Thursday, September 23, 2010

Birth certificate

Fall is here, I love the fall. The smells, the cool breeze on my face and the falling leaves. I love it all but these past days it has brought me so many emotions. I stepped out the truck yesterday and the smell in the air just brought me back to last year when I was trying my best to embrace everyday with Sami. I would pray to God to let me hold her as long as I could even though by this point I was already in pain from the poly. Everyday I would embrace those kicks and take it all in. It is weird how a simple smell can bring me back to those moments in an instant. I am happy for those moments but it still pulls at my heart. How I wish it would be different. It's almost 11 months, I can't believe it. Next month will be her memorial service and I am looking forward to it because I really want it to bring me peace. I need to do this for me and of course for her. I hope it all turns out to be OK.

So yesterday as I walked in I noticed the mail and there it is was... her birth certificate. It took me long enough to order it, not sure why to be honest. There in my hand was official proof that she really was born alive. I felt like showing it off to who ever just so they can really see for themselves that she really lived. It broke my heart to see on the bottom corner "date of death" but I just ignored that part. Even if she would have never taken a single breath I would still say she lived. Sorry for all you have had a still birth and have to deal with people believing your child never lived. Just makes me sad because they all lived within us. It is so sad that I received her death certificate before this one but it is what it is. Now I get to place another item in her memory box.  I want to cry, I want to scream that this is just so unfair. I miss her so much, I ache for her every single day. For people who wonder if I have moved on, uumm no! Coping... yes, breathing... yes learning to live out her... yes. Some days are good, I smile, I laugh but the pain is never far away.

Sami baby please surround me with your warmth as the days to your birthday approach. It's starting to get a little more difficult for me. Time obviously isn't healing my broken heart. I need you more than ever, lots of kisses and hugs my sweet.

14 comments:

Girl in the dark said...

Oh, I am so glad you got the birth certificate, but so sorry for everything else. I hope the memorial ceremony goes well and some peace does come to you. You certainly deserve it.

Girl in the dark said...

I hit post before I was done. I don't know how you could ever move on. I think all you can do is cope, and get better at it as you go. Sami was very lucky to have such a caring and loving mother, and I hope for healing for your broken heart.

AnnaMarie said...

Yay for receiving Sami's birth certificate! Yes, she was here.

I agree that time does not heal broken hearts, it's what you do while time passes that can smooth the edges.

(((hugs)))

croleyc69 said...

So glad you got Sami's birth certificate. I know at times I can laugh and have fun but then it hits me again. I just take things moment by moment. Doing the best I can and know I'm blessed through it all.

{{{HUGS}}}
Caroline

Antoinette said...

((((hugs))))) These simple pieces of paper are more than that to us...YES she lived and SHE WAS HERE...im sorry she isnt any more....fall is bringing me so many memories as well...I know what you mean about 'still birth' there was nothing STILL about it, wonder why they dont call it a silent birth instead....but anyway i found her death certificate in my papers when we moved and I think my husband didnt let me see it when it first came, my first reaction was "Wait? they give her a death one but not a BIRTH one? How can someone 'die' if they were never considered to be born?" The truth is they DID live and they lived comfortably in our bellies, and I know what you mean about time...time isnt doing anything but telling me how much TIME has passed...im breathing, im living, but im missing her so much!!

thinking of you and sami <3

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am so glad you received it. ((HUGS)) I pray that her memorial service will bring you the peace you desire.

Missy @ My Life Ain't Always Beautiful said...

What a beautifully bittersweet post. Thanks for sharing.

Jill said...

I am happy you received Sami's birth certificate. I remember all the emotions that I had when I had those certificates in my hand. I am sure the memorial service will be beautiful!!

butterflymom said...

I'm with you, hun, as the one year mark comes upon us both very soon. Glad that you are finding some peace now that Sami's birth certificate is in your hands. Hugs to you...and a lovely blog award coming your way. Please check out my latest post (I feel honored....). I wanted you to be honored too. Thinking about you, Lisette.

Hope's Blog said...

I am guessing receiving the birth certificate was bittersweet for you. Sami was definitely here and touched many live...especially mine. I imagine your emotions will be all over the place with her birthday and memorial service approaching. {{{HUGS}}} to you and give one to your hubby and Julian. I am sure they are feeling emotional too.

Michelle said...

I am so glad you got that birth certificate. Here in Utah you can apply for one, but I have yet to do it. I am scared because I didn't have to do a death certificate that they will deny me it and right now I just can't handle any more heartbreak. I am just so happy for you!!!

Lori said...

I remember getting the birth certificate. It broke my heart. Getting the death certificate was worse.

But you're right---it's good to have the tangible proof...like we need it, but still, sometimes you want to just wave it and shove it in some people's faces and say, "MY BABY LIVED. WAS REAL. WAS NOT SOMETHING I'LL JUST GET OVER OR REPLACE WITH A NEW BABY."

SO hard. Thinking of you in these upcoming days and weeks...
xoxo

Tiffany said...

Check out my blog, I honored your blog with an award!!!!

Sarita Boyette said...

I remember how proud I was when I received Meredith's birth certificate. It was proof that she was not a dream, that she mattered to the Vital Statistics Bureau, even if others had already forgotten. It was 6 weeks after her birth and it was the first time I knew how much she weighed when she was born, 4 lbs, 6 ozs.
At that time, the date of death was not on certificates.
I pray that Sami's memorial service brings some peace to your heart. She is important, she lived, and she is still your daughter.
Please email me when you get a chance. (I want to make a little memento for Sami's birthday)
sboyette@tx.rr.com

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