Monday, February 22, 2010

Learning to Breath

I wish I could share some good news but I can't. Marie left to be with God and I can't wrap my head around this. I am walking in a daze. I never thought I would be planning a funeral after Sami, it's only been four months. I thought I was doing well in the sense of having good days lately and now this has just devastated me. I think at the moment I am in shock, I feel like at any moment I am going to get a call from her or an email to Cheer me up. This has hit my family so hard, she was just a beautiful person and she has touched so many lives. The amount of support people have shown our family is just amazing. Thank you everyone!

Learning to breath is my new title and it fits so well because that is how my life is at the moment. Learning to breath and learning to live. There are moments in my life where I feel like I have to remind myself to just to that, breath! The pain in heart so bad that feel like at any moment is going to just stop. Is there such a thing as dying from a broken heart? How do I get the strength to help my brother and the kids? I promised Marie that since she is taking care of my baby in heaven I am going to take care of her baby's here. I am going to do whatever I can to help them although I feel like I can't. I don't know how I am going to do that when I don't know how to live without her. I love her more than words can say. She meant the world to me and I wish I had told her that more often. I will have to finish this post later because I just can't continue at the moment. Thank you, thank you everyone for the many prayers. It really means a lot to me.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I am asking for prayers!!! Please





I cannot believe this is really happening right now. I am desperate and in need of prayers at the moment for my family. My sister (in-law) Marie is really sick at the moment. Yesterday she went to work and felt dizzy and two minutes later she was unconscious. She was rushed to the hospital and after hours of testing they realized she had a brain aneurism. They went in to release some of the bleeding and shortly after she coded. Marie was pronounce dead around 3pm. Again I was in a room full of doctors I could not wrap my head around what I had just heard. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. A few minutes they came back in, Marie’s heart started on its own!!! Marie is not ready to leave this world; MIRACLE is all I can say to that. We need to pray that she will stay with us. I cannot handle another loss at this moment. I seriously cannot remember a time in my life without her. She is my brother’s high school sweetheart. Marie is such a beautiful person who has such faith in God. Marie is a healthy person who works out everyday, lives for her family. She is a mother of 4, Cassandra (26), Carlos (24), Andrea (10) and Gabrielle (7). They need her, my brother needs her, my family needs her and most of all I need her. I seriously never even call her “in-law”, she is my sister. Please, I am begging for everyone to pray for her. She means the world to me. She is holding on, they do believe there is a large amount of brain damage however with all the swelling they can’t assume that. She has tubes everywhere and will be in an induced coma for at least 3 days. She came back to us for a reason and I really believe something good will has to come of this. I know life is never certain but miracles have happened and will continue to do so. The first 24 hours were highly critical and she has survive that, I am being very hopeful, I know the recovery will be long and hard but together as a family I know we will make it. I will try to post once I hear something different, please, please pray!!! Thank you and God bless.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Mini breakdown

I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day. This year we decided we were not going to go all out like we normally do. We did however take Julian to the snow for the first time and that was really nice. He had so much fun so that made me really happy. We do not get that much snow in California so we had to take advantage of it and go. I also wanted to get away from the heat this past weekend because it was 80 degrees! So over all I had a good day.


On Saturday we were out for dinner at a restaurant and I had a mini breakdown. We were almost done with dinner when I heard the cry of a newborn in front of us. I seriously did not notice that there was a baby there. She was crying and crying and I tried to ignore her cries (impossible) but what got to me was actually seeing the lady pick up that baby to soothe her. She gazed into her baby’s eyes and you could just see the love she had for her. I was jealous, I will admit it. I want that so badly, I want to hold my baby and make her feel better. I was trying to so hard to fight back my tears. I was trying to talk to Julian and my husband to get my mind to think of something else. My honey noticed and he just looked at me with a helpless look. Thank God our bill came because we were out of there so fast. Either way I was going to walk out. I didn’t want strangers staring at me because I was crying. Of course I cried on the way home.


That was the first time since Sami passed away that I had actually been around a new baby. I avoid being around baby’s as much as possible and now I know why. I am just not ready and I often wonder when I will be. I feel bad because I still have not gone to see Larry’s cousin’s new baby and he was born in December. The thought of having to hold him is just too much for me to handle at the moment. I hope they understand and they don’t hold it against me for not visiting them. I also hope my co-worker understands if I do not go visit her right after she has her baby next month. It’s not that I am not happy for them because I am but it is such a harsh reminder that Sami is not with me. This month she would be turning four months, four month living without feeling her warmth. I wonder everyday what she would be like. Thinking of all the smiles I am missing out on and all of the usual milestones in her life, eating new foods, trying to sit up and oh that sweet baby babble. How I miss her so much!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Doing something good



THANK YOU MALORY--EVERY LIFE HAS A STORY...

The video is beautiful, I cannot thank you enough. For anyone who wants view it is on the lower part of my blog. Make sure to turn off my music player first.

