So touched

On Sami's birthday I received the sweetest letter from one of Sami's nurses. I have read that letter so many times and it still makes me cry. It really touched my heart. I asked her if I could share it and thankfully she said yes. Did I mention that I love my nurses? Cheryl and Angie will always hold a special place in my heart and as long as I can help it they will continue to be in my life. So if you both are reading this THANK YOU for being so wonderful, love you guys.

October 26, 2010

Dear Delgado Family-

Today marks the one-year anniversary to the day that we met. One year ago we were meeting under circumstances that were at the time stressful and full of anxiety. At the time we were both questioning what would the outcome really be and praying that this experience was exactly what you both had envisioned and prepared for. I remember that night, probably more than any other night I had experienced as a nurse. It was a Monday night and in the five years as a nurse I probably only worked a Monday night a handful of times because of my husbands work schedule. I remember dreading the drive in, thinking why did I schedule myself on this night, I can’t stand working Mondays probably because they are usually so busy and short staffed. I remember walking in to our mini shift meeting and seeing the patient board and to my surprise it was a rare slow night. I received my assignment on station two. I was working with two other nurses that night and there was only one patient there at the time and I was assigned to take her.
I had this patient for about 5 hours, which in those five hours I had been working so hard to manage her pain and get her settled with an epidural. I remember looking out at the station at the two other nurses that I was working with as they enjoyed their time without patients, just reading magazines and eating. At one point I walked back from getting ice chips for the patient and one of the nurses pulled me into another room. She told me I was getting a high-risk patient coming from triage. The assignment change was coming from our supervisor. I remember being so confused, why do I have to take another patient when I have been the only one working all night. Is my supervisor picking on me, I just did not understand. I gave report on my other patient and walked over to triage to talk to the nurse caring for the patient I would be receiving. Cheryl greeted me at the nurse’s desk, I could tell in her eyes that something was different about this patient. She handed me a pile of papers and said read. I remember Cheryl telling me, “Friend, I know you were the only one who had an assignment tonight, but this patient needs you and I was the one that had your assignment changed.” I looked down and I began to read the birth plan. The birth plan was probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read regarding the care of their unborn child. The details of how you wanted her to be pain free and got authorization to have pain meds given as needed, to having her baptized, and even just arranging a photographer there to capture those precious moments with her.
I felt so many emotions after reading everything. First, I felt honored that Cheryl thought so highly of my nursing care to choose me to care for you. Second, I questioned myself. How do I make this experience everything they envisioned? How do I fulfill their emotional needs? Am I going to be the caring and nurturing nurse that they had hoped for? How would I cope with this? I wanted it to be perfect, but I was so scared to let you down. I have taken care of many cases regarding infant loss and often left work feeling empty, questioning God and wondering why was this happening. Why? Why? Why? And of course no response was ever received. How can a beautiful, loving and deserving family experience such loss and grief? Little did I know that the answers to my questions would eventually be answered.
I remember getting the call from Cheryl that she was bringing you to your room, 212. I remember trying to place myself in your shoes and thinking how would I want my nurse to care of me if I was going through this experience. When we met I remember feeling so sad for you. I didn’t even know you but I wanted to just hug you and tell you how sorry I was. This was going to be one of the most difficult days in your life and you had complete strangers helping you along this journey. You must have been so scared.
After your epidural, you progressed so quickly and soon Sami was ready to come into this world. As the doctor arrived I remember being so scared for you. At this moment your daughter will have life and so quickly would it be taken from her. Sami was born and as expected her diagnoses were confirmed to be true. But through the sadness, beauty was found. Sami was beautiful! She was an ANGEL! She was and is a gift from GOD! She is always with me. I know she it. She is always with me at work, along with the other angels that have crossed my path.
I left work so sad that day. Just like all the other families that have crossed my path at some point or another in my career, I questioned if I would ever see them again. I always felt so connected to these families as if they were my own and then never had the opportunity to see them again. When you visited our work the night that both Cheryl and I were working, such joy and piece of mind was felt. I felt for the first time as a nurse I could express how this experience really affected me and how this experience has made me a better person and nurse. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
To see you all on the 23rd of October was a breathe of fresh air. Keeping in contact over facebook and reading your blog has really helped me feel the importance of so many things. Working with death and seeing it face-to-face has always brought questions that I wrote earlier, why? Why? Why? Lisette and Laurence, you are two brave and amazing people who have set a clear example to all those who question faith or God. And when faced with adversity, you broke through the mold and showed this world what strength, faith and love can really do. And even though Sami is dancing in heaven, she lives through you!!! Continue to spread your love, we can feel Sami shining through!

Much Love,

Angie