Angel wings

I know I have posted before about Sami's angel wings. Well with her urn there were wings attached to it. When we seen them we just knew that on the day of her service she had to be wearing them. They fit her perfectly, we were so excited. My niece Victoria couldn't believe she really had wings that day, I love the mind of innocent children. My sister told her she was an angel so seeing Sami with wings she was taken back. Makes me smile thinking of that because I know she will always remember her cousin as an angel. A few days later when we had to go pick up her ashes (I hate the way that sounds) they gave me her blanket and rosary but no angel wings. She was creamated with them, she is such a girl and didn't want to wait in line I suppose. Why wait for wings when you already have them right?  I don't know why it took me so long order them again but I did. Today they came in the mail, it made me happy but so emotional at the same time. It doesn't seem right that I have to go through stuff like this. I should be buying her clothes and bows not angel wings to put on her bear. Some days I feel like I am coping as best as I could then out of nowhere I get stopped right in my tracks. My life is different, I accept it even though I would much rather have another life. I life that doesn't involve so much pain in my heart, a life that was supposed be---complete.

These past few months I haven't really felt this pain so intensly as tonight. The pain is always there but it wasn't something that I couldn't handle. I can't really explain it but I am sure many of you can relate. I keep reliving the moments that most people NEVER have to think about such as dressing your dead child, calling the morturary to pick her because her skin was changing color. Those are moments that I will never forget no matter how much time passes. October is so near, it's really starting to hit me.