I have been having some good days lately so I have decided to get a team going and walk in honor of Sami for the March of Dimes. I seen it on Holly’s blog and looked into it. Finding ways to do fundraising and getting people together to walk with me has kept my mind pretty busy. I needed this so I am glad I decided to do it. It will also get us ready for the walk on October 15th at the hospital where she was born at. They have a walk in October every year and it ends in the memorial garden they have. I just sent the form in to have her name added to the memorial wall. How I wish I did not know of all this stuff. Before October 15th had no special meaning to me and now boy does it ever. A special day to remember our angel’s who have left us far too soon. I am so sad that I am part of this hush, hush community of the baby loss. I never knew how much pain there was until it rocked my world this past year. I never had a reason to pry into this community. No one wants to be part of it of course, it just happens unfortunately. Now I want to do what ever I can to help others and bring some awareness that there are so many people who changed forever because of infant loss. We have different stories to tell but we are all walking the same painful path. I know I cannot change the world and save every baby or every parent from this pain but if I can help even one mom get through this then I can say I did my part. I am still fresh on this journey but with the help of so many baby loss moms out there I have gotten through some rough days. I know I am not alone. I am not taking any credit away from my family and friends either who have really been there as well. So in case I have not said it in a while THANK YOU to all who have supported me and my honey these past few months. I know that Sami is not here but I am going to do whatever I can to keep her spirit alive and the March of Dimes is one good way.

Valentine’s Day is this weekend and I am not so trilled about it. I wish I had Sami here to kiss and hold and share my unconditional love with her. V day for me is love and family, part of my family is missing so it is going to be a little somber this year. I wonder if that will ever be fun again since I know my heart is always going to be broken. I guess as time passes we shall see. I am sending everyone early Happy Valentine’s Day.

Can't forget that this week is CHD awareness week, fits perfectly since it's Valentine's day (hearts). I Just wanted to share some facts about this.

Sometimes during early pregnancy, a baby's heart fails to form properly, resulting in structural abnormalities known as Congenital Heart Defects. Although some defects are genetic, in many cases the cause is unknown.

CHD is the most frequently occurring birth defect, and is the leading cause of birth-defect related deaths.

Although some babies will be diagnosed at birth, newborns are not routinely screened for CHD. The consequences of a late diagnosis can have serious, lifelong implications, so it is important for the public to be aware of the signs and symptoms in newborns, and children. (Better screening could have probably saved baby Cora--please see her blog, just click on her blog button on the left of my blog).We need to spread the word so no mom ever has to go through what her mom did. Big ((hugs)) to her!

It is estimated that more adults than children are living with congenital heart disease, and this population is expected to grow by 5% each year. Yet, many adults with CHD are not receiving adequate ongoing care from trained specialists.***

Friday, February 05, 2010

Thinking and thinking



My mind is constantly going, thinking and thinking and I am just so tired. I keep thinking about how my life would be like if both little ones developed correctly. How would I have handled Julian plus two more? I think maybe God figured I would not be able to handle it. Then I get mad because I am not able to see for myself. That choice was made for me so that gets me angry. This whole journey has obviously not been my choice. It has been out of my control. This really has really tested my faith. I have to take a moment every now and then and remind myself that my faith is what has gotten me through my most difficult days.

I keep remembering the day she was born, I can say I was truly blessed. Seeing Sami and seeing her conjoined twin. Her twin was never fully formed but I still still acknowledge her life. She had a perfect little eye, a nose and even a little ear. We actually named her Faith (I say her because I have a feeling she would have been another little girl). Together they made it 38 weeks in my belly. I feel a little bit more at ease knowing that it was not Encephalocele. It also helps me understand more the other complications that she had going on. Sami is not alone in heaven and that gives me some comfort. Again, I can say I am blessed because they both came and left this world in such a peaceful way. I did not see Sami in any sort of pain or discomfort. It was hard to have her in my arms and not do anything to help her get better but at the same time, I did not want to see her full of tubes and being poked by needles. That is no life for a tiny baby. I knew I had to give her up. God needed his angel back and knew I had no choice in fighting that. I got to hold her and cherish every second of it. I am glad that the hospital staff was very nice and they followed my birth plan. I had her with me for a total of eleven hours before we called the mortuary to come pick her up. That moment I wish I could just block it out of my mind. I am traumatized by that moment. Seeing my husband place her tiny 4 pound body in the car seat and watch two strange men walk out with my daughter was the so hard. I have never cried so much in my life. My body was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to give her one last kiss and say one more I love to her. I can’t help but cry when I think of that moment. I tried to remember every single detail about her at that moment. I can still hear that dreadful knock on the door when they came, before I even seen the two men I started to cry, I knew it was time to let her go. How can anyone do that job, to walk into a room and take a new baby from their mother’s arms. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of that moment. Why can’t I just remember the good things? Lately I have been having dreams of Sami’s funeral service. The last one I had this week, I was sitting in the back of the room watching everyone but I held another baby in arms. After a while I got up and placed this other baby next to Sami with everyone watching me. I woke up in a sweat, perhaps it is my subconscious thinking of her little twin. I normally don’t talk about that to people besides my honey.

This week I am not as angry and I think it is because I am just letting myself feel the true sadness in my heart. I have been crying more and just letting the anger go. That has actually made me feel better these past few days. This week has been much better than last week because I am not as angry. I could handle the tears much better for some reason.

I also want to ask everyone to pray and support all the heart babies with CHD and their families. This week is Congenital Heart Defect awareness. Have a great weekend everyone.