by it seems like it gets harder to be without you. We are going to walk next weekend for you and so far we have had many people make donations in your honor. We have raised $2,075 as of today and we will continue to raise more in the days to come. I hope you will be smiling down on us that day. We love you baby girl!

11 comments:

Lindsy said...

So true ~ once you have buried a child, your innocence is forever robbed from you.
I'm so thankful you have pictures ~ what a treasure to help you remember every precious detail of sweet Lauren.
{{{hugs}}}

Franchesca Cox said...

You are so right. It does seem like it hurts more everyday. When you said, "I have to get used the fact that my daughter will be forgotten to many people that I once cared about." I think this has been such an eye-opener for me and incredibly heart-breaking. Thinking about you and your precious Sami. I am so sorry you know this pain and reality. You are doing such a beautiful thing by sharing Sami's story with us here. She is not forgotten here. XO

klarsen said...

Hugs, xxx. Our innocence is forever gone.

Antoinette said...

I will be walking on the 25th here in ny!! I couldnt help but cry all day today due to the fact that this is all i can do for her for the rest of my life!! I feel your pain too, its an awful cross to carry with us forever. no one knows the pain that comes with saying hello and good bye all at once...God bless your family (((hugs))))

Maggie said...

So very true! I wish people were more aware of loss and I don't understand why it's swept under the rug and not spoken of. It frustrates me that people forget about our babies. Lots of hugs and have a wonderful walk in Sami's honor! XO

April said...

I will never forget Sami or any of the other babies that I have read blogs about. I was thinking the other day when I saw a beautiful picture of a baby that had passed that it is so unfair that babies have to die! But I guess in reality, it is unfair to us that grieve for them and not the babies themselves. They are enjoying themselves in Heaven, a place more wonderful than any of us can even imagine. But we are here feeling the pain and emptiness that we are left with.

I feel like you, about never forgetting our babies. I will always talk about Adam, his pictures will never come off of my walls. He is my son if he is here or not.

I have decided that it is better to let some people become uncomfortable if I mention Adam as long as it makes me feel better because how they are feeling is only temporary but I will forever carry around this heartache!

Jill said...

Very well written. This is so true and I know my innocence is forever gone. It is amazing what you have raised in Sami's honor!! xo

*Laura Angel said...

i agree with Jill very well written! (((HUGS))) to you!! :)

Elena said...

*hug*.....
This post hits close to my heart and is so true. Thank you for posting. I don't think you have anything to apologize for. You are celebrating your daughter's life! Unfortunately people don't know how to deal with a loss like ours and so they do say silly things where you go "really?" Mostly their intentions are pure, and it is hard to have to accommodate their feelings and try to understand where they are coming from along with trying to just even learn to live with our forever pain. You will always talk about Sami as you should. It is no different than sharing stories about Julian or any other future children you may have someday. And you are a mom to TWO beautiful children. I will remember her and listen as you talk about her. I don't know if I ever told you this but Sami is beautiful!! And you are a wonderful mother and woman with a big heart. I'm glad to have met you.

love and prayers
elena

Anonymous said...

People realize that you have gone through something heartbreaking but how can you start the healing process if you keep reflecting on the past.

Holly said...

I don't know why people avoid the topic. I wish they didn't.

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