Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Such a hard day for me

It seems like forever since I have posted but I have just been so lazy to be honest. I start a new post but never finish it.


So Sami’s birthday came and went and thank God I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be. I woke up at exactly 5 am, she was born at 5:04, weird huh? I cried instantly and just asked for God to fill my heart with peace. That was such a hard day but so beautiful at the same time. I had an appointment with the Peri but first we spoke to the genetic counselor again and she recommended that I do the CVS again because the chances of everything happening again are more in the 25-35% range. I wasn’t planning on doing that on her day but I just wanted to get it over with. We did the NT scan and this little one measured perfectly at 1.8 not 7.5 like Sami. I cried tears of relief. I was shaking and shaking and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my body. My husband felt the same too. My little one was moving so much, it was adorable. I think at that moment I fell in love.

I had been feeling so sad that I didn’t allow myself to love this little rainbow because my fear over powered every feeling within me. Hearing the heart beating, watching every movement just made me snap back and appreciate the little life within me. The CVS hurt like hell again but it was quick and I should be getting my results by the end of this week. I have been a nervous wreck just waiting and waiting. I am glad they haven’t called me since that is a good thing although they should call anyhow just to let me know all is well. I will call them AGAIN this Friday and hopefully get the answers I have been waiting for. I just want to fast forward time.

We had planned on doing something special on Sami’s day but since I had the CVS I was on bed rest so we really couldn’t do much. Julian sang happy birthday many times for her, broke my heart but I love that he loves her so much. Not many people besides BLM called me but that is OK. THANK YOU to everyone who sent us cards for her, it really made my day and week. I received the most beautiful email from one of her nurses that day that had me in tears but it was the sweetest thing ever. Sami will always be remembered and I love that.

On Thursday the 28th we attended a “walk to remember” at the hospital, it was very nice. I would love to be able to take part in that in more ways than just participating in the future. I have so many ideas to share with them. I finally got to see her name on the memorial wall. Walking through the hospital wasn’t as bad as I thought either. I try to block out all the bad moments and focus on the good. I know she doesn’t want to see her mommy sad all the time. Her life wasn’t a sad one and I refuse to make it that way.



Lauren S Delgado
(7th name on the right)














Today is harder for me than I thought, last year on this day we had her service. It was the last time I physically held her and kissed her. I knew it was just her body and that her soul was already in heaven but just being able to hold her again was such a great feeling. I hate that I remember these dates like it was yesterday. I remember EVERYTHING in detail. I remember getting there early to hold her before people got there. I remember telling her how much we loved her and how sorry I was that I wasn’t able to save her. In some way I still feel guilty that my body let her down. There were so many imperfections in her perfect body. I still wonder what if I could have done more for her. I remember wrapping her up in the blanket that my mom made for Sami, she was so pretty in pink. I could still remember my husband breaking down while holding her lifeless body. That was so hard to watch him and there was nothing I could do to make it better for him. We would have to say goodbye to our daughter forever that day. I remember taking a deep breath and pleading with God to let me make it through the day. I am so glad I got to hold her, I didn’t care what people thought. I walked her into another room and held her some more. Why is this day so hard? I hate this day.


11 comments:

Jessica said...

Lisette - my heart breaks for you! I am so glad that you are able to feel your new baby moving and that everything is looking good. I am also so sorry that you ever had to lose your sweet Sami <3 Much love and strength to you! (((hugs)))

Lori said...

Sending you so much love!
xoxoxo

Jill said...

Such lovely pictures. Thinking you you!!! XO

AnnaMarie said...

(((hugs)))

"Her life wasn’t a sad one and I refuse to make it that way." This is an incredibly beautiful statement!

heathermohr said...

Those photos are just beautiful. Thinking of you and hoping for awesome results to the CVS test.

PB&J said...

Really wonderful pictures.. really beautiful life and story and now a wonderful rainbow to join in the family filled with love

The Blue Sparrow said...

AWWW Lisette, sending you the BIGGEST HUGS ever! I'll be praying about your test! (((HUGS)))

Sarita Boyette said...

Sami looks so pretty in her perfect dress and bonnet that you chose with such love and care. You did everything you could for her - please don't feel guilty. I'm praying for you and your family - I know it's hard to remember these days that are so significant in your journey. xoxoxox

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Remembering Sami and praying for your family....she is so beautiful.

Love to you....

Jessica said...

beautiful photos. She is so beautiful. *hugs*

Hoping for great results on the CVS. Its hard to connect with a rainbow in the beginning...this will change *hugs*

Malory said...

Oh Lisette, sending you a big hug & love.

I "fell in love" at the nt scan as well. Until then I had a hard time feeling anything towards the new baby. The fear was suffocating me. Hoping for good results!

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